Parenting Style Battles

I've had differences with parenting styles with my husband regarding certain things - bedtime for one. A couple of months ago I suggested that we "take turns" getting my son ready for bed, reading him a book and tucking him in. We alternate nights and on the nights I don't do it, I go in our bedroom and read a book myself or watch TV. Not only are we giving each other the chance to do things our own way, but we also each get turns to have a relaxing night doing our own thing. It has been working great! My son even loves the idea and every night he asks who's turn it is. Sometimes he'll ask if we can both do it, so we'll read a book together, but then one of us will put him to bed.

I think with most chores, turn taking will work. The key is not to stress about the way he does his turn as long as the task is completed in the end, and he can't interfere with your turn. Good luck!

Hi J., Sadly you do have a big problem. Yes your son is well aware of the inconsistency in his parents and if he is not respectful now it may not get better. I guess I am lucky... neither my husband or I are control people but I see what it has done to my daughter's marriage and her children. I hope you can find a way to address this issue and come to a happy medium. Your differences should be discussed without your son around and one command be given. You might try putting aside your need to control and do what is best for your child. I know it is not easy to let things roll off your back if it is not your personality but you may have to wait until later to talk to the dad about what you disagree with. I will pray for you both. Raising children is not easy, I know, I raised 5 and now help with my grandchildren. My best, Grandma Mary

Get help now! This problem only seems to get worse as your child gets older. Believe me, I have 3 boys now 2 now in HS and it has been a very difficult struggle. We got marriage counseling last year, which did help, but it is not easy! You really need to be on the same page with parenting..we call it the Uni-parent. If you don't do it now as your son grows older he will pick up on your differences and play one against the other and then there is your mother-in-law. Save your marrage now....get help! good luck

Hi J.,

You have a BIG problem.
What's the major cause of divoce?
1. Battle over money
2. Battle over parenting styles
3. Cheating

Marriages have ups and downs, but one thing that kept my husband and I together was that he always supported my parenting choices in regards to our daughter (and I his) and when he did not, he waited until she was asleep or out of earshot to discuss it with me. He is and always has been a very involved parent. Parents have to respect each other. Your husband does not sound like he is repecting your by his actions. Also you sound very, very angry with him.

As a woman I am telling you deal with your angry before it turns to resentment. Anger is not bad - it just means there is a problem that needs a solution. You want him to get out of your way so you can do it YOUR way, this may make you feel good in the short run, but it will hurt your child in the long run. Both of you had a child TOGETHER - you both need to grow up and work it out. My husband and I had to and anyone who has a solid marriage has to.

Since we did so well parenting it helped ups to tackle our financing and there was a lot of arguing on that front, but the same rules applied.
Fight fair - no emotional punches to the crotch area.
Stick to the topic. Don't pretend you're arguing about children when really you're arguing about how he is disrespectful to you in front of your friends.
Time Out - If you can't agree - agree to go back to your corner and take a break.
Agree to disagree. Some things only time and maturity can heal.

Good Luck

Hi J.,

I really feel for you and know what you are going through. This happens with my husband and I all the time, only I have a step son who is the oldest so that pretty much means my husband gets his way all the time. I do believe that it is a mother's role to handle things like discipline and child rearing (I know that is old fashioned to some, but that is what we were born to do). It is very difficult in today's society where women work outside the home (which I did for 4 years as a new mother before being able to come home full time), men like to take on some parental responsibilities that in the past would have been left to the women, and women are striving for independence in many ways. There are many things we must negotiate in a marriage, and it is great that you recognize the need to deal with this while your child is still just a baby.

Why don't you take him out for dinner and have a great heart to heart about what is bothering you, how you would like to see your son raised, how he would like to see your son raised, and come to an agreement that you can both live with. Then all you have to do is keep your sides of the deal, and tweak the plan as your son grows.

Hope this helps even a little.

D.
stay at home, homeschooling mother of 5 (1 step and 4 biological children)

Your husband needs to realize that this parenting 'gig' is a partnership deal. You need to stand 'united as one' when it comes to raising a child. Your husband cannot have it only his way. That is not fair to you. You are part of the deal. You have a say in raising your son. Your son needs to see that you are united in your parenting. It is only fair to the child as well as to both of you. I hope your husband will see the light. Good luck.
D.

PS; I too, always did bath time with both of my sons. When Cooper was a 2 yr. old, one night, I asked my husband to please give Cooper his bath. He declined and told me that I am much better at it than he would be. LOL!!!! I was annoyed, so after his bath, I wrapped Cooper up in his towel and told him to go tell daddy; "I had a nice bath, no thanks to you." Cooper said: "Okay Momma, I will tell him." He called his dad by his name at that age, and when he went out to his dad, Cooper said; "Hi Tom! I had a nice bath! No sanks!!!" Well, I was laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I was trying to tell my husband what it was that Cooper was really supposed to have told him. My laughing mad Tom laugh really hard too and Cooper getting a huge kick out of making both his parents laugh so much, he joined us in the laughter! What a fun memory for all of us!!!! No, Tom never did give my sons a bath. It was 'my job' but I did enjoy those delicious days that are no longer here. Both my sons are teens now. Tom missed out on what I gained! :D

You may also want to check out the book "Why Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It" by Ron Taffel. Looks like new copies aren't available at Amazon, but this website has some used copies:

http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?qwork=7216324&match...

Good luck,
A.

This is a huge deal. No kidding- parenting HAS to be a cooperative, respectful, team effort. Otherwise, you will become more and more resentful and angry, particularly as your son starts to see the lack of both boundaries and respect in your husband's behavior. What he sees, he will imitate. He might well be in the beginnings of this already. 19 month olds are so smart!

My husband and I have to constantly work on this, and we talk about absolutely everything. (Sometimes against his will!) We're both very stubborn people, and the only reason we're able to be successful in this is because we spent 2 years in couples' counseling. It changed our lives, honestly! I didn't think we were going to make it, and I had a hard time convincing him to go along with it at first. But a child puts everything in perspective, and we didn't want to show him a that a marriage is about conflict and a battle for power.

Your husband sounds just like mine! A loving, doting daddy who just wants to be in control, and can't take any sort of constructive criticism! My husband is pretty dismissive of his own mom, as well. (Loves her so much, but just doesn't really listen to her!) I see that pattern in our marriage sometimes, but now I can call him on it and he usually comes around. But it didn't happen until we got help.

I can't recommend marriage counseling enough. Good luck!

Hi Jen,

If your husband is indeed undermining your authority, contradicting you, saying you're not doing things right and taking over, he is indeed setting the example that your son should not listen to Mom. Have you tried to ask him if he wants his son to disrespect his mother? and if he says "of course no" to explain to him that taking over, contradicting you, etc. the way he does is the message he's inadvertently sending?

Have you also explained to your husband that it's very important that the parents present a united front, otherwise the child (even this young) will start to play one against the other, and you'll have all sorts of issues down the road?

It doesn't mean he can't disagree with you, just not in front of your child, especially while things are happening. Maybe all you need to do is ask him to just support you in front of your son, THEN complain about anything he didn't like afterward. It'll also help have a conversation to find a compromise that is acceptable to everyone. If there's one thing I've learned from being a mom, it's that control doesn't work - for either parent. :-)

Hope this helps,
K.

Dear J.,

I agree with Hanna that this is a major issue that needs to be addressed. I commend you on the fact that you have acknowledged that this as a major problem thats half the battle. Your request title Parenting Style Battles says it all to me. If you are not a united couple you will surely loose the battle. You son is only 19 months old however I think he will if he hasen't already learn how to manipulate this situation. Right now he is only a baby the bigger decisions will come as he gets older and if you cannot come to agreement now what will happen as he is older. The expression little kids little problems, big kids, big problems. Try to explain to your husband that he is the most important role model in his little boys life, and how he treats you will mirror in how your son treats you as well as any women in his life. Have you tried talking to your husband when you are not angry and you are calm? I know when I am angry and try to talk to my husband about things he shuts right down or just walks away. Maybe if you set aside a time when you can go out for dinner and really try to tell him how your feeling. If you are in public it will serve two purposes the baby will not be around and you will both control your temper. If you do not resolve this now I think your frustration will turn to resentment and that can end up ruining your marriage. You have a beautiful little boy to raise together and your husband needs to know that his controlling is making you unhappy and an unhappy mommy makes and unhappy household. Good luck!!!