Picky Kid and Grandparents

Having not read the other responses, here is my advice: Tell your in-laws to cook what they want to cook and tell your son that he will either eat it or not but that he won't be getting anything other than what they make. He'll be fine, they will be happy.

I think they are just frustrated with the situation. I work with children. I know how picky eaters can be. They are not usually willing to just leave the table happy and hungry and they make derrogatory remarks about what we serve. Little boys that are picky especially are difficult to deal with. I think they are just saying that they don't want to deal with it.

I'm sure there is more to this story. They probably want to deal with it in a way that you don't and they are simply over it. I'm sorry that frustrates you even more. I have a picky grandson and I would not send him away. But I can also tell you that sometimes his mother is frustrated with me if I give in and give him something she doesn't want. But other times she's frustrated with me if I dig my heels in and send him away from the table hungry. As grandparents, we are darned if we do and darned if we don't. It seems the younger generation wants us to be there for them and yet keep our mouths shut becuase you know, it's not like we have any relavent experience today right?

My kids are a little picky-they're just used to whatever I always make, and I don't force them to eat stuff when we're at other people houses etc. What REALLY annoys me, is when we are traveling, they rarely want to eat anything new anywhere (that's not the part that annoys me) and whoever we are visiting, just cant' seem to let it go.

Finally I said clearly to all grandparents and in laws, "They're picky. They wont' eat new stuff. It's nothing personal, they barely eat when we travel. Please don't worry if they don't eat. They won't starve. I don't want any table drama (from the relatives-my kids aren't dramatic at the table). It's my problem. Please ignore whether they are eating or not." Then of course I still got a few, "Well, I made this scalloped corn (or some other thing I've never made in my life) just for them" and I'll repeat, "Yeah, like I said, they don't eat new things. Sorry. Thanks so much, I'm having three helpings, it's delicious, just ignore the kids."

I also shop for our own groceries and insist on making the kids their plates myself just so the hosts can relax and make whatever they want for the adults without stressing. Now mind you. I'm a strict parent. My kids have gracious, excellent table manners. They "politely say 'no thank you' and they sit nicely at the table and join the conversation for the whole meal. They are the most well behaved kids this side of the Mississippi in all other areas, but food-I don't force it. If people want to think I'm a bad parent, fine. I don't think it's anyone else's business what they eat. (Plus we eat healthfully and they relatives don't, so why would I force the overcooked canned corn in tons of oil and butter and salt?). Now finally I have everyone trained (grandparents) that I make their plates from the food I brought and they can all lump it or call CPS. And everyone is way less stressed at dinner.

In your grandparents case, I'd say, "OK, fair enough. If his eating habits are such a source of chagrin to you that you don't want to spend time with Johnnie, that's your call." Say it with a smile, and mean it. It won't hurt your son to see them less until he's older. It will only hurt the grandparents. Try to take charge of this. I think they're bluffing because they think they can "make you" make him eat by scaring you.

I completely understand how they feel because we're going through the same thing with my son who eats practically nothing. (Yours eats more than mine) It's frustrating and annoying and every mealtime practically turns into a battle. If you don't *have* to deal with it, then why would you want to?
They're not saying that they never want him over, just that they don't want him over as long. Probably because they don't want to have him only think of them as the meanies that make him try things he doesn't want to. Really, your job is to be that meanie, not theirs.

My kids favorite saying right now. You get what you get, and don't throw a fit. It really works wonders sometimes when it is turned on them.
Do they make any of their son's favorites, that your son might be inclined to try if he knows Daddy likes it?
Do they purposely make new things for him try along with something he does like, or not?
My son is also picky, but I found that a week at grandma's a few winters ago, and he tried roast and roasted veggies, that he would never eat at home. Dinner is dinner, and if they are hungry they will eat something. Eventually they will find things they are comfortable eating.
So, don't give up and label him a picky eater with little spectrum.
Encourage the inlaws to give him a chance, talk about what new/specific foods they are thinking about, and what you can do to make the eating meals/snacks, and visiting process better for all.

That is odd... I mean they should perhaps put it in perspective that he may be a tad picky, but he is a healthy boy. My son had a lot of feeding issues and was on a feeding tube for 5 years. It included special high calorie formula, pureed food far past the age of puree, etc. So, he likes kid food. Lots of kids do. I agree that you can't force him to eat. Said from someone who had a kid that you can't force to eat. I mean I hate green beans and I won't eat them.

I totally agree that they are over reacting and like you said, life is too short. I would have been so hurt if people didn't want to see my son b/c of his feeding issues. I hope you can knock some sense into them!!! This is silly. They should just enjoy him!!! He will be grown before you know it. :-) Good luck Mama!!!

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What is the issue here? Is it the type of food or his reaction? Are they tired of mealtime fights? If I had a kid that always fought me at dinner vs a polite "No thank you" I wouldn't want them for dinner, either. I think you need to find out what their real issue is before you can decide what to do.

And as far as being a picky eater, I'd work with him at home. I give DD something she likes, something she might eat, and something new. Sometimes we'll be in the store and she'll look at a food. I'll say, "Want to try it?" and sometimes we do and find something we like. If we are at a buffet, I'll let her help me choose and we'll both try a bite. I try to make it an adventure. If she really doesn't eat, she'll be hungry later and I remind her of that.

If the issue is that he is impolite, you need to work with him on his manners. "Son, you hurt people's feelings when you don't try their food. You need to say things like "No, thank you" or "May I have my noodles plain, please." My stepkids used to say "ew, yuck" and sniff the food before eating. I was appalled! I'm not the main cook, but I stopped cooking at all for a while. DH had to lay down the law that it was not acceptable.

When I was a kid, I NEVER liked spinach. It was canned, overcooked and gross the way my grandmother served it. I ate the least I could get away with. But I knew I had to try and couldn't say anything unkind about it.

As an adult, I rediscovered spinach and like it - my way. Maybe there's something in the way they make the food that could be altered (like no sauce) without making meal #2 for your son. My DD eats most of what we do, but I leave sauces off. What does it matter if people add their own sauce? Or it's not that hard to serve her brown bread if we have rolls.

See if there's a compromise, but to know how to make it work, you need to know the real issue.

keep offering him variety of foods and he will eventually eat and like them, just keep trying!
thats what I do and my 8 year old now loves spinach, salads, broccoli, vegetable juice, and stuff like that
my 5 year old is not too crazy about some of it yet, but I keep trying and she is getting better, just like my now 8 year old was when he was 5.
My 2 year old is in a yogurt/milk/ cheese phase, but I keep trying to give him the other things and one day he will eat them....just keep trying!

I do limit junk food, we never eat out, havent been to Mcdonalds in the past 8 years (since I watched Super Size Me movie), well have pizza once a month if that, same with hot dogs, mac & chese etc. Those are like once a month treats. On daily basis I offer them home cooked, healthy foods and eventually they eat them!

And the grandparents should understand that the kids have to learn to eat stuff, they go through phases where they won't eat some stuff, and we have to live with that!

You know, they probably feel like that because it bothers them to see him not eat. By bother, I mean worry. My granddaughter is extremely picky. I think there are only 4 or 5 things in this entire world that she eats - McDonad's hamburgers, mac & cheese, cheese pizza, cheese sandwich (see a pattern here?) because her mom never cooked for her and did not ever try to feed her anything decent. She came to spend a week at my house a year or so ago and what a nightmare. She refused to eat just about ANYTHING even mac & cheese and chicken nuggets which I had been told she would eat. She ate VERY little over the entire week. It broke my heart and no matter how much I pleaded, she refused to even try a bite. It was very frustrating for me and I worried day and night about the fact that she wouldn't eat. Although I didn't say anything to the mom about not wanting her to come back again for that length of time, that's how I felt. It's not that we don't want to see our grandchildren, it's just that something like that causes us a great deal of stress and anxiety worrying about our precious grandchild. So, maybe it's not them wanting to "control" things, but rather not wanting to spend too much time worrying and stressing. I love my granddaughter and she can come for one overnight, but after that she needs to go home where she will eat because she won't eat anywhere else! So maybe it's your son's best interests they have in mind.

Looks like you have lots of good responses here which, by the way, I haven't read! But wanted to say that you should hold off on blaming yourself for your son's pickiness. I have a group of friends, all with multiple kids who have entirely different eating habits though they were raised in the same house and offered the same variety of foods. One older boy will try and eat ANYTHING and the younger has 3 things he'll put in his mouth, period. Some things they are just born with.

As far as the grandparents, it sounds like a control issue. I see my own mom doing this with my brother and his wife. I think it just irks here how their child eats (not great) and it's a way my mom vents her frustration overall with my sister in law. I thought you were getting at the idea that they want your son to eat healthier food - more fruit and veggies, perhaps - but then you commented that they give him marshmallows and candy against your wishes! So clearly this is not a health issue for them. Sounds petty. Not sure how you should handle them other than to ignore their pettiness as much as possible. I would think limiting time with your son would hurt them as much as anyone. Or let them feel free to introduce new, healthy foods to him and let them deal with the fallout. I would keep trying to give him healthy options for his sake - maybe let him help shop/prepare things. That often works in my home. Good luck!

I think that is the crappiest thing I have ever read. I could see if they wanted you to provide his favorites if say they don't keep that stuff in their house. But to hold back time and fun because they don't like his eating habits? From his GRANDPARENTS??????? My mom and dad and my MIL keep special stuff in their houses for my kids and my niece. (granted my kids have pretty great eating habits, but so what???). I don't know what you should do about it, but I am completely with you that this is GARBAGE!

Your son is old enough to understand that when you are at someone elses house you eat what they eat. If you don't like it and refuse to eat.. you go hungry.

I can see thier point that if he is at thier house during dinner time, its a pain in the butt to make two seperate meals.. one just for him. You can't expect them to eat what he is eating just so they don't have to make two meals if they don't eat like that.

My kids tried to do that for a while... and it worked. I was making a homemade meal and they in return would throw a fit until I gave in and make them the proccessed junk. Then I realized how much of the healthy food I was throwing away I put my foot down. It may be what he is use to and likes... but you know in the long run its not good for him. Its time now to start from thier cue and get him to start eating what others are.

Hopefully you will encourage him to start trying new things. Hopefully he will get on board with it expecially if he is loosing out on time with them. That may be the thing that will work for him. Eat what they are eating... spend more time with them. Refuse to eat it... have to come home early.

My daughter is 3 1/3 and already can understand "home" rules and "visiting" rules. Your child at 5 1/2 is also old enough to eat whatever is put in front of him. At home our daughter can ask for a simple alternative if she doesn't like the meal (after trying every item on her plate). While "visiting" she cannot ask for substitutions. If you want to keep letting him eat badly at home, explain that there are different rules at grandma's house, and if he wants to visit he has to eat whatever he is served. Then work with grandma to achieve a happy balance.

Then I guess my kids would eat a full meal of whatever you felt like serving them before they went over to visit grandma and grandpa.

I am not a health crazed person. My grandkids are super active and eat what they eat. Chicken strips from the deli at Walmart, popcorn chicken from Sonic, happy meals from McDonalds...we eat like a normal family and they are exactly where they should be as far as size.

I think kids have been eating at fast food restaurants and the normal foods that kids eat for years and years and they are fine. I think this fad of forcing them to eat disgusting food just so we can say we are feeding them healthy is going to backfire so badly on these parents when their sons and daughters end up being fat gluttons when they move out and get to be adults. They are going to feast every day on hot dogs, cheese burgers, french fries, chocolate, highly caffeinated drinks that are full of sugar, they are going to make up for lost time.

Our daughter knew that if she did not want to eat something that was fine, but she was not to make faces, throw a fit or say ugly things about it..

She also was not given anything else. She knew the rules and she followed them.

I made dinner and tried to make sure there was something there she was going to eat.. but I did not cook just to her.

We were fortunate that she liked salad type foods, but no dressing.
She liked meats, but not in a sauce.. She would eat the sauce, but on the side. So when I cooked it was not a problem.. If at someones home they mixed up a meat sauce with all of the pasta.. that was going to be up to her if she was going to eat it.. But I guarantee you, there were no comments, no bad behaviors.

I had explained that cooking to many people is like their "art". The enjoy it, they work hard at it and we need to let them know we like it.. Just like when she worked hard on her art and drawings.. It would hurt her feelings if someone told her they did not like it.

The grandparents probably get frustrated by being around a child that seems to not be encouraged to eat what everyone else eats.. or to at least be polite about it. I do not blame them.

You are not doing your son any favors by not teaching him what is expected for manners.

If you are fine with him only eating his certain foods, then explain that he "may not have anything to eat when he is a guest elsewhere else"and so "he will need to learn to just sit quietly with no comments, no ugly faces and no fits.. " His choice.

I agree with his parents. If they are in charge of meals and he is being ultimately RUDE by refusing to try them, that is a parenting thing you need to either fix or make it so it's not their problem. They might see what you don't perhaps? You will only be doing your son a great service for his whole life, and his future spouse a service too, if you expand his eating preferences. He will have a healthier diet, which means a smarter and healthier child. You will not be hurting him. It will be a hard week or two while he learns that you mean it, but please try the following picky eater plan. ***************************edited to add - just read the update about them giving him junk food! THAT changes my answer. I still think you should make him do the picky eater plan below, but I think you would also have to give them a list of NOT acceptable foods. I had to do that with my in laws since my older daughter had no hunger mechanism and if we only had 5 bites going in, one of those was NOT going to be a marshmallow!! And not all kids outgrow being a picky eater, MOST DO NOT. There is research and studies to prove this.***************************************
There is a great book by William G Wilkoff, MD called Coping with a Picky Eater that every parent or provider of kids should read and have a copy of (I have two copies if an enrolled parent ever wants to borrow one). http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Picky-Eater-Perplexed-Parent...

This book has what I call the Picky Eater Plan. I have used this plan with kids that literally threw up at the sight of food and within 2 weeks they were eating normal amounts of everything and trying every food.

First you need to get everyone who deals with the child on board. If you are a provider it's ok to make this the rule at your house and not have the parents follow through but you won't see as good results as what I described up above.

The plan is to limit the quantities of food you give the kid. When I first start with a child I give them literally ONE bite worth of each food I am serving. The book suggests that every time you feed the kids (breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner) you give all 4 food groups. So, for lunch today I would have given the child one tiny piece of strawberry, one spoonful of applesauce, 3 macaroni noodles with cheese on them, and 2 oz of milk. Only after they ate ALL of what was on their plate would you give them anything else. They can have the same amounts for seconds. If they only want more mac and cheese, they only get 3 noodles then they would have to have more of all the other foods in order to get more than that. If they don't eat, fine. If they don't finish, fine. Don't make a big deal out of it, just make them stay at the table until everyone else is done eating. They don't get more food until they are sat at the next meal and they only get what you serve. When I first do this with a child I don't serve sweets at all. So no animal crackers for snack but rather a carrot for snack. Or one of each of those. I don't make it easy for them to gorge on bad foods in other words. Now if they had a meal where they ate great then I might make the snack be a yummy one cause I know they filled up on good foods.

Even at snacks you have to limit quantities of the good stuff or else they will hold out for snack and just eat those snacky foods. I never give a picky eater the reward of a yummy snack unless they had that great lunch prior to it.

It really is that easy.
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Sample eating schedule for 5 yrs old - times are just for demonstration purposes to give amount of time between things
7 eat breakfast (any two food groups)

8:30 snack (grain, milk, fruit/veggie)
11 lunch (grain, protein, milk, 2 fruit/veggies)
3 snack (any two food groups)
5:30 dinner (grain, protein, milk, 2 fruit/veggies), no further food for the day

Room for bending on both sides here. Grandma and Grandpa could make their usual meals and offer an occasional side dish of one of his favorites just to be kind (maybe his favorite fruit). Grandparents could put the plate down with a little of each food in front of him. He chooses to try it, eat it, OR not, or not get filled up. He uses good manners regardless. "No thank you" if offered something he doesn't want. Grandparents need to stop being personally offended if he isn't trying everything as long as he is polite. It would be nice if they at least offered some healthier foods plain or raw, but if they are hosting, you all should be happy to have what is offered. I think it is expecting a lot for relatives to cater to picky eaters. If they are going to limit his visiting lengths, maybe you are staying too long regardless. Obviously, their patience has a shorter expiration time. That's just the way it is with some people. Shorter visits may just work better anyway. You can't do anything to change the food issue in their home. Why don't you have them over to visit at your place more often instead? Then you can control the menus. Or is it a babysitting/childcare arrangment? Good luck!