This is something I have wrestled with internally for some time now and the question just posted about the little girl, and her much more privelaged half-sister with a wealthier family got me thinking about it more.
My husband was married before and has 2 sons from his first marriage. When we met, they were 5 and 6 and we lived 30 minutes from them - they were with their mom and hubby had visitation every weekend for many years, and also was able to take them on vacation and other special events whenever he wanted. We were not wealthy by any means but could afford to do more things like that with them more so than their mom could and she seemed thankful that they were able to have these experiences. Personally, I liked being able to give them such experiences (like a trip to Disney World when they were 6 and 7, and going skiing for the first time when they were 9 and 10) rather than just buying them "stuff."
We had a daughter of our own who is now 5 years old. Shortly after she was born, I realized that I really wanted to move back to my home state so we could be closer to my mother and my family. Housing was more affordable too and we could better afford a bigger nicer house in a better neighborhood. So I admit, it was more for my daughter's benefit than anything, but it also meant moving away from my stepsons, who at the time were 13 and 14, and not as interested in spending as much time with Dad as they did before. They have been out here many times to visit us - we always pay for their plane tickets and we always tell them they are welcome here whenever they want. We also vacation out there every summer so we see them then too, although this summer, because of new job committments, we were not able to make it, so we have not seen them since last Christmas. The oldest is 19 and has been out of high school since last year - he's not doing any college and is currently just working a couple of part-time jobs. The younger one is18 and is in his senior year.
Unfortunately, my dad passed away some years ago, and my mother passed away 2 years ago, and when that happened, we ended up with a sizable inheritence that has enabled us to do some things that might not have been possible before. Our daughter can go to private school and has a good start on a college fund. We've taken some nicer trips - we were able to go back to Disney World and do a Disney Cruise last year and were able to take all the kids, but have also done some things that where we couldn't include the older boys, because of school and work. I don't talk to them very much, but their dad will try to talk to them regularly, or text them, but usually ends up leaving a message for them to call him, and they don't. They have expressed some resentment and hurt feelings that our plans have not included them, but it just hasn't always been possible. Right now, he has been trying to ask them about coming out here for Christmas and they won't say if they want to or not. 19 year old says he's busy with work and wants to take a trip to California to visit with friends at some point. 18 year old does not return hubby's phone calls. And of course my 5 year old misses her big brothers and really wants to see them at Christmas.
So I am struggling with feelings of guilt that we moved away from them, they don't get to see their father as much, we put them in this position of having to travel to spend time with us, and I wonder too if they feel jealous is any way that we are able to do more for our daughter than we were able to do for them. My husband has had small college funds set up for them too, and we have told them we would be happy to help them with paying for it, but neither of them is taking us up on that or making any effort to actually apply to college or enroll. Part of me would like to talk to them about this but I don't know where to start, and often when they were growing up, neither their mother or their dad liked it if they felt I was "interfering" too much. Their dad feels that they are adults now, they can make their own decisions as far as visiting, moving out here with us, going to college, etc. But I wonder if some of their struggles now stem from not having Dad around as much the past 4 years - he has tried to guide them and advise them as best he can, but they still tend to listen to their mother more, which I guess is to be expected since she's been their primary influence all this time.
I guess my question is, should I try to communicate more with them myself? Should I call or text them directly about what their plans are for visiting at Christmas or try to say something to their mother so that she can say something to them about being better about getting back to their dad about stuff like this? How can I carve out a better relationship with them, given the distance and the situation, at the ages they are at right now? I felt closer to them when they were younger and now it feels more complicated.
I am not looking for anyone to totally agree with me, but I am not looking to be crucified over our choice to move away either. So no bashing please! Thank you for at least reading this long post and for any helpful responses I get!
ETA: They have talked at times about moving out here with us - usually when they are upset at their mom about something and really not getting along. Again, we have let them know they are always welcome and made them aware of some of the opportunities that may be available to them here, as far as college, etc. Last year the younger son was strongly considering it, but then didn't, afraid of how his mother would react.
I agree - it IS complicated, no matter which way you slice it, and part of that was of my own choosing. On the other hand, a year after moving back to my home state, my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. Months of chemo, hospitalization, complications, and finally hospice care followed. She ended up passing away 9 months later. I am really glad I was able to spend that time with her leaving close by rather than being hundreds of miles away. Nobody could have predicted that would happen and it would have been a nightmare. At the same time, we are finally at a place where we are both work, our daughter is in school, and we are more established. Some have brought up us moving back, but that wouldn't really make sense at this point either.
What kind of relationship do you have with their mom. I think i would gage her reaction and try to have a convo with her first in order to know how to approach them.
Kudos to you for asking such a tough question here. I would recommend upping your efforts to connect with your sons and also I would encourage their dad to up his game too. In fact, it is really his bridge to build. Can he fly out there more frequently for some long weekends? Even if they are not very responsive, I would encourage him to not give up aggressively trying to connect with them. During conversations he has with them while on these weekend visits to their town, he can ask them about what is has been like for them to have him live out of state. Hopefully he can get a good dialogue going over time. Blessings Blended Family Mama!
My husband has three sons--ages 31, 18, and 22 months. The baby is mine. The older boys see a different father in him than when they were younger. I am a different mother, and they often refer to my baby as spoiled. They see their father smiling and happy in his life with me; no matter how old they get, as the "kids" in the equation, they will always associate his happiness with being away from the life that they knew him to have.
The 31yo has a 7yo daughter, and he (and the girl's mother) seem to feel that the granddaughter should carry more weight with my husband than MY child with him, I guess because she came first and because she comes from the firstborn.
As your stepsons have gotten older, their understandings of the world have changed. They see relationships between men and women and start thinking that they understand what happened between their parents. They're protective of their mother and see that she doesn't have what you have.
The timing might have been a factor when you moved; that age is right when boys usually look to their fathers for manhood training. That's when boys of divorced parents go to live with their fathers, but instead of that option, you took him away. (That's how they'll see that, because if you weren't there, their father would have no reason to be away from them.) That's when they are super-duper hormonal and get curious and embarrassed about sexuality. Think about this: When you're growing up with your parents together, you don't necessarily think about them having a sex life. They're not real people. When a parent marries or has a baby with a different person, that puts sex at the forefront, especially if that kid is a preteen or teen. If it's a boy with a new--sometimes younger--stepmother, then he is sleeping in close quarters with a woman who is not really his relative, and he is aware that she is a sexual being. He might even find himself attracted to her, only because she is the only woman besides his mother to share intimate space with him.
I don't think that moving away was wrong. I think that it was a complicated decision to make. I wonder if it could have waited, but I understand wanting to build a nest for the new baby. It's unfortunate that their nest had to be rattled. I think that you guys did a good job of making the most of that situation.
Keep doing what you're doing. Keep including them. Your husband should press them to spend time with him, and he should have real conversations with them--ask them what they think about things, share some age-appropriate experience from when he was married to their mother, encourage to be open with him. Do not feel guilty for being able to have and do more with your biological child. That's a natural feeling, but it's silly and counter-productive.
If you have a good relationship with their mother, then you should continue it. Continue interacting with them as you normally would. I think that any extra attention should come from their father. Too much fom you will be perceived as "trying too hard" and disingenuous.
At their ages, they probably don't want or need a lot of communication with you or their dad. Let's face it, you haven't really been there for them much this past 4 years and have not seen them in almost a year. That's a LONG time to go without seeing your children. I'm sure that is playing a role in how they feel.
I would just leave it alone. If they decide they want to come, great. If not, darn. They may wait until the last minute to tell you; teenaged boys are not known for their manners and consideration. Even if they do wait until the last minute, don't get up in arms over it; just be glad that they're there and save the catty remarks about manners and consideration for a conversation you can have in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror! LOL!
I think the thing to remember most here is their ages -- they are still teenagers, whether or not they are legally adults. Teenagers noted for their self-centeredness and confusion. It's a hard time, trying to figure out what and who to be, and it sounds particularly like the older one is stuck. Aim first for compassion and support for this very intense time in their lives.
No amount of reminding them to get back to Dad will help. Seriously, no one can be nagged into a good relationship. I say just keep throwing love, support, and invitations at them, eventually some will stick. And make it easy for them to make a decision -- call and say I'm ready to book you flights to come, could you make it on the 19th? We'd love to see you!
it is more complicated now, try to remember that it would be even without the blended family and location issues. Teenage years are hard so love them as hard as you can.
I have a son from my first marriage (and am re-married) and this does get complicated with alot of room for latent hurt feelings, anger, etc.
IMHO the best thing you can do is to let them know that you love them and that they are ALWAYS welcome with you guys. I would not stop inviting them, encouraging them to come, etc. I'm not saying to be a door mat, or to not have boundaries - but I am saying to go out of your way to be positive and accepting, without putting them on the spot.
If they *are* angry with you, it's misplaced. Their DAD made the decision to move away with his new wife and child (and I'm not saying it was wrong - just that it was his choice). With my 2nd husband, I don't think wild horses could drag him away from his son (our son together). He would never, ever allow me to move with our child and would fight like hell if I tried it. In our marriage we have what we call MAD - Mutually Assured Destruction. :P Neither one of us will walk away from our child, even part-time, so we have to stay together LOL.
My husband has done a very good job, imho, of observing boundaries with my oldest son yet letting him know that he always has a place with us and that my husband loves and respects my son personally (he lives here much of the time and Dad is out of state). Husband has really bent over backwards and it's not an easy job. It's thankless in some ways. But it's what he knowingly took on. My oldest son is a very good kid, and mature beyond his years. They have a good relationship and for that I'm incredibly thankful.
I would just stay POSITIVE, and welcoming, and not force them to address any issues head on. Males do better with actions than words.
Hang in there - you're in a tough spot. Stay strong as I know you are DVMMom!
I think you are doing great! I would just keep the door open and say that when they are ready to come visit, to please let you know and you will get them a plane ticket etc. The dad should start reaching out more----That will help alot. Good luck!
You sound like a great stepmom.
I don't think you should communicate with them via their mother. You can try to call and text more, but they are at an age when boys often do become distant for a while.
The next time you see them, I think you should have a conversation with them about how you feel bad that they didn't see their dad more often, and ask them if they felt bad about that. But that is something you should only say to them in person.
How about this: can you have a special trip at Christmas, something that is likely to entice older teen boys, like Hawaii or some place special?
They probably do feel justifiably hurt that your daughter got more than they did, although it sounds like you guys have done what you could, given the distance. And yes, boys are harmed by not having their father in their lives, especially during their teens, so their lack of direction right now could be caused in part by that.
But they are on the verge of adulthood, and all you can do is offer, at this point. Your husband definitely needs to keep communicating with and reaching out to them. To an extent almost all kids become somewhat distant at this transitional point in their lives, as they explore their independence.
But do have that conversation with them, the next time you see them. I have had many conversations with teen boys about the absence of their fathers, and they are always happy to have an opportunity to discuss it.
if you have the money put aside for them and they dont plan to go to college and it's not enough to really pay for college why not offer it for either a trip to somewhere awesome (another country) or help with a car?
i'm sure when your daughter is 14 and not interested in seeing you as much you couldnt imagine moving a plane trip away from her. i think their feelings are valid and you realize that now in hindsight that it probably wasnt the best thing to do. kids come before parents.
i'd write them a letter and tell them that looking back you are sorry for moving so far away and are sad you lost the time with them and would like thier opinion on how to get closer again.
i'm sure hearing you admit you took their dad away and are sorry will help them heal
I know that all kids can be envious, but it seems as though girls tend to be a lil more envious.
I also know that boys are usually closer and more protective of their mothers than their fathers.
With that being said, I'm not sure that the boys would have felt the same envy towards your daughter as the girl in the post you did the spin off from. Not to imply they had none. Just maybe not as much.
I know you said that prior to your move, the boys had pulled back from spending as much time with their father, but all in all it sounded as though your husband had a good relationship with his boys. So I think if they were envious they would have spoken up to their father and even at some point would have shown interest in moving out there to live with you all. Unless of course their mother is narcissistic and guilted them into staying with her.
Perhaps it was even unintentional guilt bestowed upon them by her.
I'm not sure what I think about you contacting them yourself. Even though they are adults now, I still, wouldn't want to step on anyone's toes by going to them directly and having such an intimate conversation with them.
I would maybe talk to my husband first and see what he thought about my going directly to his sons and having such a conversation with them. Or ask him what he thought about you contacting their mother about you contacting them about things you would like to discuss.
I find it somewhat odd that they would feel like you were overstepping at times, when the boys were younger, but then again, I do not know what situations happened to make them feel this way.
I would think that both your husband and exwife would want you have a good relationship with the boys. One strong enough that made the boys feel comfortable enough to go to you in any situation. After all, you can never have too many people in your life that love and care about you.
Best of luck to you
