Potty Training - Bristol,RI

I could have written this post myself. This is exactly what I am going through with my 39-month-old. I asked his pediatrician for suggestions. She told me that he should be physically capable at this point and it's a matter of mindset. She said that what works for a lot of parents is to have him pick a date on the calendar that he agrees will be the day he starts using the potty. Then, lay off of the potty training attempts until that day. This way he'll feel like his in control. I'm a little skeptical of if it will work for my strong-willed boy, but I'm going to give it a try anyway. He's agreed to the day after Thanksgiving, so I'm going to print out a calendar for November today to put a sticker on each day to count down. Wish me luck, and good luck to you!

Hi A.,
Don't stress yourself out! My son did not potty train until he was almost 4. I got comments from everyone out there as to why he was still in diapers at his age, I can't believe he's not potty trained yet, my kid did it at 2, blah blah blah. Well guess what - only a Mom knows their child and I knew my son. He wasn't ready. I made a decision early on not to force the issue of potty training on him and I stuck to that. The month leading up to it, we talked at length and read book after book about the potty and recognizing when you have to go pee or poop, etc. About a week before, I started talking to him about when we were going to stop wearing diapers and start using the potty. We talked about it every day that week and then finally the day arrived. When he woke up that morning I took his diaper off and that was that! There was a little apprehension at first and he had 1 accident (pee) the first morning but otherwise, he trained in a weekend - both night and day (although I did keep a pull up on him at night for the first month just in case). Pooping took about a week til he was really comfortable. He was a bit scared of that but eventually got through it. I used a reward system which helped. I was sooo glad that I waited and took cues from my son on when he was ready to train. Your boy will do it - it just might be on his own schedule, that's all. Good luck to you!!

-A. B.

I think some of the standard methods (sticker charts, etc) may work fine for younger kids but with the older ones, not so much. They have such strong will that they need to exert now. My DD was 3.5 when she finally learned. She definitely had the physical ability (she was even dry every night), she had ZERO interest.

If he sees your stress and frustration he may just refuse to go along with the plan. Do whatever you can to totally chill about it and let it go. DD was at home, not preschool, but all her friends (even much younger) were out of diapers but that made no impact at all on her. She is also very bright. Just wouldn't do it until SHE wanted to. I stopped using pull ups. If she wouldn't use the potty, diapers it was. I told her when the diapers we had were gone, we were not buying more. She totally disagreed! But then within the week one day she informed me that when the diapers were gone we were not getting anymore. I put her on the potty in front of the tv in the am (we don't do a lot of screen time) and she sat there until she pooped, so she knew she could do that. A couple days later she said she wanted to wear underwear and I told her if she did, she needed to use the potty. That was the end of diapers for us. She had 1 accident when she was too busy to go to the bathroom but that was that.

I think if you have a kid who doesn't care if he's sitting in wet/dirty pants then putting underwear on them isn't all that helpful for getting him to stop. I personally was not interested in cleaning dirty underwear every day either, so that's why we put the diapers back on full time. It didn't take long at all with DD once she was totally ready and I absolutely presented a completely calm no pressure front to her (though it was stressing me out). So try to let it go and he might just be ready to decide he'll do it. Remember it is one of the few things he has complete control over and if you make it into a battle, you won't win.

My son wasn't ready either - lots of accidents until age 4. I gave up pushing him because it wasn't healthy for either of us. It has nothing to do with whether he is bright enough, so don't worry about it. Don't take any pressure on yourself from others. He is developing great in other areas, and as they say, "He won't go to kindergarten in diapers."

There is a developmental process and not all kids do everything at the same rate, as you know. This one walks early, that one talks early, this was has great fine motor skills, that one doesn't. Our pediatrician says it all evens out for the vast majority of kids unless there are delays, which usually you see in more than one area.

Some kids (like mine) also have problems with bedwetting - it's call nocturnal enuresis and it means they just don't wake up, the "bladder-to-brain" signal just isn't developed for a long time - often into the teen years. Some kids need medication for this. We spoke to a pediatric urologist about it and he said he sometimes has high school kids on it. It's just one of those things. It has NOTHING to do with maturity, will power, intelligence, stubbornness, or anything else. I'm not saying this will happen to your child - I'm just saying, ride it out and see what happens.

Afterthought - maybe Dad can put a square of toilet paper in the toilet and show your son how to "sink the paper" -- it kind of makes a game out of it and might get your son to try peeing a little more often. I remember my son going in with my husband, and from behind closed doors I heard the telltale sound and then my son exclaimed, "Wow, a WATERFALL!!"

Sadly, he'll just do it when he's ready. You can try a million ways to convince him, but it's his last bit of control and he's keeping it. My son was 3 1/2 before he was successful. After many failed attemps on my end. I brought my 2nd home from the hospital and after about a week, he decided he wasn't a baby and he just did it. Hardly any accidents and dry nights once he made up his mind. My daughter would do it occasionaly. Then when she turned 3, I ran out of diapers. I told her I was all out and she would just have to use the toilet until I could get to the store. And she did. Something will change his mind. Maybe lay off it for awhile. If he sees it's no big deal, maybe that will change his mind. Good luck.

What a difficult position for you: your son fights getting changed, but can't/won't keep himself dry. It sounds like there must be a tremendous amount of tension around the subject for both him and you.

I wish you had said how long you've been trying to get him trained now (if your daily "prodding" has been going on for months, the fix may take longer). But no matter when parents start the process, a child will seldom be truly trained until he is ready. And when they are ready, the training happens quickly, sometimes in a day or two. Earlier, it's often really the parent who get trained – to get the child to the potty in time. For boys, who can be considerably slower to reach physical and neurological readiness, training is sometimes completely pointless before the age of 3.5 or sometimes 4 or so. Pushing a child will often make him resistant, and everything will take longer.

You don't say how long you've been working at this, but if it's been months now, your son might be resisting the pressure he feels. This could spill over into anything relating to his pottying, which might include getting cleaned up after.

What if you were to try a tactic suggested in the wise little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've been using these techniques with my grandson since he was around 2.5, because they are so effective and reduce tension so well.

The authors would suggest that you trouble-shoot the issue with your very bright son some time when he's NOT needing to get cleaned up / changed. Tell him that you know he's not happy about having to get changed, and you're not happy having to change him. LEAVE SOME SILENCE, and listen to his response. If he agrees, suggest that he might have some ideas about how to deal with the problem. Again, leave some silence. Watch and listen carefully to whatever he does say, nod and say "mm-hmm" and "I see," giving him lots of room in which to get his own version of the current situation out.

Whether or not he says anything useful (and he very well might, since he's bright), just commiserate with him sincerely about what a drag it is to need to get cleaned up when he's wet or dirty. Make sure he knows you really care about his experience. Then, ask him for ideas about how to solve this ongoing problem. Get a sheet of paper, ask him to bring you a pencil or crayon, and write down all his thoughts. Most kids will be stunned and impressed that their parents will actually take the time to listen, and then WRITE the child's ideas.

Ask him for any and all ideas he has about how to change the situation. You are brainstorming here, so don't judge or discount ANYTHING at this point. Add your own ideas to the list, including a couple of goofy ones if your son is throwing out some silly ideas. This process can actually be fun, and a touch of goofiness might help him relax and enter the brainstorming more creatively. Be sure to leave time/space for all ideas to make the list.

Then go through and consider which ideas will be most workable. Be sure at least one or two of your son's solutions stay on the list, even if they are not your preferred choices (remember, not all 4yo's are able to be trained for a few months yet). Perhaps he can change his own pullups when he's only wet, and allow you to clean him up when he poops, for example. You might be surprised at the ideas that end up on your list. And if your son has come up with some potential ideas to try, he will be much more invested in making them work.

This is only a thumbnail sketch of how/why this approach can be so effective. I strongly suggest you purchase this inexpensive, easy-to-read, and brilliant book for yourself. You'll reach for it often. Meanwhile, keep the messages around potty training positive and practical and light. For example, when he's peeing, Daddy might observe that he's glad he can use this simple, quick method of getting empty. Or he might use floating cleerios for target practice. If your son enjoys potty books or videos, or puppet shows, those are great devices for keeping the messages positive.

Both my sons were 3 yrs 3 months... (39 months)... old when they toilet trained.
At 3, they understand what it is you want from them for the most part. Some children are just not fully 'body aware'
At this age, I finally just put them in underwear when out and about... if they had an accident we helped them clean up.
At home, in the kitchen and run around naked... yes, there were accidents on the floor a few times but then they finally 'got it' that when they felt that urge to go, they needed to sit on the pot.
Sitckers, m&ms, books, you name the reward. Had one who loved to hold a train while on the potty. Cheerios in the toilet made it fun to pee for the boys too.

It will be an over and done with phase before you know it.
Good luck!

I used the Potty Train Your Child In Just One Day book by Teri Crane. She has a good portion in the book about how it is effective for situations like yours. I totally swear by it! We had a great day together and the results were awesome! Don't get me wrong, it's not that overnight there were never accidents again, but there were not many at all. I even wrote a blog post about it. Don't think I'm trying to promote my blog - there's only 3 or 4 things on it that are a year old. But it does have all the details of what it was like: http://www.thespecificsplease.com/?p=93

With my three girls, I just put underwear on them, and that was it. They poop and pee themselves silly the first seven days and then it just finally clicks in - so as long as you're willing to put up with a week long worth of laundry daily, it will pay off. I reccomend it during a week long holiday at home or school vacation. If by day 4 - they are still consistently doing it, then don't change them immediately - they will not like sitting in it for more than 5 minutes. This is cold turkey and it has worked for my three girls, but you need to realize it will be a week of hard work! But pays off. :)