Paying for a Friend and Her Family-would You Be Ok with It Once or Twice a Year?

As long as you are clearly giving in joyous anticipation of having them join you, then I think it's great. Like you, I grew up poor and most of my early motherhood was spent on the edge of poverty. I happily accepted free rides, too, as long as there were no strings attached. Now I'm poor but not desperate, and I am happy to treat younger, poorer friends or their kids to an occasional treat.

if i couldn't afford it, and a GOOD friend of mine was doing this for me, i would be so appreciative and accepting, esp. if the 'gift' was for kids.

I have a hard time with it because I'm a hypocrite :)

I used to have quite a lot of money (before getting married and having my son, I had a very lucrative job... so much so that when I quit I didn't have to work for a couple years... all of this before I even met my husband. I can't go back to my old job because it would mean I'd only get to see my son once or twice a year.), and would bring friends along with me places because I WANTED them there, and money didn't mean anything. What was important to me was having my friends with me. I wanted to go, and I wanted them with me.

Shoe on the other foot, money has been very very tight for quite some time... and I have a very difficult time accepting others who feel the same way as I did / want to do for me what I used to do for other people.

Like I said. I'm a hypocrite. It gave me great joy to have my friends with me, and I know that's where my (new) friends are coming from when they invite me... but it's hard.

I suspect that money will continue to be tight, until I learn how to be more gracious. ;)

Can I be your friend? :)

I think it's wonderful to be gracious to friends.
I'm a single mom, but when I was married and had money, I helped my friends as much as I could. Heck, I helped their moms.
I'm a single mom and we struggle sometimes. I have a friend who comes to visit and she always takes us out to dinner and the movies when she's here. She buys her favorite shampoos and things and "forgets" it....meaning she left it for me. It's very sweet of her.
My family planned a huge reunion/memorial service for my dad who passed away, plus a cousin's wedding was thrown in. My uncle paid for my sister and I to go because he knew we couldn't otherwise. My sister isn't broke, but she was still paying off her trip for when she went back to take care of my dad before he died.
We all had the best time and as much as my sister and I were thankful, everyone said if my uncle hadn't paid, they would have chipped in to make it happen....that it wouldn't have been the same without us.

If you want a crowd of people around you for something, paying for it if you can is a way of insuring a great time. Lots of people are struggling right now or low on funds so passing on an invitation because you can't afford it happens.

I think this is a great idea and so nice that you are including others in some fun. I hope you have a great time!
Best wishes!

I do not think anyone will feel weird about it, it is a gift, from you to them. Just go and have fun :)

It is very generous and thoughtful. We have a friend who is always so giving and helps us out a lot. He won't accept anything in return, when we try and return the favor, he always one-ups us. It actually makes us feel bad, like we are using him even though we truly aren't. We are eternally grateful, but we would like to show our thankfulness to him but he won't allow it. If these families try and get you a drink or take you out to dinner as a thank you or something... let them :)

Everyone else had great advice as well, just be upfront that there are no strings attached and that you are paying their way b/c you truly want to share the day with them, and don't make it an all the time habit, otherwise they may feel bad about it later, and don't always bring it up that you pay for them.

That's very generous of you.

I would keep the invitations random, and not frequent, unless your inviting just the kids, and then you could get away with including the other parent(s) as chaparones. If food is included with the admission, I assume there is some type of card that people get. I would just hand each person their card, and those of who they are responsible for and leave it at that.

We had a lovely arrangement with some friends to exchange babysitting time while the othr couple went to the movies and such. after the babies grew up a little and were bored at home we got more elaborate but we never did fancy things because we live on one income. they lived in two incomes and had extra to spend so they invited my daughter to the circus with them. I said ok no problem, after I went online I realized the tickets were $120!!!! I was so thankful they invited her, we could have never paid those tickets.
They had a lovely time together and my daughter has the memories forever.
I wasn't offended one bit only grateful, of course this was a one time thing; I don't think I could get used to it being something regular but just for special ocassions.
Another time, we took a different friend's child to the movies and dinner(with her parent's permission of course). I love having extra kids to share our outings and I know her parents were struggling at the moment, they were very happy we took the time and effort to take her out for a whole afternoon.

Just go and enjoy your day, I think your friends would be more excited and grateful than anything else since it's a special ocassion. If it becomes the norm I can see how they might feel in debt towards you but once in awhile I don't see any problem.

I've been in the recipient of gifts for dinners and activities and I didn't feel weird. It's very generous of you to do that for your friends. I'm sure they appreciate it and you'll have lots of fun.

I see not problem with that whatsoever! That's what friends are for and I truly believe in "sharing the wealth".

I dont thik its anything to be worried about. I have on ocasion paid for a friend and her kids to do something with us that I know they wouldnt normally be able to afford to do. Just make sure you dont do it all the time with people you are not really close to. It can get akward the one time you invite and they need to pay for themselves, thats why I usually just do it for close firends where if I have to say something I feel open enough to do so. Oh and my friends were always seemed to be really happy to join in, they were never insulted. Plus its good karma for you :)

It is tickets you have and you paid for. If the tickets go unused, then they are a waste.

If you present it in a way where it is clear there are no strings, I think someone would be gracious to join you, especially if it is something they can't normally do.

We have treated families for things and never expect something in return. For instnace, our country club has a fantastic 4th of July for the members and guests of the members. Every year, we have some teens join our daughter and we invite friends to go because it is very special. It can get weird because country clubs don't take cash or credit..... all bills are paid for my the member. We just say, "tonight is on us, we want everyone to enjoy it", and our guests have always been very gracious and understood. We know on July 4 we will have a huge tab to pay when the bill comes in. It is just a part of it and we enjoy having friends experience the show.

Also, we have treated a few of my daughter's friends on vacations with us so daughter could have a companion. This includes everything except what the teen might bring to spend on goodies to take home. (Airfare, food, lodging, etc) We've done this for the last 5 yrs on Spring Break. Once, a family gave us $100 to take everyone to dinner, 3 times the family sent a truly heartfelt thank you note that was very special. We are glad these girls were able to go spend the time with us.

I think your friends will accept graciously when you present this to them. Best wishes, and have fun!

I think it depends on how often you are paying for stuff , if it is for a special day out with several families then yes ok , but if it was a regular occurance like your walking past starbucks and you buy her coffee , or your at the playground and decided to head to McDonalds and you pay for that , then that would make me uncomfortable. You could try and help out in less obvious ways like hnading down kids clothes or toys that are no longer used/needed.

Ihave been a single mom and had it tight for a long while. if you already had the tickets I wouldnt feel as if I owe you . if not I would turn you down. once in a while its great but if you do it to often it gets humiliating even though your not meaning it that way. it is like saying you cant take care of yourself. now if you invited us over for dinner I wouldnt feel obligated or humiliated.

I think that you are very generous but after a while it may start to feel really one sided. Accepting an ocassional free meal is different than having my tickets and food taken care of every time I accept an invitation. If your friends are appreciative of you and invite you to their house for dinner or something then okay.

if someone said "oh i have the tickets and have to use them" then i'd feel good. if it was "i paid for them already" i'd feel obligated to pay.

As long as you arent expecting anything in return you sound like a great person to have in the neighborhood. It's harder for men to say "yes" to things like this because they don't think like we do, but I'm sure the moms are all into it. For the men it might make them think they arent able to keep up with the Jones'es. I'm not quite sure how to handle that part, that would be up to your husband to make the other men not feel bad for what they will consider "a handout".

Hi I.,
I think it's great that you think of others and treat them if you can. I'm sorta the same. My husband makes a decent income and I love to treat people. I also never expect anything in return, I just like to do things with people and I know they wouldn't do it themselves because they don't have any money. It's funny your husband should say that, my husband says the same as well. I guess we have to consider where they are coming from as providers. They want to earn their living and don't want things given to them, so they just assume the same of other families. I'd also imagine it's hard be on the accepting end of a gift as a male.
I don't think I would worry about it. I'm sure your friends are grateful for your friendship and your generous spirit, and just accept that that is who you are.

Wow, can I be your friend too? You are very generous, but I think that the reaction would depend on your friendship. If the friendship is such that it allows you to talk to your friend and tell her how you really want to do these things, and realize that most people would have to say no due to the cost, but that you are able to cover it so that they can come with you, they may take it better. If you know that they really can't afford much, but they want to do something to "make up" for it, allow it, but try to direct it. If they want to take you out to dinner, suggest a dinner at their house instead, maybe even a potluck.

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Wow, can I be your friend too? You are very generous, but I think that the reaction would depend on your friendship. If the friendship is such that it allows you to talk to your friend and tell her how you really want to do these things, and realize that most people would have to say no due to the cost, but that you are able to cover it so that they can come with you, they may take it better. If you know that they really can't afford much, but they want to do something to "make up" for it, allow it, but try to direct it. If they want to take you out to dinner, suggest a dinner at their house instead, maybe even a potluck.

I would be very careful. It isn't hard to offend people these days with the economy. I would simply say that you were in the right place at the right time and got a sweet deal and got caught up in the moment and bought them. Try not to do it too often. People will eventually catch on and you don't want them to be hurt. You are very generous and I think personally it is admiral of you to want to share since you do know how difficult times can be. Remember people do have pride. I personally would not accept your generous offer but having said that it is who I am. Good luck.

L.

I think that it's great to be generous, but I know myself that we have learned to swallow our pride and if a child is given money when they come with us somewhere we allow them to spend that money, within reason.

Within the group of friends that I have we all take turns covering the cost of things, but depending on what it is & how many children you're talking, it can run into a small fortune at times so we do try to keep things pretty even.

There have been times that the money a child has come out with us with has gone towards the candy the children gets at the movies or a game at the boardwalk - it certainly isn't going in our pockets because by the time the days is over they are usually empty! Too bad we don't live closer, I'm sure we'd have a blast!

We have a summer home and I have paid for airline tickets to get my kid's friends there. I put it as a favor to me (it truly is!) because otherwise I will have to entertain those teenagers on my own! To a kids activity, no problem. Your kids are dying to share whatever with their friends and mom and dad just wouldnt be as fun. It is a little trickier with just adults but sometimes you can great tickets and it's fun to share. My husband has his own company so sometimes I put it as "the company bought the tickets-now someone has to use them." or "Could you come for me, otherwise my husband wants to invite his -ugh-mother to come?" Or just "We got these tickets, please come."
We have the money to do stuff but we have friends with more. So sometimes it evens out, sometimes not. My daughter has been to more plays than I have because one of her good friend's family has season tickets to the theater. She's polite and always has a dress ready to go-so she is frequently a last minute filler! I have another friend with no money but she has a farm that she has taken us all to-it's just a wonderful retreat and for her an easy way to do something special for the cost of a tank of gas.
Personally I think the best way to spend money is to share it with occasions and events. Things don't last but memories do!
Good luck. (And I will be your friend if your other friends feel awkward! Invite me!)

I have treated friends to different events, but not b/c we have more money (kind of demeaning, don't you think?). We attend a charity event each year and purchase an extra pair of tickets for a couple that we really enjoy. It's pricey, but they have us for dinner several times a year and it's our "thank you". The first year, they asked how much we owed them and my husband's response was something like "after last month's dinner, we probably still owe you!" and left it at that.

The way you are phrasing this whole situation makes me uncomfortable. Offering to have your friends join you is wonderful, but please don't mention the $$$.

If they ask to repay you (and insist), have something in mind... watch the kids so you and hubby can Christmas shop, bring dessert next time they come over, have you over for pizza and beer.

It's all in how you present it and if you are presenting it like you are here, then your husband is right. This isn't a "free meal", you're inviting your favorite families to go do something fun together. Focus on the activity, not the funding.

If someone mentions that they wish they could repay you somehow, or comments that they could never repay you and you can see that it is hard for them to receive the gift then just smile and say something like, "Oh, I would love some of those chocolate chip cookies you make." Some people just really have a hard time not returning a favor.

Good Morning I.,
You sound like a wonderful friend. I divorced 2 years ago and just recently lost my job & had to move to Houston, to find work and get on my feet. I have wonderful friends as well and they have all helped in one way or another. I have always paid my own way so at first it was difficult for me not to feel like a charity case. I was always the one on the end helping my friends & now it is the other way around. One day my girlfriend explained that her family loves being around us and they know that times are just hard and they expected nothing in return. I am so blessed as are your friends.

My only advice is to be as nonchalant as possible. If you offer to take them somewhere and you're treating, simply say that. "It's my treat" And then don't mention again, Don't make it a point that you are paying, or ever bring attention to the fact that they have less money!

Actually I think it its so nice of you to invite them. We do treat others as well. It makes us feel good to treat. We get treated also so I think its just fine.

you sound like a very sweeeeet person! just watch out that others dont use your kindness! i have a friend who always insists on paying for everything even though she knows i could. she likes to, she says it makes her feel good to do something nice. theres nothing wrong with showing your friends a good time, just watch out that they dont start expecting it. And kuddos for you for being such a nice, caring, and sharring person! not many left out there.

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you sound like a very sweeeeet person! just watch out that others dont use your kindness! i have a friend who always insists on paying for everything even though she knows i could. she likes to, she says it makes her feel good to do something nice. theres nothing wrong with showing your friends a good time, just watch out that they dont start expecting it. And kuddos for you for being such a nice, caring, and sharring person! not many left out there.

I have done this. I have had this done for me. Just don't talk about paying their way & it's all good.

I think it is very generous of you to do this- and yes, it is fun to be able to do stuff like that for others. But sometimes, being the "others" is hard- and it's hard to accept more than one or two offers like that. If there is anyway you could do things like that without them knowing- I think it would be great. Also, don't brush off their gratitude- however they express it and make sure that if they invite you over- you are able to come. Sometimes it's the only way one has to reciprocate kindness.
We have a very kind hearted neighbor who mowed our lawn for us this summer. I'm pregnant, my husband has been working long hours and we live on almost an acre. All I have to mow with is a little push mower- and it gets the job done- it just takes a couple of days to do it! Well, he came over with his huge riding mower and had it done in an hour. I made his family some cookies and made sure I had something cold for him to drink- but after the third time- I really felt uncomfortable! Not that I wasn't grateful for his help- it really saved me a lot of trouble and worry, but I felt(and my husband too) like I couldn't even take care of my own yard! I know that wasn't his intention at all. He was just doing this for us because he knew we needed the help- but I still feel really awkward about him coming over to mow my lawn when I can't even afford to pay him! so do be careful on how often you do stuff like that for others- even with the best of intentions, it can feel like they can't even take care of their family.
Good luck!
~C.

It's how you present it. If you say "I have extra tickets" that sounds different than "I am paying for you".

I just wouldn't assume someone doesn't have more or less money. There are people out here that do have money and live modestly. (Below their means) I've met a lot of people like this and they can basically buy whatever, they just don't. Just don't assume, is my advice....

We have an only child and prefer to take another child because it is easier and much more fun for my child.

Generally, it's generous and kind, and you should always find an opportunity to do it. With some people, though, you might cripple their efforts and desires to do for themselves. Be sure not to create a dependency on you to always come through.