My oldest daughter never went through this phase so I'm really struggling with the behavior of my younger daughter. At bedtime she will not lay down and go to sleep. She either wants to continually over and over and over get stories from me or Dad and if she doesn't get her way she throws a fit. Then when she calms down she will lay in bed and anytime we walk past her room she calls for us. Her door is cracked and if we close it she throws a massive fit that often wakes her sister. She will not lue down and go to sleep. She will lay awake in bed for 2-3 hours after we put her to bed and talk, sing, call to us. It wouldn't be so bad but they wake up at 6:00 am each morning and don't go to bed until about 8:30 each evening. This week our evening activities have pushed bedtime back 30 minutes later than usual. Her behavior has been especially bad this week and I am at my wits end. She does usually nap at daycare but even daycare has mentioned that she hasn't been napping well (which is abnormal). Her only bad behavior during the day though is at bedtime. My guess is that she is just overtired and that's whiy everything is particularly bad this week. My fear is that this is just going to get worse. Should I be more concerned that this behavior is becoming a trend? I would love for her to easily fall asleep when going to bed instead of arguing with her each evening over stories, water, bathroom for 2-3 hours before she finally crashes out. Naptime at daycare is usually about 1 hours but she isn't sleeping that much either. She has a nightlight in the adjacent bathroom to guide her if she needs to use the bathroom overnight but that's it. Any other ideas or suggestions?
ETA: I meant to put her age in - she is 3 years old. We try to ignore all her other requests during bedtime except maybe bathroom because she is potty trained. She doesn't seem tired in the mornings - she will often wake up before we do. I let her sleep as long as she can but she is always raring to go as soon as she gets up.
There are a lot of great suggestions here and I will take some time and try them out. As far as her bedtime routine - it has remained the same for about a year now. Dinner time, then shower time, followed by brushing hair and teeth, story (I have two girls so they each get to pick one), potty time and then off to bed. We usually start with enough time that bedtime is usually between 7:30 and 8. I didn't change the school schedule from the summer one so I wouldn't have to readjust come school time. I have no choice this week to keep her up a little later because my husband has a work deadline coming up and has worked a few hours later each evening than normal so I have to take my oldest to her activities and bring my youngest with me. Usually Dad will get the little one settled at night. The way out house is setup has her bedroom door looking indirectly into the living room. I try to avoid walking past her room but it is virtually impossible because of the layout. Even with all the lights off she can still see us there and calls to us. Luckily she does stay in bed she just throws awful fits if we ignore her. Most of the suggestions are already things I have tried but I am willing to try anything at this point. I did find out that they are preparing her class to move up into the next age group in about 10 days but almost 75% of the class is moving with her so she has been super excited about it. Trying to come up with other things that could be wrong but drawing a huge blank. I'm just hoping we can settle this down before school starts for the older one. I will try a few tonight and let you know what happens.
Does she ever win at any of these things she asks for? Do you add another book if she begs long enough? Do you answer her when she calls out to you? Do you get water when she asks? If yes to any of these I would sit down and make new bedtime "rules". Set # of books, 1 glass of water and once night night is said - no more answers from mom/dad. Then follow through.
If she is not whining and crying all day then I say it's behavioral.
Try an earlier bedtime. At age 3, my kids were in bed by 7:30 pm. And they didn't have to get up at 6:00 a.m., either, they were sleeping until 7:00 a.m. or later (whenever they woke up).
It sounds to me like overtiredness. And, since it has been worse this week, when you had to push bedtime back a bit later... that cinches it for me.
1) Don't do those "evening activities" pre-bed. For some kids, (like my son), doing activities or physical things before bed, just WINDS him up. And gives him a 2nd wind. I told my Husband that.... many times. It does not calm my son down. THEN it takes another hour for him to wind DOWN.
2) Make the house, Dark and calm BEFORE bed. I'm talking 1 hour before bed. Turn things OFF. I only leave on 1 lamp. Nothing noisy. Nothing hyper. You have to set the stage.... PRE-bedtime. For sleep. AHEAD of time. A kid, needs to, change gears. They can't do that spontaneously.
What is happening, is your daughter is winding-down... WHILE she is already... in bed. And thus it is taking LONGER. WIND the kids down... BEFORE the actual bedtime.
3) Then, you verbally tell her, "wind-down time...." and "In 10 minutes... we walk to bed. Then cuddle/chat for 5 minutes to relax. Then bed time and Mommy leaves."
Give her loveys to sleep with, a flashlight for in bed, a cup of water nearby. That she can get herself. Tell her "Time to make your nest...." (ie: her bed all cuddly), then bedtime. My kids, love to call their bed their "nest." And they LOVE getting it ready and all comfy/cuddly before bed. Which, I also factor in this time, into their timeline of bedtime, so that bedtime is NOT late.
You have to verbally transition a child... as well as, doing it.
4) and yes, OVER-tired kids, can really make it mega hard, for them to go to sleep and to wind-down. Per my son, IF he is OVER-tired, he will actually get MORE hyper. My daughter just gets fussy but will pass out quickly. Each child being different. But I KNOW my son's cues. When he is hyper... it means he is TIRED. Dog, tired.
It will not be a trend. As a child gets older, they naturally change in mode.
How old is your daughter? Because, THAT, makes a difference.
ie: 2 year olds, TYPICALLY have lots of sleep tweaks.
ALSO, get her to bed, earlier.
Which means, starting the bedtime routine, EARLIER too. And that means, dinner needs to be earlier, too and the bath etc. 1 hour earlier, is what I do. And my kids are 6 and 9.
That way, they do not go to bed, late.
My kids, at their ages, go to bed at 8:00pm.
And they are, tired.
eta: I like what SH proposed too. I think she is a far more patient mom than I likely am. :)
There's a saying some of us have who have worked with kids for a long time: restful days mean restful nights. She could be off because of your later bedtime. You could try the earlier bedtime regularly (maybe 7:30-8 pm), but I think you have the other existing problem on your hands in that she's not minding and staying in bed when she's supposed to. (You don't say how old she is, and that might be helpful.)
What Melissa J said about setting expectations and following through is really important. Stories, kiss goodnight, etc. and then no more talking. No more getting up. Just keep putting her back to bed without a word, other than a firm and calm "Bed" once. Be as consistent and firm as possible on this one. No eye contact, no talking, just put her back into bed. No promises, no negotiating, no emotion from you at all.
One thing I tell my son is that although I am up later than he is, "This is your time to sleep; and my time to take care of what I need to do.My time with you is done for today and I'll see you tomorrow morning."
If she calls from the room, try to ignore her. Personally, if I were in your situation with a little one waking others, I would probably get a bit punitive. I'm of the belief that your rights end where the rights of others begin, and your older daughter has a right to sleep without being wakened. But do try to get her to bed earlier and see if it helps.
poor mom! my son does some of these things occasionally (and he is in bed 8:00-6:00 am also) and it drives me batty - i am a huge sleeper, my husband needs much less sleep than i do - and guess who lil man takes after?
it could be that she just needs less sleep. especially if she has had an active day, stays up later past bedtime, and THEN still wakes up before you.
but also, because she IS so active, as i have found with my son - he is SUPER prone to stalling tactics and they will go overboard really quickly. i would nip those in the bud. as long as she has pottied (and yes i would make her go before bedtime) there is no reason she should be getting out of bed or calling you - and reacting to it once will keep her doing it for DAYS. so you and hubby really have to be 100% consistent.
it's not fair to big sis at all and that is what would bother me about it. i would really crack down if it was me mama.
Your daughter is not trying to be naughty or uncooperative. Most kidlets will sleep if they can when tired. But there can be a variety of factors and other needs emerging that makes sleep harder to come by, and teasing out the causes for any individual child (or even adult!) can be difficult.
Here are a number of influences you might check out:
Too much screen time too late in the day. The blue light spectrum emitted, which inhibits production of the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin, and the hectic editing of much programming, can make sleep harder to achieve. Some experts suggest no screen time (tv, computer, etc.) for at least a couple of hours before bed. Use that time to start the unwinding process, read a book, snuggle, etc.
It could be your daughter is feeling a deficit of cuddle time. She is still a baby emotionally in some ways. You might try giving her at least 20 minutes of your focused attention when you connect again at the end of the day, and see if that makes her evenings easier, less clingy. And some dedicated time at bedtime that she knows she can count on might help, too.
Little ones often do very well in daycare, but may be saving up their stresses until they are among their comfortable "beloveds," their parents. Even children who are used to a daycare setting may go through periods when they simply need more connection with parents, and this need may be expressed in negative ways. They don't know that this is their problem, of course. There could be changes in daycare that shake kids up a bit, for example, when a friend no longer attends, or a challenging/demanding new child intrudes on comfortable patterns.
For a variety of reasons, children can easily get over-stimulated. They can't explain their behavior, but there's an excess of energy bubbling away that can express itself physically (lack of relaxation), or emotionally (a wide range of mood changes). Sometimes this accompanies a phase of new development in the brain or in physical achievement, which can be very exciting. Those periods generally fade over a couple of weeks, until the next developmental surge comes along.
There's also a possibility of developing sensitivities to the many chemicals in the environment and to diet. These sensitivities/allergies can develop at any time in life when an individual crosses a tolerance threshhold, and I can tell you firsthand that this can be a sleep-wrecker if the brain or nervous system is affected. If I've been around almost any scented products (especially in hot weather), it takes me up to 2 hours to fall asleep, and then I wake frequently through the night. Cleaning products are often the worse – fabric softeners, for example, contain a horrifying list of chemicals that affect all body systems.
I hope you can find ways to help your sweetie relax more quickly into sleep. Here's a very informative website that containa additional tips you might find helpful: http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm.
Are you sure she is overtired?
If she's not tired enough from plenty of activity (esp after having a short
nap at daycare), then she may not be ready for bed hence the dragging
out of bedtime routine. If not tired enough, move her bed time 30 mins
later.
If she is overtired, limit crazy activity too close to bedtime. Move quietly
when getting her ready for bed (brushing teeth etc), ready 1 or 2 stories
(no more), cuddle time, hugs, mommy loves you ect.
Limit walks by the room.
Move the nightlight into her room if not overly bright in case she is scared.
You can put it behind a dresser that is pulled away from the wall a bit.
I like the idea of putting a portable potty into her room as other poster
suggested so she doesn't have to walk at far & "wake herself up".
Falling alseep isn't easy for all kids as we well know. I am in support of more attention BEFORE the "stalling tactics" start. She is only 3 and sounds like in daycare for part of the day. Maybe she just wants more of your attention & "cuddle time" like another mom suggested.
Our son is like his father and takes A LOT of time to settle down; his engine just revs higher than most. He is very low maintainance all day, only at night. We choose to lay with him and quietly teach him tricks to fall asleep. Sometimes he wants a story & others he just lays there holding my hands & finally falls asleep. He is thoroughly independent all day, so we see this behavior as his way of recharging his battery and storing up all the security he will need for another day out in the big world of a 4 year old!
My 2 1/2 year old daughter started changing her routine a couple of months ago. She is not taking her nap at school and was giving us a hard time at bed time also. We realized this week that she was already very tired and sleepy by dinner time (6:30 pm), so we pushed back dinner at 6:00 pm, bath at 7:00 and bed time at 7:30. She decided she didn't want to sleep on her crib anymore, so we got her a toddler bed and she is happy to sleep now on a different bed, she will stay away talking and playing for about 30 min, but finally she falls sleep. I think she needed a change in the evening schedule since it seems that she is very tired from a long day at daycare without nap, and also having a change on her bed helped her.
I would let her talk quietly to herself as long as she stays IN BED. My DD gets x number of stories, hugs and kisses and songs and that's it. Time for Bed. Good night. Other requests are met with either being rerouted back to bed silently or being reminded that it's sleep time for everybody. My DD does not nap consistently and has not for some time. What you might also do is shave time by skipping things like an extra story and have a shorter bath. Get her to bed closer to the usual time. What I would really try to curb is having a fit. If my DD is quiet and not bothering anybody, then it's like her big sister reading in bed before she sleeps. I tend toward night owlishness and so does DD. Is anyone else in the family a night owl?
I agree with Victoria W. - she's overtired. My GD gets up at the same time every morning, no matter how late she may have gone to bed. The only difference is her attitude.
I would try an earlier bed time - like 7:30 - 8:00. At this age, she should be getting 10 - 12 hours of sleep.
have you ever watched super nanny's method for getting kids to stay in bed. It could be you need two nights where you do nothing for 2-3 hrs but silently put her back to bed, no more hugs kisses, stories, nighty night dear, just silently put her back to bed. Do you have a potty chair you could temporarily put into her room. that will allow her to pee if she actually needs to but not be as fun as going to the bathroom. Personally I do not walk by my kid's room while they are going to sleep, yea it can be a pain but if you keep away they fall asleep faster.
Can you try changing your schedule so she is home earlier? have one parent take older child to activity and one stay home and get her ready for bed. Does she go to bed any easier for Dad?
My 5 year old hasn't really napped in about two years. She would lie down and be quiet at naptime (at daycare but not at home) but doesn't nap unless she's not feeling well. She too is a night owl and can be as you described. I think your daughter is a bit overtired but maybe "missed the window" to get her to sleep. Since she's already up early, try to start bedtime earlier and institute quiet time.
As suggested by another mom, check out Super Nanny's bedtime techniques. They are firm, but gentle. It sounds as if your daughter is testing you and you are falling into her trap. By giving in to her demands, you are rewarding her bad behavior. Having said all of that, I have a 31 year old son who slept very little as a child and is still a night owl as an adult (not surprisingly he works nights). He went to bed at a regular time and was allowed to play quietly in his room until he fell asleep. As he got older the toys were put away and he would read in bed.....to this day he is an avid reader.
Does he have her own "ritual" that she uses to self-soothe?
I taught my daughter to "put her bear to bed". So she had to lay very very still and she could gently rub her bears back but her eyes had to stay closed or her bear wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
It worked most nights.
My daughter HATED to sleep - from the moment she was born. I would read all these book that talked about newborns that sleep 20 hours a day. She started off sleeping no more than 12-13 per day. At 3 she had cut out all naps and we had to do "quiet time" at pre-school. EVEN with all that.... she would naturally fall asleep about 10:30 and wake up on her own around 6.
It was a nightmare until I just embraced it and kept her up and engaged until about 9:40. Then we started bedtime routine and she would get in bed by 10:15 and try to get her bear to sleep. That seemed to work the best.
Good Luck
she may well be overtired. i'd certainly try tweaking the bedtime to see if that helped.
but mostly i'd be adjusting my own reactions to this. no child of mine would EVER get away with throwing a fit in order to achieve another story or glass of water. nope. no way. a bedtime routine is exactly that, a routine. no tv or screens after dinner, bath, story, brief snuggle, lights out. if she wants to lie awake and talk or sing quietly, that's her deal, but no calling out, no yelling or screaming, and absolutely no waking the sister. she has a nightlight to guide her to the bathroom, but if you're not giving on the extra glasses of water, that's probably not an issue.
be firm in your boundaries. this too shall pass.
khairete
S.
How old is she?
She sounds like my daughter... who finally got over that phase after about 6 months from age 2 1/2 until 3.
She was for sure overtired.
Maybe you could try putting her down at 8:00 or even earlier?
My kids don't nap - but they are all in bed by 7:30 (on a good night) and get up about 6:30 or 7:00 (and they are aged 7, 5 1/2 and 3 1/2).
It very much sounds like being overtired that is leading to the behaviour. I, personally, would spend a few night sitting with her and helping her sleep again. Then after a few nights of good, solid sleep slowly bring back your previous bedtime routine. When a little kids system gets all out of whack they need help resetting it.
Don't make a fight where it doesn't need to be. She will go back to being able to sleep again. This will not last forever.
I agree with getting her down earlier if that is possible. That has seemed to work for me and a friend of mine when bed time turned into a suggestion rather than a requirement. I feel like sometimes kids get into a cycle with this stuff too - like they've figured out how to beat the system and they plan on doing that every night. A reward/sticker chart has helped us with my 4 year old son - I'm not sure if it would click with your daughter. Like every night she gets a sticker on the reward chart for not coming out of her bedroom (or not yelling for another book, whatever seems realistic and attainable) and then after a certain number of stickers she can get a movie night or a new book or something. I'm not great with consistently having a reward chart, they seem to lose their excitement, but they have worked well for us in breaking bad habits. She sounds overtired, but the getting up over and over certainly doesn't help anyone! Good luck!
I think it sounds like she's coming down with something. Often I have a hard time with the kids a week or so before they get sick.
You are saying she gets up early in the morning. Do they let her lay down when she gets there? Or is she literally staying awake 15-16 hours per day. If she's going to bed at 8:30 and laying there for a couple of hours she is not going to sleep until after 10-10:30.
To me this is an issue. Our grand kids get up around 7am to go to school and come home after 3pm, no naps. They go to several after school activities and sometimes, like to night, I worked in the store late and just got home at 9:15pm. That means the kid I have with me still has to eat a good snack, do bedtime stuff and get in bed. She is already asleep and it's not 10pm yet..
She is going to get about 9 hours of sleep tonight. She will be tired tomorrow but still be wanting to go to the gym with me to work.
I think I would check with the doc about this if she is not acting normal at home and at school.
My son is now 7 and he has never out grown this "behavior"...he just doesn't like to go to sleep or some nights I think just hard for him to turn his brain off and fall asleep...and I hear from relatives he is my payback because I was the same way.
Since he is older I have gotten him some Calms 4 Kids...and some nights I try those, being homeopathic, but not every night, occasionally he will ask for them. I don't really think they do much. I have thought long and hard about melatonin...but until his eight year check up at which I can ask his pediatrician...I am not going to give it to him.
I guess my point is this might just be a phase or it might just be her sleep pattern. At our house we have a bedtime routine and once everyone is tucked in they have to stay in their bed...they can read or talk to themselves, etc but they have to stay in their bed. They get one free call to mom or dad...but then that is it. My daughter is literally asleep in under two minutes...my son some nights it is two hours...good luck!!
Does she act tired in the morning if she doesn't get much sleep at night? I ask this because my son is a night owl who doesn't need much sleep. He takes after me. He will be up til 11 or later at night, wakes up about 8, and will go to daycare and play all day without any issues. He may nap at daycare for an hour, he may not. Even days where I had to wake him up earlier, he doesn't have any behavioral issues, even when it's getting late at night.
I am perfectly fine with my son's schedule since I am also a night owl and stay up even later and wake up even earlier than he does. I'm going to try to get him in bed by 10 when school rolls around, only because he'll need to get up by 7:30, but I'm not expecting more than that. Your daughter just might not need that much sleep.
ETA: My son is now 5, but once he started sleeping through the night he has gone to bed at about the same time. Naps have diminished from 3-4 hours every day at about 12 months old to now just an hour each day, if he takes one.
At 3, she may be past the nap stage. If she does nap at daycare, she may not be tired enough at bedtime. If she isn't napping at daycare, I would push up the bedtime. For the napping toddler years, our kids' bedtime was 8:30. But once they dropped the nap, we pushed it back to 8:00, sometimes even 7:30, and they went to sleep pretty quickly. When they napped and we were doing 8:30 lights out, they were often not actually sleeping until 9:30-10:00.
