Party Ideas? - Aurora,IL

I think it's strange. I don't even know when my parents' anniversary IS. That feels like something that is just for the two of them, not something the whole world celebrates.

Whoa! I hope my parents dont get mad about this! We didnt celebrate their 25th either. Im going to call her tomorrow and see if shes mad at me!

I kind of agree with you. I don't send anniversary cards to anyone unless its a biggie (25th, 40th, 50th etc) and my siblings and I organised a party for my parents not because it was expected but because we wanted too. That being said that is the norm in my rather large extended family. So I would have been upset too. :-(

Anything less than a biggie to me is a celebration between the couple themselves. JMHO

I disagree with you. If I understand you correctly, you think it's okay not to acknowledge your daughter's anniversary, but expect her to acknowledge yours? It doesn't work that way. She is your daughter. How can you not acknowledge her anniversary? I completely understand where your daughter is coming from.

Oh, those expectations sure do cause a lot of misery. I'm sure your daughter is happy her parents have a successful marriage, but it's your special day, not hers.

I have a very hard time connecting with calendars in a meaningful way, and I know this disappoints one of my sisters on her birthday. But her scolding, 'Eeyore' reactions over many years have not improved my memory. And when I do come through, I feel that it's under duress, not because I am cheerfully remembering her. It's not a pleasure, it's an obligation. I'd never want to do that to anybody.

A few years ago, both hubby and I forgot it was our anniversary until my daughter called to wish us a happy one. We were having a happy one! Of course we both felt a bit sheepish, but every day is special in this relationship (29 years and counting!). I am always sweetly surprised that she even remembers, and that makes it even better.

Feelings are feelings, and if you feel hurt, then that's what you feel. But if you have a choice, DO NOT FEEL HURT! Why go there if you have the option of happiness? Honestly, letting go of expectations is a happy way to live. A demanded or expected gift / card / party / phone call / remembrance isn't really joyfully given, so I have a hard time understanding how it could be joyfully received.

Well, my parents are divorced and my hubby's father passed away. But every year on what would have been their anniversary, we give my MIL flowers.

I do have to say though, my parents always acknowledge and celebrate our anniversary too.

I don't understand the double standard I guess. You are upset that they didn't throw you a party for your anniversary, but you don't even acknowledge her anniversary??

You taught her that anniversaries were no bg deal by not acknowledging hers.
Did your hubby ever take her out and make a huge fuss over you on the anniversary while she was growing up?
Does she get birthdays, Mother's Day and Father Day cards? Have you made it tradition to go overboard to make sure when she was growing up that she knew without a doubt that these days were to be acknowledged?

My mom is not a huge anniversary doer. She recognizes mine and my sister's with a card, sometimes. She also will send a bday card, although always late, usually it has a little cash in it. I am not a huge card person. I am usually late, though I do buy them. I still have all the Christmas cards form this year in a box.

My hubbys; mom sends us a St Patty's day card, a Valentine's Day card, a New Year's Card. She never misses a birthday with gifts and or a check or any Hallmark card day and is always on time. So my hubby is much more anal about his family's birthdays and special days than I am about mine.

If you want her to recognize you start recognizing her. She is right on this one.

Happy Anniversary! Quarter of a Century!

I do not get my pleasure from others, that way I am never disappointed.

There is no rule that a child has to give their parents a 25th anniversary party. It would have been nice to get a card or a call, but she told you why she didn't think it was a big deal. Maybe she is correct, she did not think anniversaries are important because you never acknowledge hers,.

There are no rules about any of this. Just because your parents never gave you cards for your anniversary, does not mean you could not give them to your only child for hers.

I would move on and make each other happy. Give when you want to give, let others give to you when they want to give. If it really bothers you, speak up about it. No one can read your mind.

I would be hurt. The 25th is special. My husband and i could not afford to throw anything lavish for my parents. We were about 26 years old...lol! We did have the whole family here at the house and had a really nice party for them though. My mom does give us a card on our anniversary. Sometimes with 25 bucks in it :)

Gosh...I think it's really unfair to have the unspoken expectations on her. If you don't do anything for her, how is she supposed to know you expect it? Why do you expect this from her, at all? She is your daughter, not your personal celebration planner. She has a life and possible family to take care of. You aren't "wrong" for feeling hurt, but it's very unrealistic and petty.

I would not expect my children to host a lavish party on my account for any reason. They simply cannot relate. I was expected to do those sort of things from my parents and I resented them for it. I know my mother expects a lavish retirement party this June because she already told us to! Arggg! I have a toddler and infant in daycare and a child in private school. I don't have a money tree in my back yard. To answer your question I ask that you please choose your battles. We only get one chance to make the best of our lives! Tell her you love her no matter what :)

She has a good point and I have to agree with her, you are a hypocrite. It is very selfish of a parent to have expectations of their adult children for things that are not equally acknowledged. In other words, it is selfish of you too expect her to acknowledge your anniversary just because you think she should, all the while you don't acknowledge hers. I still get upset my mother doesn't send me mother's day cards or even acknowledges it to me. I really thought once I had kids it would create a bond that we did not have prior, but unfortunately that did not happen. My maternal grandmother (whom I am not close to) thinks it is all of her kids and g-kids responsibility to contact her. Therefore, she doesn't here from me much since I have so much more going on than she does.... sounds like your family experience is not her family experience and your thoughts of traditional expectations are outdated.

Yes, you're wrong to feel hurt on a number of levels.

First, you need to be clear about what you expectations are. I'd imagine that she wasn't a key part of planning the 25th anniversary for your parents, it probably didn't occur to her then that you were paying for it, if she as even born at that time... which is why you need to tell her ahead of time or flat out ask if she was planning to do a party. My in-laws always send anniversary cards to us. I think it's sweet and really appreciate it (they are no longer married).

Also, if your daughter is in her mid thirties and you've only been married for 25 years, then is your husband a step father? Were you not married for a while after you had her? Either way, I think it's great that you've been married so long but she might feel differently if it wasn't a step situation or if you did things in a more "traditional" way (i.e. get married --> have kids --> kids throw party for parents at key anniversaries).

It's hard to explain but no matter how close the child is to the step-parent, the marriage is more personal to the parents. The children are less a part of that union and the celebrations of milestones are more special to the couple as opposed to a family celebration (children being a product of that union). Does that make sense?

Honestly, she's obviously not feeling the love. Maybe that's something you should talk about instead of hurt-feelings.

**Updated** If her bio dad died, maybe this is a painful thing? Have you considered that? It sounds like she and your husband have a good relationship and that he feels like her father...but the truth is that nobody can ease the pain of losing a parent--my father died when I was young and no matter how happy I am to have my mom around and happy for the special events I celebrate with her, I still have pain from missing my father. Maybe your anniversary is more pain than revelry for her. Bittersweet and too much so to want to remember for 25+ years. I can understand that your husband is upset because it's the anniversary of him joining the family and that was an important thing for him. Perhaps if you explain it to her that way, and explain to him why she might be steering clear you can clear the air.

And by the way "step" father is not a dirty word, or ugly implication.

You may think that she's moved on from losing her bio-dad. I guarantee you she hasn't. Kids who grow up with wonderful adoptive parents still have a longing to connect with birth parents. It's almost innate. It doesn't diminish the role the adoptive parents play or their importance. They are always "mom" & "dad". We still celebrate "birthdays", not "adoption days" (well, in some families, maybe).

I'm sorry that you don't seem happy with the answers you've gotten but try to take some time to digest everything and see if you can come up with a different perspective.

Maybe your daughter couldn't afford anything lavish.. however, a get together at the house would be nice... I would do that for my parents if they were married... my mom however, took my husband and I out to dinner for our 8yr anniversary... (we were having financially difficulties and couldn't do anything for ours so mom helped).. personally, I feel anniversaries are for my husband and I and no one else needs to comment on it until we reach a big milestone like our 50th or so and even then, I don't expect it.

What's done is done... I say get over it and learn from it. In this case, I'd start acknowledging her anniversaries. My parents do for me, and from the first time they sent us a card and gift for our anniversary, I was very touched. It showed me that they really value and support working at a positive marriage.

My parents also acknowledge my anniversary. Quite honestly, in my opinion, I feel you are being a little childish. Sure it would have been nice of her to acknowledge it, its something you should be proud of and understandable to be hurt that she didn't. But to expect it of her is silly. And certainly not something you or your husband should get mad at her about.
Her response was definitely spiteful, but it was probably because she felt defensive. If she sat there and thought about it a few weeks ahead of time that she wasn't going to acknowledge it because you guys don't acknowledge hers, then that is also childish.

I consider my anniversary a private day of commemorating our wedding date--just between my husband and me. I don't expect anyone else to acknowledge it. I forgot my mom and stepfather's 10th anniversary several years ago and felt bad about it but when I apologized to my mother that's exactly what she said--she doesn't expect other people to make a big deal out of what she considers a private thing between the husband and wife. I know it's nice to celebrate the big ones--that's a lot of fun, but I wouldn't take it personally. And congratulations on 25 years together!

For the record: My parents acknowledge our anniversary. Any both of my brothers' as well.

Honestly, it sounds like there is more going on here, than you seem to either a) be aware of, or b) are willing to acknowledge. Sounds like your daughter has some "issues" with either you or your anniversary or the fact that you ignore hers. She was what, 10 (?) when you got married? Did you marry her dad or is this a step-parent situation? You seem to want "traditional", but doesn't sound like you've "done" "traditional" in the past. Sounds like she has some issues with what you DID do. Is she an only child? Maybe she doesn't like feeling like she is obligated to carry the "burden" of arranging your 25th celebration all on her own. Maybe she thinks that waiting 10 years (?) to get married means you didn't think it was that important?
I'm just tossing out possibilities here, not trying to judge. But it really sounds like there is more to this with your daughter than you say.

After your What Happened: It may also be something of a matter of accident. She is an only child. In families with multiple kids, they probably end up talking to each other about the upcoming "big" anniversary, and end up discussing "what are you doing?" "Well, what do YOU want to do?", etc and it ends up turning into some sort of a plan. That's what happened with us... I think I was about 19 at the time. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have just occurred to me. Being an only child, that situation obviously didn't happen and it may not have occurred to her.

I love my parents, but I never, ever remembered their anniversary. I usually tried to send a cad or do something nice for them when I remembered though. My dad died a few months before their 25th. But, my mom and in-laws usually send us a card on our anniversary. It's hit or miss and it's not every year, never expected but always thoughtful on years they do send us something.

And really, I agree... you don't acknowledge her anniversary, so why expect her to acknowledge yours? She has a point.... It's very one sided to think that only one generation should respect the anniversary of another. I agree though, on a milestone anniversary, I would be hurt to a degree if no one thought to offer a small token of congrats.

Our parents always acknowledge our anniversary.

Happy Anniversary! Twenty-five years is definitely something that should be acknowledged!

I guess I feel a little differently than many posters here. Although something extravagant and large is a bit much, recognition of the event isn't, especially since she's married herself and probably has an understanding of what an accomplishment it is to wake up next to the same person every day, year after year and choose to keep doing it. I think her response was a little too mean spirited.

On the other hand, I think we frequently have expectations about which we need to do a better job communicating. Set yourself and your daughter up to succeed -- be clear about what you want and expect (though I admit it's kind of hard to say "I want you to call on our annivesary.")

Families! Can't live with them, and yet we live for them...

I have one, my mother in law was mad at me the year after my father in law passed away and I did not send the usual anniversary card. I did not know what to say, why would I? I thought she would not want to be reminded for one and he wasn't here for two, I guess I could never do anything right in her eyes and we have been married 33 years!

We send cards to our son and DIL too every year and they send them to us.

Wow, well her response was so spiteful.

So sorry.
That is really not nice.

Well, I understand you feeling hurt, but I also understand her feeling hurt, although maybe getting back at you by not acknowledging your anniversary wasn't the most mature way to handle it, I understand her being hurt as well. I think you should BOTH celebrate BOTH of your anniversaries. Not that it has to be something big, but a card, a phone call ...something....on BOTH sides. I would not expect my Mom to send me a card or throw a party on my and my husband's anniversary, but sometimes I do get a card and I have always gotten a call on or near the date just wishing us well and acknowledging that they remembered me, and I have always returned that sentiment on their anniversary even though some years they have even been estranged and it felt odd (which was right around their 25th oddly enough).

If it bothers you talk to her and let her know that in the future that type of thing does matter to you. But really, it's YOUR anniversary not hers. Why should she remember it?

I think you are over reacting to Expect your daughter to acknowledge your anniversary.

I'm with S H on this one. Your daughter's response was disrespectful and rude. Why didn't she just say 'oh mom, i've been so busy lately and it just slipped my mind - happy anniversary. I'm sorry I forgot.'
But that's not what you got and I can understand why you are hurt.
The hypocrite comment was really unneccessary.

Maybe she felt really crappy for forgetting and got defensive to make herself feel better. It's a normal human response. If she didn't acknowledge it on purpose, then there is a deeper issue here.

Perhaps next time you talk to her kind of laugh it off and ask her in a fun way to put it on her calendar so she doesn't forget next year. She's your daughter and you need to keep communication open. Tell her you'll put her anniversary on your calendar too.

b.t.w. Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to you!!

In our family we really do not celebrate our anniversary much and others are a toast or phone call (if that) which sounds kinda similar to you guys, however, 25'th is a big deal. If she saw what you did for your parents I think it would be nice for a call or card at least so I do not blame you for being a little hurt. I think I would be hurt as well. A 25'th is different then your average anniversary. 25'th is a life milestone...so yes I agree with you. I would just do my best to get over it. Good Luck don't let it come between you and move on...I guess it is just disappointing!

Updated

Happy Anniversary to you!!

In our family we really do not celebrate our anniversary much and others are a toast or phone call (if that) which sounds kinda similar to you guys, however, 25'th is a big deal. If she saw what you did for your parents I think it would be nice for a call or card at least so I do not blame you for being a little hurt. I think I would be hurt as well. A 25'th is different then your average anniversary. 25'th is a life milestone...so yes I agree with you. I would just do my best to get over it. Good Luck don't let it come between you and move on...I guess it is just disappointing!

Frankly, I think it's more appropriate that you acknowledge HER anniversary as you were THERE (or alive) for it...whereas she most likely wasn't alive for your wedding/anniversary. It's your daughter, for goodness sake...My kids probably don't even know when my anniversary is, and who cares!!!

I would feel hurt and disappointed if my grown son did not acknowledge a special event such as a 25th anniversary in some way. I think it was selfish and thoughtless. Acknowledging special occasions go both ways, it doesn't have to be a big deal all the time, but I think a 25th anniversary is a milestone that deserves a celebration. Since you told your daughter that you didn't want a party, I sincerely hope that you and your husband did something real special.

Blessings......

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T.

My 10 year old step daughter just turned 10. She's wanted to do the same few things for the past few years. I don't know what your budget is, but ours are always pretty modest. She has had a friend spend the weekend (Friday and Saturday night). We go out to dinner Friday night to wherever they want to go. Saturday, I fix them breakfast and took them to get pedicures. Then we do something Saturday evening like a movie or bowling. She has also had a roller skating party.
If you have at your home, you could always have someone do their hair/ makeup or manicures/ pedicures. They could watch a movie and make ice cream sundaes. I think anything you do is a wonderful gesture of how much you care about your granddaughter!