My husband and I have his 4 1/2 year old daughter two days a week. He works a lot so I deal with her by myself most of the time. Lately she has fought me on everything from bathtime to bedtime...She knows the rules and they are by no means harsh but lately she has been a beast. Luckily, her mom and I get along really well so she tries to support me in decisions at my home but she is not actually there. I need my husband to understand that it isn't a vacation when she comes to our house but he doesn't want her to hate coming to our house! (which isn't the case). We need to instill some rules before she gets away with everything and my daughter who is 7 months old learns from that! PLEASE HELP WITH ADVICE!!
Hello, I have joint custody with my ex for my children. They constantly test the rules. But what you have to do is stay consistant with them, regardless of how she feels. And, she can't go running to mom when she get's mad at you or your rules. My kids learned that, and did try to test me. but I just stood firm. stay firm and consistant and good luck.
CJ
Hello L.,
I am a new mom of a 6 week old and learned very quickly with my boyfriend who also works so much that they dont know you need help unless you ask. I know it sounds silly but I think men think we are super women sometimes (which we are :) that they dont see what we need as long as we have a roof over our heads.
I suggest you sit him down and tell him and ask for help.It worked for me and being a new mom and dad communications key!
Good luck and get on on page together.
Sincerly
H.
Stick to your guns. When my step daughter's first came to live with us back in 1999, they tried to rule the roost so to speak. I stuck with our rules. It wasn't over night but they have far more respect for me now because I made them follow the rules. Blended families are difficult. You just have to be consistant when she is with you. One of the girls went to live with her mother back in 2002. she made it a whole month before begging me to come get her. I asked her why she wanted to come home. She told me she missed the rules. Good luck. Patti
Be more patient. Spend time with her. Remember, it is heartwrenching to be a small child and know that "some other little girl gets to live with Daddy". Make her feel a part of your home. Be sure she has her own bed, her own space, her own posters on the wall, etc. Her own little dresser there. She is his child as much as the new baby and it is very hard on chldren to understand their own anxieties. Remember, she is NOT A VISITOR....she is your husband's child as much as little Ava and she is also the half sister of Ava. Give her "big sister" jobs to help you with. Praise her. Color WITH her. Make pictures for Daddy for the fridge. Take both girls to the park. Show her how to use an instamatic camera so she can take pictures of whatever she likes and then make it an event by taking it to the one hour photo shop and then make an album that is her special photo album. In other words, love her like your own.
DO NOT and I stress...DO NOT complain to your husband about how difficult she is. You will invariably create hostility later down the road in your marriage. (or sooner) Try to get rid of the "I deal with her" kind of thoughts. It will only make more negativity and create more problems for yourself...and you do not need your husband "to understand it isn't a vacation" when she comes? Why do you want him to feel frustrated and agitated? What are you hoping to accomplish? Do you want him to quit his job so he can be there for his daughter? I don't think so. What do you want him to do? Do you want him to cancel his daughters visits at his home? How terrible would that be for her, and him?
The best resolution for you is to treat her the same you do your own daughter regarding rules and benefits. Your husband will love you more when he see's that you care and love his little girl as much as you do your own.
you and your husben need to sit down and have a good long talk tell him that in the end she will still love comeing there and seeing her sister and her daddy put you need to be the parent frist and the friend latter i know what it is like my son gets away with his gandfather that when he comes home i have to start over new just becuse she is there only a few days dose not mean she is the queen
One thing I learned in the "child impact seminars" they generally make parents go through when there is a divorce, is to remember that it's not just your home, it's your child's home too. They told my ex not to refer to his home as "his home" and for his gf not to refer to it as "her home" they had to remember it is "THEIR home" including our daughter. I think maybe your stepdaughter feels left out. I suggest you sit down with her dad and her and let her know how you both feel about her (ie, you love her, love having her there, love having her be ava's big sister etc). I agree with a previous post, make sure she has her own space and things there and try to get her to do big sister jobs so she'll feel included in the new "family".
L.,
Its really tough to be a stepmom of a child - no matter what the child's age. I pretty much went through a similar situation w/the older daughter of my son's father. A big problem I found w/this child was that she was greatly spoiled by her maternal grandmother. Of course it didn't help that she would go to her mother, after visits w/us, and tell her mother that 'Daddy don't love' her. I called her mother, the mother's boyfriend, and the maternal grandfather. I had them come over to my house while Joe was at work. I started the discussion by expressing my difficulties w/the child. We all had to have the same house rules to get the child to straighten out. All together, it took about a year to her to stop being the 'spoiled brat'. The year that occurred, I bought her a whole lot of Barbie's & Barbie accessories for Christmas.
