Hi Kim! I thought I would chime in here and see if I can help at all. I'm a SAHM and a licensed daycare provider. In the last year, I potty trained 5 children, and they were all completely trained by their 2nd birthdays. I did have two kids who were "scared of the potty" when I started and there just was no other option besides making them face their fears and sit on it. It took about a week and they were over their fears.
Here's how I do it:
First, and I think this is the most important thing, once you decided to start with big girl panties, she should be in big girl panties. There should be no going back to diapers - the only exception to this would be bed time. Sometimes it takes longer to train their little bodies to hold it that long at a stretch. If you give up and put her in a diaper every time she has an accident, she will learn that if she doesn't want to use the potty or wants to be the baby or wants to be lazy, whatever the case, she can just go in her pants and you'll put her in a diaper. Once she's in big girl pants, there should be no turning back as it can raelly confuse the kids or they can use it to manipulate.
Second, only allow liquids at meal times and snack times, and don't let them walk around with a sippy cup all day. Cut off all liquids at 7pm. I promise you, she isn't going to dehydrate and die and if you don't let her slurp on a sippy cup all day and night and she definitely doesn't need one at bed. If she fights for one, it's a habit, and it needs to be broken if you are going to be successful at this.
Third, I have potty charts and every time a child goes, they get to pick a sticker to put on the chart. Once their chart is full they get to pick a prize out of the basket - usually a car or bubbles. Now, if they go in their pants and then sit on the potty, they don't get a sticker - it's only when they go in the potty.
The most important step is consistancy. You are going to have messes and accidents and the important thing is not to give up. I start out with the kids putting them on the potty every 15 minutes - that's right, every 15 minutes all day long. It makes it hard to do anything all day but potty train, and it is tedious but it works. Then, once we are going in the potty most of those 15 minute times then I stretch it out to 20 minutes, then 30 and then once an hour. Eventually they started telling me when they had to go and I didn't have to make them go all the time. I also have everyone try to go after lunch, before snack and then again as soon as they get up from nap.
Lastly, I know there are lots of great books and things out there for potty training but honestly, I have found that they are distracting to the kids. If I take a magazine into the rest room with me, I am inevitably in there longer reading than I need to be to do my business. So, I don't allow any toys or books in the bathroom. That way they learn that they are in there for one reason, and one reason only. And they want to get done so they can go and resume playing or reading or whatever we are doing at the time.
Wow, didn't realize there was so much to it until I sat down and typed it out! lol Hope something in that book helps ya! Just remember, get started and be consistant and dont look back. She will probably fight you at first because you will be changing the rules but I promise you in a few weeks it will be all over and you will be so glad you did! HTH K.