Only Child

Try rewarding him for GOOD behavior and remind him that the attention he gets for good bahavior is much better than what he gets for negative behavior. Let him earn points and rewards for doing good things he does! Works great for my son!

A.,
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. We just finished up a parenting class called Love & Logic. They talked some about this "he give us that little smile" You might want to change up your parenting techniques a bit. It sounds like your son may be the one in control and he is focused on the attention he receives when your mad at him and not the consequences of bad behavior. Instead of getting mad you could say something like "Oh oh, someone has done something horrible and will have to go to their room now." Then at a later time (regardless of what anyone says I think children have a pretty good memory, my son remembers for days when I've said I was going to do something for him) when he wants to go play with his friend you can remind him, gently, of his bad behavior and that he won't be able to play with his friend and his friends toys because of his behavior. Not because your mad at him. He'll get it! I feel that I have been given such a valuable tool with Love & Logic. It takes the "bad parent" off my shoulders, I can love my child all I want however my son has to deal with the consequences of his behavior, not me. I don't do the "don't do that again" anymore. When my son breaks someone elses toy then the consequence is he has to replace that broken toy either by giving up his own toy or (some might cringe at this) selling his prize toy to me (and yes the toy disappears forever) to buy/replace the broken toy. I would rather he learn these hard lessons now when he's so young then to learn the lessons when he's older and the consequences cost so much more. I don't get upset anymore when he makes mistakes. I know he's going to learn very valuable lessons from them.

A.
You are not bad parents. I had the same problem with my son who is now 10 yrs old. No matter what we did for punishment it didn't seem to bother him and I hate that smile (smirk) that he give when he knew that he was pushing my buttons. The best thing you can do it find that one thing that they do not want to lose. When you find it it will work wonders. My son was soda. I also have learned that no matter how bad he acts I do not show any anger. I always keep my tone the same when he sees that he can not push my buttons he stops and starts to listen. It takes time to find out what works but you will and it will get better as he gets older.

He is just testing the boundaries. He's trying to see how far and how long he can push it. Be firm with the discipline. Make it last for more than a couple minutes. Remember, YOU are the parents and YOU are in control, not him. Take control now before he gets any older.

My daughter is 5, and an only child... and OH MY can I relate to what you're going through!! She is not only the first granddaughter but she is the first grandchild... on BOTH sides! She is very used to getting all of the attention and never having to share! When she began interacting with other children she was SO MEAN to them! She assumed EVERYTHING belonged to her and would trying taking toys away from the children, breaking, throwing ect... and I am very fimiliar with that smirk you're referring to! I tried spanking, time out rewards and all that but what actually worked for me was showing her what it felt like. I would randomly walk into her room and take a toy she was playing with tell her it was mine and play with it ALONE in my room. When she would get mad I would explain to her how she would do the same thing and how she felt when I bullied her and took her toys was how she made other children feel and she agreed the feeling was not nice. It took a few times, but it has proved pretty effective! and don't worry you are NOT bad parents!!!

I am an only child and went through what my parents called my "stingy stage" at about the same age your son is. It was simply because I was used to getting all the attention. I went through a phase where I didn't want to share it. Mom said I was out of it completely by first grade. My parents believed in spankings, only not often at all...I think I only got about 2 spankings as a child that I remember. Because they limited it, I knew that I was truly in trouble when it came down to that and I had better straighten up! After that, they only had to say my name sternly and I knew they meant business. They also sent me to another room when I needed to "think about it." They NEVER sent me to my own room...too much fun stuff in there. I was sent either to their room or a guest bedroom where it was nice and boring for me and there was nothing to do but sit. My dad told me I tried that little daddy's girl smile out on him a couple of times, but he and mom were good at pretending they didn't see it and went ahead with the punishment. Dad had to deal with it more than mom because she tended to be more of a softy. I don't ever remember my dad giving in...! I know they did something right because now I meet new people and they always tell me I don't even remotely act like an only child. I give all that credit to my parents...I KNOW it can't have been easy! So I guess what my parents did was just never back down, even when they wanted to give in. The rules were the rules and that was it. They disciplined, but also showed tons of love at all times to me and eachother so I knew how I should treat others. Don't think for one second you are a bad parent! We have a 22 month old and my husband and I feel so sorry for him because, being the first child, he is our guinea pig! We are learning as he learns. So are you. You've never had a child this age before, so it is really hard. Hope this helps a little! I know everything will be fine.

Every child tests their boundaries - from 1 to 18 (sometimes later) so you're not alone in your battle! No matter what form of discipline you choose with your child, it needs to be immediate and consistant. They all go through phases of testing new boundaries, so it's a cycle you'll likely repeat many times over. Since he's an only child, I would recommend more activies that involve other children. Once he realizes that misbehaving will compromise his new friendships, I bet he'll have a change of heart. Just remember follow through every time. Kids will find a weak spot in the discipline and take advantage of it. Good Luck!

Have you moved recently? has something changed lately?...spending time with him? if none of these then it seems he is testing you. My eldest boy is 4 almost five and at times does exactually what you are talking about.

I noticed that the more I reacted to what he did the worse it got. In the end ( and we are sometimes still dealing with this). When Morgan does something that he knows is wrong we give him a warnin g,"Morgan please do not do that......",.....if the behavior keeps on I then count slowly to five....letting him know that if I get to five he will be punished. ( note at first tried swatting his butt once or twice but this just made him mad and he started hitting his brother) if the behavior stillll carries on then Morgan goes to the carpet. The carpet is a small mat that is away from tv,he is not allowed to talk. Morgan sits there for five minutes ( one minute for each year). This seems to be the only effect way to deal with that kind of behavior for us....not sure it will work for you but hope it is helpful.
V

I agree completly and this type of behavior is not restricted to an only child. My 5yo has very similar problems. As a infant and toddler, he tended to play alone at the daycare or if he was with friends, he was (and still is) very protective of what he is playing with. It has taken his old daycare and us quite a while to learn about sharing and not destroying other peoples things. We used strict enforcement of the rules. Basically, if you do not play nicely, you get a time out. If you hurt someone or break their toy, you must apologize to them and take a time out. The second time the behavior occurs, you are separated from the play area (i.e. go home, get moved to an area where you can't see/play with the children.) If you decide to let them go back and play after the second time and it occurs a third time, then it is time to go home AND they are "grounded" for 1-3 days. Anything more than that for his age range, he will not understand why he is being punished. And of course, in the case of breaking toys, you can take away his absolute favorite toy for at least 1 day. We have found with both our kids that this is one of the most effective ways to stop the behavior. Hope this helps.
Debi :-)

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=child-training

I have followed their teachings with my step children (well before my own were born). Do some reading, and if it agrees with you, follow it - I've never seen consistent discipline and love NOT work.

S.

Having a six-year-old who tests their boundaries doesn't mean that you are bad parents - it means you have a six-year-old!

As soon as he acts out, he must face consequences. I suggest an immediate Time Out, followed by talking to him about what he did and getting him to apologize to the offended party. If he won't apologize, it's back to Time Out.

The usual Time Out recommendation is one minute for each year of age. For your son,this would mean 6 minutes. Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. Then he won't give that little smile.

He will probably fight you pretty hard at first. He won't like not being able to get away with his usual little rebellions. For a brief time, he may act out more and not respond well to punishment. Be prepared and stay calm and consistent. Eventually,the rebellions won't be worth it, and he'll know that that's just how things are. Then the behaviour should straighten out. Keep in mind, though, that all kids act up now and then. It's just part of growing up. Your son's behaviour won't become perfect over night.

Good Luck!

Hes got you he knows how to get you attention, good bad it doesn't matter hes got your attention. The best thing you can do is let him know whats going to happen before hand if he does what hes not suppost to do or doesn't do what hes suppost to do. You have to stick to whatever you said was going to happen, and be consistant. If you say hes going to not get XYZ then he needs to not get XYZ. Don't show emotion because then he knows hes got you he made you upset and know he has you attention. Your not bad parents children just test the bounds all the time so they know what the can and cannot do, so the better the bounds are defined the better they accually feel. So they know whats going to happen if I dont or I do ABC then XYZ is going to happen. If he needs more time playing with other kids try and get him invoved with something like swimming, karote, gymnastics, camp, etc. Hope this helps.