Parents in Law Conflict

The same thing happens to my son every year! His Grandpa's birthday is the same as his and Grandpa always choses a place "not suitable for kids". We usually have a family birthday party for him in the morning (cake and all) so he knows we think he is special, and then tell him that we will have his friends come over for ANOTHER party in a day or two. He thinks it's the greateest because in his eyes it makes his birthday go on for days! I know how you feel though. Good luck!

i don't really know what to say about why other posters feel grandma is more important but maybe i am gravely wrong. if it were me i wouldn't get into it with my in-laws but i would proceed celebrating my daughter's birthday on the actual day. if i were to be asked that day or in the future why i didn't attend, i would just say: cause it was my daughter's birthday. i don't know about your hubby, maybe don't even give him the pros and cons, let him decide and be at peace with whatever decision he makes. now, even if my daughter was invited, i would still not go because 2 is way young to be expected to be well-behaved and leave the others enjoy the celebration. good luck

A.,
Well, talk about being between a rock and a hard place. I feel that it was very rude of your in-laws to not invite your daughter, you should have been given a choice to bring her or not, you know how your chid behaves.
As someone who has been on her in-laws bad side for years, (over my son) I must agree with part of Carolyn's advice. Simply allow your husband to go, 75 is a big milestone for his grandmother, and stay home and have a special time with your daughter, if anyone asks, you simply could not get a sitter and chose to stay home so he could attend. No need to elaborate, they do not need to know that your daughter's birthday is more important.

Even though your daughter doesn't yet realize what day her birthday is, that is a special day for YOU! Enjoy it!

Hi. Try not to be too offended, its a tough situation.

I have the same situation. My son and Grandma were both born on April 26. My Grandma is going to be 90 and the family is planning a big party. Luckily we don't live close, so we aren't going for that reason, but my Dad is and is going to miss my son's party. I told him that I understand and that we'll just celebrate with him on a different day. If you live close, I would ask the Grandma what she would like. It could be that she would be hurt to not have her Great-Granddaughter there to co-celebrate. Don't be offended is she agrees with the others.

You could also celebrate your daughter's birthday earlier in the day and then just your husband go to the Grandma's dinner.
No one will be upset at you for choosing to stay with your daughter.

I also send flowers to Grandma, specifically from my son saying 'Happy Birthday, birthday twin!' She gets a kick out of it.

** Response to your 'on another note'. You should definitely stay home with your daughter. If you go to the dinner you will just stew about how you should be with her. Save yourself and just stay home. Your husband should be free to go or stay home.

Maybe...to keep the peace, celebrate your daughter's birthday the next day. it's still the weekend and your daughter won't know any different. i know she comes first and it's a bit of an inconvenience for you and it sucks to have to give in a little but keeping the peace is important to your husband I'm sure. i know what its like to be on the "outs" with inlaws and it's not a fun place to be. so that might be something you might consider...?

I'm sorry but I believe that your husband and your daughter should come first. I think that is extrememly rude for them to put you in a situation like that, to where you feel like you are having to choose. I know she may only be 2 and not know the difference but "you" will know the difference. Your husband, you and your daughter are a family. I don't see how that is right in inviting "part" of a family and leaving a little girl out who's birthday is just as important. You have to decide what is best for you and your family but if that were me and our son was not invited.....We would not go.

On another note....I totally agree with the other woman that made mention of also taking in consideration of how your husband feels. I only know what "we" would do as a family because that is something that would also bother my husband. I have to say though, if my husband really wanted to be there for his grandmother's 75th B-day, that would be a whole different story. The two of you should definitely be in agreement with whatever you decide is best for "your" family.

Good Luck!!

A.,
I completely disagree with the previous post. If you give in to their unreasonable request of having focus only on the grandmother...you are going to have to give in EVERY year until the grandmother dies! I say, stand your ground. If you let them win this year you are going to have to celebrate your daughters birthday on a different day every year. I say, don't go...give your husband the option to go or stay with you (without being upset if he goes b/c after all it is his grandmother)...I just don't think you should give in and allow this to continue...it isn't like you planned to have your daughter on the grandmothers birthday.

Celebrate with your daughter. Definitely don't skimp on her special birthday time because of someone who's already had 74 other birthdays. At your daughter's age, each one is special and a very big deal. DO NOT go to the party later in the evening for the grandmother either. I feel very strongly that your daughter's birthday is the one very special day of the year when you should be totally at her disposal for lots of love and hugs and fun. Especially since you are about to add a younger sibling to her life that she's going to have to share your attention with. Think of it this way. Your in laws can not expect you to leave your daughter with a sitter on her own birthday, so they obviously don't want you to attend based on their choice of venue. Your Daughter's feelings are #1 and at this age, feeling are so easy to hurt. A 75 year old woman should be grown up enough to not have her feelings hurt by your absence. Hope this helps.

Hi. Is is possible to have her party earlier in the day? Say around noon? If so, that is what I would do, some things aren't worth the headache. If not have your daughter's party and skip the grandmothers. Kids come first, by the time we become adults are B-days aren't important anymore. She should know this. Good luck!

I know that having a child turn two is a big milestone for the child and for parents.

However, so is your grandmother in-law turning 75 and it will mean more to her to celebrate her birthday on her actual day. In years to come it will be more and more important to your daughter, so maybe this year it can be another day during the weekend. That way family who wants to attend both momentous celebrations will have an opportunity to be with both Birthday Girls. Then it is a win win situation for all!

Maybe you can do something special for her birthday breakfast that day to kick off the birthday weekend. I think it is more important to we parents to celebrate the day our children were born when they are so young. My son turned 2 and certainly understood it better this year, but we had his party on a different day and he was none the wiser.
Good luck!

so what did you do? i understand that power stuggle and right or wrong, i would have stayed home with my daughter. :-)

I would be concerned that my husband is putting his grandmother before his child, and in my world that is a no-no. But on the other hand, the grandma may not have another birthday coming and you can pick the next day or day before to celebrate your daughters birthday, your daughter won't know the difference now. As long as her birthday is celebrated i would not worry too much about it. By the time your daughter will be old enough to know the difference, the grandma may not be here anymore.

Follow your heart on this one. It seems that too much information is left out for us to give good advice. I say this because of the fact that you say she is "technically" unrelated to you. Also, how did it go on your daughter's first birthday? Was there a family conflict then? The five year leaps make grandma's 75th a big deal. If there is not any ongoing conflicts within the family to indicate that this will be an annual problem, then, I say go to the party with your husband.

What I don't agree with is to try to celebrate both birthdays on the same day. My daughter is now nine and I know from experience, parties can and do tend to go into overtime. Especially if other children are invited. If you don't want to do your daughter's on another day and compromise on a 75th milestone it just seems that this is not about birthdays at all. However, if you can't attend and be comfortable, don't go.

A couple of thoughts:

1) Ask great-grandma herself if that is her preference - my DD's great-g'ma loves every opportunity to see her, yours may too!

2) Also, really evaluate your daughter's ability to behave at that (or any other) restaurant. Can she/will she eat the food, stay in her seat, and be quietly entertained for the majority of the dinner? Is it really kind to her to bring her if she can't?

3) If you don't bring her, I agree with the other poster, your daughter does not know or care at the age of 2 that her birthday be celebrated on her actual birth date. Have a big special birthday breakfast that day and then celebrate with a party or whatever on another day, and she'll enjoy it just as much. [My oldest DD was born on Dec 30th and we have a very little family celebration (just us and the kids and a cake) on her actual birth date. We do big parties for her every year, but never so far on her actual birthday - it is too close to Xmas and New Years and we travel out of state for Xmas every year. She's only just turned 4, so that may change as she gets older (and the parties get smaller), but right now, she's so excited about the parties, she really doesn't care what day they are on. And the bonus (for her) is she gets multiple cakes/parties. = ]

3) Great-Grandma, however, is very aware of when her birthday is and the fact that it falls on a Saturday this year may make it important to her to celebrate on the actual date. #75 is also a pretty big milestone, she may not have a big party every year. As a member of her extended family, you should probably go, and they may not have very many shared birthdays left, after all.

4) If you do care so little for Great-Grandma, since she is not 'technically' related to you (although she is, the legal marriage of you to her descendant does makes you technically related, if not by blood), then don't attend *and* don't make waves. Your husband should attend and just let the rest of the family know that you couldn't get a sitter, so you stayed home so that he *could* join the party. No need to mention the DD's birthday. Win-win situation and shouldn't get your in-laws in a snit.

Good luck!

PS - If you haven't done so already, a nice keepsake for each of the birthday girls would be a picture of just the two of them every year on their shared birthday. = )

***Response to your 'on another note" - definitely choose to stay home and enjoy the evening with your little girl. Give your DH the option of going if he'd like, and don't hold it against him if he goes, but I'm with Megan, if you go, you'll just stew over it the entire time and not enjoy yourself. Better to claim lack of a sitter and let him attend to represent you both to the family to keep them happy. I'm often on the 'outs' with my in-laws as well, so I think that trying to keep the peace is worth it (to you) in the long run.

A.
I was wondering if the issue at hand is really the birthday party or the fact that you were informed rather than asked about the way the event should be handled. Many readers have given you suggestions, but I would like to know more about how your husband feels about this. Although you do not consider yourself part of your husband's family, this may be were some of your issues lie. Power struggles never work and this could become more problematic not only for you and your husband but also for your daughter. As she gets older, she may feel caught in the middle and try to make everyone happy. I have no doubt you love your daughter very much and want to give her the best. This is one area in where in life, we must make choices based on what is best for the whole family (including your husband). Discuss this with him, ask how he feels and try to find a way that both of you will feel confortable with the choice. This is just the begining of having to schedule events that may not be convenient for everyone (school plays, milestone ceremonies, etc.).
I hope this will help you to find a way to negotiate in this situation and maybe help with communicating with your in-laws.

C. C.
Life Coach