A very good friend's son died yesterday. He was about 20. It was a huge shock to get the email of course. I am not sure how it happened. We don't have many mutual friends. The one we have didn't know either. She lives across the country from me. She's not a childhood friend but despite never living on the same coast, we've become very good friends over the past 15 years. It's not a phone friendship vs lots of emails and an annual in person visit. So it's a bit weird bc while I consider her a really good friend and I think the feeling is mutual based on how generous she is with me and all the email conversations etc, she's not such a close friend that I am picking up the phone instantly at a time like this. She has a lot of friends - many local from college and from her work days. Now I am wrestling with whether I go to the service or not. It's Sunday so a quick turnaround. It's cross country for me into a non major city so it requires a flight change so basically one day there and one day back are spent traveling. The actual public services are 2 hours total. One prayer and one reception. So I would leave Saturday and with how flights work, likely fly back Monday. I want to be there for her. Nothing is worse than a child dying. Honestly a friend's parent dying cross country I likely will say no. I have 2 youngish kids and work full time and can't go to a lot of funerals across country and while a parent dying is really sad, it's natural for us to outlive our parents. It's not natural to outlive your child. So should I go? It'll cost about $2000 which we can afford but it's a lot of money for hour in a crowd. Same time, her CHILD died. What would you do? It's one daughter's first day of school on Monday by the way so I'd miss that.
Thank you. It's so sad and I want to be there for her but speaking to friends here too, the consensus does seem to be going later might be even more helpful. I remembered she has a lot of family overseas too that likely is going to come. So the sheer number of people for an hour open reception is likely too much for me to do more than give her a hug. I think showing I care by taking a weekend soon will hopefully be even better. And maybe there is something else planned. She and the father are long divorced and not on good terms and what I found online seems to be arranged by his new wife in their town vs it's my friend's thing.
The hardest part about a funeral (death of a loved one) is when everyone goes home :-(.
The reality sets in and now there is no distraction of the planning, contacting others, etc.
I think Sadie H. makes a great point of visiting her and offering support after the service.
I agree with the idea of sending a plant or flowers to the funeral home so that she knows you are thinking of her, and follow up with a phone call.
How sad :-(
I would coordinate to time to visit her. You do not have to be there for the funeral.
Actually you will most likely not get any quality time with her during the funeral. If you wait, you will be able to connect and support her. This will allow you to plan and find a time that works for both of you.
Honestly, J., i wouldn't go if it were me. I would send flowers to the church, I'd send a thoughtful card, that kind of thing, but I wouldn't go.
Instead, I would call her the week after the funeral. That's when everyone else is gone. Call her on the phone once a week, and then after a month or so, tell her that you would like to visit. Spend a long weekend with her. It will mean more to her in the long run that you did this, than if you came to the funeral where she couldn't even focus on you.
This is what I would do if it were me.
I like Sadie's answer however I would be sure and send a plant or flowers to the funeral so she'd be reminded of your thoughts and prayers. She will more than likely need you even more as a month or two passes.
I completely understand your wanting to attend the funeral. Oftentimes people get lots of visitors in the week or two after a death and then very little in the months that follow. So she really might appreciate a visit in a month or two.
If you would really like to go to the funeral, you might try calling airlines or travel agencies to see if they offer bereavement fairs. I haven't flown in years, but I remember my dad asking for a bereavement fare when his aunt died. Couldn't hurt to make a couple of phone calls to see if this is even a possibility.
If you would want her to come to you and you have the means to go, I would go. My DH recently attended his cousin's funeral. It was two nights in a hotel, a rental car and 2 plane tickets. DD and I stayed home to save money and because he was closer to her.
If there is no way you can be there, do call her and offer your support as much as you can. Frankly, it's when all the well wishers leave that it's hardest.
I think it would be very reasonable to send something (plant, flowers donation to specified charity) to her home or to the service.
Then quickly send her a very heartfelt note of condolences. Let let know you love her and your there to talk anytime.
Follow up with a call in about a week.
Call your friend. If she doesn't want to talk she won't answer the phone or be available. It may surprise you though that she does in fact want to talk. My son passed away and there are many people that say nothing because they don't know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Re: sending her something...Omaha Steaks have nice meals although I think gift cards are the best. I didn't have the energy to think about planning a meal let alone cooking. We ate out for about a year after my son died.
Also, you may want to send her a book about the death of a child. Books helped me more than anything. I have since given books on losing a child, husband, parent, sibling etc. The books are always greatly appreciated.
She will need you more later on. At this point, she is in shock and probably won't remember much of the week. When my girlfriends daughter passed away, she functioned very well. Spoke with friends etc. Fast forward a month. She does not remember much. I would go when you can spend several days with her.
This is the type of thing that you would be amazing to do if you can swing it. And totally not expected to do if not. Most people would not be able to afford it. If I had all the money in the world, I would go. If it would create a burden on my own finances, I would send a kind gift and offer my support other ways, possibly even with a later trip where I can help when the dust has settled, or provide a nice visit when she really needs it. She is grieving far too much to think about your presence there Sunday. If you show up it will be nice, but if you don't, it will not be noticed. I'm so sorry for this news :(
A very good friend of mine's daughter died almost 4 years ago. I can't believe its been that long!
She passed away from cancer. Diagnosed in May, died in December. Can't even begin to tell you how tragic. She was 19. My friend was heavily medicated (who wouldn't be?) for several months.
She needed us afterwards not during. Funeral is for the living. Its a circus. When everyone leaves, you are left alone with your thoughts and grief. Please reach out to her continually. She may or may not answer the phone. Leave a message. Send cards. Let her know you are thinking of her. If she wants to talk about her son, listen and share with her.
I don't think a parent ever "gets over" the death of a child. I think they learn how to live and endure the death of a child.
I would wait and go after. She will need you then.
Send flowers and a card and go later. Call her in a few days or a week and see what she needs
I don't even travel out of town to funerals within my own family, no do I expect others to travel here for a funeral. People understand this. Send a card and flowers or donation.
If I were you, I would let her know you are thinking of her and you are sending her hugs and strength. Then I would offer to go for a visit in the near future. Ask her when is a good time OR ask her if she would like to come and visit you for a change of view.. Tell her you want to take care of her for a while so she can find some healing and peace without so much going on all around her.
Maybe plan with her to go through her sons things or to help her organize his stuff.. Or whatever it is she may need, but does not have the energy to face. And this does not have to be now or even next month.. Let her set the pace.
OR the both of you plan a trip to a place in the middle of where you live and visit in a city you have never been to. Or a quiet cabin.. you get the idea..
You are a good friend, offer and then let her lead the way.
I understand you want to be there for her.
At the same time, the expense of flying out would be more than I could spare and still have money to pay the bills.
She has a support network and your being there, although sweet and well meaning, won't make her pain any less.
If I were in your place, I'd send a sympathy card and an arrangement of flowers to the funeral home or to your friends house.
