Parents Who Do Too Much for Their Kids...

I hate it, but I tell my son to take pride in his work and the fact he did it himself! He's in kindergarten, and this year and last year I was appalled that at this tender age parents are already committing themselves to doing their child's projects for them (I'm talking intricately painted popsicle built forts all hot-glued together -that type of thing)! Pathetic! My kid's projects look like a 5 year old did them, because one did!

If it will make you feel better. We do not buy cookies (or any other fundraiser item) from the parents. Ever. If a child can say "will you please buy some cookies." We do. Always.

There is a huge difference between doing things for your kids and allowing them to tap your connections though I am not sure that is what happened in your story.

An example, my daughter was selling girl scout cookies. She went to every home in our subdivision, by herself, she developed her sales pitch which was very professional in my opinion, I am her mom, obviously biased. She fell on the ice scraping her chin, tearing her jeans and selling another four boxes to the guy who witnessed it and lent her his phone to call me for first aid. She then went to her father's business and sold cookies and left the forms there. I took the form to my work. Her grandparents bought some when she called.

She sold a lot but she earned it.

Is your daughter aware that you don't help her or that other's over help? I ask only because my kids have been on the opposite end of that. The parents that won't drive their kids around or lift a finger put the blame on us doing all the work when we just helped, instead of accepting they are just too lazy to help. I am sure that isn't the case here but I assure you that hurts too.

i personally feel that we should reward kids for their effort not the results. from a very early age i make sure to praise kids for how hard they were trying or how much work they put into something rather then how well it turned out or what grade/reward they got.

The focus on any project is best kept on learning, doing one's best simply for the joy of it, and accomplishing a satisfying outcome. It's hard to remember that when some potential reward is dangling in the future. It's even hard to remember that when a paycheck is attached to the work we do, and we'll get that paycheck whether we do our very best or not.

But there is a very clean, bright joy in doing the very best we have in us. WE will always have access to that reward, whether others recognize it or not. There may also be secondary rewards for some effort, such as helping to raise enough money for a worthy group project, or even helping someone else anonymously.

I've been producing artwork since I was a young child, purely for the enjoyment and learning it gives me. In adulthood, I have had several gallery showings of my art, with financial reward and plenty of positive comments. And I was amazed to discover that those exterior rewards were disappointing, even though the prospect was exciting. I actually stopped painting for awhile, because I was doing it "for the next show," and not for the sheer joy of doing it. It drained my inspiration.

Don't know if these thoughts will help your daughter or not, but I would still gently coach her to notice the simple but deep satisfaction of excelling simply for the purpose of giving her all to whatever she's doing. It's something I learn over and over, and am always glad when I do.

I feel sorry for those kids who has everything handed to them, that's how I feel. They will never learn to cope with failures and deal with reality well.

When its time for them to look for a job, will that kid have to take his mommy along too on interviews?

When it matters the most, your child will have the skills and abilities to do things for herself, like handling disappointments as well as personal achievements.

We explained to SD that if she didn't do her own work, she wouldn't own her own pride. When she did her own Tower of London project (no suspicious outside help), she knew ALL the info and was so proud of herself. And I was proud for her. She earned every bit of that A.

Kids who don't learn through their own work 1. never know true pride and 2. never learn how to work for a goal. They're the ones thinking they should earn $50K out of college and shouldn't have to flip burgers to buy a car, etc. Your daughter will be better off for doing her own work then relying on you to do everything for her. Tell her you understand, but not to see it as a defeat. There will always be "that guy". But that doesn't mean her efforts don't count. You might also, depending on her age, get her involved in volunteering where she gets to see the fruits of her actions directly - visit a nursing home, for example.

I don't do my kids' projects, but I do provide them the tools to make the best and most legible projects they can. I provide them with a Cricut and cartridges because none of us can draw, write well, or cut a straight line. This gets me out of the equation -- "Mom can you cut this? No, here's the Cricut." I provide them with a sticker machine that makes stickers out of whatever paper they put through it. I provide them with a computer and a printer that only prints black and white. They color whatever pictures they print.
Their projects often look "professional" but they are all their own work. If they ask me to stick a sticker on a poster, I'll do it as long as they tell me where they want it. Usually they do this with larger items as larger items that are crooked are more noticeable.
YMMV
LBC

I've been laughing since we went to first grade presentation where the students read aloud to an audience their reports. Well 60% of the kids couldnt read their reports. One little girl said "I don't know what this word is My mom wrote it" What first grader understood the six syllable words they wrote and tried to read! It was crazy! I would try to explain to your daughter that she did a great job and it's better to be proud of herself then to win something and be ashamed of how she won.

You don't mention how old your daughter is but a trip to an art museum would drive home the point I think. The two of you can look at any painting you point out and what you see is that artist's work. Period. No parent or other person stood over that creative energy. It's hanging on a museum wall in tribute to the artist's talent. The artist created, perhaps in spite of criticism and opposition, a piece of artwork which sprung from a place from deep within his or her being. The end result is a respected piece of art which now hangs on a museum wall.

You should tell your daughter the purpose of any endeavor is the journey not the end result. Sometimes you will make a good grade or win the award or whatever. Other times life will be unfair or someone else will be truly better and your efforts won't be rewarded. BUT your efforts were rewarded by following your heart and your own path. You can’t lower your standards because you weren’t rewarded. You’ll only be cheating yourself. Remember all those paintings on the wall. Bless the Van Goghs and the Picassos and the Michelangelos for following their path as we will have their art forever.

From my own experience I never ever did group study or took old quizzes/exams in college. Every grade I ever made was mine and mine alone. It wasn't always pretty but I could always take pride in what I had accomplished. My path is truly mine alone and no one can take claim over any of it. Now as a professional engineer I can tell you unequivocally I can spot all those group homework folks. The truth comes out in the end in tiny ways.

Almost every group has at least one kid who's parents sell the product at work to several hundred people.
There's no way any kid who does the work on their own is going to be able to compete with that.
Personally, I refuse to pimp my kid for any cause - we do not do fund raisers.
If there's an opt out option where I can write a check to the PTA - then they get 100% of the money I give them instead of %20-%40 of money spent on what ever is being sold and none of our time/effort is wasted.
If my child wants a rubber ducky or what every they are handing out as incentive to sell, Sell, SELL - I can get it for him - that's what Oriental Trading is there for.
Fund raisers are not school work - there is no grade for it.
There are no rules about parents/relatives doing the selling for the kids - it's almost encouraged.
As far as the fund raiser is concerned - the object is to sell/raise money and they do not care how it's done.

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NOTE: I am all for girl scout cookies being sold at work! I love girl scout cookies, and I don't have a lot of sources. It is a boon for those without school-age children, or who don't live in a walkable neighborhood. I am for the child writing a note, or putting in some effort though.

As to "helping" your kid, I think that there's a big difference between giving advice and requested aid in certain areas and what this woman is talking about. You can tell when the parents have just taken over and done the project. And it is sad, more for their kid than yours. That kid basically got told "what you can do is not good enough, you need us to step in and do it for you."

They didn't just cheat the school or the project, they are cheating their own child out of the experience and out of the learning that comes with doing the work on their own. The point of the project isn't to win, it is to gain the skills and learn the information required to do the work. Your child did that and got the full benefit of the project. That child got nothing of any real value.

That said, it is often important for the parents to contribute and help. My co-worker is taking time off work to help his family prepare for a derby where they race these balsa-wood cars. He's helped his kids every year with important parts of the project, for example, anything that involves drills, sharp objects, etc. His kids design the car, paint the car, add effects to the car, but they would be unable to safely do the entire thing by themselves.

Sometimes it is a fine line.

We just ended GS Cookie Sales...As the troop leader it is my responsibility to ensure that the GIRLS sell the cookies...not so much the parents. But we all know that we as parents take the form to work with us.

Here is what I do...

I took a picture of my daughter with her form...stapled it to the form and had her write a note on it...she said "What should I write?"..."that is up to you!"...mind you she is in first grade so I said "you can write about wanting to go camping with the money you earn, skating, bowling, help the animals, recycling..."

Then I had her sit down and make the phone calls her self to family and friends. She contacted them, she spoke with and she wrote down their orders...

Together we sold 247 boxes of cookies. (I will admit there were times where when delivering cookies, somone would see them and purchase from me...she wasn't able to do it herself). I can't send her house to house, but I do encourage her to do it herself.

I also required that if parents took the forms to work that they write the same/similar note...

My question here is, do you know for a fact the parent did all the work? Cause it would appear from the outside looking in that I did all the work selling 247 boxes...but I didn't!

Just a thought! I do get what you are saying though...because parents who do all the work are in my eyes not teaching their kids some basic skills.

I also saw the other end of it with parents who didn't want to be bothered but signed up to sell...Kept bringing me back cookies until finally it was over. What I'm saying here is that if parents don't help their kids then some kids don't learn either.

You just tell her life isn't fair and that she will have a sense of accomplishment and pride that those other kids won't have and that's worth more than any prize. She may not fully understand it now, but as she gets older and a situation arises, these words will ring in her head and she'll understand.

I know exactly what you mean though. I love helping my grandchildren with special projects and they love having me help. My oldest grandson advises all of his younger siblings of how much he has enjoyed doing projects with grandma and they all look forward to their turn. It does my heart good to hear him say things like that; I never really knew that he liked it so much. What great memories those are!

Back to the point, I see those kids come in with their parent-done projects and I simply pay them no attention. I focus all my attention on my child's project, beeming with pride and patting him/her on the back the entire time!

It's a part of life and something she will have to accept in one way form or fashion - as we all have in our lives. You cannot 'make' her understand or explain her deflation away. It will just be a lesson learned...your daughter will be so much better off than those that are spoiled. She's lucky you don't do the projects for her. Good going mom!

My kids must do their own work, though I will help them think things through or push them to think of additional things they can do. For fundraisers, kids are encouraged to enlist relatives' help by the school. I have no problem asking coworkers if they want to buy chocolate or similar but my kids better be busting their butts as well. I do not like it when someone gets a special prize for selling more than anyone else. Tiered prizes, are okay by me. But the most, no. In my kids' school, the class that sells the most or brings in the most box tops (doing that now and I probably have over 1000) seems fair enough since a group effort.

This happens with my friend's daughter.
It is irritating.
And that same other girl, always gets chosen for 'awards' per 'her' projects.
Short of lambasting the entire school and its parents, nothing much can be done.
Or, you speak to the person in charge of the so called award, and ask them how projects are chosen for such awards.

And, then, even if you say so, how can the parent then prove, that a child's project was done by the parent and not the child?
If it was, their Teacher, should call them on it.

No it does not seem fair.

Per my friend and her daughter that this has happened to... well her daughter knows darn well, that SHE put in good effort for her project and is personally proud of it. So that is all that matters to her. But yes, her daughter does know it is not fair. But her daughter also knows, that that child or parent, is just not doing the right thing. And since she knows that, she can even more so, be proud of her work, because SHE did it... with her own mind and imagination without help.
And that is enough for her.

Sure, some parents do do their kids' projects.
I see that too at my kids' school. And yes, their Teacher tells me, that she does know. And she reminds parents, that the CHILD needs to do the work, and it needs to be their idea. But the parent can assist.... only by assisting. Not doing it. There is a difference.

But some kids, just do really nice work.

Haven't read your answers yet - good question. I have never done a project for my now 12 year old daughter. We learned early on that a lot of parents do the work - so sad. Those parents are robbing their children of the satisfaction of doing a good job and EARNING a grade. Believe me, teachers know when a child got a little too much help.

Having said that, I absolutely provide my daughter with everything she needs to complete the project. I'm the crazy Mom who Googled and found plastic lobsters for a project a while back. I will take a trip to the craft store (or two) if needed. I help my daughter brainstorm ideas once in a while. Most of the time, she has a good idea and I just help her gather materials to execute it. In the long run, you are doing the right thing for your child - but you knew that already.

Some things never change. I was that girl that went around from door to door in my neighborhood, and sold to a few of my relatives. I worked really hard for a few years, but could only sell about 70 boxes. My Mom was a SAHM, and Dad did not believe in taking the form to work for me. I still remember a big Girl Scout awards banquet. All the parents were invited, and they brought the top seller up on stage and proceeded to give a big speech about how wonderful she is for selling 300+ boxes of cookies. The rest of us did not get recognized. I still don't know what the heck we were selling them for, and what difference it made if we sold 5 boxes or 500.

When my girls were in girl scouts for a few years, thank goodness their troop leaders were very low key on sales goals. It was up to each girl individually to do as much or as little with the cookie sale as they wanted to do. No one was made to feel pressured. They didn't have a leader-specified goal, and would never have asked us to front money.

It seems to me that the cookie sale thing quickly becomes something many leaders and Moms get so personally competitive and wrapped up in, it becomes dysfunctional. I think most girls burn out of this activity after a year or two. I do know that it IS optional for girls to participate. If your troop leader is going to be all hard-nosed about selling and selling a certain amount, I would question whether or not this troop is a good fit.

I just want to say that I did girl scouts 1 year. both of my parents worked, and neither of them set the cookie order form in their break room. However, they each took me to their office and I spoke to their coworkers and sold cookies that way.

As an adult, I never have and never will order girl scout cookies from a parent, nor will I buy them when they sell them at the grocery store (because those boxes were bought by the parent to sell that way.

I support the girls who are putting out the effort, because that is the point!! I hope that when my girls are old enough for scouting, other adults will support their efforts by buying cookies from the scouts, not the scouting parents!

I help the kids sell more by getting my friends to buy stuff or make donations. I think it is part of the whole parenting thing. I think you should be helping in some instances. If it is something like a science project they always show on TV then of course she should do most of the work but it's a parents job to be active and participate in these things. If you don't want to them I think it might be better if you check the NO box on the permission form to do these activities.

It drives me crazy, too. We just went through our first GS Cookie sales and my daughter and I walked our neighborhood for 3 hours going door to door. My husband and I work out of the house so do not have offices to bring the form in to. There are girls in her troop that sold more boxes, but didn't go door to door at all. I don't think it is wrong to help out your child when it is a fundraiser, as long as they do the majority of the work. If we had offices to sell to, I would have brought in the form, b/c I know she made an effort going door to door herself. I did bring her form to a couple of my groups (i.e. Bible study and my morning workout group) but she had to write thank you's to each person she didn't personally ask.
As far as school work, I think the kid should do the work (with minimal input from parents as needed.) It wasn't assigned to the parent. And, I think it is obvious to the teacher when the child does not do their own work. And, your daughter will be so much more prepared for the real world then the kids that don't have to put in the work, so kudos to you and your daughter!