My son is almost 18 months old and his personality is very intense. It is very difficult to make him happy and address his wants/needs because if I don't know what he wants before he even knows it then look out. He is biting, hitting, pinching, throwing a tantrum, etc. He has given my 3 yr old daughter countless bruises from biting, he has scratched my cornea (and given me almost $800 in doctor's bills!) and raked his nails down my face. He has absolutely zero patience. For instance, he'll pick up his shoe and immediatly start screaming and throwing things instead of trying to get the shoe on first before having a fit. He has always been very difficult, from birth. I have had him to specialists and had talked with the pediatrician over and over again. No one can help me. I have tried to take a step back and take a good look at my son so that I can understand him better, but I am at a loss. I have tried the whole "No biting, biting hurts" thing and I have actually bitten him myself (very gently!). I have tried to soothe him with no success. He seems tired all the time, but not lethargically so, even though he sleeps through the night (usually), and takes a nap everyday. He whines and cries all the time with just a few pleasant moments thrown in throughout the day. I love him so much and I feel like I am failing him. I want to understand him better and teach him how to deal but I don't know how to do it! I truly do not think that he has any type of autism disorder based on all the research I've done and my talks with his pediatrician, but I am open to hearing any advice/suggestions. My daughter is the most laid back kid I have ever seen. She rarely had tantrums and when she did they lasted about 30 seconds, so this is a whole new thing for me. Maybe this is just normal kid stuff, but since I am home with him all day, it just gets to be too much... I don't know. Please help with advice. Thank you all!!
I don't have advice from experience, but I always like to err on the side of assuming a child is "normal."
With that said, I suggest putting him in his room or somewhere safe when he is hitting and scratching, etc., and otherwise ignoring that behavior. He shouldn't get much attention for it. He will probably always be a handful, but don't fall into the trap of giving him a lot of negative attention, which he will thrive on.
J.,
If you have not been to a Developmental Pediatrician, I would give that a try. Some of what you describe is familiar, and it is so diffluclt when they are unhappy. I would give them a call, you can find them at Children's hospitals. I would also try to get Early Childhood Intervention involved, you may want to tell them what is going on, and see if they can help you to get him to the right professional to help him be more comforatable. In the mean time, I might even contact an Occupational therapist and a speech therapist, if your insurance will cover evaluations, maybe his speech is relatively far behind his ideas...which could cause him difficulty and frustration, or maybe his motor skills are a frustration source or he is uncomfortable with some sensory experience that he just cannot explain yet. It does not sound like typical tantruming, but more importantly, only a few happy moments every day does not sound at all typical. Your gut is telling you right...keep trying to find him some help, and try not to rule anything in or out until he has an evaluation, no mater what it is. I have two kids on the spectrum, and one was very unhappy, but there are other developmental issues besides ASD, so continue to stay open.
I hope he feels better soon. It is miserable when you just can't help them, Mommies are supposed to know what to do to make it all better, so I can relate to how you feel. You are not failing, you are doing everything you know to do. It will get better.
M.
The first thing you need to do is clip those nails and keep them clipped. If you have to do it when he's asleep, do. Once they are clipped you could use an emry board every night when he goes to sleep to keep them short.
You need to have a play pen or crib sitting right in the middle of the living room. When he mis-behaves put him in it. But don't over react. I disagree with the last poster about that. Children strive to see us over react. They LOVE to push our buttons. You will just play into him when you do. I would tell him firmly but without yelling and with L. passion that we don't do this or that and then put him in the crib. He won't be isolated. You are right there. You don't need to time anything. He can come right back out as soon as he's been quiet for a minute or two. Don't let him have toys in there if he's done something really naughty. But if you are having him in there just so you can make lunch or supper or check the laundry and keep him safe, by all means, give him something to play with.
It doesn't matter if you have to put him in there 25 times per day and that he spends more time in there than out. He won't be this age forever. Turn on some good music, preferrably something easy listening or children or gospel or modern christian. But not rap or heavy metal. You don't need to feed into the chaos :)
If you are consistent about this he will learn that he won't get a rise out of you and that he doesn't have any freedom when he does naughty things. It's also much better for your 3 year old to keep her safe. You need to teach her to stay busy at the table when he's out and let her run when he's in. You should limit their contact until he forgets about the biting. If you can get him to go even a week or two without biting it will lesson and a month without biting and he'll forget about it.
When he has those sweet moments, drop EVERYTHING to love on him. When he's being a pill, go about your day and give him L. interaction. He'll figure it out.
have you read Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp. I really recommend it. i would not try spanking him to teach him that we don't hit, Give a horrified gasp when he scratches or tries to hit. Grab his hands and say "NO! NO HIT" keep your words to a minimum but Over react with your facial expressions and voice! Your tone of voice and and face are speaking to him more than your words.
try to observe him and see When is he less whiny? is he happier when you read to him or when you take him to a park or around other kids? when he is full or hungry? could he be bored of hungry when he is whiney? Does he ever seem to pick up on your moods? some sensitive very young kids are actually in some way mirroring their mommies unhappiness or stress. Hope you get great advice here!
Next time he has one of those meltdowns, hold him firmly for about 10 seconds, (even while kicking and screaming) stay calm, get down to his level, look him in the eyes and firmly tell him that he should not behave that way.
Hold him again for 10 seconds and release him let him digest that. Go back and hug him and then distract from what he was doing in a playful manner. (This helps to calm him down, give him a chance to express his frustration, then give you a chance to evaluate what may really be going on. Some how it seems he is frustrated and you are not understanding it
When my kids acted like this, I spanked their L. butts!! And it never happened again.
Worked like a charm. :)
J.,
I just want to start by saying that I am not an expert in this at all, so I admit I could be wrong, but as I was reading your post, a couple of things that you said (very intense personality, difficult from birth, the thing about the shoes-even about the pediatrician not having answers for you) lead me to think that this might be sensory processing disorder. I don't know if you've already ruled that out- you mentioned that you've had him to specialists, but didn't specify.
If I'm right, though, it would be good news, because when you learn more about it, you'll have moments (like I did w/ my son who was also difficult from birth) where you'll think, "oh, NOW I understand why he freaks out about X, Y, or Z !!!". Also, an occupational therapist specially trained in SPD can help enormously. Many pediatricians still miss it, BTW.
Here's a really good website that really helped me a lot. Make sure to also look at the symptom checklist. SPD is so different for everybody because there are sooo many symptoms. They are in categories, and a child may have no symptoms at all in one or more categories, a few here and there in others, and many in one or more. The important thing is how much does a symptom impact the person. For example, many children don't like loud noises, but a child with SPD may cry and cover their ears. Other SPD children love excessively loud music or tv. Some SPD children are not bothered by noise any more than a child w/o SPD.
If you go through the check-list and think this could explain your son's difficult behavior, there's tons of information on this site. Also the book, "The Out of Sync Child" is very helpful.
http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/behavior-probl...
I hope this is helpful- feel free to PM me if you would like. Keep us updated. Hang in there!! :)
BTW- I like what Martha R. had to say also!
Contact The Alliance for Infants and Toddlers, ###-###-#### or afit.org. You do not need a referral from a doctor. Any parent with a concern can contact them for help. They will get your son analyzed and recommend any sort of treatment if necessary, or tips/solutions if treatment is not necessary. Any therapy/treatment before age 3yo is at no charge. Hugs and good luck!
How is his speech? Is he frustrated b/c he cannot express himself with words? Maybe a speech evaluation?
