My almost-three-year-old twins are fortunate enough to spend two days a week at my parents' house instead of daycare. Because of that, they're familiar with and aware of my folks' pets; two dogs and two birds. Yesterday, one of the dogs got a hold of one of the birds, and the poor bird was injured pretty badly. He didn't survive overnight.
My kids weren't there when it happened, but my mom called me to tell me about it and when I said "oh no!", my kids asked what happened. I told them that Elvis (that's the bird's name) got a big owie (which was true at the time--he hadn't died yet). After the kids were in bed, my mom called back to let me know he had died. Then she asked how she should approach the subject with the kids, and I have no idea! We agreed that we can wait until they ask where Elvis is (they definitely will ask)... but how do we respond from there? Any thoughts would be MUCH appreciated!
**Just adding: I definitely want to be honest with them and tell them that Elvis died... I just don't know HOW to tell them so that they understand. Thanks for the suggestions so far!
Well, this morning as we were getting ready to go to my folks', my son was talking about the two birds. I took advantage of that opportunity and said "Remember when Mommy told you Elvis got a big owie?" He was super cute when he said "yea...?" with his big eyes and a sad look on his face--he's good at displaying empathy for others' owies. I told him that it was a big super huge owie and Elvis died and won't be at his gramma and grampa's anymore. He thought about it and said "not there anymore?" I said that Elvis went to heaven so he won't be at gramma and grampa's anymore. When we got to my parents' house, he looked where the cage was and told my mom that Elvis wasn't there anymore.
Unfortunately, my daughter was sleeping when my son and I talked about it, so my mom will have to talk with her. But my son definitely cared more about Elvis than my daughter does, so I think all is well. I expect they may have some questions, and may need to be reminded from time to time that Elvis isn't coming back, but overall it went well!
I love that I can get quick responses when heading into uncharted kid territory! Thanks for your suggestions everyone!
Sorry for the loss, I know that must have been hard for everyone. Tell the truth as much as possible, but you may want to omit the dog so the children do not blame the dog they also love. They may not really understand, but they will at least to a degree that Elvis is no longer there and can't come back.
The hardest part for a child is the fear of the unknown (hmmm, that's the hardest part for most adults, too!). Imaginations supply far more terrifying and gruesome details than reality usually does.
I would probably say that everything gets its own turn at living, and that at the end of their turn, they just stop living. Elvis' turn was over (you might add: and that makes room in the world for other birds to be born and have their turn, and that's just the way it should be). Yes, we will miss Elvis; he was really fun, wasn't he? Let's always remember how much we loved Elvis, and how much he loved us, but we wouldn't want him to have to keep living if his turn was over – his big owie would probably hurt him too much, and he wouldn't enjoy staying alive and hurting. (Avoid relating death to sleep, because children sometimes become afraid to go to sleep.)
I don't think it serves children well to have death be kept from them; it then becomes a secret too horrible or frightening to face. The simple truth is that death is the natural consequence of life, and if accepted as such, it doesn't have to be frightening. Give only as much detail as a child asks for. Your twins' questions may keep coming for days or weeks, but kids are remarkably resilient, and probably won't worry about this death as much as you will.
What about telling them the general truth? You don't have to mention that one of the dogs were involved. No sense in creating a sense of blame/anger or fear regarding one of the other pets... But you can just say that the "big owie" was more than the bird was able to get well from. And it died. One of the great things about pets is that losing one can be a less painful way for children to learn to understand death.
You could even tell them how lots of animals' life spans are shorter than ours ... like that dogs only live about 12 years or so (depending of course). They just weren't made to live longer than that. If they want to know about after-life issues regarding the bird.. well.. that depends on what sort of faith you practice, if any. My pastor said one of the great stories about Martin Luther (the reformer) was that when they had a family pet die, and one of his kids asked if it went to heaven, he simply said "yes". And why not? We don't really know if they do or not, the Bible doesn't mention about what happens to animals, though we know animals will be present in the hereafter... and it is great comfort to a small child with no grasp of the nuances of religion. When they are older they will address this issue again when they have a broader grasp of theology and no harm will have been done.
Kids are amazingly resilient, so try not to make it into a bigger issue than THEY do. They may not ask as many questions as you think. At least not at first. Kids tend to ask questions about stuff like this over a period of time.. a question here, a question there a month from now.
We lost 3 pets last year when our son was 3. We just basically told him that they had died and that we were all sad they wouldn't be able to play with us anymore. I doubt if he understands what "dead" is, but at least he has an idea that if something is dead, they aren't around.
Last week we had to put my 15 year old dog to sleep, my son just turned 4 and I explained it to him by saying copper was really old and hurt and that she had died and that meant that she belonged to god now. And now she felt all better and was so happy to be able to live in heaven with god. He doesn't completely understand but after a week he knows she won't be coming back, he even made a comment that he saw copper sleeping on his floor the other night, I told him the angels must have brought copper down to make sure my son was doing ok. Good luck explaining this to your little ones.
Kids don't understand about death. Simply tell them the bird got a big owie and died. This might cause an unreasonable fear that if they get a big owie they may die also, explain that birds are not as strong as people. They won't understand the death part but they need to understand that once a person or animal dies they are not coming back. Luckily they are young and won't remember the bird after a while.
Maybe sharing some nice stories about how the bird brought joy into your lives would help.
Agree. Be honest. The dog played too roughly with the bird, the bird was injured very badly, and he died.
My son was 1 day shy of his second birthday when I was diagnosed with cancer. Our daughter was essentially newborn. We were honest from the beginning to the extent that a 2 year old can understand why Mommy's hooked-up to an IV at infusion appointments (chemo), why Mommy lost her hair, why Mommy's really sick and can't share drinks, why Mommy can't always hold you, why Mommy stays in bed a lot.
He didn't need to know all the details, but you can never go wrong with honesty.
Good luck.
Tell the truth. Death is something that affects ALL of us.
I would start out by saying something like, "do you remember when I said Elvis got a big owie? Well, he was not strong enough for his body to heal itself and he died and won't be coming back to grandma's house anymore. Just be straight with them. They will probably ask questions during the conversation. You don't have to tell them how it happened as they are too young for the details. Also, let them know that you and grandma are there to answer any questions they may have. You and your mom could also tell them together if that is possible. Good luck with this sensitive topic.
For many of us, our pets are part of our family. Loss of a treasured family member, the family pet, is profoundly heart-breaking. And explaining the death to your kids can be quite difficult as well. Death is a complex subject to process intellectually . . . add a deep layer of grief on top of that, and you have a tricky situation. How can you tell your kids that your beloved Fido or Felix has passed away?
1. Inform your kids as soon after the death as is practical. You don’t want your kids to hear about the death from a neighbor or other third party.
2. Select a private, quiet, familiar setting in which to speak with your kids about the death. Your home is a good place to hold this discussion. You won’t want the environment to be distracting; so, minimize the number of people and activities in your home as you embark on this discussion.
3. When speaking with your kids, be as calm as possible. It’s ok to be tearful: you want your kids to understand that it’s acceptable to express grief through open expressions of sadness. However, panic and trauma should not be displayed in front of your kids. If your kids see you panic or experience trauma, they will likely experience panic and trauma as well.
4. Provide your kids with only basic information initially. For example, you may say, “Fluffy got off his leash this morning, ran out into the street, and was struck by a car. He died instantly.” Then, ask them if they have any questions. Encourage them to speak to you about what they are thinking and feeling and share whatever questions they may have. Provide them with the additional information that they seek. This question-and-answer period may take weeks or months as your kids sort through the logic and emotions of the death. By allowing the “Q&A” approach, your kids will not be given more information than they want. Be aware, however, that your kids may seek information because they think they need to know, but they may still struggle with the information once it’s received.
5. If your kids ask you a question to which you do not know the answer, it’s ok to say that you don’t know. Spiritual and medical questions, in particular, can be difficult to answer. If practical, you can promise to research the question and get an answer for them within a period of time that you specify. (”That’s a good question. I don’t know the answer, but we can check with Pastor Smith/Doctor Johnson this weekend. Ok?”) Some answers may be impossible to ascertain, however. For example, if your kids ask you why bad things happen to good people (or pets), the answer may not be clear cut even with reasonable research into the matter. You can tell your kids that no one knows the answer with certainty, but your perspective is _______.
6. Ensure that you are especially attentive to your kids during this difficult time. Provide them with extra time to talk things over, to cuddle, and even to sit in silence together if that’s what they need. Expect that your kids may act out their grief by throwing tantrums, having trouble concentrating in school, having trouble understanding and remembering things, wetting their beds when they have already mastered waking up dry, not being able to get to sleep or stay asleep, experiencing lethargy and/or loss of appetite, and other signs of distress.
7. Hold a family funeral to pay your respects for your lost loved one. Allow your kids the opportunity to help plan and participate in the funeral.
By following these seven steps, you can help your kids understand and cope when your family experiences the loss of a beloved family pet.
certainly by now they understand the whole idea behind squishing a bug right? you could compare it to that (thats what we were thinking of doing about my son's grandma's horse who just died yesterday! - she wasnt really a people horse anyway, so its not like he spent a TON of time with her, but he knows shes around usually...)
but yeah its a tough one. i still have to have that talk before he goes over there this afternoon. im not sure that they will be devastated or anything, they probably dont realize it is supposed to be sad or anything, so you could be matter-of-fact about it, and it will probably be fine. but yeah; its hard!
We had to put our 12y old dog down in March. The kids knew that he had a vet appt. for a large growth on his leg. Turns out that the vet thought that it was cancer and the only option was to amputate the front leg.
I didn't want to put my dog through that. He's 12!
So when I came home from the vet without the dog my 9y old knew right away. My 3y old didn't understand. I told her that the vet said that Pup had to stay at the vets. He has friends there but can't come home. She understood that. Sometimes she'll say 'I wish I could go to see Pup at the vet and play with his friends.' I just tell her that you can't. The group is only for other Pups.
We recommend a book called The 10th Good Things About Barney, by Judith Viorst (the woman who wrote Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day), it is often available in the library. It is about losing a pet cat, but is young people appropriate, to start a conversation about loss.
We are thinking of you.
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