So my 11 yr old started her period about 6 months ago. My mom never took the time to explain to me what would be happening to my body and I was so consufed and embarassed, so I have made it a point that I want to be super open with my girls and I never want them to walk around feeling like I did. However, my daughter is having a really hard time with all the changes she's going through. First of all she does NOT look 11 she looks more like she's 15. She is in junior sized clothing which is another challange b/c not all clothes in junior sizes are appropriate for an 11 yr old. So not only does she look older she also has to dress older. I know that although her body has matured, her she still thinks like an 11 yr old so this is all really confusing to her. She is now getting her period every month, but she refuses to talk about it. I try to make her feel comfortable and I tell her that I go through it everymonth and that eventually all of her sisters will be going through it too but she says she doesn't want to talk about it because it's gross. The problem is that although I keep her pretty stocked up on pads and anything she could need to keep herself clean, she doesn't do a very good job at it, to the point that I can tell she's on her period by her just sitting next to me. She smells really bad :( I try to be nice about it but I'm getting kind of frustrated b/c she seems to not care that she smells bad. When I do laundry, all her undies are covered in blood. She hides stained clothing in her room and even her room smells bad. I ask her about the underwears but she just says that she needs bigger pads, so I bought her the super over nights and still, same problem. I remind her to change her pad often and she doesn't even answer me. She wears alot of dark jeans and honestly I don't think she's even using the pads. IShe is my eldest of 4 girls, so I'm learning with her and I tell her that too, "please be patient with me if I'm making you feel bad or uncomfortable about your period, I've never had to teach anyone about their period so I'm learning with you and I just want you to feel ok".....any advice?? TIA!
P.s I just don't want her to have an accident at school b/c I know how cruel kids can be.....and I know that it could affect her tremendously.I also forgot to mention that I have to constantly remind her, well push her, to use deodorant. She says she forgets.
Friends, thank you all so much for all the great advice. I think I'll be taking her to the book store this afternoon to pick up a copy of The Care and Keeping of You" I'm actually thinking of picking up 3 copies b/c I have 2 nieces the same age and my sister and Sil can probably use it too lol :) I think I'll get her some tampons, and let her experiment with them and see how she feels. A routine sounds good too, I have allready told her to change her pad each time she goes to the bathroom, but like some of you have said I can imagine that it would be hard for her to hide a pad at school. She has her sex ed class coming up and she allready told me that she doesn't want to see the video :) I told her I wanted her to b/c they will probably explain some stuff way better than me, she's still not too happy w/the idea lol, my poor girl :)
One more suggestion that I didn't see any of the other moms say (they had great ideas!!!) : Set up a consultation with her pediatrician or an OB/Gyn. Maybe a discussion with a doctor she trusts won't be as embarrising for her as talking to mom. Oh, byw, she's a typical pre-teen :)
Try looking for the "Long" pads too. I have always need the long ones with wings b/c it seems like the "normal" ones never caught the blood. My pad would be white and blood everywhere else! I hated it.
I also agree with trying tampons. Take her with you and let her pick what she would like to try and let her know that she doens't have to finish the box if they don't feel comfortable or ok and that you are more that willing to continue to buy different brands until she finds what is best.
Good luck
I agree with you, it's hard when they are young. My daughter is 10 and she doesn't shower unless I force her to and she doesn't change her underwear unless I personally check. She never remembers to wear her deodorant so I can't imagine what it would be like if she got her period. Young girls around that age aren't always into body cleanliness. My daughter also doesn't always remember to go to the bathroom and as a result she's wet her pants a tiny bit running there when it's almost too late! My daughter also smells, and one day I noticed she wasn't washing her lady bits because I could smell them! Ew! I had to supervise her showers for a month. So I know what you're going through.
What has helped is making a schedule for her. She lays out her clothes every night and I make sure she has clean underwear laid out. She showers every other day in the morning and I do check. She has a checklist that I have to go over with her that includes deodorant.
She has to go to the bathroom after every meal, this ensures she goes at least a few times a day.
What we're trying to do is make good habits. I know it's hard getting after them about stuff but once it's a habit you won't have to. She should change her pad every time she goes to the bathroom. Please teach her how to wrap it up and buy her moist wipes to keep in her purse. Using pads are messy, and even if you change them you still feel messy all over. They make moist wipes just for this purpose and they are portable. I believe one brand of pad has a moist wipe attached to each pad. Teach your daughter to use them.
Being 11, I would imagine that they still go to the bathroom as a group in school and they probably don't have time to grab a purse with a pad it it so I can see why your daughter might not change her pad. She doesn't want anyone to wonder about her and wonder why she's bringing a pad or a purse into the bathroom. See if you can talk to her teacher and see what's up. In grade school most of the girls don't carry purses like they do in middle school so there isn't anything for your daughter to put a pad in. The teacher might need to help your daughter remember to bring her purse, or allow her to go to the bathroom alone.
Good luck!
First - congrats on being so open with your daughter - what a good mom you are!!! :-)
When I was her age I was the only girl I knew that had a period - it was mortifying!!! I remember having such a HEAVY flow (your story made me think of this) and my mom accusing me of not wearing pads, not changing them regularly - etc - but I did! It was just so heavy and so bad I couldn't keep up with it!!! So she might just have a really really heavy flow and even the bigger pads aren't enough - or like another poster said - maybe she thinks they are supposed to last all day - or perhaps she just doesn't want to change them at school?
I wish I had started tampons earlier but my mom didn't tell me anything and didn't use them herself - so it was kinda a non issue at my house. I was also the first daughter to go through puberty - so by the time my sister's got there I think there were more choices. :-)
I think you are doing all the right things. Maybe you can take her for a Mom and Daughter night alone and discuss this stuff in the care where she can't get away and has to listen - lol - but I'm serious. :-)
Also - let her tell you she thinks it's gross - cause it totally is!!! I'm 38 and I still think it's some nasty azz shiz every month - so maybe if you can kinda commiserate with her she might feel more comfortable? I know it's supposed to be natural and blah blah blah but I've never really gotten past the gross factor myself. :-)
Good luck
I completely feel for her. Think about how her day goes, none of the other girls are dealing with periods so every time she has to go to the bathroom it is like a big red flag she is having her period. The other kids probably don't notice but she does.
If she was my daughter I would teach her how to use tampons. You can slip them out of your backpack right in front of someone and they don't notice. My older daughter started right off on tampons, just easier to hide.
First of all, you sound like a wonderful and caring mom! My mom never went into the nitty gritty of periods, either, so I had to muck through it myself. I remember enjoying Judy Blume's book "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret" at that age. The character discusses periods in the book.
I like the idea from Victoria about giving her a timeline of changing her pads; maybe every two hours? But yeah, they can get stinky. Have you thought about starting her on a very slender-style tampon, too? I know there are some out there for young girls. This would probably be better than just a pad by itself ... they can be very messy and leaky and tampons are more discreet! Good luck :)
Oh poor you and your daughter. What was it with OUR Mom's not being very helpful? Mine wasn't either....
I agree with the others, especially now that summer break is coming, I'd work on using tampons. I HATED pads when I was a tween/young teen. But, my mother used them, and never offered anything else. Once I finally (on my own in 11th grade) bought some tampons and tried them, I never looked back.
IMO - pads are gross. I hate the feeling of the blood leaking out of me, and I dislike the smell of them.
I was totally paranoid about having an accident at school, so once I started using tampons, I'd add a thin pad underneath and it made me worry less about leaking.
Keep working with her - mark your own calendar with her cycle so you are ready to help her even if she doesn't ask for it, especially this summer.
I remember my mom threw a box and a book at me and told me to read it and not show my brother and father. She even had rules about which trash cans I could throw the pads in. I never told her when I started and she was so upset, I wonder why...Anyway, I remember lots of accidents at school, even when I was wearing the stupid pad. It seemed like it went everywhere but on the pad. I could talk to my Aunt. Maybe your sister could talk to her if they are close. Sometimes it is just easier to talk to someone other than mom :(
Has she ever read "The Care And Keeping of You"? I gave it to my daughter on her 10th birthday last year, and she has been reading it every now and again since then. She will ask me questions about stuff that is brought up in the book. Usually at bedtime, when it is just me and her and brother and dad are not within earshot.
It might be a starting place to help her deal with her emotions and see how normal it is. And I'm pretty sure there are suggestions about what to do if ___ in there. (leaks, odors, etc).
Have you tried suggesting a time schedule for her to change her pads? Maybe she just has no idea and thinks they should last all day and it is wasteful to use more than that, or something. Think about it: we all know that our period flow is different from person to person, and even from day 1 to day 3 of our period---but she may NOT. ?
My daughter isn't at this point yet (it's coming soon, I think). The Care and Keeping of You is a good book that my daughter was pretty receptive to. Also, I'm wondering if maybe pads aren't the best option for your daughter? If she thinks they are gross, how about tampons or a Diva Cup or something like that? I never did like pads when I was that age, either. I always felt like people could see that I was wearing them somehow, plus that yucky feeling of the pads against your skin... anyway, tampons or a cup would reduce the smell, also. Just a thought.
Ugh. I had horrible periods when I first started. The pads just were not enough and leaked every single time. It is hard when you are young and hygiene just isn't at the top of your list but that's what moms are for right? I like the idea of a schedule to get her in the routine of regularly changing her pads. I too went the route of tampons early on since it was so much easier than pads. As far as her wearing junior size clothing, there are many junior clothing items that are not too mature looking! Try JC Penney's or Kohl's. My daughter is 14 and has been wearing junior sizes for years and dresses very conservatively. She does not have to dress older. You are such a good mom being open and understanding with her. The joys of mothering a daughter. We used to think boys were the stinky ones! ; )
It's because you are mom and moms aren't supposed to know everything about you, it's awkward:) To this day I can't talk to my mom about periods, it's horribly awkward but I can talk to my sisters, neices, strangers, you name it, just not my mom and I'm an adult!! My mom approached me horribly when it came to periods so maybe that is why I have such a hard time with anything "girl" related I can't discuss with her. I think if my own mother had joked about it with me, NOT congratulated me on getting my period and just quietly made sure I was always stocked with supplies without having to ask her etc... It would have made that transition easier for me. I vowed when my 2 girls hit puberty, I will do the exact opposite of what my mom did to me. It's not a "special" time, it's the end of the world to a young girl. If she is embarrassed about carrying pads/tampons with her, give her some money to go buy a cute little handbag with her friends that she can stuff things in and won't look silly walking around school with or let her buy a new hoodie with deep pockets that she can hide things in. Good luck!!
I think you need to privately take her downstairs and show her the underpants and say, "Look, I know this isn't easy, but let's work together here. I'm going to show you how to get these stains out. But you need to meet me partway and figure out what you need so this doesn't happen so much. Would you rather talk to me or do you want me to set up an appointment with your pediatrician?" A medical 3rd party may be easier to speak to. It is gross - but a lot less gross if you manage your needs better. My only concern about a tampon is that if she doesn't regularly change a pad, she may forget about the tampon and have other issues.
My mom was all "my baby is growing up!" and I did NOT want that. So if she's like that, then acknowledge that and work with it. But if she's not being hygienic then you really need to address it, hard as it is. She may be sullen and she may be embarrassed, but if blood soaks through the jeans, it's going to end up...on your furniture, on her school chair, etc. At least these days they make pads that are thinner (Infinity!). If the brand she has doesn't work for her, then she needs to try a few out. Her comment about bigger pads makes me wonder if she thinks she doesn't need to change them so often - hence the leaking and the smell. If she has a really heavy period, she may even be stuck with tampons AND pads. I feel for you because it's hard to help without some communication.
I also think the Care and Keeping of You book is very good for girls. Might give you a nice starting point and open the communication with you.
I only have a 3 year old daughter....but I grew up the same way and hope to have open communication too.
The only suggestion I have is to buy her books on the subject. If she is really to embarrased to talk about it...then reading about it may be ok.
I think, from talking with friends, there is an American Girl book on the subject as I am sure there are many many others. Amazon may be the place to go to check them all out.
I agree with the tampons. I have a 17 year old daughter and here's some pointers that I gave to her. Get some antibacterial body wash such as Dial for her. Use it instead of bar soap. It'll make her smell better and she'll feel cleaner. There are also some great body sprays at Bath & Body Works or Victoria's Secret PINK that are awesome smelling. Make sure she uses some good quality hair shampoo like the kind you buy at the salon. It will help minimize bad odors. It's important to sometimes shower more than once a day if you have a heavy flow. Get her plenty of black yoga pants (Victoria's Secret PINK has the teeny bopper styles) to wear. She's so young, but she'll learn in time how to care for herself.
Keep up the great work!
It sounds like you are doing what you can and this will just take some time. I do recommend the book "The Care and Keeping of You". Tampons and a Shower every night.
I was so scared and embarassed that I didn't say anything to my mom through my first period. I buried my bloody underwear outside. She must've still known because I was wearing white pants to school when I first got it. The second time I finally told her. I absolutely hated pads. I had to quit swimming because my mom "had no idea" how girls went swimming during their periods. Then, I discovered tampons and my period was so much less of an issue.
Tell her that with her period you want her to shower every night and to wear deodorant every day. You are there to make sure shew does these things. I remember my daughter didn't like brushing her hair because shee had so many snarls when she was younger. She then would wear it straightbut it was blonde/brown so looked greasy but I knew it was just washed. We look at pics now and wonder what the heck we were thinking. She also asks why I let her look that way. The worst thing that could happen is her friends will start making fun of her and say she smells then she'll want to curl up in a ball and hide. Get her pads with wings so it doesn't get on her underwear and tell her to change about 4x a day. Good luck. Please help her before she gets teased ..if she hasn't been already.
I dont know what your daughter's school is like, but when I was younger they only gave us 4 minutes between classes. That is barely enough time to go to your locker let alone go to the bathroom to change a pad. It can be really frustrating. For me it was easier to wear both a pad and tampon. A side note: I could never use the teen tampons they always slide out and alot of the other ones were to big at that age and hurt. The OB ones are great for younger girls though.
It sounds like she's just overwhelmed with the changes. It's scary. My mother didn't tell me anything about it, and I remember how embarressed and scared I was. It's also difficult because it means your growing up, and to a child, bleeding out of your... there spot... should NOT have to be part of growing up. It feels wrong and unfair. She might not like it, but maybe you should ask her if she would like to talk to someone besides you about it. Take her to a gynocologist or even a therapist to discuss it, and they can talk to her openly about it and give her tools, both physical tools like the right pads, and the mental tools to handle this life change. Just because she's not comfortable talking to you about it doesn't mean she's uncomfortable to talk about it at all. I'm guessing her friends have not started their period? If they have ask her if she talks to them about it. Obviously they're not the best source of information, but at least she will be talking.
Just take it slowly. I think she's just very overwhelmed. I'm so sorry to hear she's having such problems with this, it breaks my heart.
I want to suggest another book that is going to seem really odd but once you read it you will understand why it is important. It is "Taking Charge Of Your Fertility". It isn't just about getting pregnant or avoiding pregnancy but it has wonderful information about knowing your body and your cycle. I do suggest you read it first and see if you want your daughter to read it. I suggest the book to any female I know. I even bought it for my cousin because she was having issues and I wanted her to learn more so she could better handle talking with her doctor about her issues.
Ugh, I was scarred very young about all this. My mom one night decided to give me "the talk" when I was 7! I was so grossed out but I remember it like it was yesterday. None of it made any sense to me. But when I did start I was 12, it was the last day of school, and I remember telling myself "Oh great, this sucks". I called my mom at work and told her. She asked if I needed her to come home and I said no. I had already had the sex ed class, too. I was more irritated than anything because I knew I had 30+ years of this headache to come. Mom told me over the phone where her pads were and that was it. I'd just tell her when I needed some. I'm not what I would call "comfortable" to this day talking to anyone about it even though it's perfectly normal.
Sounds like you're doing all you can and poor thing is just so young it's just an embarrassing and overwhelming thing to be going through. I hope the book will help and now that she's entered "womanhood", maybe once a month doing a womanly thing together like go get mani/pedis or something. Make her feel included in our wonderful circle and just be there for her.
