Parents Rights!!!

I would go get the papers and let him sign her over. I think it is better to have no Dad at all than one that is on again off again and not present.

Any person who would even consider signing away their right as a parent just because of something so trivial is not worth much in my eyes. If you can afford to do without the support -I say "Let him sign!"

I'd contact a lawyer and find out what the legal steps are for him to give up his parental rights. I don't think it gives him the right to stop paying child support. There are free legal organizations that can help. Just look them up on the internet or call the local District Attorney's office and ask them who to contact.

I have never been in your shoes, so I can not relate to the emotional situation that your are obviously in. However, looking in from the outside, I have to say a few things.

1. The child support money that you both keep threatening each other with isn't either of yours to do anything with. It is your child's money. You are only the caretaker of it. It isn't your right to refuse it because it is too much trouble just as it isn't his right not to send it for the same reason. Both actions simply hurt the child by taking away something from her that is her right to have. Everytime you think of child support equate it with love. She deserves that from both of you too and neither of you would discuss ending that.

2. You can choose to encourage him to sign his rights away, but the implications of those actions could hurt your daughter in more ways than one. I say it is best to let him handle that choice on his own. Do you really want to have your daughter ask you why you helped her dad abandon her or in essence do you want a hand in severing her from someone she loves? Oh and don't doubt she loves her father. Kids love their parents even if they are abusive. If the parent isn't around then the child creates a fanatasy, but loves that fantasy father.

3. I suggest writing down how you would like things to happen. For instance, I will be willing to make arrangements for you to see daughter anytime. I do request 3 days notice if possible. or I would be willing to drop her off at your house rather than you picking her up, if it is easier for you or something to that effect. Then ask at the bottom what are some things that he would like to be different or what things would he like to request of you to make his life easier and what requests of yours does he feel he can't meet. Then find solutions and compromises. Even if he has to have the girlfriend there with him. This is so that your daughter can have a relationship with her dad. If it doesn't work out between them, then you have done your best by her. She will never doubt that you have done all you could and the sole blame for her hurt will be where it should be. Now if you all do resolve the issues (which seem really emotionally charged becasue of the hurt and if everyone can be respectful, over time maybe better becasue the hurtful feelings won't be so strong) then she will love you all the more for sacrificing your own feelings and putting hers first.
I know your daughter is really young and you probably feel that it be best to have their relationship end now before she is older, but she will ask one day ---- WHY???
She may look him up and ask him.
You obviously picked this man at some point, I say make the best you can out of an uncomfortable situation and know, over time if tempers are put in check, it can be better. The emotions and the hurt have to be dealt with on your own and not against him. Be polite and respectful and let him bury himself but do pray that he steps up and takes ownership for your daughter's sake. She deserves a loving father too, help him be one, even if you hate him. Do it for her.

As someone older, I can say that when you are in the moment, it is hard not to react, but I use this. Deep breathe and say "I need to think about that and get back to you." It is hard for people to fight with you if you don't fight. Whenever you speak to him or write something to him, imagine your daughter 16 years old and listening or reading what you've said. This is how I control any situation I'm not happy with. I want her to be proud of me and I want to teach her a better way to interact with people. The best way to do that is to model what you want her to learn.

I hope this isn't too harsh because I am not trying to be judgemental - only helpful and I hope I have shed some insight into some areas. Little girls need loving fathers, it is proven that little girl's self esteem is low with absent or nonexsistant fathers. I know my nephew has been seriously hurt by not having any relationship with his biological dad. My sister gave my nephew her maiden name as a last name. Biological dad has never been around. She met and married a man when my nephew was about 12 months old. This man is the only father he has ever known and yet when he was going to start school they talked about this man adopting him and ny nephew changing his last name to match his moms. He was 4-5 and my nephew said no. He is now 14 and he is hurt that he doesn't know his biological father and he is resentful towards my sister because she refuses to say anything nice about the biological father. He doesn't hate his biological father and at five he thought they were having him choose between the two. So, this is why I state the above. Just something for you to think about.

I'm not sure what state you live in but here in San Antonio, TX a judge would not allow the parental rights to be severed for my granddaughter's father. My daughter wanted his rights severed and the father agreed to do so, but the judge said that since my daughter was not married and did not have a husband to legally adopt, if he severed the biological father's rights then if something happened to my daughter my granddaughter would become a ward of the court because there would no longer be anyone legally responsible for her. (As if I'd let that happen!!) Anyways, just thought you should know so you could check the laws in your state to see if that would hold true there as well. My granddaughter has not seen or heard from her biological father since she was three years old and she is almost 13 now. Child support has been sporadic at best. She has never received a birthday card, Christmas card, Christmas present or anything at all from him. My daughter just married this weekend to a wonderful man who is planning to legally adopt her as soon as they can get it arranged. I am of the opinion that the biological father is the one who is losing in this whole scene - he just doesn't know how much of a blessing he has excluded himself from. My granddaughter is a beautiful wonderful joy and he will never know the wonder of hearing her say "I love you Dad!" Good luck with your situation. It sounds to me as though you are well rid of that SOB. If he is that controlling and self centered now, think what he'd be like in 5 or 10 years! Count your blessings and let him go - he's not worth the time you spend giving him a single thought!

First of all, calm down. A hasty decision won't be a good one. (Seriously, breathe...in ...out....)

Do not let him freak you out or control you with his threats. Don't egg him on, though. Just don't let his actions determine yours, because you are the baby's mother no matter what he does or doesn't do. If he wants to give up his rights, don't try to force him to maintain them; but don't make it easy by preparing the papers for him. Pray on it and trust that your baby will be cared for, no matter what he does. You can't care for her properly if you're not at peace with the decisions that you make or with how she is loved. That doesn't mean that you'll be in control, though, because you only control your own behavior.

That probably didn't help at all. Pray on it. Even if you don't have a traditional belief in God or Christ, you can meditate and seek the answers in the way that works for you.

Take good care.

I do not believe the courts will just allow him to sign away his rights. He is still responsible for child support and medical insurance coverage. You might want to contact an attorney before making any decisions. Best wishes.

N.,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and boy howdy do I understand. This was an issue when I got my divorce and my ex said it out of anger because he didn't want to pay child support or insurance and get his way.

Well needless to say my attorney told me that in order for him to sign away his rights, I would first of all have to agree and then the judge would have to determine if it was in the best interest of the child. The child support and the insurance is not about you or him, it's all about your daughter.

I contacted the attorney general as my attorney advised me to do, to find out how it works if he doesn't pay, and they told me that if I didn't receive a check at least every 30 days to call them and they would step in. They are very back loged so you have to call them to put the ball in motion and stay on top of them. I don't even discuss it with my ex at all BUT if he doesn't pay, I will take action. This is also not a conversation I would even have with the ex. Just tell him it's not an open topic and let it be. He knows what he is supposed to do.

My attorney also instructed me that if he can't discuss with me calmly and in an adult manner in regards to our child to tell him the conversation is over and hang up. I also follow the papers to a T. If it says he gets him at such and such time....well then that is the time. I do not have to bend at all according to my attorney I just have to be reasonable. His example was if the papers say 6pm and he doesn't show up within a couple of hours well that is reasonable and I don't have to allow our child to go. Talk to your attorney and get some advice as well. Good luck

I would call him on it (the parents rights thing). Some people are just way too imature to consider anyone but their own feelings. Money is important, yes, but what is more important is stability and safety for your daughter. My best friend knew her baby's daddy was irrisponsible and gave him the choice when she was pregnant.. be a good daddy to emma or sign over your rights to her and don't bother her (my friend had a bad dad herself and did not want what happened to her to happen to Emma). He gladly signed over his rights to get out of paying child support. It is tough for her being a single mom, but Emma is a happy adjusted 3 year old :).

I know that it is important if you can, to have the dad involved. If you can honestly put your own feelings aside, go to an arbitrator and work out the differences and make sure you are not standing in the way of that relationship by being too controlling yourself or too demanding about doing things "your way" then you should for sure keep daddy involved, especially if he shows signs of changing or seems to really want it... I have been on both sides of the custody thing (my ex had custody of my son when we got divorced.. at first).. and he was such a jerk about letting me see my own son, I could have let that stop my visiting regularly (as many dads do).. he, to this day, is still a combative jerk. I just did not engage him other than to tell him when I was picking him up.. and it worked. When he wanted to start arguinga bout what he was allowed to watch on tv or what he was eating, I didn't response other than to say "I'll see you friday and 6:00".

Just a little insight for you, coming from a lawyer and mother, he still is obligated to pay child support and no judge in this world will give him an overnight stay until the child is 3. You can have this put in papers and there is nothing he can say or do to prevent it, you have to give permission and then he can have her overnight. Another words he has no say so.

Even if he signs over his rights (is he talking about visitation rights?), he is still legally (financially) responsible for her care if he is her biological father. You can take him to court and sever his visitation rights if that's what he's talking about, but DO NOT give back any child support checks. They are not your checks; they belong to your daughter and are to be used for her care, well being, and support.

Keep the child support. He owes her that. The judge will allow him to sign over his rights but he'll still have to pay child support. Tuff world. It is NOT about him. It is about what is best for the child. Good luck but PLEASE do NOT give the money back. That won't solve anything.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this or not but in Texas a parent can't just "sign over their rights." The state requires that a child be supported by two parents. A parent can only sign over their rights if there is someone else to step in, such as a step-parent adopting the child and even then both parties have to agree.

Hopefully you have a court order since if he doesn't abide by that order he can be held in contempt of court, but then again, if you go against it so can you.

Good luck.

Let him sign the papers, he will still have to pay. That just says he wants no part of the decision making process in your child's life. He is using her as a pawn. It sounds as if he is trying to impress the new girl with "what a great dad he is..." Crap that! Your daughter needs a consistent, positive influence, not some boy that wants to play house with his new girlfriend and your daughter. What kind of woman is this person? Soul search and I wish you luck. You are already doing it by yourself...what's the difference? CB

First off, my hat's off to you! It's hard looking after a child all day by yourself with no help because family is out of state---I know what you're going through because I, myself, am in the same situation.
Now regarding the "dad". DON"T under any circumstances give those checks back! They are for your child, not really for you. By giving them back, you'd be denying her. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is probably what he wants you to do considering how immature and irresponsible he is. And his girlfriend has NOTHING to do with him talking to you about your daughter! It's just a game.
I would get the papers for him to sign...but my question is, are his actions really starting to upset your little girl? Does she have pain when he doesn't show when he's supposed to? Does she cry alot? If the answers to these questions are yes, than i think you should consider the rights...do what's in your baby's best interest, because after all, this is all about her, her welfare and her state of mind and wellbeing.
Good luck! And remember, you're a wonderful mother and you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work! :)

Get a court order specifying exactly what days and times he can pick her up... or call his bluff and tell him you have set up an appointment for the two of y'all with an attorney to sign his rights away. You won't be able to make him change and you have to look to what's best for your daughter.

Wow! This guy sounds like a real winner. First, I assume that if he is paying child support regularly you also have a set visitation schedule in place. If not, get one. If he wants to see his daughter outside of this schedule I would say no. I don't think this is unfair or unreasonable given the circumstances. If the visitation schedule does not include overnight stays then he needs to try and get that changed, and if won't then he doesn't get her overnight. He needs to ask his girlfriend to talk to you about your daughter?? Are you serious? Look, you need to put your foot down and not let him walk all over you because it sounds like all he has to do is threaten to give up his rights for you to back down. Set a visitation schedule, stick to it no matter what, and if he doesn't like it he can get a lawyer. I don't see his girlfriend letting that happen. I was a single parent once and my son's dad was no good. But I would always give in to his demands because I felt guilty that I was not married and could not imagine not letting my son have his father in his life no matter how bad he was. Well, I got over it. I think no father is better than a useless one. When my son was 3 I got married and his dad gave up his rights so my husband could legally adopt him. It was the best thing that could have ever happened. If he really cared about his daughter he would not threaten to leave her. Let him sign over his rights. I do know that in Texas he would be hard pressed to sign over his rights if it was not in conjunction with a step-parent adoption. He would still have to pay child support. He wants to play games, make sure you are on the offensive, not the defensive. Of course, ideally, you two can sit down with a moderator and work something out civilly. The best scenario is for your daughter to have two parents in her life that make every decision with her well-being in mind. Sounds like you are playing your part. It almost sounds as if he wants to control you. He has a girlfriend now, let him control her.

I know you may think you are alone. I've been in your shoes. But God is always with you. Focus what little energy you have at the end of the day on establishing a relationship with the Lord. If you don't go to church at least take my advice and listen to some sermons online. www.harvestreno.org/messages.asp is a good place to start. When you start living your life the way God wants you to live it, you will have a sense of peace and a lot fewer problems.

N., I understand your fustrations as I was once in the same type of situation. However, you should seek some legal advice in regards to him signing over he parental rights. As far as I remember, he can sign his rights over all he wants to but that does not release him fGrom his responsibility of paying child support. It is not that easy for him... Unless you don't want him to pay anymore, he will be paying for his child. My husband eventually adopted my boys and it was the best thing that could ever happen. You may want to also consider is it really worth it for him to do this to your child every week, saying he'll show up and then he dosen't..it gets worth when the your child gets older as the child will let his/her anger out on you wanting to blame you as it is easier since you are always around....

Hope you can resolve this.... good luck... A., mother of 3.

Hi N.,
So sorry you are going through this with your daughters father. I speak from experience - My father moved to Florida when I was 9, quit paying child support and has not been a part of my life since. I am 38 years old now and the mother of a 5 year old.

First - DO NOT let him off the hook for child support EVER!!! This is his resonsibility as a father. The money is for your daughter, even if you do not need it now...think of her future..first car, college, wedding, etc. I recommend that you seek legal cousel regarding his inability to follow a custody agreement. Be tough for your little girl's sake, even if is tiresome. Above all, all she needs is the wonderful mother she has!

Best wishes to you,
H.

I would talk to an attorney before you do anything. Stopping child support checks may hurt you at some point in the future. You may not need them now but you never know. Also, a child as young as yours I believe is not required to have overnights away from mom. Maybe in a few years he will grow up and realize what he is missing out on and change for the better. Good luck and get professional advice.

My youngest daughter is preg and the baby's dad is saying that it's not his, so I was reading about signing away parental rights just the other day. From what I understood of the info in the internet, a judge won't let a parent sign away their rights unless the other parent is married to someone that will adopt the child because in essence the judge would be allowing the child to become a "bastard" ~ that was the wording on the info I read. I also read that signing away the rights will only relieve the parent of any child support moving forward but they will still be responsible for any arrearage. Keeping in mind that all states have slightly different laws on the subject. Maybe you can find an inexpensive lawyer that will be able to let you know what each of your rights are our state. I noticed that Amber M. who responded said that she is a judge, maybe she could give you more insight if you email her. Good luck with what ever happens. Hopefully this can all get worked out before your little angel gets old enough to understand what is going on. I will keep you in my prayers.

HI N.,

Let me give you a bit of a wider perspective, if I can. I also have a daughter, now 16, who's father was mostly uninvolved with her upbringing. I raised her alone from age 2 (no family, no help...like you) Her dad rarely, sporadically, saw her. Although I never interfered with his visitation, I operated our lived without his input. I didn't want the arguements or the control games.
My daughter developed serious emotional problems because of this (his absence) despite my strngth, good intentions, and careful loving mothering.
Fathers are crucial for a girls self worth. (I had always heard this and never really internalized it until, after tons of therapy for my daughter, we realized that most of her problems stemmed from her dad's absence)

My advice to you:
If at all possible, engage the dad in a parenting relationship and encourage a relationship between he and his (your)daughter. Try to work out your differences in the parenting area even if you have to compromise. The best thing you could do would be to get some counsling together (because that provides a neutral 3rd party to help you work through disagreements)to try to find ways to parent your daughter together without causing her more harm than necessary. I KNOW (believe me) that this is difficult (if your relationship were easy, you'd probably still be together)...but I wish that I would have tried harder to bring my ex into the parenting role (even though he was extremely difficult and frustrating to deal with). It would have spared my daughter a great deal of pain.

Best of luck to you and your sweet baby,
K

Let me explain the way the courts and the child support office in the state of Texas work.

He is obligate to pay child support - as long as you have an open file. whether he pays weekly, mid month or monthly...

there is also a visitation schedule set up - normally it is the 1st 3rd and 5th weekend of the month. Yes if htere are only 4 weeks in the month it appears to be every other week - However, if there are 5 weeks, then yes he gets the chils two weekends in a row!

But - if his pick up time is 6pm and he is not there by 615 and has not called or gotten in touch with you about being late - you are not required to wait for him. The court will not say a certain amount of time but will tell you to wait a resonable amount of time.

Now - The tricky part to all of this is keeping yourself out of trouble with the courts. So, always write everything down.
Keep notes and I mean in detail. But keep the emotion out of it.

Every time he is suppose to show up and doesnt. Write it down. Write down when he does show up, how long he stays and what was discussed.

Keep in mind though - you can not tell him he can not see his child eve if he does not pay his child support.

But - do call the child support office every week you dont get a payment.... Keep on them.

Speaking from expirience - my ex comes around once every few months. His visits are about 30 m inutes each and only happen once or twice and then he leaves again. his payment history is less than $1000 a year - and I ahve asked him to give up his rights. For my daughters emotional health. his coming and going on his schedule really hurts her and causes separation anxiety. To the point of having to take her to a psychologist....

So - all I can say is do right by you and your daughter. Keep your personal feelings out of it.... If you see it is affecting your chils, talk to her physician and explain everything - get his input and suggestions.

good luck - its not easy - but to know you did what was right for your child - will be rewarded in the end. I get my satisfaction out of watching my girl grow and enjoy life and knowing he is missing it all because he so chooses.

Some things fall under the heading "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Talk to a lawyer because you desperately need to consult an attorney regarding your rights. I can recommend Michelle Folger, Harris County Family Law (I think she can practice in other counties too). her number is ###-###-#### and her website http://www.michellefolger.com/index.html She is great and wonderful to work with.

Several option are here. One is draw up the legal visitation decree, as well as child support (I could not tell by your message if the current child support arrangement was formal through the courts or just an agreement between you two. Keep in mind that he is obligated to pay a minimum of 20% of his salary and it should be coming to you from a payroll deduction from either Harris County or the State of Texas) Once you are out of court, KEEP WRITTEN RECORDS of when Dad picks her up/doesn't pick her up, etc/ Communicate by email - if you talk on the phone and make an agreement followup with an email confirming the agreement. I know this sounds like a hassle however, it will save you in the long run, particularly if this fool comes back at a later date seeking full custody.

Don't you dare give back the child support that you are receiving. That money is to support your child!!!. Whether he pays or not (and whether you keep it or not) there is a legal obligation that he gets to see his child. If you violate this, you will be the one in trouble.

You also do not have to talk to anyone but him regarding your daughter. In fact, don't you dare!!! He can plea ignorance to any and all conversations that you have with "girlfriend/future wife?whatever" and again place you in the hot seat. As far as him seeking "permission" from girlfriend...what a crock!! See 1st comment....

If this fool is willing to give up his parental rights (and you can make it without the child support) call him on it and take his stupid butt back to court.

Either way - again...talk to a lawyer. Know your rights. If thsi guy wants to play games with you - FINE. You need to play to win!!!

If it sounds like that I have been in your shoes, I have and my heart goes out to you!!! Good Luck.

This man really has issues, this is yours and his daughter but he has to ask his girlfriend if he can talk to you about you all daughter. He needs to grow some because this has nothing to do with his girlfriend. I am wondering what she has to say about him not picking up his daughter or staying away from his daughter as he does. If I was you everytime he is suppose to pick your daughter up I wouldn't fuss or anything, becasue that's what he wants you to do . He wants to make it conviente for him whenever he is ready to see her. I am sorry to tell him it doesn't work that way. If he threatens to end his paternity rights let him do that, better now then later. Now she is only a baby if she doesn't see someone for a week or two she probaly will forget him anyway. He not consistant and if he does end his rights that shows you just how of a low down dirty ******* he is. (fill in the blanks) All that negativeness around your baby is not healthy.

N.,
I know it's easier said than done, but try to be the adult in the situation and try to not let him get to you. My suggestion is to not stop taking his child support. #1 Because raising a child only gets more expensive. #2 You never know what situations may come up. I lost my job when my daughter was 6 and had to move back in with my parents because I was determined to prove to my Ex that I did not need him or his help to raise our child. My daughter is now 19 and her father has destroyed any good image she will ever have of him. As she got older, she began to see what kind of person he was.
You can't control him. Just be there for her when he lets her down, because you know it is going to happen. Also, if you stop getting worked up over what he does and act like it doesn't bother you, it shows what a better parent and better person you are!
It is so hard to stand by and watch the most important man in your childs life be the first major example to your child abut how mean, unreliable, insensitive, self centered etc.. that other people can be. Unfortunately, it's a part of life.
Best of luck and hang in there!

Well I would say if he's willing to turn over the rights, call him out on it. Have the papers drawn up and waiting the next time he shows up and start returning the checks unopened. I have the same issues with my daughter's dad. She is 9 now and he doesn't understand why she doesn't want to talk to or spend time with him. He lives life as a professional "con" gigalo and thinks this is ok.

I say go for it and see what he does when you call his bluff.

I give you much praise for everything you do for your child! Bottom line, if he chooses to be in her life, he will be there no matter what. You need to lay down the law to him. Tell him when he can and can't see his daughter. If he does not like it, then that is his problem! You cannot rearrange your life or put your daughter through this for him to act as though he is dad of the year or as though he is doing you a favor. Raising her and spending quality time with her is his responsibility as a father. Your daughter does NOT need to be placed in the hands of this irresponsible and down right smug of a human being. Who is he to be threatening you?? DO NOT give him the time of day when he speaks to you about nonsense. Most of all, you DO NOT give him back the money. This money is your daughters and is for her care. You can choose to not use it and just put it all in a savings account for her. That is your choice. Don't make this easy for him, it's not easy for you! And if this girlfriend of his has any mind at all, she would be telling him to grow up and be responsible. If not, I would not want my daughter around her either!
Let me share with you some advice that my mother gave me one day. She said that when you are nice and sweet, men (and even women) will walk all over you, but when you lay down the law and stop being sweet Ms Nice and act like a B$T$H they will pay attention to your wants and listen and respect you. When I stopped wrapping my world in these relationships, I got my respect.

Hi N., if it gives you any peace and consolation, you are not alone. I have two boys and their dad lives out of town. I don't have much help here and I don't get a break either. The best advice is to pray for him, stay positive, and remember that she will not be a baby for long. He is missing out of the best time of her life. We have the same story and my motto is that it gets greater later. You are doing a great job...unfortunately, you can't make them become men and fathers. Keep the child support because you need it to take care of your daughter. Don't worry about his threats because that's all they are. If he really wanted her, he would be there all the time for her. Finally, you are a strong young woman of God and God will not put more on you than you can bear. Take it day by day and trust Him. He will see you through. It is working for me. God's gonna bless you richly for being a good mother and he will also send you the man of your dreams. You have got to change your focus and keep your mind on positive things. Be Blessed.

Let him sign over his rights. Go ahead, tell him to sign them over. If he's threatening that I question why he's wanting her to stay the night.

Even if you have full custody it should not make a difference in him paying child support. And that might be why he's doing this to you- he wants you to make that choice to cut him out so he doesn't have to pay. But as far as I know, even if he no longer has joint custody he still has to pay. You should look into that further.

S.

I agree with what everyone has said thus far. I love when they threaten the "giving up parental rights." One thing I know for sure is even if he signs over his parental rights, it does not change his child support status. You need to go to court and have the court ORDER child support AND visitation. This is the only way to protect you and your daughter. Make sure you keep every e-mail, text message, make notes every time he decides not to show up for scheduled visits, etc. You need to have every bit of evidence possible when you go into court.

Too bad for him, he can sign away his parentalrights but the courts don't take it lightly when a man doesnt want to support his child financially. So heck yeah let him sign over his rights on making decisions for her but make him pay the support. Do not let him loose on this. If you don't have the money for the lawyer you dont have to use one you go to the Attorney General they will pull his drivers licence for starters if he doesnt pay. If you have anymore questions please keep asking. Don't let him bully you around use the law on yourside. He just made it soooooo easy on you.

Dear N.,

I would certainly not let him out of paying child support. If you can prove he is unfit or have documentation of dates where he was supposed to pick her up and didn't, GREAT. It will come in handy for my suggestion. TAKE HIM BACK TO COURT. Get his visitation schedule ammended. Get supervised, daytime visitation for him. It will have to be a neutral party who would aggree to sit with him durring his scheduled time. Since your daughter is so young, he should not have overnights anyways. Are you breast feeding? That would be another feather in your hat!! I can sympathize, my kids are 20 & 17 and my ex is $30,000.00 + behind and has never carried court ordered insurance. I am Mad as the Devil. In saying that, I made it part of the rules that he must be supervised. Trust me it gets old for them real soon. Don't let him out of his responsibility financialy though. There are 18 long years ahead of you and you will wish you had the extra $$ comming in for her. If you don't need it now, put it in a 529 account for a college savings. I wish you luck. Just because he wants to give up his rights doesn't mean you have to let him. Make him pay and he can just choose not to visit. My son (17) has not seen his dad in just over 16 years. My daughter barely remembers him. My current husband is DAD to them. All my Prayers, B. www.momsNcharge.com

He has to continue to pay support even if he gives up his parental rights. Giving up his rights doesn't give up his responsibility. It sounds like you need to speak to a lawyer. There are several organizations that offer free advice for single moms.

Do what is best for you and your daughter. If that means cutting him out of your life, then get a lawyer and make it permanent. Then I would consider moving near family.

Good luck.

Hi N.,
after reading this I just had to respond. Oh the nerve of him. No one should play games with their children or use them to gain or hurt the other parent. A true father would not scoop that low to make idle threats of "Signing over his rights" just because he can't have things his way. My son's father and I were never married and we have no court ordered child support or state mandated chld support. I preferred it that way because I determined when my son left and how long he was gone, I determined where he went for the holidays and with who, there were no papers making me give him up or letting someone take him over night. My son's father paid me monthly for child care that we agreed upon but would not have anything to do with him until my son asked me this question at 9 years of age;
"mom, why doesn't my dad call me or come to see me?" I responded by telling him that it was not because of him that his dad was not in his life but that his dad had chosen to stay away. I explained that his dad sends me money for support and he asks about how he is doing. It was then that my son told me "mom, I just want to talk to him, I don't need to see him nor do I want money, I just want to talk to him and he better call me soon before it's too late because I am getting older." That shocked me coming from a 9 year old but I passed it on to his dad...that was in August, that following September his dad flew down and they have regular visits every since. My son is now 15 years of age.
Do what is best for your daughter, do not give into idle threats based on his irresponsibility. At this point she is too small and unable to talk so she couldn't relay if she is being mistreated. He shouldn't have to get his girlfriends persmission to talk to you about what is right for you and your child. Granted, out of respect, she should know he is talking to you but when it is about your child there should not be any drama and if it is, then I personally feel you should cut the ties. By all means, please never bad mouth about him to your daughter. As she gets older, help her understand the situation and when done correctly, he will have to explain why he "Signed over his rights1"
Good Luck

Go to court and get either court designated visitation schedule and support, or sue for supervised visitation, or else sue to remove his rights. Just b/c he loses his rights BTW doesn't mean he will be released from the responsibility of support.

N.,
Calling his bluff can go either way so be prepared for either reaction. Definitely seek professional advise, you need to know your rights. Everything you do is for the benefit of your daughter, he should be reminded of that. Raising a child is not a game. Work with the law on your side. His gf has no business getting in the middle, she is completely insignificant in this matter. You two are the parents, he needs to grow a set of balls and have a word with her. Regardless of her feelings, again, she is insignificant in this matter...it's not her child.
I wish you luck...trying to work with an immature boy in an adult world is no fun. He's scared out of his mind and has no idea what he's doing. The proof in that comes from his threats that don't come to pass...they are words to intimidate you. Use your strength and faith to get you through this...you can do it. I commend you on your efforts. Your daughter is a lucky girl.

Hi N., just because he threatens you with giving up his parental rights to your daughter-does not mean he gives up his parental obligation to her unless you ask the court not to persue child support. Heck if it were me I'd say "ok i will have the papers drawn up and you can give up your rights, but your daughter will continue to receive what is rightfully hers. Giving up his rights simply means he will no longer have a say in her upbringing. He can't make any decisions regarding her at all. Don't let him get away with out supporting her. If you don't need the $, put it away in a trust fund for her-but don't let him completely wash his hands of his obligation. I am not sure if you have a court ordered visitation agreement or not, but if you do-it only means he has a right to see her but he can't be forced to unlike paying child support.

N.,

You are in a tough situation; and I can certainly appreciate where you're coming from as I've been there myself. It sounds like you ex definitely has some growing up to do. I would get the termination papers and keep them handy. Next time he threatens you with it, then conveniently take out the papers and hand him a pen. In the meantime, legally, you cannot refuse visitation. However, I would advise you to go back through your child support documentation and follow it to the letter. If he's allowed to have her every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend then I'd allow visits only on those weekends. If your custody papers do not make mention of over-night visits, and you have concerns, I would not hesitate to get a case worker involved. They will require supervised visitation until they are comfortable that there is not a reason for concern. Also, be prepared, summer is here and most custody cases allow the non-custodial parent 4 weeks (usually all of July) of visitation. It may state in your custody papers, as it did in mine, that he must supply you with a written notice of plans that may involve out of town visits. Definitely follow the papers to the letter and make him accountable for everything. He'll either grow up and be the dad you daughter deserves or he'll fold under the pressure and gladly terminate his parental rights. I would not pressure him to do so as he could dig in his heels and make your life miserable. It sounds like his new girlfriend holds all of the cards in that relationship. She has no say in whether or not you and your ex speak to discuss your daughter. If she does, you could raise that concern to the child support department. In an extreme situation, she could be forced to vacate the property for the duration of your daughter's visits. In the meantime, don't forget to make copies of all of the medical visits (shots, meds, etc.) and submit them to your ex, with a delivery notice, for reimbursement...assuming that is also in the custody and child support decree.

Best of luck & remember to stay patient and calm when you interact with your ex.

I am not saying he should sign over his rights but call his bluff. Have the papers and see what he does. He is using that to control you in a way. I know the child needs its father but him always saying that is wrong. He has to respect you and the life you are living and make the plans and follow though. This might make him think about saying that again and maybe sitting down and talking with you instead of at you. Don't know how you feel about his girlfriend but maybe the 3 of you need to sit down and talk about the care of your little girl but maybe this will let him know he is not hurting you but the daughter the 2 of you have together. He likes getting a reaction out of you I don't know if you give him one or not. I am not saying be mean just have a copy and when he says it let him have the paper work and tell him he needs to think about it before he says those words again because it will not hurt you but it may hurt him and the daughter he has.This is just and idea but sometimes when you call peoples bluff they see things a little different maybe he will maybe he won't. I don't know how your relationship is with him and why you are not together anymore. So don't be angry when you do this do it when you are calm and can think and react the right way the Christian way this is not to get him to give up his rights just to make him take a step back and understand you are not going to be put in a corner everytime he comes around. He needs to respect you and know that you are taking care of this little one and that you love her and care about her and that she is not a play toy you can pick and leave when you want... I hope something in this is helpful...N.

Hi N.,
You know, I am no expert but my son's father signed over legal and physical custody and he is still required to pay child support. Even if they are not in the childs life, or are in the childs life fully, they have to pay child support. So even with all his threats of "i'm gonna sign over my rights", if you continue to request child support, you are entitled to it. Just because he doesn't want custody doesn't mean he is not responsible financially for the child, and thats the ways the courts see it. I hope this helps! Good luck!

Dont ever give the child support check back, your daughter is entitled to it.Do not encourage him to sign over his parental
rights, he is just looking for a way not to pay child support or spend time with his child. The court is ther for your daughters protection and to protect her rights. Go see the clerk of courts to fin out how you can ensure he cont. to pay monetary support. you cannot force him to spend time withher,but the court can get him to pay for day care ora sitter to give you a break.A.

N., I was a single parent at 21 with 2 children. I didn't have the help of my family either. When I left their father, he didn't pay anything and only came around once in a great while. Maybe 2 times a year. I tried and begged for him to be there for the kids but he was more concerned with "paying me back" for leaving him so I just cut him out. Since I wasn't getting any money we did struggle but it was so worth it. I didn't have to deal with him and since he was very irresponsible as well, I didn't have to worry about what he was doing with my son and daughter. Or where he had left them so he could go out. Don't think he was as young as i was, he was 9 years older and so immature. According to the court order, there is a specific time he is supposed to pick up your daughter. If he doesn't then you are not obligated to let her go. I understand you want a break but do you even really know what is going on when she is over there? I would be worried about how she is being treated. He seems to be more concerned with what he girlfriend thinks. So if she knows that, she may not treat her very well when she is ther. If I sound over protective, sorry, I am. Now my kids are 16 and almost 18 and their father finally grew up but It is too late. He tried to come into their life (or so he claims) but they are busy with their own lives. He says he isn't going to try very hard because he is afraid of rejection. WHATEVER!!! So he is now seeing that he reaps what he sows! I wish you the best of luck and I hope you decide to move forward. Make a life for you and your daughter. God Bless you. Connie

He's got you where he wants you. He's trying to intimidate you into doing things his way. Visitation is usually covered in the custody/support papers and is set that way to avoid things such as this. He's thinking that the threat of withdrawing monetary support will scare you into doing what he wants but there are people out there that live without a penny of support. Have the papers on hand and the next time he starts with his threats, call his bluff. Hand him the papers and tell him "Fine. Here you go." More than likely, he will leave with the papers but return later with a little better attitude. Besides, any parent that has to get permission to discuss his childs welfare is not really interested in being a parent anyway.

You said it right there he's a "boy". If he really threatens to sign over his rights, let him do it. You don't need this & neither does your child. A parent sometimes makes the mistake of staying w/the other parent "for the child's sake". The child just wants to be accepted & loved & he's not doing this at least not consistantly. It sounds like he's also a bit on the immature side & doesn't want the responsibility. People like that don't need to be raising children until they can totally handle it & commit. Accept the fact that he's immature, irrisponsible (you said that yourself) & not committed to your child so cut your losses & move on. Find a decent MAN to help you & want to be a part of both you & your child's life. Obviously, if you stay with this "boy" as you put it, you & your child will be big time stressed & miserable. Next time he offers to hand over his rights, have the paperwork ready in-hand to sign & just say, well, okay...sign here. If he refuses, do it w/o him knowing it. You don't HAVE to get his signature in most cases like this. If you can proove he's not doing his part, you can usually go before a judge & get it done w/o the 'father' even being there. Check into that if you have to. If he DOES sign it but later trys to back out, sweet talking you realizing what he's lost, tell him too bad, you cannot commit, just accept the fact you wanted to sign your rights away, you did & that's that. You may have to move away...far away to get away from him to start anew if that's what it takes then sometimes you must. Just remind him that he has trouble committing to his child & seems to not want to be a part of the child's life & if that's the case then this is the best way to deal w/it.

Hi N.,
This man/boy is really playing games with you. I don't believe a father can just sign over rights and not pay child support. If it were that easy many men would do it. Hopefully someone on this board really knows what the exact laws are. I don't.
My gut says to call his bluff and next time he says he's going to sign over rights to get his way, just say something like okay you go ahead and try. I don't want to fight with you and if that's what you want go ahead. In the meantime, you have obligations to meet." I suspect he is using this to control you.
This is not an easy situation. Sending you love and light.
Z.
PS Take heart. I was a single mother (family in England!!!) for 14 years starting age 22. It always has a way of working itself out. I do not recommend giving up the child support.