Potty Training Advice. We're Going Nuts!!

When rewards don't work, we take things away. My son who is five doesn't like to stop doing things to go to the bathroom, so when he has an accident he doesn't get to play with that toy or do that activity the rest of that day or the next day. It sounds harsh. But these boys start school soon and need to be ready. You could also not give him the reward unless he goes all day without an accident. We used a sticker chart and when he filled it up he got to do something special. Good luck.

Try doing nothing. It may be hard, but you said the rewards system and whatever else you have tred is not working, so what have you got to lose?!

Do not stress out about this. This is his issue and he may be holding back just because you are stressing out about it. Does he have a lot of choices in what he does each day? I know it sounds weird, but this is one thing children can control in their lives when they're overcontrolled elsewhere. Think about how often you TELL him to do something vs how many times a day you offer him choices (2 is fine) or ask him to do things. Children are more likely to comply when they feel respected and given a say in their lives.

When he has an accident, just clean it up or help him clean it up. No words except, "let's go in the bathroom and I'll help you clean up. Here's some clean underpants to put on." Or just ask him if he wants help cleaning up or if he can do it by himself. Maybe run a bath to make it easier for him to do the clean up himself.

Don't tell him he is a baby, that is just degrading. If he likes school, you might mention that he can't go to Kindergarten until he can poop in the potty, but it may not be necessary. You have all summer to work this out. But seriously, I think once it is not a power struggle and he can see that you are trying to work WITH him and not force him to do things, he will start to go on his own.

Best of luck!

Dear Niclole,

Having been a child counselor, I have worked with several kids with this kind of problem.

Here is one technique I used:

Immediately after eating each meal have him sit on the toilet for 15 minutes. Have some balloons for him to blow up. This balloon blowing simulates the feelings he needs to relieve himself. You might consider setting a timer for 15 minutes that he can hear.

This technique helps him create a schedule for using the bathroom (after each meal). It also helps him take the time he needs. In addition, have books for him to read, puzzles to solve, etc. when he's on the toilet. Don't forget to praise him too.

Let me know how it goes, N..

____@____.com

This sounds SO very familiar! Last summer, our 3 yr old daughter was doing the same thing, and I was stressed out because preschool was beginning in Sept. (I think that was why it became such a power struggle). I finally got tired of her going poop in her panties in her room, backyard, ect., so I told her if she had to go poop, tell me and we would put her in a pullup. She had to stand in the bathroom next to the potty and tell me when she was finished. Then we would put the poop in the pot and go on with our day. There was no pressure (I finally gave up stressing!), yelling or pleading. She really liked this and about 5 days later we were at the park when she told me she had to go poop. I told her that since we weren't at home, I didn't have a pullup, so she would have to go poop on the potty....and she did! She's been doing it ever since. Good luck! I am sending stress-free thoughts your way. Potty training is so challenging!!

Does your son have underwear that he really likes, like SpiderMan or some other character he's into? If so, try throwing away his underwear when he gets poop on them. This can get a little expensive, but we did this with my daughter when she went through a "refusing to wipe" stage after being potty trained for a while. The thought that we would have to throw away her pretty undies if they got poop on them helped get her to start wiping again because she really likes her underwear. Another thing that you can try is to have no reaction whatsoever if he poops in his underwear. It has become a power struggle between him and you (and your husband) and he knows he's winning. He probably also likes all the attention he gets when he doesn't take a BM in the potty. Even though it's negative attention, it's still attention - kids don't seem to differentiate between neg. and pos. attention. Anyway, you should try NOT having a reaction. Just verbalize how that's too bad that he pooped in his underwear because now you'll have to throw them away. But say it in a nonchalant, that's too bad for YOU tone, like you personally don't really care either way. Then shrug, toss the undies, put him in a new pair and walk away. Maybe when he realizes that you don't care anymore, he won't go poop in his underwear anymore cuz he'll realize he's not getting the reaction. But if you are going to try tossing the undies, make sure you stock up on underwear first (let him pick out ones he really wants). One last suggestion would be to do a reward system based on not pooping in his underwear at all (instead of rewarding for going poop on the potty, since he's figured his way around that one). If he makes it through the whole day with no poop in his undies, he get a reward. Or you could do something more long-term. My daughter was refusing to go poop in the potty too so we did a sticker chart and nce she got 12 stickers (one sticker for every BM in the toilet)she got this pink tutu that she really wanted. Of course you would have to base the stickers on clean underwear rather than a BM in the toilet. You're going to have to experiment with what works best with your son. But don't worry; he won't do this forever. Good luck!!

I would find a good naturopath who has a good knowledge with homeopathy. My younger son would not stop night wetting no matter how many times we took him in the middle of the night and we figured out his constitutional(with the help of a great naturopath) and gave it to him once and he stopped waking up wet that night!!! The naturopath can explain what the constitutional is best, it is basically just figuring out things about your son's personality and then finding a natural remedy to help him push through things that may be diffucult for him emotionaly and physically.

I have thought of doing a week reward, where you do the chart and then they have to be accident free for a week before they get the wanted reward....my son is doing the wont have a BM anywhere but in a diaper and even that was a fight, he spent a whole night waking and crying because he had to go potty but didnt want to and it was making his tummy hurt. After that he goes in his diaper before we take it off in the morning. Fun stuff. Good Luck, Jen

Hi N.,
Potty training can be challenging to say the least! Yes, it may be a power struggle, or it may be that he is just so focused on what he is doing at the time he doesn't stop to go to the bathroom. Either way, one solution might be diapers. I assume at his age you have him in "big boy" underwear. Try calmly explaining to him that because he doesn't seem able to get to the bathroom he must wear diapers like he did when he was little. Be sure he understands that this is a practical move and not a "punishment." You might also approach the issue from the issue of school. Ask if he enjoys school and likes playing with the other children and, again calmly, explain that he will have to stop going to school if he does not learn to poop in the toilet rather than in his pants. You might also explain that he cannot wear diapers to kindergarten. Then, see what he does. I also assume that you have been taking him to a medical doctor. Have you sought advice from a child psychologist? This is not to say that your child has problems, but merely that these folks have a wealth of information and suggestions. They may have some alternatives to the reward system that you have yet to try. One of our sons had a "blankie." He carried it everywhere. When he was 5 I began to worry that he would never put the darned thing away. He even cut little corners off of the blanket (he called them "bit-o-blank") and carried them in his pocket. I spoke to a child specialist and he chuckled and told me, "He's 5. If he still does this when he's 10, we'll worry about it." Sure enough, when I quit worrying about it, he took care of parting with the blanket on his own. Now I know that a blanket is a lot different from dirty underwear, but my point is that child psychologists can offer some very sound--and objective--advice.

A Little About Me:
My husband and I have been married for 37 years and raised 3 very rambunctious (to say the least) boys. We now have 7 grandchildren and the distance from the traumas of raising children to smile about it.

I have worked in child care for almost 20 years. This is definatly a power struggle. To him, it is the last thing he has left that HE has control of. 1.) Start giving him a say in some decisions. To pick a meal place, or item, or a movie to watch, or an activity to do, makes him think that he has ownership of his environment. 2.) Make HIM clean up his mess. tell him, "Its not my mess, I go in the toilet so I dont have to touch the yucky stuff, or smell it." (You will have to go in after he does, because we know that a child cannot sanitize. It might be so unpleasent that he will stop, and put it where it goes. Hope that works. L.

ask him if he is afraid of being flushed down the toilet or reassure him that he can't go down the drain.

Please continue with the doctor. There is a condition called endopreises, I am not sure of the spelling, that needs an X ray to see if the colon is backed up. We had a litle girl in our preschool who needed the help of mineral oil daily and a laxative every few months. She was able to get little bits of BM out when she would try and then without warning, the rest would just come when it was ready. She needed the mineral oil to soften the stool. The hiding you are talking about is what she also did, because it was not a matter of a power struggle, but she knew it belonged in the toilet and could do nothing about it. She has been under treatment for a year. You can buy the mineral oil at any drug store and it might help to soften. He could also have mega colon which means that the BM is too large to get out comfortably. The oil would help here also.

I agree with the advice on having him clean himself up and his mess. I don't know if you use pull ups, but I wouldn't. Let him make his mess in his clothes. I also think it's a good idea not to make a big deal about it. Just be firm that he is to go in the toilet and if he doesn't, he will clean himself up. Period. And praise him when he does go in the toilet.

Our son was also very difficult to potty train. When he turned 2 years old we had a potty shopping party and he got to go to the store and pick out his potty seat.
We started slow, once he learned how fun it was to go potty the BM was a scary thing for him to overcome. We did the reward thing for the first couple of BM. We would also clap and tell him how proud we were. It was scary for our son to go poo in the potty and I found him hiding so he could go in his pull up. Boys like to be like there daddy so we gave our son a little hand held video game and that was his potty entertainment for only going poo. He though he was such a big boy doing the same thing his daddy does. We also had him notice what he is doing in the toilet and made him really realize he would never want that in his pants.
Another sure thing for kicking the potty training in is just stop wearing pull ups. We got him some Cars underwear and he didn't like how it felt to wet himself or poop in his big boy underwear.
I wish you the best.

N., I realize this is delayed but wanted to let you know I had the same problem with my son. He did great learning to pee even stopped sitting to do it when daddy came home and showed him the "big boy way." Well, still wouldn't poop in the potty....he always wore his big boy pants, my mom came to visit and told me to leave him alone and "let him wear it for awhile." Almost killed me! I'm a nurse and the thought of those germs running loose almost did me in. However, she was here with him and made him stay in the kitchen where it was easily bleached by me afterward. He finally came to her and said he was "done." and wanted to be cleaned up. After that he started telling us as soon as he had to go and we made a big deal about running to the potty! Now he never messes up! Just hang in there, my girls were sooo easy but this one is testing my entire life! Best of luck!

This may be a little old school and most people will think it's not kosher to do anymore, but I had the same problem when I was little, and my mom, still to this day tells the story about how she broke me. Mind you, I am 28 years old, and the last of 8 children that my mom raised by herself...she didn't have time for "talking." She says that I had no problems going number 1, and did so from the time I was 2--I would never, however use the potty for number 2. She tried to tell me that big girls go in the potty, and anything else she could think of to reason with me. I, also, would go a little bit for "reward" and then stand and stare out a window and dirty my panties. One day, she was at her wits end and caught me doing it and (even though I had finished), pulled my panties down and swatted my butt all the way to the bathroom, made me empty my panties into the toilet, hand wash them in the sink, and then throw them in the washing machine. (I remember most of the incident because I was almost 4 and a half at the time....). I don't know if it helps, but she never really spanked me (and she definitely didn't beat on me), but she got her point across in a manner that made me remember! I now have a 5 month old son myself, and hopefully he won't have his mother's hard head when it comes to potty training!!! Hope it helps....

Hi, my son has the same problem and I have started making him clean himself and clean up the poopoo and put it in the potty. He uses a wipe to clean it up and washes his hands thouroghly when he is done. I am not sure if it is going to work as we have only done it a few times so far and he really enjoys cleaning (anything). But a friend of mine did this for her son and it seemed to work for them.

Hello N. I am a mother of 5 and I completely understand how they can be a handful to potty train. The thing that I learned with my last 2 is that not to make it such a big deal to them if they think that it doesn't make a difference to you then they look for something else that will get your attention.Typically they will do exactly what you wanted then to do so they can get the good attention this time.

Try making him clean up the messes himself. I did this with my youngest and little over a week he got tired of cleaning up the messes after just like that he decided that he was going to use that bathroom all the time and he only just turned 3. There are different children that take longer, so don't get discourages just keep up with it and it will eventually sink in. Good Luck!

Hi,
I am a mother to 3 and a grandmother of 7. I had the very same problem with my son, I'd have thought I wrote your paragraph myself. He just didn't know why he couldn't use the toilette but he just wouldn't. I got so frustrated but one it just happened and he didn't ever have any more soiled undies again. I think their brain just has to mature further, I mean the connection between going to the bathroom when they have to go or just waiting to long and I've heard that epecially boys just don't want to take time to go. He doesn't do it right in front of you so he does know that it's wrong. I'd just try to "keep my cool", don't say much about it as he might just be trying to get attention so the less you say about it the more he might try. That's what I finally did and believe me "it WILL happen" and probably soon.
Happy days and GOD BLESS, you are good parents.

Hi N.,

I had the same problem with my middle child. I kept reminding him that he wouldn't be allowed to go to Kindergarten until he pooed in the potty, and then just left it up to him. The peer pressure (& desire to go to school like his older brother) got to him and sure enough he started using the toilet, probably just days before school started.

Good luck!

D. C.

I hear you; potty training with my son made me nuts too :-) What has worked for me is not rewarding each "performance", but rewarding dry DAYS with a sticker chart, dollar toy, whatever works... that way he ONLY gets a reward when there are no BM's in his pants. Another idea is "big boy" underwear that he earns by staying dry for a certain period of time, or alternatively making him wear pull-ups until he proves readiness by staying dry. Also, doctor may have said all is well, but what did he or she do to make sure of that? Some docs are very (OVERLY) quick to dismiss a mom who is concerned about a "common" problem. Best of luck to you!

Not sure if this would help at all but since we just went through the exact same thing I thought I would reply! Our son sounds identical to yours he was finally "fully potty trained" by his 4th birthday. We finally found out he was constipated and needed to poop where he was confortable,thats why he would hide and poop. Has your son skipped days and not pooped for a bit? Once our son was put on Miralax (per pediatrician) and we put him on the potty he realized that it wouldnt hurt and it came out just fine, and seriously over night he changed! He SO badly wanted to change too, but didnt know how to ask for it. We too thought it was strange that he was "pee" trained but not poop. And now has not had a single accident! Im not sure if this is your situation, but if you are like me and stressed, I looked at anything and was desperate, but it took us as his parents to go to the peds dr to talk about the constipation, and the Miralax doesnt give the runs, just easier to go for him. Good luck, I soooo know how frusterating it is! Thinking about you! Hang in there! :)

Hey N.,

I don't really have much in the way of advice ... I mostly wanted to tell you that we've gone through the same thing! My daughter, who's 10 now, was potty-trained pee-wise by age 3, however, she refused to poop in the potty. She would either request a diaper from me or go and put on a 'pull up' diaper on her own. She did that until she was over 4. The only good thing about her way was we never had accidents in clothes, it was all very tidy. Like you, I was concerned because she was due to start preschool. What worked for me was wrapping up 4 or 5 presents (which were used "beanie babies" handed down from her older cousin). I think this worked because it was an immediate reward, we'd tried stickers (you know after you get 5 stickers you get some sort of prize). Also kids love opening presents. I also think that the time was just right; I could've tried the present thing a year before and it wouldn't have worked. Right now I am going through the same thing with my 4 year old son: he pees in the toilet no problem but when it's time to poop he puts on a diaper. Recently I bought a few toys and wrapped them to try the same method that worked with my daughter. The first day (which was a week or so ago) he saw the wrapped presents in a basket and knew that he would get one he was very excited and pooped in the potty just like a pro. HOWEVER, that was the last time that worked ... sigh. Everyday I ask him do you want to try pooping in the potty and get another present? He says NO and halfway starts crying so I've not made a big thing of it. He's about the age my daughter was when I gave her the gifts but I guess he's not quite ready.
Anyway, I don't know if it will help but maybe you could get your son to at least poop in a diaper so it's not so messy -- possibly he'll feel like diapers are for babies and that will encourage him to use the potty. ?? GOOD LUCK!!!
-M.

Have you tried having him cleaning up after himself? That is to say rinse out the poop from his underwear by himself. Thus a natural consequence for him choosing to go in his underwear. At that age this should make him see that it is more work than it is worth. Good luck! I hope this helped.

I've had the same issue with my daughter who is the same age. We started with the accidents (when she would relax and not think about it) but then she decided to just start holding it because she didn't "like" to go. At some point she must have had some pain and that was what she remembered. We ended up with a few very painful experiences for her where she held it so long that she started to get backed up and according to the doctor, lost some of the sensation to go. The reward system didn't work as well for us either. The doctor ended up putting her on Mirulax (sp?) which is a child laxative that is quite safe. Our doctor explained that for many kids, they just have slow BMs and this can help the child overcome any pain that may be associated with going. We've been on it for almost 2 weeks now and she is a lot better about going. We also had to change her diet to limit the dairy products (16-24oz) per day and increase bran (mixing it in to things she eats). Our doctor recommended to keep her on the Mirulax for 2-3 months (it's mixed into a juice or water twice a day and is tasteless) and then see how it goes. The doctor says it's completely safe and it doesn't have any long-term effects.

I hate to recommend a medication if necessary, but it has worked so far for us. Hope this helps.

My second daughter had the same problem, and root of the problem was that she was actually afraid of having a BM on the potty and then flushing it down. Could this be the issue? Perhaps standing in front of the potty is not scary; but sitting on that 'great big hole' is. Nix the reward system; a child should be satisfied with their accomplishment by itself and a pat on the back from you. In some cases, rewards put added pressure on the child to perform.

Ask your child, with all the love and patience in the world if he's afraid. Open a dialog; apologize for being impatient with him in the past; ask him how you can help him have success! "Kindergarten will be so much fun!" Be his partner in figuring out how to best help him; he needs to feel that you are there to help him tackle this! (I know it's easy to loose patience...!!!) Put the ball in his court; but do it with gentle words. Practice flushing the toilet! If it is a fear of falling in, or getting sucked down; get an item like a ball (that obviously can't get flushed down) and put it in the potty and show him that it can't be flushed down, and certainly he's bigger than the ball!!! Above all else; do your best to NOT escalate it any more than it already is! Go about your routine; if you're at the park and he has a BM in his pants, then calmly tell him we have to go home and change your pants. My daughter quickly made the connection that pooping on the potty was a necessary skill to survive as a four-year-old; and all the pressure, frustration I expressed to her at her failure was very counter productive.

Looking back, and evaluating how we tried to handle it... well, I should have just let it all alone and let her come to it in her own time and been patient and consistent. (even though, she was pushing 4) It was a pain in the neck, and messy, but the more I didn't "put diaper on me, please", and I just let her have an accident, the more quickly she got the message. HOWEVER!!! Be careful if you do this; increase your child's fiber, and make sure they are drinking plenty of water; because you don't want him to get an impacted bowel!!

Hope this helps.

If the reward system works for him, then instead of rewarding him each time he goes in the toilet, reward him each day (or few days) he goes with out accidents. Try making the reward something like special time alone with Mommy or Daddy.

I know it is easier said than done, but you've got to stop making him think you are trying to force him. It can't be a battle of wills if you just don't care.

Also, make sure you are not punishing him for his accidents or scolding him, or even giving him dirty looks. Try to make the natural consequences bad enough. After my daughter had an accident on purpose, she had to take a shower. She prefered baths and was not happy about it, but I told her we just don't have time for more than one bath a day. I also made her help me clean up the mess.

I don't know if this is acceptable advice, but we had the same problem with our son at that age.what we did was make him clean his own underwear out him self,with parental supervision of course,but he did all the work.Dunking in the toilet til everything was off,then washing them out by hand.When he was done he had to clean out the sink and surrounding areas.(of course we did the disinfecting,he just used soap and water). This of course did not work over night,it took a few days.Also when he did this I told him he could not sit on the furniture.The furniture is for big kids who want to go #2 in the toilet not in their pants.Now that really helped alot,he didnt like the idea that I would not let him on the furniture,if he went in his pants.There for between the two things,we got it nipped pretty quickly and havent had any problems since.
I dont know if you would want to try that advise or if it would work, for you. If you do just remember lots of persistance and patience.
Wishing the best of luck to you in what ever decission you make.
P.

Hello!

I also have a 4 year old boy (along with two girls - 2 and 8 yrs). I had this same problem with my son. My husband travels alot so this was very hard on me. If I had to clean out one more pair of underwear, I was going to go crazy. I was talking with my sons doctor while we were there for a check up and she too told me to use the reward system but with a little twist. You see, my son LOVES his gameboy (if you don't have one get one just for this reason) and she told me NOT to let him play it until he is sitting on the potty to go poop. I thought this is never going to work - WRONG! I didn't care if he wanted to sit on the potty 10 times a day only to play his gameboy as long as he was sitting on the potty. I couldn't believe the results - 1 day! That's all it took my son. Now I used this for a couple of weeks to make sure that sitting on the potty is the only place we poop and it worked. If you don't like gameboys, find the ONE THING your son absolutely LOVES and don't let him have it unless he is sitting on the potty to poop. Now remember, my son did not get to play his gameboy except while sitting on the potty. I never let him have it unless he was on the potty. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

I read all of the other responses and wasn't surprised that this idea wasn't there. You'll laugh at this one, but I read this idea on the web and we tried it--- believe it or not this actually worked for my 3 yr. old daughter who was not messing her undies, but holding it for days at a time--super stressful for all involved.
Basically, the suggestion was to somehow remove the pressure or scariness of BMing and/or being a big kid by..
First removing the big kid undies and go back to the diaper or pull-up . The return to the diaper was not supposed to be a punishment but a way of starting over and then going to undies when we're truly ready for them. If he needs to poop, he can do that in the diaper, peeing he can still do in potty. Second, have the child go in the bathroom to do the deed, even though it's in a diaper at least he's in the appropriate room. And have him sit on the potty (with diaper on), that can be another 'baby step' towards the act of going in the right place. Third (this is the funny part!), after he's been going poopoo in the bathroom, in his diaper but sitting on potty---tell him you're going to cut a hole in the back of the diaper, so that he can sit on the potty and essentially go poopoo on the potty, but still have a diaper on. Do that till he agrees that he can now just poop on the potty, and doesn't need those diapers anymore. The web advice said some parents end up cutting bigger and bigger holes in diaper till essentially they are wearing the sticky tabs and little else.
Again, I know that pull-ups can be counter-productive in many cases, but this theory is that they have the security of the diaper/pull-up, and have some control but there is less pressure to be a big kid. We did this and my daughter was cured in about a week :-) She basically just pulled down her pull-up one day to go peepee and she forgot the whole hole thang and went poopoo--wahlah (sp?)
p.s. since your child has been messing his pants, and it's risky and odd to have them walk around in diapers with a big hole in 'em, I would suggest putting underwear over the diaper. complicated, huh? but maybe worth a try...?!?

My nephew did the same thing. He was 5 or 6 when it stopped. What stopped my nephew was when my mom was watching my sisters kids and my nephew went in his pants. My told him to go clean the mess up himself. My niece who is a little older said "That's gross Gram", my mom's response was "I know". She made him clean himself and his underwear. He never went in his pants again. I believe you are right about it being a power struggle. But if there are no real consequences for him making the mess than who cares. Mom will clean me. This may not work for you son but it worked immediately for nephew. Just supervise the clean up but don't help. That's my suggestion. Good Luck!! I don't envy you.

Dear N.,
I work in an unconventional method of healing. The problem your
son is having is being unable to "LET GO". Some of us have a hard time letting go of our stuff. There are a couple of points
you can massage or apply color to. If you can find a yellow light, small point of light, apply that to a point that is at the end of the fleshy part of the thumb on the back of the hand.
If you can see an acupuncture chart this is a Large Intestine pt or LI on the chart. The other place you can work is the middle of the back of the heal. Massaging this or applying purple will astound you. What you are explaining is an emotional issue and no amount of reward is going to change that. If you have internet go to www.colorpuncture.com and see if there is a colorpuncture practitioner in your area. NO needles and kids love the colored light get results rather quickly.
Help him now or he will "hold on" to stuff traumas, negativity, broken toys, etc. the rest of his life. It will be the greatest gift you will ever give.

We had sort of the same problem with my daughter and it came down to sitting on the toilet after every meal for about 15 minutes with a book. Sounds silly but it really works! It is almost as if the body regulates itself to go at those times. I hope it works for you too. J.

Just thought I would tell you my experience, since our boy (now 6) had similar habits. We didn't make a huge deal about it, but he had to clean his pants himself, every time. That included dumping the bulk of the bm in the toilet, washing his underwear out in the sink with soap, wringing and setting them out to dry and putting them in a special dirty clothes hamper when they were dry. I did that laundry with bleach and just didn't worry about it (as best I could). It really did help that he did take care of himself, and after almost a year he just never did it again (he was 4.5 when he was finally trained!) Good luck whatever you do, I'm sure he will come around eventually.

Maybe you could invite a friend over that has a child his age and give that child lots of positive feedback about what a big kid they are about using the bathroom by themselves. Your other children could do that too. Sometimes peer pressure helps.
It sounds like rewards are not helpful and add to the power struggle so I would stop them.
Maybe talking around him but not to him about a privilege or two that big kids get to do because they are big enough to use the potty.Do you use cloth diapers with him? It is easier to feel wet and uncomfortable in them. Big kids can go to school when their potty trained. The key might be not to push directly.
I have two sons and one was potty trained on his own at 2 and the other one was close to 5. We tried not to push the younger one, but I know how frustrating it is. Good luck

We have the same thing at our house right now with our 5 year old boy. He gets busy playing and it's usually only aobut a quarter size in his underwear because he waits too long. He doesn't do the whole thing, I think he just makes it stop. Anyway yesterday I made him wash out all the underwear that I had found that had potty in them. Not sure if it will help but we will see. I don't know what else to do either because I don't want him to feel bad but I want him to know it's not right. I have 8 kids and he's #5.

I saw a similar situation when I was working in a preschool years ago. The wonderful infant/todler expert suggested to the mother that she handle this matter-of-factly with her son and that he was big enough to clean things up himself (with some help). As I recall, when he had a BM in his pants, it was suggested that she take him into the bathroom and put him in the tub, that she have him undress himself, and clean himself up with a washcloth, and then help rinse out the soiled clothes. The important thing is to do this in a non-punitive way and to not make him feel ashamed but rather supported in his autonomy. Hope this helps -

Sounds a bit like my son. My son is almost 5 and is now finally potty trained. Took me since he was 2 to get him that way. Hardest part was? Consistency and having a routine. I realized that my son sometimes forgot that he had to go because he was so enthralled in whatever he may have been doing. I also had SEVERAL set backs because of trauma or stress in our lives. Those small details make a big deal when it comes to potty training.
I know this may sound a bit off, but something you could try is...if you know that your son definitely knows better to BM in the toilet than in his underwear, start making him clean his own mess up. If my son had an "accident" and didn't mean to do it, I would help him clean it up, but if he did it on purpose because he simply refused to go to the bathroom when he knew he had to go, I made him clean up his own messes. During this whole time, I remembered to try and remain calm. I didn't want my son believing that going to the bathroom was going to warrant him a yelling match.
I also did something a bit different and rewarded my son by allowing him to pick out a set of his favorite undies. Somehow, this seemed to help a bit. Praise him for when he does remember to go. That ALWAYS makes things a bit better.
You could try watching his cues. Most kids have to use the restroom about 15 min to 30 min after they've consumed a meal or something to drink. Start a routine for him as well. (I.E. Right when he gets up in the A.M., right before you leave the house for a trip/errand, right before a meal...etc.) This also seemed to help me.
Even though his preschool probably wants him to be potty trained by now, try seeing if they can assist you with this. If they are consistent and have him on a routine there, that might help a bit as well.
NO PULL UPS! I used them for night time until I had him daytime potty trained. Pull ups were my worst enemy. He figured that if he could have a "diaper" on, then he could "accident" ALL the time. It was horrible! When you get to the night time training part, (this is the tough part), you might have to get up with him to remind him to go. For a bit, it was like having a 5 mo old all over again. Make sure that he's got NO PULL UPS and have him in regular undies. I even purchased a plastic bed sheet. I would make sure he didn't have any fluid about 1/2 hr before bed and I would have him go to the bathroom before he went to bed. Then I would wake him up right before I went to bed and have him go. Then I would get up once in the night to have him go. It's a bit tedious, but with plenty of patience, it works. :D
I'm not sure if any of this helps. Sorry if it's so long, but I had tried the reward system and it didn't work. I've tried all those things and they didn't seem to work. What worked for us was consistency and routine. Good luck! ~B.

We are in this together! My son does the same thing. I have even caught him hiding and putting on a pullup so he could poop in it. This is what is working for us right now (but it's still a work in progress):
I took him to Target to let him pick out the coolest, most unforgetable toy he could find (within the budget of course). He picked out a Little Einstein's toy that's a really big rocket ship with al of the characters. It has to eb more than just a car that he has tons of. He loved this and wanted to open it right away. I explained to him in the store that he could only have it after he's gone an entire week with no accidents. Now, being that they don't really understand weeks yet, I may have it go a little longer just to be sure. If he has an acccident, I don't get onto him. I just say that I'm so sorry that he can't open his new toy yet-it'll have to be another whole week. Maybe you'll try to use the potty next time. I keep the toy on the back of the toilet so he can always see it.
Good luck!

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who had this problem with her son at the age of 5. My son would pee in the toilet, no problem, but when it came to a BM, he would get a diaper, PUT IT ON HIMSELF, do his deed, then come to me. We had the discussions of, you are a big boy now, etc. He would know when he had to go, everytime, he would just scream when he sat on the toilet. My son also tried explaining the laws of gravity and how he had to stand up (which he did) in order for the poop to come out, because the poop can't come out when you are sitting on the toilet (he came up with that one all on his own). Part of my son's problem was simply that he was stubborn, another part, he simply was not ready. We don't have small potty's at home, I bought one of those smaller "topper" things that you put on top of the toilet seat. Maybe, take him to the store, just the two of you, and have him pick one out that is just for him. I also bought those kids wipes (not the baby ones) and told him those were just for him for when he goes poop, and also his own little pump foam soap. Knowing that these things were just his to use when he pooped. It's hard when you work full time, but thankfully, your husband is home, and there is a chance of consistancy-that is important too. There is no easy formula to this pooping business, all kids are different.

Good Luck!
Mom of 2 boys 12 and 6.

well my daughter did this but I told her I was throwing away the underwear when she pooped them. I was calm and told her it was gross, I was done cleaning them and that I would just need to throw them away. I did end up investing about $20 in underwear that should have just been cleaned but each time I bought them I let her pick them out. It only took about 5 times of her watching us throw away those cool characters before she caught on. She did still pee a few times but between preschool and kindergarten I informed her that they don't allow you to do that at kindergarten so she needs to try to learn when to go. (I knew she was just doing a power struggle she knew when all along) Also the school just had us bring extra clothes to keep in the office. the first couple weeks were hard (new bathrooms) but she's great now! Good luck!

I went through the same thing with our youngest. Luckily the preschool teachers were great dealing with it while he was there. It seems that we too tried rewards but what ended up working was making him change his own pants and cleaning up the mess he made doing so. We kept extra clothes and plastic bags in the car, at school etc. and we monitored him while he was cleaning himself up, helping only now and then. It didn't make a difference at first but after having to do it all the time and especially at preschool it became lest frequent. By the time he was in kindergarten we didn't have this problem. It was very hard not getting mad at him throughout this, I just tried to be matter of fact, firm and loving.

You will get through this tough stage. Stay strong!!

I have potty trained my own two and helped significantly with a nephew. It really helps to start young. I come from a large family where the tradition is that by the time you're 3 the only accidents are overnight. I understand that this is "old fashioned" and some people think it's too harsh or something, but we also don't have teachers changing our kids soiled pants. Anyway . . .

Your child is past the age of rewards and "he'll do it when he's ready". As you said he completely understands and is choosing not to use the toilet. He is currently in charge. At nearly 5 years old, when he doesn't use the toilet he should be punished. Whatever your method is - time out, taking away a priviledge, a swat to the rear end. He needs to know that you are in charge and he is disobeying you by going in his pants.

Hi N., I have heard of this happening; you're not the only one! May I suggest you contact a homeopathic practitioner or naturopathic dr. that uses classical homeopathy. I have heard of this kind of problem cured by homeopathy. Good luck and I'd be happy to share more info if you so choose. M.