Personal, Intimate Time with Hubby...

I am with you. My husband is often in the mood whereas I need a lot of convincing. He is out and about on his own at his job and I am either working from home or taking care of the kids. I don't know why he doesn't understand that those things don't put me in the mood. ;) What works best for me is a time when i know the kids won't be calling for me (another mood killer) and also putting on something pretty. It changes the mood and gets you out of the mom mind set for a bit. Date nights are also a great help if you can get time for one.

Here is my advice, as a wife and mother of three expecting number four that is also a married SAHM.

Take care of yourself. **Make sure you're taking time for you. Don't take this wrong, I am a SAHM Mom too.. but make sure you're showering, brushing your teeth, brushing your hair everyday, doing things that make you feel good about you. I'm not a huge make-up wearer, but whatever it is that makes you feel pretty. Make sure you're making the time for those steps. I know as a Mom I've had those days where I get in the shower and realize it's been longer then I would like to admit.

Get enough sleep **Take naps, ask hubby to take kid duty one weekend morning every week and SLEEP IN. A rested woman is going to be less worn out and more pumped for intimacy.

Eat right** Make sure your diet is well balanced and fairly healthy -- poor nutrition can sabotage sex drive.

Keep intimacy alive in other ways that build desire **Make time for other forms of intimacy... get some cuddling, a foot massage, a full body massage. Things that stir your engine. Make time for date nights so you guys can enjoy each other.

Have sex. **I don't know if this is how you are.. but with sex - the more I have the more I want. Sometimes if I just get the ball rolling, it seems to increase my libido. So, starting something when I am not 100% feeling it means that usually by midway I am fulling engaged... the next time I am more interested.. the next time I tackle my husband.

Get creative **Consider some fun at non-traditional times. If you're worn out after the kids go to bed.. call him when the kids are at school, down for naps, watching Sesame street (not sure the ages of your kids - whatever is age appropriate).. tell him to come home for a "quickie" or a "nooner".. It will drive your husband crazy, and be some fun for both of you. :)

Good luck!

I'm on the other side of the question. I'm a husband.

Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and follow it. It will give you a new perspective. Its written about 75% for women and 25% for men. (That's because men tend to be more focused. Read the book. You'll understand.)

My wife and I went on a cruise where the Spa offered a class on couples massage. It was an eye opener for me. It was absolutely wonderful. When my wife was too tired (exhausted?) or not in the mood or both for intimacy my giving her a massage often made a huge difference. Besides, I enjoyed giving her a massage. ;)

My daughters and some daughters in law have arranged with friends to trade babysitting. They may watch two friends kids in exchange for them watching her kids. It makes for one busy night when she has her kids, and two friends kids, but its really nice when she has two nights free and can have a date night with her hubby. They also have a play group where six or so mothers get together with similar aged kids. The moms have a chance for adult conversation. The kids are off playing with others their own age. This gives the moms a chance to NOT be their kids playmates and allows the moms to relax a little. Another big plus: when the kids get together in a play group, they are constantly running, climbing, chasing, playing, etc. The kids get a lot of exercise! When its time to go, they tend to all take a nap and that gives mom a chance for a nap too! ;D

And from this husband's perspective, "A model needs perfect lighting, professional make up, and designer clothes to look as good as the average woman does to the man that loves her."

BTW, if your husband now buys hs lunch, talk him into brown bagging it. If you take the $5 to $7 per day he spends on lunch and vending machine drinks and put it in a "Crusing jar", by the end of the year you'll have saved enough to pay for a 7 day cruise for two. I recommend Princess Cruise lines. (They were the host of the "Love Boat" tv series. hint hint ;) )

Your feelings are completely normal. I am a sahm with boys just a year older than both of yours and I'm pretty tired at night, too. I read an article once that said marriages go through lots of changes over a lifetime and raising children was a time when all marriages can get a bit challenging because of differences of opinions and the time it takes away from being with your spouse, but not to worry about it as long as you love one another, communicate your wants and needs, and continue to work on your relationship, your marriage will come out fine and be a model to your children. As they get older, your kids won't need the 2 of you so much and you'll have more time for each other. Please don't feel bad, that just causes more stress on you which makes you even more tired. Talk with your husband and find a plan that works for both of you. Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. Good luck!!

I have told my hubs a 1,000 times maybe I would be in the mood quicker if the 1st time you walk in the house to kiss me hello it's not an instant grab to the boobs & butt. I have other areas that if you were a little gentler and rubbed my arms, nuzzled my neck etc, instead of going right for it, it makes me feel less groped and more desired. When he "thinks" and does that the reaction from me is more favorable. This is not a SAHM question as one mom said. All the working moms are just as exhausted and our minds are racing constatntly so to answer your other question: Heck no you are NOT alone!!!!

Ask your hubby if he can give you a half-hour right before the kids' bedtime to let you take a long hot shower or bath without worry about the kids needing you. You'd be amazed how much such a simple thing can change the mindset. Maybe you could slip your arms around his neck, press up against him, give him a long kiss and then tell him something like this,

"Honey, I know you're in the mood a lot more often than I am these days and it bothers me that I can't seem to switch from mom back to woman very easily at the end of the day for you. I think a half-hour to myself right before the kids go to bed would really help. It would allow me to get centered and re-focused on us. Would you be willing to help me carve out that time for myself each night?"

I'm willing to bet that he'll jump at the chance to help you focus on being intimate with him. lol! Also, don't be afraid to show your affection for each other in front of the kids. They need to grow up knowing that their parents love each other. A common phrase heard in our house is "gross, mom and dad are kissing again!" but they're always smiling and laughing when they say it. :) My husband and I flirt with each other all day in little ways that we can slip in during less hectic moments, like I call him at work sometimes to ask him if he had fun last night/this morning; that always gets his mind going and mine as well. This keeps us both on a slow burn so we're both ready and willing come bedtime.

The most important thing is just going to be finding what helps you switch gears. Best of luck!

You are soooo normal, and not alone! I have kids similar ages, four and 20 mos. I've found that having time to myself really helps. Every Thursday evening (and more often if I need it) I go out with a girlfriend for dinner, go shopping alone, get my nails done, go to the gym... whatever I feel like. It helps to remind me that I am a person with my own feelings, not just a SAHM that takes care of everyone else. It also makes me appreciate my husband just a little bit more for taking responsibility for the kids, dinner, bath time, etc. Nothing like having someone else to the chores to get you in the mood!

Even if your not in the MOOD. Just go with it and the mood comes on quickly. Your husband loves you and wants to be with you intimately. Your husband needs your attention also....its a great stress relief and you will sleep like a baby after! Its not just for him you will enjoy yourself tooooo! Go for it mamma!!

Honestly, I would go along with it any time as long as you can (unless you are really doing something, you are going to fall asleep, dinner is burning, the kids are unsupervised--it is awful when they wake up and tackle the world alone and you're otherwise engaged, etc.). I haven't had this since we usually have just found any few minutes we can since having kids--but sometimes that means five minutes in the bedroom before the kids wake up from naps, or staying up later. You could plan things ahead, have him put the kids to bed (if they are up when he gets home) and let you soak in the tub for a while, relax, etc. Have some wine if you drink. Our bodies sometimes wear themselves out in "mommy mode."

My husband and I both work, but he's always worked evenings, so by the time he gets home I'm pretty wiped out, too. Sometimes you just need things to be quick so you can both get to sleep, then take more time when you find it. Women also need lots of foreplay (not just groping!), so remind him that he has to work a little harder for it. I have also found that my body is so different after kids and my ob/gyn recommended different lubricants, which we usually use whether I think I need it or not. Sometimes I "want" to but my body is not cooperating.

I think we will always be a little off at those moments--one ear is open for the kids, or your brain is remembering that the stove is on. One idea for being too tired for intimacy, especially if you go to bed first (I usually do since I get up earlier for work) is to fall asleep in something a little more...insubstantial. Sometimes by the time you're awake you are more than ready and it can be really nice because you've already gotten a bit of sleep. You could also make your next "date" a stay home date. I've always thought this was a great idea but have never pulled it off, but have someone watch the kids away from home and just head straight back home. Those are more case-by-case solutions, but overall I am generally more "in the mood" when I exercise regularly (I feel like I look better which makes me feel better overall). Good luck...

You are tired, been touched, handled all day by your kids, you have met your kids needs all day and your mind wants to just relax and have time for you. Having your hubby with his needs and the guilt that not doing your part to help him is going to distance your love life or relationship makes it harder. Maybe tell your husband to hold the kids, let you take a refreshing moment, a bath or whatever and then check back with you when done. One of two things will happen after that, you will either end up sleeping or he will help himself, lol...just making light of the situation, but you are normal and it's hard when your energy has been pooped! Not only that when he does that at that time you feel more like an object than his wife.

woa that is SO not just a sahm mom question! lol! after working a gruelling 40 hrs per week and THEN coming home each night and being "on the clock" until bedtime, yup, i get exhausted too! the key i have found is to meet him halfway even when i (often!) don't feel like it. he's pretty good at changing my mind if i just give him an opportunity. ;) also, my husband and i work basically opposite shifts (me m-f days, him nights and weekends), so i have given him free reign to "wake me up" at night when he gets home. sometimes i grumble in my mind, but it's worth it. lol! (another couple tips - yes - lubrication! sometimes our bodies take longer than we'd like to "warm up", when we just want to get the job done - there's nothing wrong with that occasionally. and also - don't expect to feel like a newlywed ever again. sorry! marriage takes work, and this is one of those areas that takes nurturing and care to thrive. your sex may not be like it was when you were first together, but it can become richer and fuller and even working to find time to do it can make you teammates and co-conspirators and strengthen your relationship. good luck!)

I'm so glad I"m not the only one that feels like this! Oprah had a sex therapist on a couple weeks ago (I have also seen her on Dr. Oz); she said it's difficult woment to 'switch' from mom to wife! I can't remember everything else she said but she make alot of sense. I know it's hard for me to 'switch' roles. I do feel bad for my husband. He's frustrated, I'm frustrated. I'm working on it. I"m also reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." I love Dr. Laura! She makes alot of sense, too.

I have not yet figured this out because we have four kids ages 7-14 and I work with kids all day. At the end, I am tired and ready for bed because I have to leave my house at 6:45 am and get home many times after 7 pm!

Its just nice to hear I am not alone!

There is a book I am reading called Emotional Fitness For Intimacy. Its at the library,. These things I have time for!

i agree with daisy... i'm tired, taking care of a 2.5 yr and 15 m old and who feels sexy in the middle of that? BUT... my husband was here before my kids, he has needs, and once we get started, i enjoy it as well. luckily it only takes us 8 mins to get there (if you know what i mean) but the intimacy is important in a relationship. go for it once in awhile, even if you don't feel like it. like doctor oz says... 1x a week is good but 2x week will add years to your life! :)

Things have been so much better for me since everyone has stopped "pawing" at me. First its the kids (pick me up! wipe my nose! let me grab your shirt/pants/bra, etc). Then the husband! Sheesh. I was always like "could everyone please get their hands off me!" I'm just not a very touchy person like that. Now that the kids are a little older (my clingier one is 5) that has helped a lot. And I've found that I'm much more receptive if my husband can tell me that he'd like to have sex with words, rather than touches (at first, of course! ha!) It just gives me a little personal space to get in the mood. I just hated that feeling that my body belonged to three other people. A little personal autonomy goes a long way in my book. (PS - if you can figure out what words really turn you on, it's even better! Tell your husband to use those - or send an email or a text. You'll be ready when he comes home...) Good luck.

It can just be a hormonal/fatigue thing. Many women suffer from it. Try to get 8 hours of sleep at night. Another thing to try is an herbal supplement called dong quaii. It is prescribed by holistic practitioners for the very reason you described. It helps you get your groove back.
Surprise him every once in a while. You may not feel like it at first, but it will help you get your "spark" back! Plant a big kiss on him when he's not suspecting, and pull him into the laundry room and shut the door! I remember reading a man's blog about one time he and his wife had company over for dinner, his wife asked him to help her in the kitchen with bringing food out. When he got in there, she gave him a very passionate kiss and handed him a basket of rolls, and walked out to the company. He said he never had had a longer wait for people to leave! Way to light his fire!
Try little things like that, try the supplements. You'll get your groove back! And you will have a very happy hubby!

I have been having the same problem...my daughter is 6 months old, and I still don't feel like I did before I had her...I miss the crazy sex drive that came with pregnancy hormones...but not the throwing up part since it ruins the mood.:)

Talk to your husband and find something that turns his head or turns him on that you can do that won't take a lot of effort on your part, but will tell him you are thinking about him and that he matters. For instance, my husband loves it when I wear lipstick. We have made a "game" out of it, where I will call him from the store and ask if I can buy a new one, or tell him that I'm looking at them and what does he think about this color or that. If he's in a really adverturous mood, I take him with me to the make up aisle and let him pick what he would like to try. Whenever I want to let him know that I am thinking about him, I put some on. Sometimes I do it in front of him, and sometimes I don't...but its turned into a pretty great game, where I get interested in the idea of playing with him because I know that I am doing something for him that no one else is or can.

Maybe your guy likes perfume, or a certain bra, or a low cut shirt, or mascara, but talk to him and find one thing that you can do easily that will be a noverbal cue to him that you are thinking about him, and knowing that you have his attention is like long lasting foreplay that takes very little effort.

Also, try giving the kids to someone once every week so that you can have some down time. My sister is a SAHM of 2 teens and she misses the baby stage, so she takes my daughter one afternoon a week which gives me my alone, non-mommy time to just be me. If you can find someway to do this, I think it will really help you feel better about yourself. Its hard to want to play and be intimate when you have already given everything you have to the kids. This way you can regroup so that you will have more to give to your husband.

I hope this can help in some way. Its hard, and you are not alone, but with a little effort to take care of yourself, you can get back being the "fun" girl you want to be. Good luck!

You're definitely not alone! I think just about every mom I know feels this way. I felt so guilty because I really just wanted my husband NOT to touch me because I was being grabbed at all day by children that I just wanted to be left alone. That, I realized, hurt his feelings, and I tried to be more intimate by giving more hugs, more kisses, etc.

Now, at the end of the day I'm pratically passing out...but I've discovered if we get into bed a little earlier than usual then we'll have time and energy. Or lately, we actually have a lot of morning sex because we've both been rested. So timing may be a factor for you guys---just figure out when you have a free moment and seize it. Even if you're not in the mood...kindof make yourself try to at least do it. I say this because...you ever go thru a dryspell? Well, the longer you don't have it...the easier it is to not have it.

I noticed the more often we have sex and are intimate...the more I want to and I find the time. :)

Anyhow- being a SAHM is stressful and exhausting. You do have ALOT on your mind. But personally...nothing is better than being intimate with your husband to distract you from all that stuff and enjoying that moment.

Also, on a side note- maybe go buy some sexy lingerie or get your nails done. Do something to make yourself feel better or sexier....that may help too.

I think your main problem is getting into the 'mood' i have the exact same problem. Stress and work and everything else happening in life just gets in the way and clouds out your emotions for love. (our 7m son even sleeps in the same room as us, so its harder) if you are able to, try taking a nap during the day? and if you want to get really into it, try toys, or even watching something that would spike your arousal. i know being tired and wanting to sleep really seems like its over powering, but i felt that having sex right before sleeping makes that nights sleep so much more blissful. but i also found that morning sex is great too. if you have the time, try having waking up by having sex. (ie. touching each other, and slowly waking up into a fondling and eventually into sex) i wouldnt know how that would help you, esp if your children like to come into your room in the morning...maybe if its early enough.
this problem isnt just you, trust me. if youre on birth control, i have heard that some will actually lower your sex drive. but it could a phase and you'll eventually be in the mood once again.