Playdates Vs. Playing

To me a play date is when I meet another family somewhere or a child goes into a house to play, prearranged. My kids go out and play with the neighborhood kids outside all the time, and I would call that just playing. When they are just playing they are not allowed inside anyones home.

At 18 mos you wouldn't be letting your daughter out to just play in the neighborhood. She needs supervision. That is the reason for playdates. If you know the other parent you can just leave your child with them.

Once she's older she can just be out to play in the neighborhood if you know your neighbors. The whole idea is to keep our children safe.

Getting to know your neighbors, parents of your child's friends is not giving them the third degree. Do you hang out with strangers? I doubt it. You talk with each other to get to know each other. With a child, you're doing some of the getting to know the other family for your child. Your child, even when in grade school, is not mature enough to make judgments about the other family.

The world is different now than when you were a child. When my daughter, who is now 30, was a child, I knew my neighbors already when she came to live with me. I'd lived in the neighborhood for 15 or so years. My closest neighbor was retired, walked a lot and filled me in on neighbors that I didn't have direct contact with. Others I'd met while working in the yard. We had no new people in the 2-3 blocks surrounding my home.

My daughter got to know kids at school. Kids from the same neighborhood go to the same school. That is when we had playdates. The mothers would chat while their kids played the first time or two. After that the kids would spend time at each other's house.

Playdates do not have to be intimidating. Look at them as a way to casually know the other family so that you can be assured that your child is safe.

Not only physically safe but also emotionally safe. You want her to spend time with healthy families. You don't want her to witness fights. You want to know that the home is free of hazards, such as guns. And that the family is safety conscious. ie. they won't give your 5 yo a sharp knife to play with play dough. You want her to learn your family's values. The only way you can know that she's safe and learning your values is if you know the other family and their values.

Unless you're good friends with the mother of another toddler, it's not likely that you'd want to supervise two toddlers alone. Toddlers must have direct supervision. They're just learning how to play with others. Actually, they play side by side at this age with very little interaction. What interaction they have is clumsy and can be difficult for both children.

My grandchildren do play in the neighborhood. Because I don't know the neighbors as well as I did when their mother was a kid, I have more rules. The must ask before they go into someone's house. They must come home if there's a fight. I don't know the parents well enough to know how they'd handle fights, for example. That sort of thing.

My kids are a bit young to just send out to the neighborhood (oldest isn't quite 5), but we go to the park down our block daily (in good weather), and they just play with whoever happens to be there that day. We also do have some scheduled playdates, which is more like, son'd friend's mom & I are both on FB, we check out each other's status updates in the morning, if we are both up for it, we get together. Most of the other kids in our neighborhood go to a different school (public, mine goes to a Catholic school), or are significantly older.

I would NEVER allow my child to go to someone's home if I haven't met the parents SEVERAL times. I know too well from my own free-range childhood that some of the places they could end up might be quite seedy.

I don't feel that way. I love my street!

My street is crawling w/kids of all ages and they are always outside. My kid is free to join them...he usually scoots down there on his razor or bike..or they come over here. On any given day there are kids on my lawn/driveway tearing it up. The older kids usually play football in the street and they are nice to let the little kids play w/them. I'm always outside, working in the yard or garage, so I can keep an eye on him but most of the mothers aren't outside watching their kids. We do catch each other though and have friendly chit chats while watching our kids scream past us.

It helps that we've all been neighbors for 6-8 yrs so we all know each other and most of the parents knows which kid belongs to who. I feel we look out for one another's kids, if anything.

We go to the park in our neighborhood a lot and let the kids play with who ever is there. Or I have one of their friends over or they go to their house to play.

I think it just depends on the parent. I like structure and supervision, and I liking knowing the parent and the household. I also like the one-one-one or small group familiarity and quality time versus herd mentality that goes on when you let the kids "go out to play" I think casual playtime is fun, and we do that too, but I far prefer playdate time myself.

I also think that because so many parents work and kids are so scheduled for activities, that playdates are becoming the main ways to maintain friendships.

The truth is, a little bit of both is proabably best for learning to deal with different social situations.

In my case we did parent-child playdates until my kids were around 4, so the moms really bonded somewhat too and we have maintained those playdates for some mommy time.

A playdate is where everyone gets together and the kids play while the moms are visiting and getting to know each other. Mom's stay at playdates

Otherwise it's just someone babysitting your kid until you pick them up, or your child is playing at a friends house. Calling that a playdate is odd to me.

I totally agree with others who said it depends on the neighborhood. In my current neighborhood, there are no kids (mostly retirees). The closest kids his age are about 4 miles away (all the houses are on acreage). In our old neighborhood, there were plenty of kids - and some real bad apples. Including an 8 yr old firebug who set at least 4 properties on fire and nearly caused a 5 yr old to lose his hand by handing him a lit (illegal) firework. The parents were never home, and when they were, they were drunk and didn't care. CPS came several times but the kids were never removed. Have my son outside with that little boy around? No thanks.

I have done the "moms groups" and I met several of my closest friends that way. Because it's not just about YOUR child have fun, it's about YOU making friends too! And it was great for me to find new moms who had kids my age and were going through the same experiences. It gave me a lot more confidence as a parent in those early years.

My kids play with the neighbor kids all summer long. We live in a subdivision, and everyone's always outside. Unstructured, unplanned...most of the time we parents are catching up and drinking while the kids play.
So no, I don't think that era is gone.

I DO think we are done with the era where you left the house in the morning, told your parents you were going outside to play, and then came back at dinnertime. I don't think things are safe enough anymore to do that. At least, not here in the city.

Playdates are a byproduct of 2 things:

Dual Income Families & Cities

Even if YOU area stay at home parent, most of your child's friends won't have a stay at home parent (in my experience). When both parents work, you have to schedule things... because the kids are in daycare until evening, and then the parents want to spend time with their kids in the evening and on weekends. Add in sports and religion, and that only leave 2 slots a week (and sometimes only 1) to be getting together with other kids.

Cities... you don't just let kids run around unattended. You're with them, or they're in programs. You don't just say "be home by dinner"... you're out with them. Which means that you're scheduling that. As are other parents.

AKA, in my experience, it's a LOGISTICS thing far more than a safety / mistrust thing. Back when I was a kid... the same thing about "knowing the other parents" was ALSO true (that hasn't changed). It's just that you GET TO KNOW your neighbors who have kids. Parents do that. But since so many things are scheduled (classes, activities, school, etc.) which is where kids are making friends... you WON'T know their parents until you've met them a few times / had parent chaperoned playdates.

To me a playdate is just playing with another kid friend who does not live on your street. My 7 yr old son plays with the neighbor kids a lot. But there are times when he wants one of his best friends from school to come over (or he will go to their house) and they live in a different neighborhood. We parents set it up and his friend will get dropped off here for a few hours (or vice versa). The neighborhood kids are great too but most of them are not exactly the same age as my son or they just are not super good friends (their personalities clash in some small way). I have to say I am friends with or know almost all these kid's parents. But not all. My son is not allowed to leave our culdesac and he is not allowed to go inside someone's house without my permission first. These rules are so I know where he is and to make sure he does not get invited into a total stranger's house. My 2 yr old daughter is too little to send out to play. She has some little friends (I'm friends with the mom) that we met around town and I will invite over my friend for coffee/tea/lunch and the toddlers can "play" together.

Our parents didn't know any better, and thought we were safe, and they most likely did know our neighbors. I do think I grew up during a safer time - a different time.

The world we live in now IS different, in my opinion. Families are different, parents work more, neighbors are not as friendly or consistent as they were back in the day. The close knit community or safe neighborhood is not as prevalent as it used to be.

If you can take more care with who your child interacts with, and who they are around, why wouldn't you? Parents are more informed now. I look at it as good parenting, personally.

Your child is only 18 months old, so you've not experienced the topic at hand, yet. I highly doubt you will be fine with your girl running the streets, playing with kids you don't know, going over to kid's houses with parents you don't know.

Getting to know your child's friends' parents is not giving them the 3rd degree, it's again, being a good, involved parent. You don't have to be best friends, but it's good to know what type of person they are.

Also, remember that not everyone lives in a small town. I live in a suburb of a big city, and it's still not that kid friendly. Major streets surround my neighborhood.

Really, though... who cares? As long as your kid is getting some kind of socialization, that's a good thing.

Not until they are at least 7 years old (school age) and only then I'd want to know exactly who they are playing with.

Try and join a Moms Club if your city has one: Momsclub.org - you'll have lots of fun play dates!

I hear 'ya. When I first moved into my neighborhood about 6 years ago, I just thought, wow, there are no little kids in the neighborhood. Then, come Halloween (which was 6 months later!) I realized there were kids in the neighborhood, they just didn't come outside. My grandson would come over for the weekend and he would get so bored waiting for the neighborhood kids to come out. They would come out eventually, but not until like 4:00 in the afternoon. What did they do all day? I think most of them sit and play those silly video games all day. When we were kids, we were outside by 11:00 a.m. and my mom would literally lock the door. That's right - she would put a pitcher of water and cups outside and we were made to stay outside and play for a couple of hours. If we didn't want to play, we could sit on the porch, but we were not allowed to hang out in the house! There is definitely a correlation between kids not playing outside and juvenile obesity and diabetes. More moms need to throw their kids outside to play when whether permits. It won't hurt them and will definitely benefit them. So, be the dare devil in your neighborhood and let your child play outside as soon as he/she is old enough!

When our kids were really young, we had a playgroup. Not all of the moms were my best friends, but it was about the kids not me.

We were blessed when our kids were a little older to live in a neighborhood where all the houses had large front yards. It meant that all the kids would play out front with their parents and we ended up getting to know all of the parents. As the kids got older, we had a plan that if any kids came to your house, you had them each call home to let them know they were at your house now.

During our next two moves, we never let our kids play at houses where we didn't know the parents as there are some parents out there without a clue. Some don't supervise, some are easily distracted (phones, computers, etc.), some give excessive or inappropriate snacks/drinks (one friend wanted to be thought of as the "good" neighbor), some allow inappropriate TV, etc. It was easier to invite other kids over. I just paid attention to what would be fun for the other kids so they would want to come over.

It's not so much a safety thing, as it is logistics. Sure, I'd love to let my kids go outside and play with the neighborhood kids.

They are 5 and 2., and our neighbors' kids are in their teens, though, so that's not going to work. They've tried, but most of the games my little ones can play don't interest the elders, and the more vigorous activities are too much for my kids (touch football? basketball? no fun when the skill level is so different). We head down to the park, and they can play with anyone there, sure, no problem - but at 5 and 2, the 2 mile walk to the park is a bit far for them to do on their own, so there dad or I have to go with them anyway. Setting up a playdate is just insurance that there will be other kids at the park when we get there. Simple as that.

Well, it used to be simple. But with a 5 year old, it has become even more important to schedule play, with all of the things that are interesting the kids. Girl Scouts, soccer, gymnastics, dance, homework....sure all of these are fun, but if we still want to spend time with little friends who don't have the same activities we do, well - playdate.

We started having playdates when my kids were around 4. That is, we started inviting friends over to play at our house. A few times the parent would hang out the whole time and that was SO awkward. I mean I get coming in and wanting to meet me and all but I was never prepared to sit and chat for two hours with a mom I didn't even know! The whole point of the playdate was so the KIDS could play and I could get stuff done for a few hours.
Our neighborhood has never had many kids and is not at all child friendly so sadly playing in the neighborhood was never an option. It's too bad because I would have LOVED to have let them roam around some :(

The very sad answer to your question is that there are weirdos out there who will take your kids from the front yard. In all seriousness, most kids lives are so scheduled these days, they don't have time to just roam the neighborhood with their friends.
THe weirdos does apply to knowing the parents of your children's friends. I don't think you have to be friends with them, but, then they are young, you will more than likely not be leaving them at someones house to play while you go out. Then, they would be babysitting. Once they get older and they start going home from school with friends, then you just really need to know the parents names and phone numbers.

So, yes, it is a bygone era of kids running outside to play with the neighbors. If you kids are not scheduled to the hilt, theirs will be.