Please Help with 17 1/2 Month Old Behavior Issues!

Welcome to toddlerhood! My daughter is also 17 1/2 months and she does all of the things you mentioned. My older daughter who is almost 3 did all the same things at that age as well!

1. Wow--- using a fork at 18 months is pretty advanced! I would be more concerned about him sticking himself in the eye than I would be concerned with whether or not he eats with a fork. If he wants to, good. If he doesn't, I'd let him do it his way.

2. Just give him one piece of food at a time. How could this not work?

3. How do you manage to keep him in one room while you're in another? Just let him follow you around, and if he cries to be picked up, let him know you're busy right now, and you will pick him up in a while. Then let him cry. He'll get over it.

4. You need to stop him hitting NOW. Grab him, and hold his arms, and tell him "NO HITTING! IF YOU HIT, YOU WILL GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Then if he hits again, IMMEDIATELY put him in his room, and leave him for just a minute or two. If he makes a fuss in his room, just ignore it, and tell him he can come out when he can behave himself. Do this CONSISTENTLY. Toddlers hate to miss out on the action, and if he knows he'll be put in his room when he hits, he won't hit.You'd better get used to the teary eye and the trembling lip, because you need to be firm about this stuff.

5. You can usually jolly a toddler into cooperating with a diaper change-- try giving him a big fat "razzberry" on the belly while you're changing him, and tickle him a little, so it's fun to get changed.

6. How do you keep him out of the bathroom? If I were you, I'd take advantage of his interest, and start potty training. I think 18 months is young to start, but he seems to be showing interest, which usually means he's ready. Have fun!

Boy oh boy! You have a boy on your hands! Using a fork at 17 months is pretty advanced - praise him when he does, encourage a spoon if the fingers really freak you out.
My son stuffs his mouth even now if he likes the food - he has a hair-trigger gag reflex and has made himself throw up countless times. He's gotten better at the throwing up part but still stuffs his mouth like we're going to take away his food or something. i actaully worried he wasn't being fed enough at daycare - glad to hear someone else does it too. ;)
Try giving your son just a few bits of food at a time.
The separation issues are normal - some kids are worse - some just a little upset - he will out grow it and it will come again if you're a stay-at-home when he's 4.
The hitting takes a long time to teach = you've got to be consistent - time out for 90 seconds or so if you need to cool off too.
The diaper thing is normal too - kinda like wrestling a pig. I put our son on the changing table - he was afraid of falling off so stayed still but hollered the whole time.
Potty training for boys is at age 3.5 for success - you can start practicing now - but he won't have the muscle control for a long time.
Good news is your kid is 100% normal.
Get the hubby to give you a break so you can take a walk or bubble bath and get a little peace every day. A nice glass of wine helps too.
This will all get better as your son learns to talk and can better express himself and understand what you're telling him too.

Hi K.,
Here are my two cents:
Eating:
1) I'd be thrilled if my 4 year old would consistently use her fork at the dinner table! He'll use it - until then, don't make a big deal of it. Just be happy he's eating!
2) You can try just giving him a very tiny portion size and refilling his plate as necessary. This is very normal behavior on his part. My older daughter used to put food in her mouth, and HOURS LATER, when we went to brush her teeth or put her down for a nap, we'd discover the "chipmunked" food in her cheeks. Eeeew! She did eventually grow out of it.

Behavior:
1) He's discovered his power over you. Totally normal. He is seeing what he reaction he can get with crying - my suggestion is, if you think he TRULY needs you (i.e. you've been away from him for a little while, or he has fallen down and hurt himself, or whatever), then pick him up. If you've simply walked into the kitchen to make lunch, there's probably no need to run back and pick him up. It's normal and acceptable for him to express frustration at not getting his way every waking moment, as it is normal and acceptable for you to allow him to be frustrated for short periods of time.
2) Your reaction was fine. Hitting is not okay, and now he knows that! As he gets into the "terrible twos" you'll notice that he will cry every time he is disciplined. It is what it is, and you still have to teach him your values whether he likes it or not.
3) Actually, potty training at 18 months is doable, and probably MUCH easier than potty training at 2 or 3 years. If he's showing interest, run with it.

Being a parent IS hard work - but sounds like you've got a great handle on it! Keep up the good work, Mommy!

Eating: Everything is normal. He is just experimenting what happens when he spits. It is part of brain development process. It is too early to expect table manners and simply keep on showing him how to hold fork. Eat with him.

Behavior: He does mean harm by hitting. Again just experimenting and unable to express his needs. He hits in frustration. I know it is very hard to control the urge to raise our voice but at no time should we feel the need to raise our volume otherwise, someday he may think it is okay to yell to get your needs met. We need to model the behavior. Simply and kindly, give words to his feelings such as oh you seem frustrated/angry and feel like hitting. Hitting hurts and then redirect him to another activity. Yes, he may have difficult time separating from you and it is normal until age 3. Just stay in his sight. He is too young to understand logical explanations and meaning of no. I highly recommend two books: Raising you spirited child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Majlish(sp?)

Hi K., All of these things seem to be normal to me. Your child is beginning the "terrible" twos :-)

I would recommend for you the book "What to Expect-the Toddler Years" Arlene Eisenbur, Heidi E. Murkoff and Sandee E. Hathaway, BSN.

This book is large, but it's easy to read and broken down month by month, so you can compare "normal" developmental behavior to your child's. It also gives suggestions for problem solving of behavioral issues.

I used it constantly and recommend it highly.

My son is now 3 1/2, and since the book only goes to 36 mos, it's time for me to look for the next one up.

You have gotten some good advice already! I just have some comments regarding the hitting.
I totally understand going soft when you saw your little baby crying over something you said...it's SO hard to see a child cry, especially if it's related to ourselves.
However, some people seem to think that children should never feel shame or guilt, because it will harm their self esteem or something.
I strongly disagree. Children need to be taught social boundries until they are mature enough to monitor their own behavior.
When a child does something wrong (actually knowingly wrong, like hitting or stealing or lying, depending on their age), it is APPROPRIATE for the child to FEEL BAD. That is the whole point. That's how they learn social expectations.
Not to feel worthless or unforgiven or unloved--- but just to feel the *temporary* social/emotional consequence of having people be angry/upset/unhappy with them. That will make a child cry, often times. But it is completely appropriate! It provides a child with motivation to earn the natural reward of smiles from their family and peers, instead of frowns and sharp words, simply by following social norms. So, it's okay to hurt his "feelings" in order to teach him that he is hurting OTHER people, which is bad for him to do because people don't like it, and will get upset at him...which can be worse than any so-called punishment, if he learns to associate his own bad behavior with feeling bad inside. It's called developing a conscience.

You are so correct when you say "Parenting is hard work". I think that may be what gives most of us problems when our little sweethearts aren't always so sweet. We have gone into parenting with just the thoughts of how nice it's going to be having that cute, cuddly little bundle of joy, but we don't really realize the other side of parenting. (If we did, there probably wouldn't be as many children born, so I think it's important we don't know ahead of time. And by the way, we forget when it's time to have the second or third child.)
Having said that, you don't realize how many children at your son's age haven't even been given the opportunity to try to use a fork, let alone use it even 1/5 of the time. Let him keep on practicing with the fork and encourage him, but don't worry about the use of his hands in the food too. It's quite natural and will be for a few more years.
Stuffing his mouth is also natural. Keep on cutting up his food to bite sized pieces, and remind him to "take small bites". You might want to try putting less food on his plate at a time in order that he won't have quite as much to stuff in, and you can see that he's finished what's in his mouth before adding more to the plate. It's just a matter of you being there and constantly reminding him for a while and this may take more time that you think it should too. Just don't give up. He'll get it eventually.

Mommy issues... keep on assuring him and don't get too upset when he cries. Do tell him, when you have to leave a room, where you are going and what you will be doing and assure him you'll be back. Even if he doesn't quite understand the words, it's important that he begins to know you will not just 'sneak' out on him, and that you care enough to tell him what to expect. When you do come back you might say something like "see? here I am. I told you I'd be right back."

Hitting is very normal at his age. He doesn't yet realize the consequences and that it hurts the other person. Your handling of the hitting sounds quite appropriate, but don't melt down when he cries. It's ok to hug him and reassure him you still love him even when he does something wrong, but I wouldn't use the words "it's all right" because he may misconstrue that to "it's all right if you want to hit". Kids are going to cry when disciplined. They don't like it, but it's a necessary part of life if they are going to learn good behavior.

As far as the diapering problem ... Again just consistency. He may be too busy playing and not want to stop and take the time for it. Be firm and talk to him. Tell him you just need to change him and he can go back to his play, or whatever. He can begin learning to sit on the potty now. He probably will not be ready to actually potty train for another year or two, but if he's interested in sitting and trying, by all means give him that opportunity.
Also as far as the changing is concerned, have you tried changing him while he's standing up? You may not want to do it for all diapering, and it takes some practice. But it can be done and may be a good way to add variety to the process. I've found there are sometimes situations where knowing how to do that come in quite handy.

Hi K.,

Everyone already said almost everything I had to say! :)

Only 2 other suggestions.

1. Check out "Hands are Not for Hitting" - it's a board book for kids (the whole 'Best Behavior' series is terrific).

2. For the diapering if you are still using a changing table you might try belting him down. We did it a couple times and Finn accepted that it was cooperate or get strapped down. I felt kind of bad but it's dangerous for him to be flipping around up there and gross if there is poo to deal with. Anyway, it worked and if he get's rowdy now I ask him "oh no, do we have to strap you down?" (like, aw, nuts, this is gonna stink if we have to do it) and he stops. And you can totally introduce the potty. He probably won't be consistent but he might surprise you and really take to it! My sister potty trained herself! :)

Best of luck mom! Parenting is super hard work!!!

T.