Our Daughter Telling Lies

First of all, don't tell her her Christmas presents are going to go back enless you are willing to do it or she will relize real quick that you are really not going to do anything about it. Are her presents already wrapped under the tree? If so my suggestion would be some night when she is in bed to take them and put them up somewhere that she can not find them and when she notices, just tell her that is what you said would happen. I would however tell her that when she wants to tell the truth and keep doing so that she will get one (or more depending on how many there are) back each time or something like that.

Hope this helps, I have a little liar at home as well.

Well, it may be hard, but consequences would probably do it. Since you said she would not get presents if she was lying (and this is an ongoing problem), you should follow through on that. Otherwise you are teaching her that it is okay to lie.

I would sit down and have a very frank talk with her about lying and what happens if she continues. When you confront her with the fact you know the truth tell her you know what happened and she has a choice tell the truth or be punished for lying. She only gets one chance. Don't ask her over and over because to say a lie over and over again it becomes reality in her mind and you be come a witch hunter out to persecute her.

Write out the consequences and post it somewhere. Start with losing her favorite stuff one lie at a time until her room is stripped of everything then she loses her freedom from her room. Include in the list of things to lose all activities including chruch and sports and all of her favorite clothing. Going to school one day in the nice dress Grandma bought for her that looks like it came from the general store in Mayberry will really change her mind.

She can earn one thing back a day if she goes through the day without lying.

It works. I used it with my teen age summer guests, my 5 year old and his school troubles and even my 2 year old.

I had a problem with this as well. I took things away, I grounded her. everything I could think of. I found two thing that work. Having her hold white vinegar in her mouth and soap in the mouth. Thats nbot say to say she is over it completely, but when threathed with either one she usally come clean.
Hope this helps.
P.

We have a little liar at home too (10 year old boy) and we are at wits' end. I'm glad you brought this up, because I needed the same advice. Let me know what worked! I'm still trying to figure it out myself...

S.

Ask her if she knows the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie. Make her give examples of truths and lies. Then ask her if she understands what it means to trust someone. If she says yes, ask her to tell you what it means so you know if she really gets it. If she does not know or didn't explain correctly you can then tell her what trust is and how important trust is and how your relationship is built on trust. Ask her if it would make her sad for people to not want to talk to her because they think that everything that comes out of her mouth is not true. Help her see that there will be natural consequences later for that...you guys won't believe her, her peers won't believe her, she becomes known as a liar or someone who cannot be taken seriously, etc. You can even read her the story of the boy who cried wolf and ask her how each of the characters felt and what happened in her own words so she hears herself thinking it through and seeing consequenses. There are also other immediate actions that can be taken. I am not sure what method of punishment works best for your child, but whatever is most effective with her you need to tell her that she will get that punishment for pushing her brother because you know she indeed did do it, and get that punishment times 2 for lying about it. Then give her a chance again to tell you that she did it, and then take action. We do not tolerate lying and my children understood very fast that they lose more by lying mainly because we are very consistant. We always say what we mean and mean what we say. We also always tell them we love them even when we punish them and that we are trying to guide them to be good people when they grow up. This way punishment doesn't just end up being some aweful awkward think that happens where there is anger and then later things have just magically settled out. We resolved to completeness and in some cases if there is still some frustration we will have our nice words, but take some time to think about it and then talk again later.

That being said you also have to be careful of what you say you will do. You must also tell the truth too. Maybe her lesson should be that her Christmas presents will go back...that would be a solid, harsh lesson for her to learn, but maybe would actually help it sink in especially since you already promised that to her. You obviously thought something that far out would get her to confess and it backfired as far as getting the response you expected. I hope this doesn't come off rude, but something that big usually backfires and then the child wins anyway because it is such a far out thing that most parents wouldn't actually stick with it...not to say this will happen for you. I don't know how you will end up handling this situation. Something I often hear other moms do at my son's preschool is even bribing their kid which I also think is not effective. Even if you get what you want in the moment, it just means they are in control still because you must always meet their special condition or pamper in a certain way in order to received the good behaviour that they should give as respectful children in the first place. Just be careful with what you say you will do unless you are prepared to stand firm behind it, and try to think about if your words will give her the control or it will stay with you. It is the only way she will further learn not to lie. If you tell her you are going to do something and you do not, then she will witness you doing to her exactly what she did to you...telling a lie. Then all respect is lost and she will not feel bad about continuing that behaviour on an even larger much worse scale in her teen years. I know it is frustrating. Be patient and calm to keep the upper hand and I am sure you can find a way to guide her back. Good luck and you guys will be in my prayers!

B. :)

This might sound mean, but if you do follow thru w/ taking a present back, I'd bring her with and have her watch you return it. She might get the hint and she'd definitely see that you weren't just saying it.

Whatever you do, FOLLOW THRU. I agree and think that if you decide not to take a present back, tell her you were angry and have decided not to do it. Don't let her think that you're just backing down, though.

Best of luck!
~K.

You send her Christmas presents back. Lying has consequences and you are giving her the consequences, now you just have to hold true to them. Who knows why she is lying, but I feel the best way to curb the habit is to be consistent and follow through on the consequences you set. Tell her flat out you saw her action, now she is telling you a lie and here is what will happen because of her lie.

If you think withholding her Christmas presents is too much, then come out to her truthfully and tell her you were a bit harsh with your judgement because you were angry. Your honesty will set an example. Maybe you decide that for every lie you catch her in between now and Christmas you take one gift away. After Christmas, maybe you add a chore every time she lies. If she goes a week without you catching her lying you can take off a chore.

I hope you find a solution that works for you, B.!
J.

I recently was having problems with my 8 year old boy who was lying about little things and big things. We had to ground him, and usually I am too easy on him on groundings, but I actually stuck with my decision, and stood ground. It is hard to do, since we don't want our children to be in trouble, or have to take back presents, like you are doing.It may be even more difficult on us, but sticking to what you say is so important, and I have realized that it does work!!! I hope that it works for you. Just be strong.

Our son has since been ungrounded, and hasn't done any lying, that we know of. I hope that you are having success!!

Hmmm....your story reminded me of when I was 9. I recall having some of the same issues....typical "bratty" behavior! "Fibbing" to avoid confrontation for even the smallest things.... My best-friend's daughter is 9 now and doing the same thing! (is it the 9 yr. old thing to do?!) The adults know the real truth,yet the child will stand there and lie to your face! While I do not think lying is okay, at all, is this a "stage" ? (Hello, PHD's in Child Psych...chime in here!) IMHO, a child will "lie" if she feels she is always being reprimanded for everything. Children want approval of their parents/family. She may feel "What's the use? I get in trouble for everything!" Have you thought of the fact she may be needing POSITIVE ATTENTION? I think that sometimes we all get into bad patterns...and have to change them. The challenge comes when you have to figure out what "the pay off" is for your daughter. What is she gaining from lying? Is she trying to "be perfect"? To be loved in spite of her faults? Is she afraid of severe punishment? Maybe she's wanting to push the envelope...to test the limits. Maybe she needs some one-on-one time with you instead.
I, too had to forfeit some Christmas gifts that year, but instead of them being taken away from me, the lesson I learned was that I was so fortunate to have so many gifts, that I chose toys to be given to our Children's Hospital instead. It was done to correct some type of bad behavior of mine. At 43, I still remember the lesson, and am not bitter! Rather, I don't miss what I gave away. I RECIEVED THE BIGGER LESSON, a lesson in giving to others. AND knowing that I was loved enough by my family, that they cared about my character...to help me change "bad" behavior. Good Luck.