Please Help with My Almost 6 Year Old and Potty Issues...

J.
My heart goes out to you. Even though this is a frequent problem, it could appear huge.I think I have a good hunch.
Pooping and peeing in the pants is regressive behavior.Even though your son went to all day nursery school, kindergarten is more of a challenge. Second, he could be conflicted about a new baby.Since the behavior happens at school, and you say he doesn't want to miss a turn, the best punishement wold be for him to miss a turn or 2 turns. At six a weekend of punishment is not appropriate. As odd as it amay seem maybe, giving more time to your son, being affectionate and reassuring to him that he will be a big help in caring for this new baby is more about what your son needs.
I was an elementary guidance counselor, so don't feel put down, and I also recommend that you talk to your guidance counselor if your school has one.
The fact that your son is satisfied as long as he can see you tells me that he needs to know you are there.
I think I am on the right track here, Check it out.Let me know how it works out.

I work with children on behavioral issues for a living, and I agree with others who said that a weekend is too long for punishment for a six year old. I also agree with making him earn the TV/computer time by doing appropriate behavior. Each day he comes home without an accident, he earns a certain amount of computer or TV time. If you can get the teachers on board, they could make a little sticker chart for him and he could earn one for each time period (maybe morning, lunch, and afternoon) he goes without an accident. Then you can reward him with a privilege at home or his teachers can allow him a privilege at school. Also praise him when he signals he needs to go to the bathroom or when he goes when he is asked to "thank you for going to the potty when I asked you too" or something like that. Try spending some more positive time with him at home, especially before the baby comes, playing games or building legos together. The more positive attention you pay to good behavior, the more likely you'll see it, and the more effective punishments, like time out or removing privileges, are when you actually do use them. If you punish all the time, it becomes ineffective and you have to up the anti each time to make it effective. Kids also usually don't avoid doing the behavior, they just avoid the person who punishes. Good luck!

Sounds to me as if your son is getting lots of attention from potty issues. Put him in charge of his own bathroom duties. Send him to school in pull ups and if he has an accident, the teacher can give him some wipes and a fresh pull up and let him clean himself. Same at home. Tell him you don't change diapers on big boys..that he can do this himself. If he refuses,just ignore him. Although, I wouldn't let him come to the table, say, with a dirty diaper (pull up). He should be clean and dry by himself if you go anywhere. If he soils himself while out, come directly home and have him change himself. Sounds to me like this is a power problem and if he gets no attention from soiling himself, he'll get over it. He might not be so lazy about using the bathroom if he is responsible for keeping himself clean. I am glad you saw the pediatrician to rule out a physical problem.

Has your doctor talked to you about encopresis? He may have if he recommended a lax. Here's my story. My totally capable 6 y.o., after years of being fine with potty training, started not making it to the toilet and would soil her panties. This graduated from only occasionally to a bit more frequently. I kept blaming her for being preoccupied and not getting up to go. She'd be on the computer, at school, or watching TV and it would happen and I'd punish, etc and tell her she was too old for that. She felt guilty (and now I know, helpless). Finally at wits end I asked our pediatrician. He said not to blame her, that children her age have 'encopresis' or basically they are backed up (constipated), that they don't even realize they are 'leaking' or going in their pants. I was like, no way! She goes poo all the time, every day! NO WAY she could be constipated, this if fully a result of not getting up to go.I was 100% on that. He felt her abdomen and said she was 'full' and it would take a couple of months of a mild laxative every day to clear it out, or the problem would continue. I was shocked. So, off I went with the mild laxative, every day in a drink. I also made her sit on the toilet every day before school, and EVERY time she sat she would go. The doc said that was because there was ALWAYS poo in there so if she induced a movement something would always come out. After three months of drinking a mild lax (MiraLax), sitting on the potty consistently, she has not had one single problem since. The laxative doesn't help after a week, it takes time. They also tell you to watch certain things in their diet, which I didn't really do. Good luck with this, I would talk further with your ped just to rule it out completely. I was just like you, totally blamed it on her preoccupation. Good luck...

Hi J.!
Thats a difficult one! I only have a two year old but my mom taught Pre-K for over 35 years. I have a lot of experience with 4-5 year olds with this problem, and 6 is pretty close:

I definitely would not punish him. I wouldnt ground him or threaten him either. In fact, I would take him out to the park, play together and talk to him quietly and gently once he is in a calm mood. Ill get to that in a sec. What I first wanted to say is, 6 year old still feel out-of-control when there are changes in their life sometimes. If your son is a sensitive little soul, your new marriage and pregnancy are putting stress on him. It's not anything you did wrong, but you DO need to understand why he is backsliding on the potty training: it is basically the one thing he has 100% control over!

When kids feel out of control, they try things like this. Some kids decide not to eat, some kids try to control bedtime, etc.. your son just chose this method to feel more in-control of the changes happening around him. I would make a huge effort going forward to keep a good routine going for him. I would also reinforce your love, support, J. for the new coming baby and let him feel control over being a big brother. Involve him more.

You might need to take him to a child psychologist if it continues and you have insurance to do so. I would try a little TLC and change in technique before you go to that step.

But....back to how to change technique, IMO:
I would explain that you were very sorry that you and daddy grounded him and you guy just want the best for him. Tell him that you are there for him and understand he hasn't been feeling very happy recently. Tell him he can talk to you anytime he wants and you will try to spend more time with him.

Then, (or better yet before), talk to your husband and agree to both reinforce this new technique: no more getting mad and punishing it. Make sure your husband is on-board with this too! It won't help to have you turn it around but have him still say "I can't believe you are pulling this again. Stop it!" (etc)

I am completely positive that this is just his way of dealing with new stresses in his life. It will turn around once he manages the stress. Hope this helps.

Holy cow! I don't envy your predicament!

My aunt (in her 50s) says she wet the bed as a child because she was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom. And you've said he was perfectly able to use it before now, so I'm guessing he is choosing to do what he is doing, and that's disgusting, and I have no problem with his dad's original decree of loss of privileges and family time. Somehow it needs to be gotten across to him that this is completely unacceptable. Going soft isn't going to solve the problem, and once something like this gets started, it can be hard to end, as you've found.

Perhaps you and the teacher need to decide that when he does this he loses such privileges (computer, kitchen, whatever) for a week or something. That might make more sense, as it is directly related to the activity that he's so engrossed with and the timing of committing the offense. And, I have no problem with him wearing pullups to school, either, to further get the point across. Make it a fact of his life until he is "accident" free for a month, and I'll bet there will be no more accidents. He should learn that his rights end when he makes life miserable and disgusting for other people. Until it becomes more upsetting to him to endure the consequences of his choices than to just get up and go to the bathroom, he'll keep on doing it. I wish all the best for you!

If the game system and/or computer is that much of a problem for him, you need to stop treating it as a privilege that you take away to punish him, and just make a blanket rule that he can ONLY spend an hour on the computer or game system, maybe twice a day. He needs to break that tendency to get locked into what he is doing. He should have to go to the bathroom before he starts playing, and then only be allowed to play for an hour, then do something else until it's time for him to play again. If he can't hold his bodily functions for an hour while he's playing, he does have a problem.

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Something more is going on. May be his way of handling yje stress of your pg, a new baby, a different Dad, and one that is quite punitive. Try spending a lot of yime with him, nothing but praise for a month. If he goes, he goes, get him the pullups, and tell him if he wants to wear them and stink, that is his business, but don't either of you say a thing. This little boy needs some understanding, some love, and a whole lot of your time. Take the computer away, read with him, do a puzzle etc. Please email me and let me know if it works.

sounds like their is something else going on. has he been tested for any learning disabilities? like add/adhd autism ect. you should not punish a child for potty issues it doesnt help and could just make things worse. go back to the pull up idea until you can have him evaluated for any learning differences. when hes at home set a timer every 2 hours to the bathroom no excuses that timer goes off he stops what hes doing and goes.

J.,
I would say the changes in your family is reflective on how your son is behaving right now. I think it's a good idea to take away tv or pc or whatever he was engrossed in when the accident occurred for a time and then let him know he can have privilegdes again if he can stay clean. I wouldn't ground him for the weekend though unless he needs to be reprimanded for something more severe. I agree with what someone else suggested regarding pull-ups, just pack extra clothes for him but then also work out a system with his teacher to get through this. Hopefully his teacher is patient and you can both work together to solve the problem. Maybe meet with her if you need to and put together a reward system for when he stays clean in school. It's also important that you and your current husband (and ex husband if your son sees him on a regular basis) work together as a team on discipling him so that everyone is on the same page. Making the rules the same at everyone's house will make things easier for all involved. Be precise and work on it together. Like you could both discuss, if he soils his pants at home what are we going to take away and for how long? Agree on it and stick with it. Lastly, be kind and understanding (even though you probably get very frusterated!) because getting angry or in some cases for some people taking it personal can hinder your parenting skills. The way my husband puts it, when our kids do something wrong he tries to treat them like an employee. Keyword here is try :) It's easier said than done sometimes. Don't yell and be respectful and matter of fact about it. He learned this from a book called "New Kid By Friday," by Dr Lehman. Very good book BTW! I also agree with spending time together. Maybe just you and your son could go out on a date to the movies or grab a bite somewhere. Kids really need that one on one time with us. HTH! Good luck!

Could it be all the changes going on in his life? New school, new father figure, new baby and all that comes with these changes. I would think that all the changes in routine have probably been a lot for the the little guy. He probably is not able to express all his emotions verbally and this is one way of getting your attention - albeit negatively. I agree that positively rewarding him for going to the bathroom would be much better. I have a friend that was going through some behavior problems at school with their child. They found that the child enjoyed spending the weekend with grandma. Every day that the child behaved at school he earned a ticket. At the end of the week if he had 3 tickets he got to spend 1 night at grandma's if he had more than 3 tickets he got to spend 2 nights with grandma.

Maybe you could do something similar.

I'd definitely say let Dad enforce this one. I've been married almost 33 years and have 4 adult children. I overrode my husband way too many times and I believe now that if I'd gone with his decisions more often, he would have been better at it. If he's too harsh this one time, at least he'll know that he has some 'say' and, hopefully, he'll love his (your?) son enough to be more diplomatic and gentle with him in the future.

Also, talk with your son about how this behavior is completely unacceptable (AFTER asking him if he can tell you a real reason for waiting so long even when he knows he shouldn't).

I agree about him trying to maintain attention in whatever way he can, and about positive reinforcement for success, however I think there should be consequences if he continues. Have him clean up his OWN messy pants EVERY time. He does whatever 'yukky' part of the clean-up that you smirk at, at the very least, and maybe even have him do the whole wash cycle and dry, fold and put-away regimen. And whatever he was avoiding missing out on, make sure he DOES miss out on it for a week (or maybe less) -his place at the computer, or whatever. Have his teacher on board with this, too. There's no sense in a potty trained, normally intelligent 5 or 6 yr old using his pants. He's pushing your buttons. Push his right back with consequences. I'm not meaning to be harsh, but you have to stand your ground on this one and not let him win.

I have a thought. Could the teacher set time limits on the computer at school to where everyone (not just your son) has to go do a different activity after, say, a half hour? Maybe she could also encourage your son to go to the bathroom before he gets on the computer. It sounds like to me that he gets very addicted to the computer once he gets on it. My son does that too.

Good luck and remember that this too will pass.

Having two sons of my own I can certainly say that the potty in his pants at school is the most humilating experience he can have. The punishment of living with the teasing that he will most certainly endure will be punishment enough. I have to wonder what the pay-off is for him? Some children truly do crave attention so much that they are willing to get it in any form. You said that it had never happened in pre-school. Were you married to your current husband at that time? Have you recently gone back to work? You are obviously expecting now and you most likely weren't then....Without knowing you and your little guy better, I could not possibly advise you in any way. I would say though that more humilation is probably not what he needs. Punishment of some sort might work. It depends on your child and the circumstances around it all. I'm going to send up a prayer for you, I really don't know what else to do.

You should talk about consequences. Make a list of behaviors and consequences and then stick to your part. The other REALLY important thing is even if you do not agreee with what your husband did stand by him. Talk to him alone and nicely. He had his reasons for doing it. Let him know how and why you feel as you do. Parents that stick together when it comes to discipline have an easier time. If the kids know that they can break you apart then when either parents sets limits, rules or anything they will go to the other parent to get what they want. My 18 y.o. has a friend that is grounded for the rest of the school year because of grades and truancy. His mom set the punishment. His dad lets him go out and hang with his friends, run around and do what he wants, just be back before your mom comes home from work. She works evenings at the hospital. He has only learned that if he complains enough he will get his way. He is still skipping school and his grades are no better. If his dad would stick to the punishment he would study and probably get better with the grades.

After reading all of the responses so far I have to agree with both Stephanie W. and Dawn B. on this one. My brother went through the same thing as a child. He ended up in therapy and it turned out that there were a-lot of contributing factors to this relapse. I say that your husband's and your patience is a huge necessity on this one and try and understand it might not be always as simple as losing his turn on the computer. He will grow out of this behavior, at least my brother did, but we all had to make small changes in ours to help him through this process. Good luck to your family.