Parents Who Don't Reciprocate Play Dates

Don't take it personally. All relationships are different. My house is usually the big hangout house for all the kids. However, my older son has a friend who we rarely have over. The reason? Because my younger boy and this friend do not get along. They are so mean to each other and I refuse to have to deal with these issues. So, to avoid them, my older son goes to this kid's house instead. It works out so much better. I will even fork out cash to the mom to take the boys out on an outing. My son also has another close friend who we have over all the time because my son is terrified of their big dogs so he refuses to go to his house. So, you see, you are not alone. This is common:)

tons of possible reasons. i have no clue what hers are.
just doesn't seem like a big deal to me. it's nice to have a trusted friend take a child occasionally, but for the most part i was just as happy to have the kids play at my house anyway.
never seemed important enough to keep score.
khairete
S.

My suggestion - quit keeping score. If it is a problem having him over or it is a burden to you, just stop.

I do not worry about who invited whom last when planning playdates.

ETA: I thought of a logical reason that your son may not be invited over. I do not host a lot of playdates. When I do, I ask my daughter whom she wishes to invite over. Even though she may have been invited to a friend's house recently, she will almost always invite a different friend that she hasn't played with in a while. This has nothing to do with the way I feel about the child or how she does for that matter. I don't keep a scorecard and I haven't taught my child to either. And when she does have a friend over I don't worry about them reciprocating. I do what I can do when I can do it.

We don't have playdates at our house very often. It's small, so there's not a lot of room to play, whereas most of my friends with kids have separate playrooms and good sized yards. And for another, having other people's kids around really stresses out my husband. He had a panic attack at my Grandma's at Christmas with all of my nephews and my cousin's kids in the house. My friends understand and don't seem to mind hosting, usually when I start to feel especially guilty for not reciprocating (which my friends have all assured me that I don't need to worry about) I try to organize a picnic at the park or a playdate at a fast food restaurant's play place if the weather isn't good.

In the case of this mom, it seems weird to me that she mentions having other kids over but not yours. I don't know what her deal is.

I don't invite kids over here for play dates. The house is too small for our 4 cats, 3 kids and 2 adults. Don't need to add anymore people to the mix. A lot of my kids' friends are allergic to cats or have someone in their family that is allergic which doesn't really help. My husband works from home and can have odd hours, not the usual 9-5. I can't have a house full of screaming kids and we have no yard to send them out into either.
And, quite frankly, having other kids in my house stresses me out. I just don't like it. Unless at least one of their parents stays as well I can't handle it.
There is an age gap between my 3 as well so there is not always commonality and then I have one or two kids whining because the other is doing something and they aren't.
I would rather go out somewhere.
I would let it drop and stop keeping score. If you don't want the little boy to come over so much then don't invite him. If you don't mind then keep inviting him so your son can play with him.

Could be several reasons:
Too many kids in her house stresses her out.
Your son misbehaves at her house.
Your son is too "mature" for her son (in her mind).
She is introverted and wants her family time to be just her family.
She has enough of her own kids, and doesn't want extra (that would be my excuse).

You can't begin to imagine what her reasons are, so don't worry yourself trying to. Just let the kids enjoy their time at your house, and be done with it. I'm guessing the reason isn't likely anything bad, maybe just an oversight. However, if your child is a bit more rambunctious than hers, maybe she'd rather them be crazy at your place :)

Have you ever seen her house or has your son described it to you? I didn't have playdates when I was a kid because #1 my other was mentally ill and #2 my house was very dirty and messy. I was very thankful that I could always have play dates with my friends at their houses and their parents never expected mine to reciprocate. Actually, we were all pretty much latch key children, so none of our parents really knew what we were up to.

If your son enjoys playing with this boy, let the boy come over -- as long as it isn't too much work for you. I never expect reciprocal play dates. It just doesn't matter to me. But you probably shouldn't waste any time wondering what her reasons are for not reciprocating. At least you know that when her son is playing at your house, both boys are safe.

One of my sons friends has his sick, elderly grandparents living with him, and can't really have a bunch of kids running around. Another just never seems to have friends over to his house, I don't know why. There are a couple who just really prefer to play at our house, maybe because we have more video games, or they want to get away from their siblings. I don't worry about it because I really don't mind having the kids come here. My son has one friend who we don't invite over for playdates because of the level of supervision the mother insists on (he can't even play in the yard unsupervised), and another who is just so annoying and wants me to entertain him.

So, you are saying that she tells you when she has other kids over, but your son is never invited over? It's hard to say why, could be any number of reasons. You say that your son often asks for this friend to come to your house. Maybe her son never asks her to invite your kid over. Maybe the other kids who come to her house are neighbor kids who just ring the doorbell, not organized playdates.
You don't mention the age of your son, I'm guessing younger elementary age?
Some people don't like to have people over, for various reasons - their house is messy, they work from home, their spouse works nights and sleeps during the day, health issues, napping baby/'toddler, extended family living with them.
When my youngest was maybe 10-11, he had a friend who we invited over here several times. In the course of a year, he might have come over 5 or 6 times. His mom was very nice and always thanked us for having J over, but never once was my son invited to their house to play. I assumed that there must have been some reason, although I did not know what it was, but since the boys enjoyed spending time together, I continued to let my son invite this boy over.

Don't know. I never did tit for tat. I had four kids all a year apart. Holy cow, I would have gone crazy.

We rarely have play dates at our house for many reasons. Our home is crowded and we don't have a good play space. We are in the midst of some home projects.

We have a busy schedule between my part-time work, volunteer work, committees I'm on, hubby's schedule, and kids' schedules. When we have a weekend, we appreciate having down time with out anything extra.

With the age difference in our kids someone seems to always get left out and we just don't have the space for both kids to have someone here at the same time.

Having a playdate can be stressful for some folks even if the kids are good. I have a friend who deals with an anxiety disorder. She just doesn't have playdates at her house because it can trigger attacks.

Maybe the reason the other mom has playdates with other kids is because she is also close friends with the other mom and it is a social time for her as well.

Did something happen at her house when your son was there that has made her hesitant to have him over again? My daughter has a friend who I do like a lot. But, I don't like how she uses "potty talk" (fart, poop, butt) continually even when I ask her to stop. She has an older brother who has influenced how she talks (telling my 4 year old son that she is sexier than he is). She can also "talk down" to my kids at times ("You like THAT? I think that is dumb."). She's overall a nice little girl and not a problem to have around, but there are some things that irritate me. I don't particularly like having her at my house. But, it also isn't something that I think is a big enough deal to say something to her mom. I just really limit how often she comes to our house.

There can be a lot of reasons why someone might not reciprocate a playdate.

I have 2 kids who are now in 2nd grade and 6th grade.
I had always had their friends over since they were toddlers.
I have never "expected" reciprocated play dates.
Whether someone reciprocates play dates, is up to them.
I don't expect it.
I also do not have play dates for my kids, in order to then have them get invited over to anyone's house.
I have play dates for my kids, at our house, because I chose to and I do it for my kids.
My kids have best friends, who's parents have never invited kids over. For years.
So what.
It really does not affect me personally, and it does not affect my kids either. My kids do NOT expect, it either, that the other parents reciprocate. My kids do not take it "personally" either. They have their own sense of self and they don't keep score.
Some parents invite kids over, some do not. For whatever reason.
I really don't care.
My daughter, has had a friend since 2nd grade. Her parents have NEVER ever, had kids over to their home. So what. We don't take it personally. They are nice other than that. Their home is small and cluttered and not prone to "guests." So what.
And my kids never invited themselves to other people's homes.
Some kids do. Some don't.
Some put other parents on the spot. Some don't .
My kids don't.
They have friends, they can come over here.
No biggie.
I never, EXPECT, that the other parents or families, do the SAME as me or my kids.
But we are all, friends. And know each other well.
No biggie.

And, some parents, just do not or cannot, handle having kids over. They are not the "Host" type.
So what.
No biggie.

I agree with a lot of others... Maybe their lifestyle doesn't allow for play dates. My husband works nights & sleeps days, so having extra kids & noise in the house doesn't work well. We try to do " outings" with my sons friends when we can but it takes more planning & expense at times.

Ask her. That's a lot of playdates on your side of the equation, to the one playdate on her side.

My view is that you are her babysitter. If you ask her why the kids have always ended up at your house except once, then you put her on the spot and she has to think of something to say, other than "because I don't want to pay for a babysitter." Whatever excuse she uses, counter it with saying that it would be nice for her to reciprocate. What day is best this week for your son to go to her house?

Face this head-on.

The short answer is, you have play dates with this child when you want to host. For whatever reason, your son isn't invited over often and you may never know why. If you don't want to host, you can tell the kids, "Well, here's the thing. I have x to do so you can't play here. If you can play there, let me talk to his mom about a timeframe." If that doesn't work out, then no play time that day with that child.

One of SD's friends had (we later came to find out) a somewhat chaotic household and eventually her parents divorced. So we hosted a lot and when we couldn't host, we presented it as I mentioned above. Not every day is a good hosting day, even if you don't mind doing it.

I don't see you as taking score. I see it as unthoughtful of her. If she has a real reason, she should tell you.

People have all sorts of reasons for this type of thing.And we may never know. I do not know how old your son is, so if they are the younger of the children perhaps mom doesn't want the other kids picking on them. Personally I always liked it when a child was at my house because then I didn't have to stop what I was doing to run out and get them. Try to not worry, there are so many quirky people out there while we are raising our children. I remember a woman who would drop her son off a lot and I thought one day we were going to get together and go out with our children together. she came over in a car with another woman and dropped her son off so they could go out for a spa day or something. Was I ever upset. Anyway, time passed and it doesn't matter much anymore. If you think that isn't fair think about all the times you go to someone's house and they never come to yours. I think about that sometimes and that too can be annoying.

I think you just have to do what works for you.... and then, let it go.
If you like having this little guy over, then keep inviting him. If it doesn't work for you, then don't worry about it. It will also be good for your son if you encourage him to expand his horizons and invite other kids he plays with at school, too.

For what it's worth, I've been in a similar situation when Kiddo was in preschool-- he really liked a little boy, we invited the boy over a handful of times, and the family showed no interest in supporting the friendship. While I was pretty disappointed at the time, in the big picture? Kids friendships are so fleeting while they are young, try not to get emotionally drawn into things being fair or equal for your boy, okay? I know it can be hard, but try not to hold onto this. Do what works for you and then, let it go. It will be healthier for both you and your son.