Out of Ideas - 3 1/2 Year Old REFUSES to Potty Train

You're fighting a losing battle - he's not ready... back off COMPLETELY for at least a couple months, then reintroduce for a day, if no interest, back off again... let the preschool hold him back, find a new preschool, but you are gonna set up months(years?) of stress and anxiety if you continue this...

We had the same problem. There are no words in our vocabulary to explain how it feels when you need to go to the potty. And so there is no way to verbalize the directions. It takes the child noticing the sensation each time.

Our daughter was a child that was always so fast to do everything, but the potty, was not anything she was interested in. Walked unassisted by 6 moths, spoke in full sentences by her first birthday. Her comprehension was off of the scale..

Now imagine, I tried everything. we even had little twin neighbors that were potty trained by the time they were 1 year old!.

But no matter what we tried.. no luck.

She finally figured it out on her own.

I have learned that this child cannot be bribed, prodded or forced to do anything. She is still like this and is now 22..

At day care in the 3 year old room the little potties were all lined up and she finally at almost 4, noticed the kids sitting there looking at books sitting on the potties. So she gave it a try. Sitting there until "the potty came" an some how it clicked for her.

So my suggestion is to give it a rest for a few weeks and then see if he if he is interested. Ask the teachers in day care what they suggest, they spend a lot of time with your child. I bet they can offer some suggestions.

When we fought this battle, the only thing that worked was an activity that the kids really wanted to do that they couldn't til they were potty trained. In our case, it was a week at the grandparents house.

But the first step is definitely to back off for a while. Both of you are too frustrated to make any headway.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain!! My oldest was 3.5 when we finally potty trained him. It was probably my biggest parenting struggle to date, it was that stressful. It was all my fault, too. I pushed him too early, and as a result he got frustrated, I got frustrated, it was not pretty. You really have to accept that they need to be ready for it to work. I swear, we tried EVERYTHING to get him "trained"- bribes, rewards, punishments, every possible combination of nude, undies, pull-ups, anything. At some point, he just decided he was ready and that was it.
With my second, I decided that we weren't going to potty train. When he wanted to go on the potty, we brought him and made a big deal about how great he did. Other than that, no training, no bribing, no punishing. He was mostly potty trained by 2.5, and completely out of diapers now, even overnight, and he is not yet 3.
Hang in there, and keep telling yourself "He will not go to college in diapers. He will not go to college in diapers!"

I'd also want to clarify the "held back" idea. Talk to the school or look for a preschool that is more supportive. My second DD struggled to potty train because she had some bowel issues. When one school seemed judgmental we moved her to one that was more understanding and that said kids have different schedules. Once the stress was off and we addressed her underlying medical issue she potty trained on her own pretty quickly. Make sure he does not have any unknown issues medically then back off. He'll have fewer long term issues if he does this in his own time.

I may have misunderstood, but it sounds like he has already been "held-back" so that actually gives you a little time. My son was the same way. He wore cloth diapers but never cared if he was soiled. He would make a big battle out of it if I had "planned/timed" trips to the potty. Finally, I had to back off when he was 3.5 and then restarted about a month later. When we restarted, we only worked on peeing. At first, he would get a little tiny candy if he went and sat on the potty when asked and an extra one if he actually peed. We never begged if he refused to get up and go potty. We would just remind him about the treat. Soon he started going to the potty on his own, even if just to get a candy. Then we switched it so he only got a candy if he actually peed. Soon, going pee in the potty seemed so natural to him that he started forgetting to ask for a candy every time. Then we started in on the pooping. That was much tougher because he didn't have a regular time of day that he pooped, but the system still worked. He was finally potty trained just before he turned 4.

Let him pee outside. Start in the backyard where noone can see. Instruct him to tell you when he needs to go and then tell him to pee in a designated area. Pick different areas each time (by the big tree, by the small tree, on the right side bush, by the tree in the middle etc etc) so it will be fun for him. As soon as he can hold his pee until he starts telling you he has to go and you let him, that's when you start making him go in the potty and you can start using going outside as leverage. If he wants to pee outside, tell him he has to pee inside 1st and then next time he can go outside. A few days later tell him he has to pee in the potty 2x and then he can go outside. And so on.

Good luck. I know its hard.

for a month or so back off completely. then when you try again

Do not ask him if he is ready just say "It's time to go potty" and you sit on the tub next to him while he sits on the potty. and you sit and sit and sit til he goes. make a chart with stickers if he likes them. give him privilegs for going. oh good you went potty heres a sticker when you get 10 you get to play the video game / watch a movie / go to the park whatever is his currency. but you have to be committed to following through. one of the tricks a friend did was take away a bunch of stuff and say thats big boy stuff you have to go on the potty if your a big boy. and wouldn't let him play the computer / video game or kindle etc. noting electronic and that worked because it was his currency. my boys it was getting a new teenage mutant ninja turtle after a bunch of sticker days. oh and don't forget the target practice by putting a couple cheerio's in teh center of the toilet

Try bribery. It's very effective, if you can come up with something he really wants. For that age you need a reward that's very short-term.

What does he want more than anything? Offer up that as a reward for training and staying trained.

My boys both finally potty trained within a month before turning 4 years old. Once they set their minds, they didn't even have a single accident. With my boys, they wanted to go to 4 year old preschool and knowing they could not go in diapers was motivation enough. They hadn't been to daycare or 3 year preschool, so it was a shiny new novelty.

Bribe him. Seriously. It's not forever....just during training. And it works like a charm.

We used Smuckers jelly beans. 1 for a pee, 2 for a poop.

Find his favorite treat (it needs to be small but very tempting) and bribe the stubborn little monster.

I have to comment on the "held back" statement....a pre-school program associated with an elementary school held him back?

I don't understand this at all. Maybe he's in child care? A day care center? That makes more sense but I had to move kids according to when they had their birthday. I could not have a 3 year old in a 2 year old classroom. I had to have only 2 year olds or 3 year olds in the classroom. It was regulated by my licensing worker.

So I'm confused by this. I hope you'll clarify it a bit.

Some kids just don't care. Other kids have developmental delays and that should be taken into consideration. If he has this issue then get him diagnosed with something by a doc/psychologist that has the credentials to do this type of evaluation. Then they have to move this child up with his age group and make accommodations for them.

My son was the same way. We are currently potty training him though, and he's FINALLY doing great. I took some advice from another mom here, and it worked!!! It was H*LL the first two days (lol)
I picked a few days where I didn't have to go anywhere. Put him in underwear and told him diapers were going in the garbage. Then you constantly to say to them "Tell me if you have to go pee, or poop" And the first day, they won't. But you keep saying it. If you catch them in the act, put them on the potty.
If they DO pee or poop, give them a treat. M&M's or something small. And make a huge deal about it.
At the end of the second day, even the third. I thought it wasn't going to work. Then all of a sudden, it just clicked and he's doing awesome! And like your son he had absolutely no interest prior to this. And he's one of those stubborn kids who can't be bribed, at all!

I remember this battle, with my son. Just know that eventually he will get there :) I tried everything I could think of too. I tried rewarding with stickers, candy, etc. My son did not care about those things. I tried a potty chart to earn a toy. He did not care. I tried making a big deal when "he went on the potty" and he actually hated that. I tried training underwear, regular underwear, underwear with rubber pants on top (to contain the mess). It was a nightmare. I refused to use pull ups, I felt they were too much like a diaper for him to learn from. The thing that actually worked for my son was being naked. I told him that we were going to learn to go on the potty. I let him play and go through his normal day but I stayed by his side every minute. Every 10 minutes I would ask if he had to potty (meanwhile giving him lots to drink), to which the answer was usually no, and every 15 minutes I would take him to "try". He did pee on the floor several times, but he did not like when he did that. It did take several days for him to finally catch on but once he did, he never looked back. To this day (5yrs later) he has had maybe 3 accidents. So my suggestion is take a few days and plan to spend it with your son and I mean by his side. Have on hand lots of juice or what ever he likes to drink and don't leave him alone. If you are right there and he starts to go you can run him to the potty. Even if he only gets the last few drops in the potty, he gets rewarded. It is a process, but you will get there.
Good Luck :)