I am a single mom who just started to dating again after 6yrs of leaving my husband. My son is 5.5 now and in those 6yrs of being single, i never had the desire to date for a lot of reasons. Recently in July I started to get back into the dating scene. Met four men and three of them didn't work out after the first meeting. The fourth man I met was an instant connection and we immediately hit it off. During our second lunch date he told me why he wasn't married.
He stated he was in a 15yr affair with a married woman when he was 21, now 36, she was older (30's). It has been a year since they broke it off due to the husband being told by his wife. In the year they broke it off, my boyfriend dated here and there. Nothing serious.
He met me and was very happy and we have continued dating. He told me up front during our talks that he is still friends with the woman he had an affair with and is very close to her family and kids (she has older kids now). I appreciated the honesty and it never bothered me.
Then a week into us dating he calls me one morning before work to ask if we can talk before I go to work, there is something he needs to speak with me about. Long story short, the woman he had an affair flipped out because of me (he told her he was very happy with me). She told my boyfriend she is packing her bags and leaving her husband. She ended up showing up at his door that very evening. When we met for lunch that day, he told me he still feels very strongly about her and would welcome her back into his life if that is what he decides. He asked me for some time to work through this.
I acknowledged and gave him space to work through this. In the end he sent her home to care for her husband and family. Apparently her husband is ill with Cancer. He wished to continue our relationship as he wanted to end that chapter of his life and have a real meaningful relationship with someone.
We spoke about everything and he asked me to be patient with him and work with him as he helps her through this. He feels very strong about remaining friends with her to support her through this rough time with her husband. He stated to me, if he cuts her off completely, she will end up back as his door step, so he hopes that if he remains friends, over time she will let this all pass and leave our relationship alone in the event he breaks it off with her.
I trust my boyfriend he is being honest with me. He even offered to read her text messages to show me the type of conversations they have. I addressed my concerns with him about how he isn't emotionally committed to me still being her friend. And he will never be if she is still in the picture, considering they have a very strong emotional and sexual bond with each other. He asked her several times to leave her husband, because he was very much in love with her. He tells me that window of opportunity is passed and they missed it.
I am a confident person, not jealous and trust people until they break my trust. Feel if one is honest, i would hope they will continue to be. Recently she asked to meet him for lunch for his birthday. At first he said no, she cried and ranted at him that he is not being a friend. He gave in and met with her several days later. They had lunch and went thrift shopping.
Now i have read a few texts (to see if he is lying, and found he deletes old convos' - without my bf knowledge) where she expressed that she misses him, and he acknowledged he missed her as well. On several occasions my bf told me about certain texts received from her (about the one meeting him for lunch). It brought several questions up from me to see if he would tell me about certain texts i read. Most of the time he was being upfront about them. Then i stated i feel she may be disrespecting our relationship. He asked how, i said maybe by reminiscing bout their time together or sending him pictures (which she sent a pic of her breasts - saying "the girls miss you"). He didn't acknowledge this and actually said no.
Then recently i read a text from her stating in march after her husband's chemo that she will leave her husband because she is not happy and is much more happier with my bf and they have this amazing strong bond and connection. His reaction was "i am not dealing with this right now." - thats all that i recall.
In this situation....would you continue dealing with this? Would you allow your bf to remains friends with a woman he was with for 15yrs? How would you handle this? Am I wasting my time?
Thank you EVERYONE for your opinion/advice, as I greatly appreciate everyone's response. Initially my first thought was to run the other way. As a lot of you suggested VERY CLEARLY, lol....
I have given this "relationship" a lot of thought, good vs bad...and like you all, I have the same concerns...now I take everything and see it three different ways. I never look at anything one sided, always see things differently than most. Guess that is why I look past a lot of ppl's faults. I do run into continual repeaters of ppl who say they won't do something again, but everyone has ugly skeletons in their past. I know I do and I am no saint either.
With that said....i give EVERYONE an opportunity to prove me wrong... a second chance. Guess that is why i have the very forgiving personality. At times I have learned from my mistakes in allowing a man in my life knowing his past. My ex-husband is a GREAT example of that. I married a man who I knew had a bad past...in the end, everything of his past came true during our divorce and i dealt with the same things the other women who had restraining orders against him. However...if he had a past of physical abuse or murder I WOULD OF RAN AND NEVER LOOKED BACK...in the end though of my divorce, i have a beautiful son, who is a victim of a crappy dad, sadly. Ok back on track...
I take this relationship with a grain of salt, with caution and guard, as i would ANY good or bad relationship. We so far have one negative thing coming into this new relationship/dating. I have been open with him about my concerns and told him my guard is up, as he understands that. I no longer look at his phone, or ask questions regarding his ex….as we are taking ONE day at a time. He does spend every day with me and my son. He even is assisting me with my son in a lot of positive ways. He has been a HUGE help around my house and with my son.
Now I am not looking for my next husband and do not plan to have any more children, guess that is why this affair issue isn’t too big of a concern, as I know he will not be emotionally available to me. Since being single for 6yrs, I am happy to continue being single and really in no hurry to find “the one”. After writing this, I realize I am just happy having company and potentially just a good friend. And I am okay with his skeletons of his past. If he were an individual that I was seeking to be my husband, DIFFERENT STORY.
All in all….i am just taking this day by day.
Again….THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR CONCERN, ADVISE AND INSIGHT!!!!!
Run for zee hills. As fast as you can... you already know this though, you just wanted someone else to say it with you.
One more thing, when he says "I need some space.." or something to that effect it means he is seeing her.
Yea, so if he had no problem being the "side dish" for 15 years and breaking up a happy marriage, he will have no problem doing the same to you. Trust me. Run, and run fast.
If you disallow him to be friends with her, it would probably create friction between you and him. However, this is a lot of drama to deal with.. I have to imagine that there are a lot more men out there who don't come with this much baggage.. you held out for six years... I would cut this one loose and look for a guy who has his emotional act together..
What happens when her husband dies?
This is a hot mess. Is he the last man on the planet? I mean really. This is just too much drama AND you have a young child. Not to mention, why you would want a man who thought nothing of having a long term affair with a married woman. He will do the same to you. Wash your hands of it and be done. JMO. Good luck.
Even before I read Jim's response, as I was reading through your question I was formulating my reply:
RUN, do not walk, RUN away from this man. DO NOT turn back. Ever.
This is NOT the kind of man you want in your life. He is not a role model for your son, and he is not a potential life mate. He is a person who is willing to have an affair with a married woman whose husband has cancer. He is a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is a man who is okay with cheating. He is a man who expects that you'll hang around so he can figure out if he can have his dream woman, or if he'll have to settle for you.
Do you want to be the person he's just settling for? Or do you want to be your future husband's FIRST and ONLY choice?
Have respect for yourself and get out of this mess. Now.
He's playing you and her - getting a 2fer.
Move on. He is not really "available."
Honey, men are like busses. There's O. along every 5 minutes.
As I'm sure you know, it's ALL in the choosing.
So choose well.
It's not just you anymore.
You've got your son to think of.
Good luck!
Too much drama for me. If a man really wants to be with YOU he will be. Let him know that if he ever manages to break away from her completely he can give you a call. In the mean time keep meeting more people and keep your options open.
I think deep down you know the answer to your own questions, and just need some reinforcement. Every woman on this site is going to tell you to run away from this. And quickly. There are other fish in the sea without a mountain of baggage. Don't do this to yourself.
Good luck.
He's still into her......
RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS STORY.
He's had a 15 year affair? And you call him a boyfriend after how many weeks? And he still hasn't cut his ties?
Hon, I know you are desperate and lonely after 6 years of being a single mom. You're desperate for some male companionship. I get that too. But do not go down this path of waiting. Say no now. Walk away from this now. If he truly feels the way he says about you, he will walk away from the drama and dysfunction of this bizarre reality he has created and maintained for so long.
No more time should be invested into this sticky situation, by you, or by him, or by the 'poor wife' who had her lover and husband both for 15 years. She's a psychopath and your new friend is a fool.
would you continue dealing with this? NO
Would you allow your bf to remains friends with a woman he was with for 15yrs? That would not be my choice. My choice would be do I leave or do I deal. In your specific situation I would leave. He says one thing but does others. No thank you.
I would 100 percent back off. No ultimatums no nothing. Just say "you deal with what you want but I'm moving on good luck."
Yeah, you are wasting your time. They are not having a platonic relationship.
Don't invest anymore time in this.
oh you need to go while he's still occupied with her, go and don't look back.
There are so many more men out there, Ugh what a mess you don't need that drama. Honestly just let them be because once her husband does pass away. Who knows how much crazier this is going to get. This is no where near over between them.
He's wasting your time and you're letting him..
Throw him back.
There are other fish in the sea.
You want someone who's ready to commit TO YOU.
I tend to be suspicious of people I have an 'instant bond' with.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall - and there is ALWAYS another shoe!
This guy you are with now does not give off a 'family man' vibe.
You need a family man - to help raise your son and maybe have more kids with.
My husband and I did not bond instantly.
We were friends, he was young and could be a jerk if he was being immature.
But we took our time getting to know one another - finding out all the warts each of us had - both of us growing up.
And then we loved each other even after knowing about all the warts.
But it took like 9 years between when we first met to when we married.
We dated other people at first then eventually decided we didn't want anyone else.
yikes - cut your losses now! too much drama!! if that woman comes back to him he will take her back. or , hate to say, when her husband passes from cancer (if he does) then they will be in a relationship together.
Get out now. This guy has years of history with this woman, and there's no way I'd trust someone who didn't mind being "the other man" for 15 years of his life. He clearly doesn't value fidelity.
Things just should not be this difficult. Say goodbye.
"Would you allow your bf to remain friends with a woman he was with for 15 yrs?"
You have no right to "allow" him to do anything. You are not his mother. You do not own him.
If you are in a relationship, it is a partnership... equally.
You have been single 6 yrs and have a 5.5 yr old son. I would hope that your son is your priority. He surely does not need this drama in his sweet life.
Move on from this person. He does not know what he wants. Let him figure out his own life before he involves you or anyone else. Don't involve yourself in someone else's drama. The sex can be that good.
You take time to set a good example for your son so he becomes a healthy young man.
Best wishes.
Ask yourself: If my best friend or my daughter were in this situation, what advice would I give her?
He's not ready to move on from her. If he was - he would STOP answering her texts and stop communicating with her.
From where I stand? My opinion is that while he's "honest" with you? You're a filler (for lack of better words) until her husband dies or gets better. Either way? His heart is NOT with you.
I'd let him go now. Tell him that until he's willing to cut her out of his life - he's not ready for ANY new relationship.
Good luck!
i appreciate that he's been honest with you, but you are starting from WAY behind in 3rd wheel position. there's just no way this will end up going well for you.
wish him well and move on.
khairete
S.
Sounds like the problems that Diana had with Charles loving Camilla. You see what happened with that mess.
Time to cut your losses and find a new person not involved with a married person. Take another 4 or 5 years to find someone who will love you without all the drama.
A wife that would run out on a husband who has cancer is not a person I would want to be with. She is married and she is not taking her vows very seriously about "for sickness and in health, till death do us part." You don't need this.
Life is too short to be tangled up in something that is not going to work in your favor.
the other S.
I would say take a moment to read this question of yours again. Nothing sounds right, why would you even consider starting a relationship with this guy? You want to find someone whom you can trust completely even without reading their texts. You should NOT be the one reading text messages and figuring out if he was lying or not - each and every time. If you trusted him you would not be reading his texts , you would just trust what he tells you.
You say you trust him - but you actually don't. And no blame on you because this man can't be trusted as of now. He has had an affair with a married woman for 15 yrs, and he still has feelings for her. And morover that woman is ready to leave her ill husband and come to him.
They both should first figure out what they want to do. be together or split forever. Only then can they see somebody else. Right now as much as you want to call this guy - your boyfriend - and as much as you want to believe what he tells you , the story is still all about those two. They still are in love with each other. And this drama will never end since he is not ready to stop communicating with her, whatever reasons he gives for not doing that doesn't matter. He should be done with that relationship before he can even think of promising you anything. Right now nothing is in his hands as well, because you say she will end up at his door step if he chooses you over her.
You will definitely find some other guy without all this drama and you can definitely have a good life without all this unnecessary stress... Stay out of it for your own good and for your child's. You definitely are wasting your time and bringing in too much stress and drama into your life and child's , so please just back out of this relationship now. It's not worth it. You don't even have to explain anything, stop giving him a chance to talk you into understanding his situation. This is his messy situation which should not involve you and your child.
I can tell you to let go. I know it is easier said than done but if he was willing to do that with a married woman who's to say he wouldn't do that to you. Also, if you stay with him it will always be stressing you if he is with her or leaving you for her. Not healthy and not worth the future heart ache you are going to feel.
Why would you carry this man and his BOATLOAD of baggage? For heaven's sake. Right now he wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
You are wasting your time AND being a chump.
No, sweetie. This is terrible. I'm so sorry you have gotten attached to this man, but this is a huge amount of grief you do not need and with no end in sight. If her husband dies? Remains ill? This HORRIBLE HORRIBLE woman will never take her mits of your boyfriend and he isn't giving her up either.
I have been HUGELY stung by exes of my ex. They contributed to our divorce in the end. This man has not yet focused 100% on YOU without this drama. He was WRONG to date a married woman to begin with.
You've only been on a few dates. There are many amazing bachelors out there. Please go find one who is unattached.
And if you secretly want this guy no matter what, then CUT HIM LOOSE. It's the only way he MAY finally dump her. "I have thought long and hard about this. I love you and I fell we could really work, but only if you are not attached to her anymore in any way." And then CUT HIM OFF. And personally, I think he may lie to you and keep seeing here even then....
Just let him go-you'll be so glad you did! Plus you have a young son, DO NOT let this man become his role model. DO NOT!!!!
Hmmm, Wonder if the fact that the husband has cancer could at all be stress-related to being married to a heartless b_____ who cheated on him for 15 year with a LOSER and even got the LOSER involved with his kids??! Very Evil. SOMETIMES, affairs happen because people meet their one true love AFTER marrying someone else. But carrying on behind someone's back for 15 years is the height of low. Your karma is shot even going near this guy. You will suffer endlessly in a relationship with him.
This situation sounds like one of those Mystery Detective stories on HLN. I would run for the hills just in case this situation becomes fatal. Your son and you deserve so much better than all this baloney.
I never date folk who say, "I'm still very close to my ex" or "my ex is one of my closest friends".
That's their way of letting you know that there is more to the relationship and can always say, "I told you that from the start ".
You're the rebound girlfriend. Those relationships never last anyway. Yeah, just break up with him now, this is truly not worth the effort.
If he wanted to cut ties with her and have her out of his life, he would have done so by now. Sounds like he'll never be able to commit to you until he's done that. You deserve better. Cut your losses and find someone who puts you first. Good luck.
I would tell him that you respect and appreciate his honesty and him being upfront with you. However, they have a long standing relationship that has always been much more than a friendship. The fact that she has expressed that he still wants that relationship to continue regardless of his relationship with you says that at least emotionally it is not over with them. If they didn't respect her marriage, they certainly won't respect your relationship. I would tell him that while you would love to see where your future together may lead, you can not pursue that with her in the picture and you are giving him the time and space he needs to work it out. When and IF he ever breaks that bond, he can certainly look you up and see where you are in your life at THAT time.
I'd ditch him and find someone without baggage...
This is crazy!
You need to believe that you are worth more than this! You are hanging on for this guy? Really?
There are plenty of really nice guys out there.
Tell him to get out.
You are right! He is still emotionally involved with her. Tell him bye. You are worth having someone who can be emotionally attached to you. This guy
Is not available. Don't waste your time and feelings while waiting for him to become available because if he were to ever be available it will take years. He's still holding on to a 15 year relationship. Date others with whom you would have a chance to be their first choice.
You've just started dating. It may seem like you've found a good match but he is not available. There are more great men for you to meet. Actually you don't know him well enough to know if you're a good match. What you should know so far is that he's not a good catch. Also, you have now become the other woman. Is that what's best for you and your son?
I would be hard pressed to accept any version of them being "just friends", since they weren't supposed to be more than that to begin with, being that she was a married woman from the very beginning. So.. his relationship with her has never had anywhere to go except seeing her on the sly.
If he were willing to cut her off and be done, then I MIGHT consider not ending your relationship with him just yet. However, I would have made that a requirement long before now. I am not someone who buys into the premise that opposite sex people can be just friends long term, (it CAN happen, but is extremely rare) and particularly when they HAVE been sexual partners, not just platonic friends.
I think you and your child deserve less drama and someone who can be focused on you and your relationship, and not some other woman and HER drama and life.
Sorry, but I'd have moved on before now.
--ETA I don't know how that double posted. Weird. ?
Get out this now! This is very unhealthy for you! He is stringing you along and will dump or cheat on you with this woman eventually.
There are much better, honest men out there. Get on match.com tonight or go to a singles group. Move on fast.
I can't believe this woman wants to leave her husband when he has cancer. What a horrible person she is. Such a piece of garbage.
He is in a situation that is soooo hard. He was in love with her very much. She's probably been his #1 person for a long long time. I'd say that you have to understand you're dating him and not married/engaged to him. So just date him. Let him be free to date other people too. Be his friend and see where it goes over a period of time.
I think he is not free yet emotionally. He needs friends and to see what's out there. He needs to see her, spend time with her, etc....so he can truly be over her if he decides he wants to be done with her. When he's ready to be done she'll fade into his past.
I think that if you want him for the long haul you have to treat this relationship as a friendship with benefits sort of thing. Not to cheapen it but to allow both of you the freedom he needs to get through this. If you cut him off he'll go to her and be done with you. He'll end up with her and perhaps be totally unhappy for the rest of his life. If you stay and support him and expect him to be faithful...I think you'll get hurt time and time again. She's been his life, his love, his everything and he has to come to terms with that.
So I say see how you feel, do you want to spend time with him as a friend and have a sexual relationship with him> do you want much much more?
I don't think I'd want to spend years doing this. If he's friends with her, which I do think he should be, then you have every right to be friends and date others too.
Oh my, you deserve better than this, and you have a little one to think about. Do you really want to deal with this for god knows how long, and do you want your little guy to be in this as well, only to have it all go down the toilet someday? It looks to me like that's where it's headed. He's NOT the only guy out there for you! Be choosy-for yourself and your son!
What could possibly go wrong?
Yes, I'd allow my bf to keep his women friends, as I do with my husband of 30 years. But if I learned that a bf was entertaining the idea of leaving me for another woman he's still in love with, I would no longer consider him MY bf. I'd choose to just date him as long as we both enjoy it, but not get emotionally entangled.
You've just started dating again. You may have to kiss a few frogs before finding someone whose life can really mesh comfortably with yours. Try not to become too emotionally dependent on any relationship that includes "tricky bits."
I would take about 10 steps back from this, and tell him that you can be friends, and occasionally meet AS FRIENDS, and nothing more, to let him have the space he needs. I would also stop calling him "my boyfriend" in my own head or out loud, and start referring to him as a friend.
Then, I would continue exploring the dating scene, while protecting my son from it, and not count on this relationship to work out, since it sounds like it was pretty unhealthy. (I say this because it's pretty likely the husband of the ex girlfriend hasn't had cancer this whole time, so the fact that the ex never left, before the cancer, and that your boyfriend was okay with being the "other man"-- that doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship, and there is 15 years worth of baggage from it).
That's just my 2 cents, since you asked for it.
I would be hard pressed to accept any version of them being "just friends", since they weren't supposed to be more than that to begin with, being that she was a married woman from the very beginning. So.. his relationship with her has never had anywhere to go except seeing her on the sly.
If he were willing to cut her off and be done, then I MIGHT consider not ending your relationship with him just yet. However, I would have made that a requirement long before now. I am not someone who buys into the premise that opposite sex people can be just friends long term, (it CAN happen, but is extremely rare) and particularly when they HAVE been sexual partners, not just platonic friends.
I think you and your child deserve less drama and someone who can be focused on you and your relationship, and not some other woman and HER drama and life.
Sorry, but I'd have moved on before now.
I would recommend taking a break from the relationship. He has far too much stuff he needs to deal with before moving on with someone else. It doesn't sound to me like their relationship is over. Never a good thing to bring all that into a new relationship. You can always check back in with each other in 6 months and see where things stand.
Good luck!
He's too damaged for you to bother with. He's a catch & release - throw him back.
