Points to Consider Before Having More Kids

Whatever the two of you decide, PLEASE at least CONSIDER ADOPTING additional kids if you want them --- there are tens of thousands of kids who need homes, and yes, there are babies available, and yes, there are healthy kids available, and yes, the County Department of Social Services will often pay a stipend, and offer other benefits, to help you raise a child you adopt through them.

I've always said not to have more kids than the number of adults living in the house. So you have the ability to give adult 1 on 1 attention to every child.

1) You both should be on board with any more kids.

2) I think you should take it one kid at a time. Don't immediately say it has to be 4 kids. Even if you agree to 3 kids, you may change your mind at that point.

Hi R.,
I have 2 girls, ages 7 and 4. My husband really wanted a third, and I wasn't sure. Well, we decided to wait and think about it some more in a few years. I'm glad we did because once our girls got into sports, ballet, cheer, music lessons, and both of them in private school with tons of homework... it became clear very quickly that there was no way we could handle a third child! I mean this both emotionally, financially, and just the simple ability to get everyone where they need to go. To me, I felt it important for every child I have, to be able to have all the experiences I wanted for them. To me, this meant the best schools, and the ability for them to play whatever sports or activities they would like, within reason. You'll be amazed, when your kids get to be this age, just how expensive it can be when Little Princess wants to join the cheer squad ($400/year for the uniforms plus $70/month for the coaching... no joke.) Then there's ballet, where not only do you get to pay for the lessons, but your little darling's feet will grow out of her cute little ballet shoes every 3 months indefinitely. What do you do when the ballet recital practices conflict with the other kid's soccer game? Of course, all of this is just part of being a parent, but the more kids you have, the crazier your life will be. If I had realized how hectic and expensive the life of a grade-schooler would be, I may have chosen just to have one!

My husband, who insisted that he wanted 3 kids? He went and had a vasectomy last summer after a few weeks of having to take both kids to swimming lessons, ballet, and gymnastics when I was at work and the nanny was on vacation! LOL So I say, give it a few years. Re-evaluate when they're both in school and you know a little more what their interests will be and how you'll be able to manage it all.

My husband wanted 3 and I did as well until both my mother and sister shared the following vision of the future with me. It's so easy right now to think that having a 3rd will round out your family but consider the following:

Your husband will be working while you are taking care of the kids, you have two hands to hold two children...a third is a juggle and when one goes running into a crowd of people, you can't just leave the other two behind.

Wait until you start sports, homework, school field trips, vacations, camping, making school lunches, back-to-school shopping, flying on planes with all 3 kids, all the extracurricular activities. Besides the obvious expense of having another child, you will not get much down time to yourself....at all! Your weekends will be filled with a full day of soccer on Saturdays, soccer practices for each child...or baseball, drama whatever they're into. Your evenings will be filled with helping all 3 children with homework, shuttling them to and from their friends houses, school and practices. If they play an instrument...you'll be sitting with all of them after school helping them practice because they can not do it alone.

The amount of noise, mess, fighting and chaos will create more stress between you and your husband as you'll both be yelling a lot...and you won't have time to read all the child behavior books to figure out how to deal with it.

Let's talk about your sex life...getting time alone will be very challenging. Then there is the flu season, when you get sick...you still have to take care of all 3 kids and drive them to all their activities. Story time at night....you can easily divide up between two parents with two kids so they each get one-on-one time.

Then there's college to think about (3 private college tuitions...have you seen what the tuition is these days? It will only keep going up).

Most of the women I see with 3 kids look very tired unless there is a full time nanny in the house.

Then there is the possibility of divorce or death of a spouse...it is very difficult to find another mate who will want to take on 3 step kids....two maybe.

All food for thought. My sister, who is 8 years older than I shared this same advice with me when I considered having a 3rd. I'm so grateful to her now. Sticking with two was the best decision my husband and I could have ever made.

Just food for thought. Good luck with your decision

HI R.,

I read a bunch of the responses and wow,,,what a range!! You seem to have struck a note with some. Honestly, I feel like this is a decision that can only be made by really working it out with your husband. None of us know the dynamic of your relationship or what is truly important to you as a couple and family....

We pondered the same question after the birth of our second child. I come from a large family (6 kids) and there are pros and cons to that. I wanted 4 children because I didn't want to have the "left out kid" in the middle or also in our case, since we have a boy and a girl, we'd then have 2 of one sex and 1 of the other to gang up on each other. I thought 4 was the perfect number... until someone told me that they came from a family of 4 and they still had 2 against two! That blew my theory!

In the end for us, we really had to consider how much we could handle financially (we don't believe that money is the most important thing in life and we don't live beyond out means, but another child certainly would have made things tight for us.) Luckily this doesn't sound like an issue for you.

The bigger issue was the time and attention we wanted to be able to give our kids. Right now they are almost 6 and 4 and with the beginning of school and other activities life is very, very, busy. And we don't even have the kids enrolled into a bunch of extra stuff!! Occasionally I would say that I wanted to have another baby and then the kids would get the stomach flu and that idea was out the window!! You're so out numbered with more than two.

I do believe that children are a blessing. I love my children more than anything and truly feel that they are the best thing I have ever done, but we are stopping at 2 because that is what is best for our family. I think it is important to consider what is best for the family as a whole and how another child would impact you, your husband, your two children and the baby!

I completely disagree with people who say 'I come from a big family and my parents did it... have more kids!" We live in a very different world than we used to. And even then, if all 6 kids (in my family's case) came out beautifully... that is an anomaly. Parenting is tough and the more kids you have the tougher it becomes in all kinds of ways.

The answer will come... and you do have a little bit of time to decide on this as far as your biological clock. It sounds like you want to have the kids close together if you do decide to have more, but I would make sure that it is truly what BOTH you and your spouse want.

Hope this helps! Good luck with your decision!

I feel for you because I know that desire to have more children tells you when you are and when you are NOT finished and it speaks strongly, doesn't it? But I believe a good rule in marriage, is on the big things, such as the decision to have more children, the "no"'s win. Decisions such as bringing new life for which you will both be responsible and which will completely change the direction of your life, into the world, we need to both agree. If one isn't up for such a huge change, we have to respect that. I know it would hurt a lot but it won't hurt forever like that. Try to think of all the positives about having just the two blessings you have and imagine the pain for people who can't even have one. There are many positives to having two children. I have three and love it, but when I see parents with one or two, I see the positives they have in having "the perfect family" with 2 kids. I could list them but I'm not sure if this is helping you as I know some advice touches us more than others. I'd be happy to chat with you more about in a private message if you like. Good luck, I really do understand your pain and am not brushing over it like it's nothing. Take care and good luck.

I have 2 girls aged 12 and 13 and twins on the way. I never in a million years thought I would 4 children, but my current husband (not the father of my girls) and I wanted to have children together and my girls wholeheartedly support it. I'm not sure I could have handled more kids with 2 so young, but I am looking forward to more now.
I guess my point is, you have to go with what feels right to both of you. Yes, you will be busy with more. Yes you will have more expenses. Yes you will have less time for yourself. Yes you will have less time for each individual child. AND you will have more love, more potential for fun and creativity, potentially more fulfillment.
I think the idea of adoption is a good one. I would have considered it, but I wanted for my husband and I to go through the whole experience together from conception to adulthood and he wanted a little one who is truly his own blood. But again, this has to be what feels right to both of you.

Good luck whatever you choose :)

What a tough choice. We're trying to decide right now whether or not to have 2 kids instead of 1. My husband doesn't really want one. I'm waffling.

I think there are two things to consider, what you want your kids to have and who's doing the rearing.

Most people I talk to say don't think about finances, it'll all work out. I say one should. Taking care of your finances is very important. Making sure we earn enough to save up for retirement/college/emergency is important to me. Of course, lots of people go w/o that. Again, it depends on what kind of life you want yourself and your kids to have.

I grew up pretty poor and it worked out for our family and we're close. However, for my daughter, I want her to go to private school to acquire a second language for cultural reasons. It's very very important to me. This is why I'm contemplating not having a 2nd kid. Having more kids means making sacrifices on what material goods or activities that cost money. I think people do have to remember that and as long as they're okay with it, then it's all good. I'm not quite sure I am because I see private schooling as an investment, to make sure she doesn't lose her roots.

Secondly, who's going to take care of the child? Maybe your husband wants to have 4 kids because he's not the primary caregiver and he doesn't see the day-to-day struggles/issues. I think it's easier for someone who doesn't have to deal w/ tantrums and potty training, etc, full time to say they want 4 kids. Would your husband feel the same way if he had to spend a whole week taking care of the children full time? Personally I think that the person who's the primary caregiver gets more say than the other person.

Hi R.,

Actually, I think your first responder missed the most important question you are asking. One of you is satisfied with your family size and one of you wants to have two more children. That being said, all the other information is helpful, but is only part of the answer. AND, it's not the most important part.

The only way you should "make the leap" is if BOTH of you agree that you want another child. I am assuming that you have no religious objections to birth control, or you wouldn't be talking about the decision. Bringing an unwanted child into the world is, IMHO, a cruel thing to do to that child. Too many are born to save a marriage, hang onto a boyfriend, etc. Betting on the possibility that once the child arrives all will be well is a pretty risky thing to do and the child will be the one who pays the biggest price.

Not all children are planned and many of the "surprises" are wonderful and loved additions to the family. But, to purposely trick a spouse into having another child is certainly not the answer either.

The two of you need to make time when you can sit down without the kids and really talk this through. Be honest about the pros and cons of having another baby. Maybe even consider sitting down with a counselor or a trusted friend/family member who can be totally objective and help you focus on the bigger picture of your future with more children and without more children. This is not a "leap" that you should make unless both of you are ready to take it.

Now about me: When my first husband and I found we were unable to have children of our own, I really pushed adoption and my husband "agreed". We adopted a baby. My husband basically ignored him for the most part unless he became obnoxious. Then he disciplined him totally out of proportion to what he had done. When our marriage finally ended, the first thing he said was that it would never have happened if we had not adopted our child. And that was only one child which we could easily afford and we had plenty of family support. So I speak from that experience also.

R., I know how sometimes you (or your spouse) want more children. The one thing I would suggest you think about is: what do you think your children's future will be like? How do you think climate change/peak oil and all their ramifications will affect the two children you have now? What about having four? I looked at the expenses of a second child, and the conditions of the world, and I said no. If I can keep him safe and try to make the world better, that's what I'll do. But you might want to consider that adding more biological children might not be such a good idea. Fortunately, there are many foster children available, and some of them are adoptable. You might want to consider that...

E.

Wow, some of the responses that you have gotten are pretty rude. Well, I think that there is room for some discussion. I also want four kids, and the hubs thinks that 2 is plenty. So, here is what we are doing. His reasons are financial, and he would go for one more, but I come from a family of three girls, and one of us was always ganged up on. So, three isn't really working for me. But, I am willing to compromise, so, we have decided that for sure one more, and that we still starting trying when Cammy is 18 months old, and go from there. Why set my sights on four if I don't know how I will feel with three? The thing that I have learned about the future is that there are no guarantees, so don't waste too much time fighting about something that isn't certain. So, maybe talk about having one more baby, and see how that goes.

Think of the mental tax. Will you be able to spread yourself out and fully cover the needs of three children? If something does happen and you find yourself alone do you have a skill set that will allow you to care for them (not just divorce, death, moving?) Will you be able to compromise with two children? There are a lot of decisions, and making them together is always a plus. Just make sure that you are fully hearing his side of the issue, and trying to look at things from his side. In the end whatever is meant to happen will.

Hello R.: Becasue I didn't wantto be influenced by any other responces I didn't read them before writting to you. So this is from my heart.
I feel that all children are a blessing and a gift. I wanted to have several but we fought hard to have our 4, then took in other's children to add to our family. We have 4 by birth, 1 foster child that we raised but never adopted, and several others we raised and 12 that we are close to this very day.
If we had looked at the money-- we never could have afforded it so we just looked at our hearts and the love we have to give.
It ment camping vs fancier trips but we have continued the camping trips with the next generation and there is nothing nicer than seeing several of your children as adults as parents campng together! Everyone may have not worn the latest fashion or 100.00 dollar shoes but they know a foundation of love, selflessness, and courage. I say courage, becasue when my husband was ill then dying, we had children from many areas that were calling, coming to help me and help their father. He was surrounded with the love of them and the grandchildren. Our oldest is exactly 12 years older than her baby brother. They tease one another about who is the luckiest. The #5 child I always say was the best pregancy I ever had. She was a teen when we got her.
We were living all over the globe because we were military, and then settled down in the same town that my husband grew up in, near his folks. It has been the best blessing to have. At one point Grandma, knew who had boyfriends/girlfirends, before we did, she knew all the secrets, and was a great keeper of the secrets. I will pattern myself after her tender example. But I say go forthe gold and have another child. Bring someone into this world tat will make a differance for good and help the world be better becasue they are here. I know that your lives will be blessed for that. I know that my children have been more adventuous thanany theme park ride, and more fun than Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer in how curious and creative they are. I promise you I would never have done a thing different. No it wasn't always easy, fun, convient, or smart--- but when is anything that is worthwhile??? It takes effort, hard work, and determination and desire to give it your all. Good Wishes in your decision, Nana Glenda

We have four kids and love it! Now they are 18, 16, 13, and 10. They fight at times, but they are also close and I think that relationship will stand the test of time. We were lucky in that there was no real discussion about how many kids. We both sort of knew. it's important that both of you come to some resolution. Otherwise one my feel cheated out of kids or the other resents having so many. Either situation can ruin a marriage. Years ago I worked with a lady who wanted more kids and her husband did not. She told him he was in charge of birth control. She got her third child. I am not sure if I could have done this, but always thought it was an interesting concept.

ummmm.. well one never knows for sure what the future will hold in terms of financial matters and you can never plan enough. Now with that said, IF you truly know deep down you WANT more kids.. begin now..... why? because just because you may have conceived the first two easily, doesn't mean you will the second. you are still young enough to begin trying and IF you conceive right away great, but if you don't and have waited until a bit older, you will then have regretted trying earlier. my vote is DO IT NOW..... it sounds like you have a loving and supportive family nearby so I am sure they would stand by the decision to have more. I am not the type either to have more kids beyond my financial means, in fact I have one, but I also know other friends who waited until they were older and now, well it's much harder to conceive.
best of luck to you

I think since one of you is done, that answers your question. You can't force someone to have more kids - that will just bring on problems.

Dear R.,
I really think this is a decision that has to be made and agreed on by both husband and wife. Little babies are so sweet and cute that I think it's kind of natural to want another one. But, your youngest is only one. Imagine trying to be pregnant and juggle another pregnancy and and baby 9 months from now. It's not a cake walk.
My kids were born 10 years apart. I was told I could never have children, so I was so happy and thankful for my daughter. I got the surprise of my life when I got pregnant with my son. I wanted another baby after that, for sure, but had a hysterectomy when he was a year old. I'm very happy with my two blessings. My daughter is 23 and I told her the other day it's time for her to get married and have a baby. Her little brother is 14 and we're running behind on having a new baby in the family.
I was teasing her, of course. But I am looking forward to that.
I wouldn't be in a rush to worry about having another baby unless or until you and your husband are in full agreement on it. It's not like buying a new car...it's bringing another life into the world and it will change the family dynamic that at least one of you is very happy with as things are.

Enjoy your precious little ones each day and I hope you and your husband will come to an agreement that is best for your family.

I think two parents have to be completely in sync re: number of children. So many marriages even under the best of circumstances have many pressures and the marriage ends in divorce. Imagine the pressure of 2 additional kids. I also question why anyone living in this crowded world with dwindling resources would have more than 2 kids. Our planet cannot take it. Beyond everything else, it just sounds selfish on the part of the person that wants 4! kids. You might be able to push and manipulate your way into it, but is is the right thing to do, morally and ethically? And is it the right thing to do for your marriage and your existing kids? t

From my personal experience, pushing someone past their comfort zone doesn't put them in the best position to do well. If one member of a parental pair doesn't feel they want/can parent any more children, I think it is important to listen.

It sounds like the 'one' of you that wants to have 4 children is trying to find convincing arguments to persuade the other 'one' that they do want more kids, when really they may not, instead of listening to why they don't.

That one needs to decide whether 2 kids and a healthy marriage is enough for them or if they'd rather risk the marriage so they can have more offspring. Having been that one, I know how hard it can be to compromise. Good Luck and good Love.