My serious boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. They were separated before the child was born and she has not developed a relationship with anyone else he has dated. The mother has majority custody with my boyfriend having Thursdays and the 1st,3rd,5th weekend of the month. We have been together for 6 months and are very happy and supportive of each other and are both sure we want our relationship to grow and progress to the next level. As a child of divorce I can understand the sensitive issues concerning introduction of new people into the family, so I want to make sure that things do not move too fast for his daughter and that I am a positive figure, who doesn't threaten her relationship with dad.
We have gone on a couple of little outings and they have come over to my house to swim. She has behavioral issues. When I talked to my boyfriend about this, he flat out said, "I know, her mother doesn't discipline her, she's clueless." She does not work, and is not active with the child. She is eligible to start pre-k this year (she is a bright child- she just needs direction) but the mother is not enrolling her because "she just doesn't know if she can get there by 8 in the morning." They (BF and daughter) came to pick me up for dinner once and she was wearing princess dress up heels. Sure enough, she fell and proceeded to throw fits and whine at the drop of a pin for the rest of the evening. The next time it was plastic shoes to the playground and she got a blister and the same thing happened. These are things that seem like common sense to me- inappropriate clothing is inappropriate for a reason and children have to be taught how to tell the difference and make good decisions.
Her mother let's her do what ever she wants and lets her sleep in mommy's bed- every night- wearing pull ups! When he spoke to her about encouraging big girl panties- she said "well maybe we'll try that when she sleeps in her own bed" but she has no intention to make/let her do it , her 11 year old son wore pull-ups until he was 7 and now acts like he's 8. My boyfriend managed to potty train her and take her off the bottle on his weekend visits and she has no problems sleeping in her bed without accidents. Now she's at the age where she wants everything- and she doesn't get it with her dad, she doesn't want to stay with him (he still takes his visits and she does stay- but its a fight every time). By day 3 shes much better behaved, but still throws tantrums complete with uncontrollable screaming. Although childless, I have friends that have kids the same age that never act that way.
Every time he approaches his ex about something she basically says whatever she thinks he wants to hear to get him off of her back. This is something that he talks to me about a lot and I don't really know how to respond.
Is there anything he can do? What is my place? Help me please!
Thanks Lynn (see response below)! I know the shoes and the chocolate milk aren't the end of the world- but it is the lack of overall discipline that causes her bad behavior. He would take her full time in an instant- if he had legal reason to, but at this time he doesn't and he doesn't want to make things worse for his daughter.
He would rather his ex step up and be a good parent- but from what he says, its been a losing battle. What can be done to help her realize she is making things hard on her daughter by not setting a good example and teaching her how to behave?
No one can change that mother's behavior but her. Unfortunately, that is a fact. If it doesn't change, it's likely the little girl will struggle. You have to seriously decide if you can deal with that. Much of it is acceptance as you can't control someone else's behavior (an adult). Good luck!
Unfortunately this is the extras that comes when being with someone who has children from a previous relationship. The only thing you can really do is just be the best you guys can be when you have her. Unless the dad wants tries to get more custody, the mother is going to do what she does and you will have to deal with the effecs from that. Its what makes it so hard to be with someone with that kind of "baggage"
All you can do is be a good example for this little girl. Show her how to act, model good behavior and be supportive of your boyfriend.
As far as the clothes, I have a son who dresses up as a super hero and I see no big deal with it. Keep appropriate shoes in the car for her and tell her she needs to change into them before playing in the park.
The co-sleeping is also not a big deal. She may need extra comfort at night. Her parents are split and this little girl's world is rocky right now.
She needs a lot of positive attention and she may be acting out just to make sure she gets attention. Some kids are this way. Give her all the hugs, cuddles and positive attention you can. She needs to feel safe and secure. When she starts a tantrum, simply walk away until it ends.
At 4, my son is night trained but he still has accidents from time to time. Some kids do not fully night train until they are older. Maybe give this little girl the option to wear night time undies at dads house and maybe mom will get on board.
As far as preschool is concerned, if dad is willing to drop her off maybe an arrangement can be made with the mom to pick her up?
You know first hand the hurt and all of the feelings that happens to kids of divorce. Make sure this little girl is lifted up, loved and accepted fully by you.
Good Luck to you
As his girlfriend you should support him by listening and being helpful in the advise you offer and reenforcing his rules. Be cautious that you aren't overly criticial...bad behavior or not she is still his baby girl.
I let my daughter wear the wrong shoes sometimes but tell her that when we get to the park she has to put on her sneakers before she can play. I don't debate it with her, I just switch the shoes before I get her out of the car.
As for chocolate milk, nothing wrong with that. Milk is better than a lot of alternatives. As for the potty training, mom really needs to get on board!
As for pre-k, can your boyfriend offer to get her there by 8 am? If he could but not because of the custody arrangement is he wanting to change that arrangement (not just for school but because that is what he wants)? Kids need structure...they also need to be kids but they need a routine.
Oh, A. you are living my life 10 years ago!! I was in much the same position you are. My bf had a 4 yr old daughter, mom was clueless, sd was never dressed for the weather, occasion, etc. At one point her preschool had to speak with my husband about her clothes b/c her mom kept sending her in summer dresses in November. And yes they spoke with her several times. Not to mention the sleeping in bed with mom, the tantrums, the screaming and on on on....
I can only tell you this. Sit down with your bf and you should both REALLY talk about what each of you think is the right way to deal with his daughter. You should both be aware of the others thoughts and feelings about some of the issues you're facing. It sounds like your bf is a wonderful father but the last thing you want is to wake up one morning and realize that while he's ok with her climbing into bed with you at 2 in the am but you're uncomfortable with that (just an example)
After that, just be supportive to him. I'm ashamed to admit that I wasn't always and sometimes found myself caught in some kind of war with sd's mom so that everything became a power struggle. If at all possible for your bf or even you to get his daughter to pre k even if you split the week, that may be your best bet. She would definitely benefit from the socializing with other kids.
For a bit of hope, my sd is now 14 and she's a wonderful girl!! We have a good relationship (and it used to be pretty rocky) and she's fairly responsible with pretty good judgement. I do not hesitate to say that she benefited hugely from the influence of my hubby, his family, my family and myself.
Good luck to you and your bf b/c it will be a hard road ahead. Especially with a clueless mom in the picture.
A.,
My guess is that you don't have children of your own. If you had a 4 year old girl, you would know that the shoes thing and the pull-ups thing is pretty normal. Yes, kids need to be taught about inappropriate clothing, but THE WAY kids learn about stuff like that is trial and error. Wearing the dress up heels a couple of times and falling is one way to learn that it probably isn't the best choice. Same thing with rubbing a couple of blisters. You'd probably faint if you set foot in DisneyWorld when you saw all of the little 4-7 year olds running around in princess dress up clothes. Again, that is fairly typical behavior. I like the suggestions you've gotten from other moms about bringing a spare outfit and shoes along on your outings. As for the pull-ups at night, a lot of 4 year olds do not yet have the necessary physiological development to be 100% night-time potty trained. Night-time potty training is NOT the same as day-time. Her body has to be developed enough to physically hold the urine in and many, many children her age just aren't physically capable of doing that. Any pediatrician would tell you that it is absolutely fine for a 4-year old to still be wearing pullups at night. They really won't even consider it to be a problem until the age of 6. Co-sleeping is also not a big deal. In fact, there are lots of benefits to co-sleeping (check out Dr. Sears' opinion on this subject). She may just be in need of extra comfort at night. That seems pretty obvious considering her parents split up. Tantrums - again pretty normal for kids this age and again normal considering what has gone on with her parents, although, she should be getting out of that stage soon. She may just need extra positive attention. It sounds like everybody involved could benefit from learning how to deal with the tantrums, though. There is a great book called Parenting With Love and Logic that I think could help all of you with the tantrums and knowing how to handle them. I also like the idea of offering to pick her up and take her to Pre-K in the mornings.
At then end of the day, you really need to stay out of it as much as possible. Support your boyfriend, offer advice when you can, but you are not this little girls mom. You need to model good behavior for this little girl, but no matter how hard you try, you cannot control her or her mom. Yes, he could probably take her back to court, but no judge in his right mind is going to take away her custodial rights for the things you've mentioned. You also need to decide if this is something you can live with or not. If it is going to be a divisive issue in your relationship, you might as well get out now. She will always be his daughter and you can either support that or not.
I worked with a boy who had divorced parents and an older sister. I quickly learned that many children have different personalities/behavior from one parent's house to the other parent's house. In this case the sister was completely wild, and the brother was very whiny and tantrumish at Mom's, while they were both manageable at Dads/stepmom's house.
You can't change people.
All you can do is provide the best guidance and structure you can in your home, and hope that the child absorbs something from it.
I only read a few of the responses, so if I am repeating...sorry. But, I do have to say that your concerns say a lot about you. You seem to care about this little girl and that is the most important thing. As the child of divorce (and having dealt with two step-mothers over the years), I think it is important for all parents to be involved with the raising of the child. If you truly love your BF and you are prepared to deal with the ex for the rest of your life, there are a lot of things you can do.
Yes, some of the things you mention are normal for a 4 y/o, but if she is acting differently and is able to go dry through the night at her dad's house, then it probably is laziness.
At 4, she is old enough to learn reasoning and this is something you can begin to teach her. With the shoes, after she calmed down you could talk with her (notice I say with) and ask her if she remembers that the last time she wore "dress-up shoes" she fell or got a blister or whatever, teach her...it's the perfect opportunity. The next time you get ready to head out, mention something like "remember the last time you wore those shoes, you got a blister and it really hurt and made for a not so fun time." Give her the power, and give her a chance to be in control in a positive way.
I don't agree with the whole, this is none of your business. Maybe it's not your place now, but if you marry him, it will be your business. As you will want to raise this child the same as you would your biological children. Remember, you are in a very sticky spot. Regardless of whether the ex is a good mom, you will likely always be the bad guy. But if you are looking long term with your BF, it is important that you develop a trusting relationship with his children. I could write for days about the importance of step-parents being involved with the step-children. You may not be married to her daddy now, but you could be in the future and it is important that the two of you show a united front and take raising your children as a team effort. I
If your boyfriend really wants to help his child he will need to spend more time with her. Sounds like the mother is VERY lazy and why would she protest (as long as he doesn't SAY I want more time because you're not stepping up to the plate) Just ask to take her out more or have her spend the night a few more times cuz he misses her. This poor little girl will be very unhappy in school and the world because the world will not revolve around her. And there is no way you can change how another adult parents their child. You cant change the bio Mom but it sounds like Daddy is being a great influence on daughter and I hope he continues with your support. Keep another pair of shoes- cute sneakers, (and maybe an outfit) that LIVE in Daddy's car. good luck! PS You shouldnt discipline her -that's Daddy's job unless you are alone with her. My hubby started disciplining my kids too soon, he should have built a relationship first.
it is not your place to say or do anything about this situation. this must be handled between the father and mother of the child. recognize that this is how its going to be with the kids. the 11 yr old is your best example of how neither parent was or is doing there job. they were seperated when she was pregnant with the second child. so your bf was there raising the first child and from what your saying he didnt do his job while he was there. but again its not your place to raise his kids espically when he didnt make the effort to do so.
It's unfortunate for you that he made a baby with this woman. Most likely she'll never change. All your BF can do is make clear the rules for his home and the consequences for breaking the rules. Even if that screws up the weekend visit by staying in. Support him and listen to him.
Think long and hard about putting yourself into this relationship permanently. She's 4....this conflict will most likely go on for 12 more years. Good luck!
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but stay out of it. Just be supportive of your BF and let him handle things. In time he will either step up or not. Whatever the case, this is not your responsibility. You will only make things harder on yourself. At this point you need to decide if this is something you can live with or not. If not then I suggest you leave the relationship because the situation will not change because of you. You can't make this woman be a better mother and neither can your BF. Either accept it and hope it gets better or move on knowing it won't. Good Luck to you and and I hope you get through it. It took me 3 years to realize what I just told you.
He can always sue for custody... just document EVERYTHING because he will have to prove she is an unfit mother.
It sounds like your BF may be doing a lot of the parenting work in some respects. Just listen to him and be understanding when he wants to talk, you don't have to try and fix the situation (unless he asks for suggestions or advice). Unless he wants more time with her it may be difficult to make changes. I think it would be a good idea to push for the preschool if at all possible (is your BF willing to pick her up and take her to school?). It has really helped my 4 year old be more social with peers and understand some rules are for all the time, not just at home. Yes, it can be a big pain to get a preschooler out the door for school. But her other child is school age so she has to be up anyway (as opposed to having a younger child at home).
Playing dress up is fine, just work on appropriate footwear. A princess dress and pretty rubber sole shoes is a reasonable compromise (they are easy to find in the store). Your boyfriend and you may be teaching her a lot that she will not learn from her mom. Just make sure you are okay with having that role before you make a serious commitment.
Well, he can always contest the custody order. And, at a bare minumum, he needs to put his foot down when she is with him. Just because mom allows her act out, does not mean that dad has to accept it. He can explain to his daughter that we don't
act like this
wear this outside
throw tantrums..........
The best way to deal with a tantrum, imho, is to ignore it. Walk away, act like it is not happeneing. The purpose is to get attention, no attention = no tantrums.
The clothing issue, when dad picks her up he should have an outfit ready in the event that she is dressed innapropriately.
Only time and consistency can make things change. All you can do is support him in his decisions. You can provide him with ideas and suggestions but, and this is very important, dont push him......it is his child and his decision. And if his way of handling this doesn't sit well with you you may want to rethink the relationship. She will always be his daughter and you dont wanna disagree on such a major issue forever.
I have no advice regarding this poor little girl who will continue to struggle in life if her mom doesn't step up.
My caution to you is that if you marry your boyfriend, you will also be in a struggle relationship with his daughter's mother for the rest of your life. Decide if you can live with her controlling your household through her relationship with your boyfriend and the girl who may one day be your step-daughter before going farther.
You need a mature mate. You asking for trouble with your eyes open. Find someone else. You would be a lot happier. It will only get worse!
