One Month... No Sex.

Updated on January 13, 2011
B.C. asks from Arlington, TX
14 answers

My hubby and I have been together for 10 years. I'm crying as I write this b/c I'm so frustrated! We used to have a great sex life. I was always the more intense one, but I'm his first and only.
Since my youngest was born and I quit nursing her, I've been on either hormones or birth control. Needless to say, it's taken a toll on my body image and sex drive. I don't have one, so I don't ever initiate and when I think about having sex, I just don't feel sexy. I am 5' 3", 103 lbs, and I have no boobs since breastfeeding and no booty either, and I get bloated easily so I have a tummy. I feel gross. My boobs don't fit lingerie and if they do, then the tummy is too tight. *sigh*.
I just recently started working out but to no effect yet and he's just a bump on a log. I have begged him to start working out (lovingly) and he knows how sexy I think he is. We have dr. appts on friday and I asked him to have his testosterone levels checked. He just yelled at me that I don't do enough and that he doesn't feel like making a move b/c I just sit on the couch all night. We both do that.
He's a wonderful man, husband and father and I love him with all my heart. We are just having a hard time intimately right now. Any help???

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So What Happened?

Thanks ladies! I by no means think that I'm fat, but my body just isn't what I want it to be and that IS a huge thing for me since I used to be hot, lol.
I love him so much and we talked this morning and decided to go out tomorrow night just the two of us. I also told him that we have to stop blaming each other for things b/c that's counterproductive. He agreed, so hopefully we can pull ourselves out of this funk.
I appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement!

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M.A.

answers from Houston on

You dont feel sexy at 5' 3" and 103 lbs? Yes, you're an absolute Jabba the Hut!! (insert sarcasm)
Sex is not body size or type...my hub and I are not what you would call "sexy"...but, girl, we get it on!!! THAT is the key....LOVE....if you love somebody....it doesnt matter WHAT you look like.
get nekked!!! party!!!! have fun!!!!

7 moms found this helpful

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Okay.
I am confused.
No offense.
You don't feel like getting jiggy with it, but you want him to get HIS testosterone levels checked.
Pointing fingers will never work.
First of all, you are too worried about your body image.
Men don't worry about things like small boobs.
Trust me on this.
Men are turned on by women who don't worry about this pooch or this stretch mark. They want a woman who is confident and comfortable in her own skin.
Even if you aren't, pretend you are. Your husband might not be able to keep his hands off of you.
Your husband may have testosterone issues, but my guess is that you just need to revamp and re-fire things up.
Don't expect him to initiate everything.
Just because you have started working out, it doesn't mean if he doesn't, he doesn't care.
Look, sex is sex. Hair gets messed up, things jiggle.
Men really, really, when you get down to it, don't expect a perfect Barbie doll.
They want to be loved and desired.
They want a woman who doesn't worry if her eyelashes will get smudged or if her tummy isn't perfect.
You have been married 10 years.
You just need to find each other again and let all the superficial stuff go.
No offense, but not having sex for a month should not signal your husband getting tested that HIS drive is off.
Don't push him even backwards like there's something wrong with him. Men can take that pretty personally.
There's nothing wrong with either of you.
Tell yourself you are beautiful and hot and allow yourself to believe it.
Your husband will love it.
He won't be amorous if all you say is what's wrong with you. My boobs are small, I have a tummy....
He married you!
You have the potential to rock his world and I think you can do that by not nit-picking at yourself so much for everything.
Men love confident women.
They really do.
No pill they give your husband will change your body image.
Food for thought.
I wish you the very, very best.

21 moms found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

Hi Bethany,

What everybody else said.....

Plus one more thing...

If it's only been a month, four weeks, 30 days....?

Things just ain't that bad, sista, welcome to grown-uphood!!

:)

7 moms found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

I can't take birth control, this being a huge reason.

Go get a new lingerie you feel great in. Also, maybe you two can do a fun workout together, like on the kinect for the wii or dance revolution or some fun workout dvd, or go for a brisk walk pushing a stroller or something like that. It not only increases sex drive, but makes you closer like a little date night a few times a week, plus it helps your body get in shape. Strive for a date night once a week... even if it means cuddling and playing a fun board game or watching a movie or reading a novel together when the kids are in bed.

Anything is better than sitting on the couch. Ya'll just need to get motivated.
Also, when I start to complain about my after baby body, my husband says, "You had an 8 lb baby in there, what did you think would happen!?! Your body is amazing for what it has been through!" You remember that applies to you as well.

6 moms found this helpful

G.T.

answers from Modesto on

Honestly, he probably still thinks you are beautiful and would LOVE to have sex with you. You are the unhappy one and it's showing. The BEST way to begin getting your shape back would be to HAVE SEX since it's such great exercise. Lose you inhibitions and tell hubby you need to use him as an exercise machine. Put on a cute bra to accentuate your boobs, he'll focus there and not on your tummy, seriously.
The hormones and endorphines that get stimulated during sex will help to pull you out of the rut as well.
If you both sit and become couch potatoes sex gets harder and harder on both of you..... use it or lose it. Seriously.

5 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i love shane's wonderful answer!
it sounds like you're just as frustrated with yourself as you are with him. it's very difficult to have been a va-va-voom girl and have your libido take a nosedive. be careful that you're not apportioning anything that sounds like blame his way. this isn't a 'blame' situation. marriages go through draggy periods, and this is just one of them.
it's hard when your body image isn't positive. ironic considering so many of us look at petite women like you in wonder and envy! start by falling back in love with yourself. it's very hard to feel sexy when you're saying mean things to that pretty lady in the mirror. look at those breasts! they have nourished a child! thank you, hooters! give them a stroke. and a tweak! they have been so good to you! take some warm oil and rub it into that sweet round belly, that has grown a real live human being. that's such a lot of work. it deserves some appreciation and pampering. two legs. TWO! and they both work busily carrying you back and forth as you care for your family. how about a moment or two to admire them and maybe smooth a little shimmer lotion onto 'em? wow. what a bod! what a babe!
feeling terrific about yourself will completely and utterly change the dialogue between you and your husband. maybe it will take some time before he leaps upon you like a lion. that's okay too. take that time as he's re-revving his engine to purr, and stretch, and slink (yes, i mix metaphors dreadfully). when you're both sitting on the couch, kick back and put those stems in his lap. don't expect him to get aroused. just change the way you touch him. pause when you get up to refill your water glass and massage your hips for a moment in his line of sight. smile secretly to yourself before you sashay off. think about things you find sensuous while you're sitting with him. even if you don't share them, this will electrically charge the atmosphere around you.
i love that you love your husband so and recognize that. this is a situation that can absolutely be fixed. you two are going to be fine.
happy scrumping!
:) khairete
S.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I had a health teacher in high school years ago who said the most important sexual organ in the human body was not between your legs but between your ears (your brain). This is more about believing yourself to be attractive and lovable rather than about how you actually look.
Marriages/relationships have ups and downs and I think most couples go through a slump when they have small kids to chase after. If you want to work out - great - if it makes YOU feel better. In the mean time, write little love notes to each other, leave little presents (a chocolate Kiss if that's what he likes), just be sweet and court each other. It helps keep the romance alive through thick and thin over the years.

4 moms found this helpful
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T.F.

answers from Eugene on

Go on a date night. You could go to a cheap movie (we have $1.50 movie theater here), go to an arcade, miniature golf....get out of the house the two of you and just do something together. Something different and no planning much either - try to be spontaneous. Sounds like there is stress and both of you are in a rut and just plain tired. Change it up a little. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.M.

answers from Fort Collins on

At the risk of being a totally hyprocrite... because I don't have all the answers. - forget trying to work out, fit into lingerie etc and turn off the TV each night, each pour a drink and try and talk without out distrations. If you feel you can talk without distractions and WANT to talk to each other (!!!) then that's half the battle. Talk, look, focus then see where that leads. For me great sex is after great connection and conversation - 0% matters what the person looks like - marks, bumps or bulges. Great kissing is essential but it sounds like you had a great sex life before so you CAN get it back. I'd only be worired if you have never been sexually compatible. Good luck. It's important so don't settle for less

4 moms found this helpful
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S.T.

answers from Kansas City on

girl I'm just like you 5 4 and 100 lbs I have had two kids and trust me my body is not what it was but I love it I look at myself in the mirror and thank god you letting me bare two beautiful kids those stretch marks, no boobs and a little rounder butt are all from baring them and I love them and so does my hubby! So you need to get right with yourself first try it look in the mirror and say good things about yourself maybe go get a pedi or mani or new haircut for you! Then try talking to your hubby about what is going on don't ignore it by just sitting on the couch sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it as I say trust me I lost my libido but I am finding it again!

4 moms found this helpful
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D.B.

answers from Chicago on

If you guys are sitting around on the couch all night, you need to change it up. Are you having date nights? Don't let a baby stop you from going out. It is very important for a marraige that a husband and wife spend time alone with each other and I don't mean sitting at home. You are 103lbs & 5' 3" you are underweight for your height, no wonder you don't have a butt. lol It sounds from what you are writing that you might need a little fire lit under you, can't say for your husband. Men don't like to always have to be the ones to start things up. Get out of the house and spend some time together...dinner, movie, heck you live in Texas, unlike Chicago you could probably do something fun outside this time of year. Have your dr check you....maybe it's meds that you are taking (even birthcontrol) that is making you feel the way you do.

3 moms found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Shane B is soooo right.
Get your confidence back! That's HUGE.

Also, when you look at your body, respect it for what it's done and what is has accomplished. And be thankful.

You might as well make friends with the body you have b/c no O. is perfect and no O. ever will be!

3 moms found this helpful
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K.F.

answers from New York on

Here's my 2 cents.
Sexy starts in your head. Being 5'3" and 103 lbs isn't the end of the world or unsexy. Having babies does change your body. You may need to find a different kind of lingerie that flatters your new body type. My husband didn't marry me for my big boobs (didn't have much to mention before we got married but with an extra 25 lbs on my 5'5" frame - I'm both curvy and sexy too). I'm certain your husband finds other things about you sexy too. Let's be honest most of the true action is from the waist down anyway.

Get your thinking straight and you will be alright. Stop thinking of yourself and unsexy, fat or any other negative thing and become your very own inner sex kitten. That thinking will change your drive and your sex life too. Also know that your husband's ego will go through the roof if you did a little more stroking his ego by ravaging him for a change. Good luck on getting back in the groove.

2 moms found this helpful

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Wow girl you sound like you have a great bod to me!! You know when I was on bc, both the kind that was progesterone only for nursing and then the combo type, my sex drive was just gone. Maybe that is the issue. I would think on that and maybe consider a different method of bc, maybe talk it over with your ob. I felt so much better and like me again when I got off!! I wish you the best and as others have said, I truly believe you guys will get through this! Hang in there!!

2 moms found this helpful
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