Overwhelmed & Stuck!

This may sound crazy but I also suffer from migraines. My husband and I did a lot of research and we found it could be the pillows we were using. I would sleep on two and he would sleep on one. We bought new pillows for each of us me firm and him regular and my headached have lessened. NO KIDDING. Try it - this also may work for you.

The only thing I can add is to ask if you are more stressed now that it's winter. I get WAY more irritable and it's called SAD. Norman Rosenthal wrote a great book called Winter Blues, everything you need to know to beat Seasonal Affective Disorder. I love him because he talks about priorities, eating right, exercise, and LIGHT! So antidepressants may become necessary, but only after lightboxes and other treatments are tried. Good luck and lots of love!

L.,

My advice for you would be to tap into your blessing. The bible tells us that God will not allow anything to come upon us that we can't handle. Take some time everyday(morning) to get with God and allow Him to show you how this is not too big for Him. In Proverbs it says that we should trust in the Lord. Lock yourself in a closet if you have to but find some quiet time to tap into God and start to listen for His voice. Satan would have you to believe that your marriage is not worth the effort. Isn't that just like an enemy...hit you when your down. He would have you to believe that all of this is too much to handle. Well it is too much for you to handle but not too much for God. Lay all of this on the alter and leave it there. Ask God everyday what it is YOU are to be doing and don't do anymore than He tells you to do. Watch how and see how much the Lord loves and adores you.

In conclusion...PRAY PRAY and PRAY somemore until change comes. The blessing is there just reach out for it.

C.

It does seem like a lot of big things have happened in a short time for you. I can kind of relate in a bit of what you are saying. I too finished my masters, took a job, moved away from family, got married and had a child all within a matter of really 2 years. It was huge for me, and I can definately understand the work part - it was very hard for me to find a job, I had only one offer and at times I really would like to quit. I know this sounds lame, but have you talked with your husband and expressed your feelings of losing yourself? Personally, when I feel over whelmed I usually email my husband, this way he can read and digest everything and I get to say everything I need to. We do eventually talk about it, but to get the ball rolling I usually need to email. I know email seems odd, but we have found it to be the best 'nuetral' form of communication where yelling or (in my case) crying arent factors. Maybe you can also talk to him about having 'you' time - where he takes the kids and goes out for the day or takes them to a close friends or relatives and lets you do what you like to do ... not clean, but a hobby or even just go out and walk in a park or whatever. To be fair, your husband probably really has no idea what you are feeling... when I got upset and felt used my husband didnt have a clue until I actually said it point blank. I would suggest that you really have a heart to heart with your husband, either in person or email, or note. And then take steps to find someething specifically for you that you can do weekly or biweekly. As far as the job, with the market as it is, i guess all you can do is keep looking... or set goals in your current job and really go for it. You have a masters and are very intelligent and capable. Figure out what it is you really want for yourself and go for it! Even if its little small steps. You might also want to let your husband know what your personal goals are... so that he can know how and when to support you. Go through your stuff, mentally or physically, and find who you are, then go for it. Hope this helps! Feel free to message me anytime :)

hello L. and thanks for sharing. I found chiropractic helped with my weekly headaches (I don't get them any more)

Consider The Journey, by Brandon Bays (a book). The Journey is a personal therapy that can work wonders. It allows you to find your own truths and get rid of any emotional baggage that has been dragging you down.

It's not religious-based, it's just a fantastic therapy. I swear by it.

I have certainly been where you're at - flashes of white-hot anger, guilt afterwards and the constant nagging feeling that I wasn't where I was meant to be.

Not any longer. I am now happy in my life, happy with my husband (still the same lovely man he was before) and delighted with my kids (3). It was ME - the inside me - that needed healing.

I wish you the very best in however you move ahead. Trust your heart.

L. x

Dear Stressed and Stuck,

I hear that you have a lot going on. It's common for human to want to "cut and run" when faced with problems that can't seem to solve. Additionally, being tired will create emotions that result in what I call the "f-it's." I hear that you are disappointed in many things--your career, finances, and marriage. Start by seeking support from objective sourses. If you cannot afford therapy maybe you can find a peer support group or attend pastoral counseling through your church. Just don't give up--if your really loved and supported by your husband what you are going through is all about you and not him or your children. The grass isn't greener on the other side and think about raising two children alone with school loans that you cannot afford. Love is a behavior not a feeling. YOung marriages go through rough spots especially when financial stress is involved.

I am not sure I have any real advice to give, but I had to respond with the talk about your headaches. I too, after my second child had headaches pretty much constantly for over a year. It drove me insane, and I seriously know how that can just enhance any "bad" mood you are in. That year after my second was born was the most stressful time I have ever experienced. I had eye and ear appointments. Had an MRI. Basically, it was left (unofficially) that I have TMJ (which can be triggered by childbirth). But I am not 100% sold that is/was the problem. But I too, got carpul tunnel in both of my wrists from the pregnancies (I thought I was the only one!). I really have not found anything that helps my headaches, other than going to a chiropractor every couple of months for an adjustment on my neck. It seems to ease them a bit for a while, and when they start bothering me again, I go back. I also had a lot of stress in my marriage at this time as well, and of course things not going well between your hubby and make it so hard to be a good mommy. (At least that is how it was with me). The only thing I found at the time that helped me put things into perspective, was reading historical fiction books on women, how they lived long ago. For some reason, reading about how hard it has been for women in the past, made me feel lighter about my own burdens. (If you are interested in trying that..look into Janette Oke books). All I can say about the marriage part...I had the same feelings, and stuck it out I guess..and it has gotten better. I think when we are just so stressed like that, sometimes we can't see clearly, and everything that is going wrong hits us hard. It also might help to seek out someone to talk with...even if it is just a close trusted friend that you can vent to. Don't gett too overwhelmed...things will look up!
K.

Hello STRESSED,

I feel you pain! I am 24 years old and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. My Fiancee is wonderful and always backs me up but for a long time I felt the same way I missed my independence/ identity and being able to just worry about me. It is very hard to have to put everything first before your need and wants. And It is also very hard to deal with the everyday stress of bills/ kids and work!! It drives me crazy but, I think the key is to find a medium and try to relax. I bought a book called "words of wisdom" by rev run I am not religious and I know it may seem stupid but it has some things that really made me step back and take a look at my life and what I have. I know it is hard to do but think about what you do have that is good and try to remind your self everytime you feel as if you head is going to explode to "Do your best and forget the rest" Take time for yourself when you can and as hard as it may be learn to talk to your husband about how you feel, chances are he may feel the same and you can help each other get through. Oh, I have one more idea again it may sound stupid but it works for me.. When I need to put things back in to perspective and relax I watch sappy movies like the notebook when I am mad at my man and Click with Adam Sandler when I don't think I can take one more tantrum from my little girl. These movies help me refresh my feeling and remember what is truly important in life. Don't forget that "The grass is always greener on the other-side" I hope this helps!! A trip to the Dr. I am sure would work too! KIT

If you are on birth control pills, stop taking them and see if that helps. I had taken them starting as a young woman. When I went on them again at about your age, I started having migraine-type headaches related to my menstrual cycle. This was on the lowest dose pill. I also developed skin discoloration. As soon as I stopped, that all went away. I think as we approach 40 our hormones change, and we tolerate the pill differently.

My wonderful husband got a vasectomy on Father's Day.

Honey, no wonder you've got headaches! A newborn alone is stressful enough. Find a therapist or someone to talk to. You need help to sort it all out.

Good luck

Have them (your doctors) check you for Lyme disease. The same thing with the headaches happened to me, and no-one and nothing could offer me a reason or relief. Finally, I too was sent to a neurologist who sent me for countless tests, but he also did a full blood work up. That's when they found my Lyme titre was extremely elevated. Within 2 hours of him receiving the results, I was in the hospital having a spinal tap done to measure the pressure in my spinal fluid. Within 12 hours of that test, I was admitted to the hospital with Lyme Menigitis. Turns out, the Lyme, untreated for a severly long time, manifested itself in my spinal fluid, which in turn, caused swelling of the fluid, which caused the increasingly severe headaches. (When I was finally diagnosed, I had had a blinding, seven time middle of the night emergency room visit because I sincerely thought my head was going to explode headache for 3 months that had started months earlier as an occasional migraine.)

When I was admitted to the hospital, I was immediately placed on high dose IV antibiotics and within 24 hours, my headache was reduced to a mild pain. I was on and off the medication for almost a year total, and whenever I would stop the antibiotics and they would work their way out of my system, the headache would start back.

I also experienced chronic fatigue to the point I literally could not get out of bed or take care of myself. My husband was calling us both in sick to work so that he could help me with everything, I couldn't even shower by myself because I was too weak to stand for long periods of time. Everyone attributed this to stress and dealing with my two children and all their activities while working outside the home full time. This also improved as my treatment progressed.

I sincerely hope that this isn't the case for you, but it never hurts to check. Lyme disease is extremely serious and even more extremely under-diagnosed in the state of Maryland.

HTH,

Kymber

It sounds to me like you have a bit of depression working in your life, and the stress of it all is causing the headaches. They, of course, are only adding to the situation. Believe it or not, it can be part of a leftover from your pregnancy and the "post partem" blues. Before taking any drastic steps in your life, I would highly suggest getting some counseling. You may even want to have an appointment with your OB-GYN to discuss how you are feeling. It is possible you need to be on a mild medication to help you through this. I went through this, ended up on Paxil for a year, and it was the best thing I could have done. Have me a whole new perspective on things. Running away from everything isn't going to help you, and right now you are not doing your children any good as you are probably being short and irritable, even when you don't realize it! You may still decide you need to be out of your marriage, but by getting counseling and discussing with your physician you will at least be able to make a more educated and thought out decision. Good luck!

Get yourself tested for food allergies. You will be amazed at the health probelms they will cause.

Cronic headaches could be the root to your entire problem. I went through a similar situtaion. I started with severe head-aches, strong meds, neurologists, then on to "pain management" (which meant MORE drugs that left me unable to cope with life).At one point I was at home in bed getting IV drugs that my husband had to leave work to come home and administer!!!! It was an unbelievable nightmare. Then, I started having nubness in my right arm, was sent to an ortho pedic surgeon to check for a pinched nerve, & his first question was "Have you been having any headaches?" Needless to say, I sobbed with graditude. he deterined I had a herniated disk that was pinching a nerve that causes headaches & numbness down the right arm! I had surgery within a week (he wanted to prevent permanent nerve damage since this had gone undetected for so long). I haven't had anything except a sinus headache since! It is worth considering.
My advice would be to NOT do anything drastic at this point. Work on the solution to one thing at a time.
I hope this helps, I will pray for you. Annie

This is a wonderful book that I would like to recommend to you, its called Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer. It has helped my husband and me change our lives dramatically for the better.

L., being stressed and unhappy because of this modern day pace and needs is difficult to cope with. The good news is that there are professionals who are skilled in helping people cope with their lives. They are called cliinical psychologists, and their strength is in helping people gain skills to cope with what life sends their way.

I recommend that you find a good psychologist and seek some adjustment therapy. This is many times partially or totally covered by medical insurances, because it is something that can be "made better" through this type of therapy.

Don't feel that you are in this alone, and that you are trapped. There is help out there. If you want the name of a good psychologist, just message me and I'll send you the name of the person who helped me several years ago.

Peace to you.

I agree with the other ladies. Seek counseling or other professional mental health treatment. I know exactly where you are at as I have been there myself. There is no shame in getting help or taking medications. If you are breastfeeding, there are even meds that are safe to take while nursing. You might even consider marriage counseling. If you go for both, get two therapists so that your personal issues are kept separate from marital ones and nobody can say the therapist is taking sides.

As for the student loans, you can always apply for a forbearance or a deferment. I know it's only a short term fix, but it might help alleviate the strain at the moment so you can catch a breath.

The job market is really tough for everyone right now. My husband finally got the job he really wanted and was laid off a little over two months later just as we were getting caught up with bills. I know that doesn't make you any less miserable in your job, but know that you're not alone in being unable to find a job or a better one than you have now.

I wish you the best of luck in getting things sorted out. Take some time out for your self. One of the things I used to do was to go get free massages at the local massage school. Yeah, it's students, but it's free and a great stress reliever.

Dear L.
I am in the process of completing my masters degree and I have been working on a paper on postpartum depression. It sounds as if you are having these symptoms. Please take the time to talk to your husband, he loves you and you love him. Explain to him what is going on and see what he can do to help you around the house/with the children/etc so you have a chance to have some time for yourself. I would STRONGLY recommend talking to a psychiatrist/therapist to be evaluated for medication or at least talk therapy. Also, I had horrible headaches and have also been diagnosed with carpal tunnel from my pregnancy. Are you nursing your child b/c I found that when I was at work my headaches intensified and believe it was hormone related. Feel free to contact me if you need anything. I will have you in my thoughts. Take care of yourself! Your children and husband love and need you there!

It sounds like in addition to the physical symptoms of the migrains, you should also seek out some counseling. Learning to cope in your "new" situation (marriage, new baby, lack of independence, etc.) might be just the medicine you need to feel better about yourself and your life. It's okay to feel lost and be struggling, and it's even MORE okay to seek out someone to help you get through it. Don't wait! Don't throw in the towel, seek help for not just your body, but for your mind and spirit as well. As someone struggling with chronic depression who has sought help and feels great now, I highly recommend therapy!

Good luck!

L., I feel so terrible for you. I could really hear the angst in your message. It sounds like your husband is trying to be there for you every way he knows how, which you're very lucky for. Other than your husband, do you have local family? You may want to rely on someone to come over and help with the baby while you take some "me-time". You could spend that time searching for jobs, or doing something special for yourself like a simple manicure or a quiet lunch alone. It almost sounds like you may have a touch of post-partum depression, which is totally normal. Have you talked to your doctor about the way that you feel?
Most importantly, you need to understand that you're never truly stuck. There are oppurtunities all around you- you'll get yourself settled. Just reach out to those around you for help.

Wow, this sounds very serious. I wonder if anyone has suggested you were going through some post-pardum depression. I am so sorry you aren't able to find the job you are looking for but if you *hate* it you should definitely consider quitting since I am sure you resent going and are unhappy whe you are there. Maybe if you are able to leave your job, it might be easier to find a new job with more time to look for one. The problems with the marriage sound like a result of so much stress. What do you think one thing you can change in your life that would make you feel better about yourself? A new job? a new husband? Surely you don't want to leave your baby's father which might make more work for you. I think you should try to make some changes that might make you feel more successful and less stressed. Perhaps joining a book club once a month or bunco group or something might help you feel more independent and happy. Honestly, I am not really sure if any of this is helpful but I hope you feel like the family is important and you are willing to do whatever you think is best for the children. On another note, I love Excedrin migraine for my headaches. It is over the counter and works like a miracle for me. I do wish you good luck as you search for the best thing for your children and family.

Dear L.,

I would agree with the many others who suggested therapy. It's a great place to let it all out to an objective 3rd party. Perhaps meds are in order as well. A therapist could point you to the right doctor to see for that. Pain & depression often go hand in hand in a vicious cycle. Hard to say which comes first (the chicken or the egg), the pain causing the depression, or vice versa, but one begets the other in a cycle that may need to be broken.

Your GYN may be someone to talk to about that as well. If your GYN is a female, that can be really helpful. I find female docs to be much more in tune to women, especially as we start to age a bit and our bodies/hormones go through so many changes.

Another option that I would suggest for your headaches is acupuncture. It's something that has helped me quite a bit in the past. It's painless, will not cause side effects, and has the potential for many benefits.

For right now, don't make life altering decisions. Try to take care of yourself first. You and your family will all benefit from it.

Hi L.,

It looks like you got A LOT of responses to your request for help, and a lot of good advice. With so much going on in your life, you should consider going to see a Mental Health Therapist to help you sort it all out. I would recommend one connected to a clinic with psychiatrists in case medication is indicated (trust me, it is much easier to do when the therapist and MD work as a team). You DON'T get brownie points for sucking it up and getting through it without help. When a person is Depressed, it makes it much more difficult to cope with the day-to-day stress of life, you have enough on your plate without making it harder. Pain also lowers your tolerance of stress (I had migraines and was FINALLY Rx'ed Topomax for them...went from 3-4/month to 1 every 2-3mos, but mine were not caused by Carpol Tunnel). Here are a few Symptoms of Depression...Poor sleep (or too much sleep), poor appetite, poor concentration, irritable, tearful, low energy, difficulty motivating yourself to do everyday things, sad mood, lack of interest/pleasure in things that you used to enjoy, feeling worthless/hopeless/helpless, recurrent thoughts of death. You don't have to have all of these (in fact few people do), but if you have 5 of these (or even a few), go and see your doctor. This is a medical issue, not a judgement. You might as well use the insurance you get from the job you hate for something, right?

Don't make major life changes when you are not feeling like yourself. Start with one thing at a time and things will get better. You can contact me directly if you need some direction. I work in the mental Health field. Good luck.

S.