Our 5 Year Old Not Being Truthful

You didn't mention the punishment he received. I have noticed my daughter is much more defiant then I was at that age she is also 5. I think it is because when I was a child and did something like that I knew I was going to get it. Unfortunately I don't kow what to do with my child because it seems like everything you do can be considered abusive. My mom used to take out the wooden spoon and whack me with it on the rear. I would be good for weeks after that. If anyone has any good ideas I would appreciate it. TIME OUT JUST ISNT WORKING!!!

Your 5yo lacks the mental development (and physical brain development) to formulate the intent to deceive the way you think of it.

5yos don't have voice command software installed, so what they've been told is very often the last thing they're likely to remember in any given situation. It's why 5yos don't get to live on their own yet. They need supervision, not 'rules to remember.' The flea spray should be out of reach, preferrably locked into a cupboard with everything else that should be out of reach (medicine, nail polish, cleaners, poisons), with the key unavailable to him.

5yos, faced with angry (dangerous) parents will say anything they think the parents want to hear, or whatever they hope will make their parents love them again. This make the 'truth' a rather slippery item --because they do not undertand cause and effect yet, or even that the ball will fall to the ground every time (yes, even if it doesn't feel like it this time, even if you wish very hard, even if Santa comes).

This is just an unsupervised 5yo doing the kinds of things a 5yo would think of doing, supervised or not. That he is telling the story afterward in the way he wants reality to have been is normal, and is no indication of moral slippage or inherent evil. The less said the better.

Put the flea spray away.

There may be something deeper going on, but consider the fact that he is a child (therefore naturally curious), and you have left a forbidden object where he can examine/explore it. If you do not want him to touch it, put it somewhere out of reach and out of sight (On top of fridge, or in a locked cupboard or high cupboard space).

Sounds like he's too scared of your response to be truthful. I have emphasized truthfulness over all for my 5 and 7 years old and now they will tell me all the "bad stuff" they do without fear. They will still get disciplined, but it is not directly attached to the time that they are truthful in a difficult situation.

For example: I suspect they pour poison into tea after sniffing it or whatever. I approach them needing help, "Johnny, I need to talk to you about something really important. I noticed that the tea smells like that flea poison we talked about before, do you know anything about it?" Johnny looks guilty and worried and denies any involvement. I will make a point of putting the tea out of reach (and poison) because it is so dangerous (and share this info as I do it) then go to the couch, put him on my lap and hug him. I'll say, "I am so worried because if someone in our family drinks poison they will get very sick and have to go to the hospital, they could even die. I don't want anything so bad to happen to you, me, daddy or Sally. It scares me to even think about it. I know sometimes you like to help make things in the kitchen and that's ok. Sometimes you might like to make things even when I'm not there to help. We can talk about doing some more kitchen projects together where you can stir and measure, that would be really fun. Right now though I am so worried about our family because I can't figure out how that poison got into our drink. You know, if you stirred it into the tea, I still love you very much and I will be so glad that you helped me figure out what is being dangerous to our bodies. It is waaay more important to me right now that I figure this out with your help than anything else. It's ok if you were scared and didn't tell the truth a little while ago, but I need you to tell the truth right now. Our whole family needs you to help keep us safe. Right now I am not even thinking about you being in trouble at all because I'm so worried."
I would not even bring up ANY sort of punishment for the deed until quite a bit after he fesses up. Hopefully enlisting his help, reassuring with hugs and loving talk will make him talk. Then after hours have passed and maybe you are allowing him to help in the kitchen or doing another " helpful" activity, you can talk about the seriousness of how lies can actually physically harm the family and how it makes it hard to let him around the kitchen without adult supervision.
His discipline should be something that emphasizes that it is difficult to trust him after the poison episode. Something he got to do independently before now "babysit" him doing it and say it is because you aren't sure anymore about trusting him to do it safely and how he has to earn your trust again.
My 5 year old son is quite the mischief maker and this tact of allowing them a second chance to fess up works for him. Most times, when he sees the genuine hurt and mistrust in my face (instead of anger and punishment) he melts into a puddle and asks for forgiveness. Then as my little helper he is keenly aware that he is earning my trust. Even days and weeks later we will discuss certain activities and I will say, "I'm not sure I can really trust you/ believe you yet." He then doubles his efforts to impress me.

Hi C.,

My daughter did this and so did all 4 of my nephews. It's just a phase they go through and is normal. I wouldn't worry about it at all. The tales my daughter told would crack us up. She only did this for a little while and then it was on to something else. Take care and be patient in time this to shall pass.

M.

What we have done with our four children is this...If we ask and they tell the truth they are not in as much trouble. If they lie they are in trouble for two things--what they did wrong and the lie.

How to explain this?...
The five year old mind is just beginning to grasp the consequences of getting in trouble. So, if they think they're in trouble, it's an automatic response to try to get out of trouble by any means possible.
(My son also lies like this. I'll be WATCHING him commit and act, and if I ask him about it, he denies ever doing it.)
Therefore, the punishment for lying is FAR worse than the punishment for telling me the truth about doing something bad.

As for the poison thing, try showing him the Mr. Yuck PSAs. (You can find them on YouTube. This broke my five-year old of his habit of being curious about poison pretty quickly. You can even request Mr. Yuck stickers to put on things from the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital.

the post by Linda C is right on the money - kids are not capable of lying in a manipulative way at this age - alot of times, kids "lie" or make the story go the way they wish it would because they believe that if they wish it that way and discuss it that way that it will be that way - alot of times because they wish they hadn't done something. I would always try to remain calm (easier said than done, I've been there myself and have not always been able to adhere to my own advice/knowledge), and talk about it with your son without being too harsh at that moment of discussion, as you do want him to feel as though he can come to you about anything... I do believe that they outgrow this stage....

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