Potty Training, the Tickle Tactic, and Climbing.

relax, potty training is something they will let you know when ready, someone promised me once that my sons would not go to school in diapers, I relaxed and they even graduated from colleges and WERE potty trained. It is different for every child. Relax Mom, it will happen. Don't let people push YOU into training.

Potty training --- no discipline should be involved, and certainly no sitting on the potty until it happens! Yikes! Unless, of course, he feels it coming. It doesn't really take any "training" either, if you wait until he is ready. I have 4 boys and they all did it when they were ready, around the age of three to three and a half. That is not late, it is normal. At that time it happens naturally. Training wasn't involved, just showing them how the big boys go potty. Give yourself and him a break and wait until he is ready. I used to do daycare in my home and little girls usually started using the potty earlier than boys, but the only boys I ever had potty problems with were the ones whose parents tried to potty train them too early or force train them, parents who made a big deal about "potty training", emphasis on the "training". Someone said it takes a lot of work. WRONG! Big mistake. If it takes a lot of work, you are doing it wrong.

Discipline. This is where the word "training" should come in. My boys were all really well behaved and nice kids to be around. We did not discipline, per se. We just communicated to them whenever their behavior was unacceptable. Certainly the two's and three's can be a bit challenging, but if you simply make sure they know what is acceptable and what isn't, you will be fine. I'm not sure tickling is the way to show that, though. That is giving positive attention when he doesn't listen to you. That might send the wrong message and condition him incorrectly. Then again, you are getting is attention! A toughie.

As for climbing - again, I have 4 boys, now 26, 22, 21, and 8. Two of them were "daredevils", from the start who would try anything, regardless of safety. Two of them were far more cautious, acting more like you describe your son - not wanting to climb up ladders, or on jungle gyms, etc. when they were small. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT! Cautious is good. Better than that, it is GREAT! It means he is thinking, measuring risks, and not wanting to take them if he feels unsafe. All good things. You will come to be very glad of his cautious nature. Especially with boys, caution and a thinking brain are definitely good things. Don't push him to do things he doesn't want to do. He will do them eventually, when he feels good and ready. And that is a quality you want to foster in him. Trusting his own instincts. Not being pressured into doing something because the other kids his age are doing it. That will serve him well later in his life.

It sounds like you have a great kid! Enjoy him, because everything at this stage is a joy. Even tantrums, not listening, wet diapers, bedtime issues. All a walk in the park compared to the teen years. It is all good at this point. These are the best days of your life together.

Hi K.,

About your potty training issue, I was very into not fighting about it. With my son, I would try periodically, and if he wasn't ready, I waited. At about 34 months (probably seems way to old to some), he wanted to wear underwear (we call them chonies). I told him the rule in this house is that if you wear chonies, you go potty in the toilet. Worked like a charm. Wearing underwear was good incentive to him. Worked for my middle child, a girl, also, but a lot earlier. I thought my youngest would be a breeze - a girl (which is supposed to be easier) and the third, so she had two examples to watch. She had no interest whatsoever! I had her basically in chonies at around 27 months, but when she had accidents, my husband put her back in diapers, and she ended up in diapers again full-time - I was so frustrated! She was actually 35 months before she was really potty-trained. Another thing we did to make it more fun was sing the wicked witch music as we hurried to the bathroom (still makes me think of running to the bathroom every time I hear it, 17 years later!)

good luck! and remember, all the experts say that children very rarely start kindergarten in diapers - it'll work out - just find the right incentive for you son.
B.

Hi K.,
I think your questions are ones that many people wonder even if they don't ask. I am a mother of 3 and a grandmother of 3, so I have seen some big variations in readiness for physical activity from potty training to climbing, and also in readiness for learning other skills such as reading, counting etc. All parents want to know that their child is developing normally, and so we watch for these milestone moments and compare with other children, which is both good and not so good. The range of normal for most activities is very broad, and just because a child learns to do something sooner, it really doesn't mean that they are smarter or better in any way. It means that their timing is slightly different. Readiness is really important, and when a child is ready they learn and do things much much more easily and with more confidence than if they are pushed or pressured into things. From birth through 3 or 4 years old the child develops a lot of their self esteem, and this is incredibly more important in the long run than how soon they climb a ladder or learn to pee in a pot. If you trust your child's timing, they will learn to trust their self. This sense of trust combined with your approval of how they are doing is really important. Some kids take longer with the potty than others, and in my opinion you can make some big mistakes for their well being if you pressure them about it. My daughter who didn't learn to read until she was 7 has an advanced degree in Physics now, and my son who read at an early age, but didn't walk until 16 months is a graceful skier and an amazing rock climber. And yes as a new parent I worried about both of them not meeting those milestones "on time". In retrospect I can clearly say that if you don't pressure your child at this early age, but let them unfold as their brain develops, giving them lots of love and opportunities to learn in an unpressured way, they will come out much better in the long run. My youngest son is the most secure emotionally and I am sure it is because I was quite a bit older and more relaxed with him. So my advice is just relax and admire your beautiful baby. Appreciate the miraculous way he learns to do things and know that he is going to learn it all pretty soon, and be off to school before you know it.

Incidentally, one of the really great communication skills you can develop is to reflect your child instead of trying to get him to do something. Like with your boy, I would say something like "Wow you are really doing a good job of walking and I can see you are not ready to climb up yet. I am here to help you when you are ready, but for right now let me see how you can walk (or run if he runs) over to the swings! You are amazing!!!!"
Best wishes
D.

If you don't get suggestions that sound right to you, you can always check out www.parentingtots.org. There are suggestions for dealing with common developmentmental issues, especially toilet training and discipline.

There is also a Warm Line that is free. Someone will call back within a couple of days.
A speciailist will give you suggestions on the phone that may work with your child.

Judy D

Aloha K.,

My son is nearly 30 months old and we are dealing with pretty much all the same issues too! :P

The best we get for potty training right now is that he will sit on his potty with his clothes on when I am sitting on "my" potty too. Everyone says that they will let you know when they are ready, and I've also heard that boys train later than girls... as late as 3-4 years even! So I've decided to put this one on hold until he seems ready.

When he doesn't listen to me, I will give him two options to choose from. So if I want him to come to the table to eat but he wants to play, I will ask him if he wants carrots or milk (both of which he likes), then that gets his attention.

My son is also very cautious, so he even still crawls up stairs! I've seen this as a small blessing, knowing that he's not likely to hurt himself but I can relate to how you feel. My advice would be to just keep exposing him to the playground so he can see other kids at play and maybe he will get the idea. I know my son definitely gets more adventurous when he sees his cousins running around, and as he gets older he naturally seems to try more things.

:)

Potty - He will let you know when he is ready. Pull out all the stops when you really need to, like to get him into preschool, but if he knows the drill, just let him know what he needs to do to take the lead - Say "here are the big boy undies that you will use when you decide that you don't want to wear diapers anymore. When you are ready, you can start wearing them"

Discipline - Don't be a softie, but a little humor goes a long way if you ask me. Just be sure that in matters of safety, your word means business. BE SURE YOU ARE CONSISTENT!! if he senses you wavering even a little bit, he will start going for the jugular when he's 3 (it is amazing how easily they can read us!!)

Climbing - let him be cautious. It is better this way, trust me!! He will do stuff when he feels comfortable. Give him opportunities to stretch himself (playground, gymnastics class, etc) and praise his efforts wildly. He will take risks when he's ready.

Hello K.,

Just keep the potty-training a positive experience. To get him to sit for longer periods of time on the toilet, you can read to him & sing songs with him while he's sitting. I usually read potty books & make up songs about going potty. Also, give him lots of praise & encouragement & some sticker rewards can be helpful, too.

Redirection is a great tool for discipline at his age. Also helpful is giving him logical consequences (for instance- if you throw your food on the floor, you will have to clean it up & will not get any more food unless you choose to sit and eat it properly). If you've gotten through this long of his toddler years without losing your temper, you're doing great! Congratulations!

As far as the playground goes, don't worry about it. My first son was very cautious & would not go on any climbing structure unless I went with him & held his hand the whole time. Now, he's a normal, outgoing 6 year old. It seems to be a characteristic of first borns, because I see a lot of cautious kids at the park who are first borns, & my second son (who is now 21 months old) is an adventurous climber who is doing a lot more at the park than kids older than him. I think it's because he is determined to keep up with his older brother, but my first son didn't have that drive. He just wanted to hang out with Mommy & feel secure. The more he played with other kids his age and saw what they were capable of, the more he was willing to try.

Hope that helps. Merry Christmas!
C. : )

Aloha K.!

My daughter was very cautious at the playground also when she was that age. Keep exposing your son and get him around other kids so they might pull him into doing things he may not try when it's just you 2. I worried about it too but now, my girl is running around like every other kid at the playground so it was just a developmental stage she needed to progress through. Potty-training is darn hard work for YOU. :) I'd start when I thought my daughter was ready only to find that she wasn't into it. The girl could change her own diapers quite well. She started preschool this year. I met with her teacher at the beginning of November and was told that she thought my daughter was ready to do it so we did. She was so successful (although there were a few accidents). She has since night-trained herself and sleeps in big girl panties. She hasn't had an accident since the first week we began. She just turned 4 and I will admit that I was a little concerned that she was still in diapers at 3 years, 11 months but, when she was ready, it was so fast. Just do what feels comfortable for you and your personality style. I allowed myself to feel pressured by others so I pushed it when I really didn't need to and before she was ready. I think that redirecting his behavior is a great strategy and sounds like it works for him. Just make sure you build your discipline tool box while he's this young so when new behaviors crop up, you'll have a place to go to pull out new techniques. Read behavior books and file away the techniques you think fit your style. Keep a card file or computer file of things that sound good to you. Teachers have books and books on behavior strategies so even people who deal with multiple kids on a daily basis need reminders of things they could try for certain behaviors. As your son gets older, he will require you to use different techniques so start developing them now so you can pull them out of your bag of tricks when a situation warrants it. You can never have too many things in that bag. :) Good luck!

Aloha-

I started potty training my son at about the same age (which was a long time ago). He responded really well with identifying with a favorite character. At that time it was Mickey Mouse. I let him know that MM was certainly a big boy and used the potty and since he wanted to be like Mickey, he just decided on his own to be a big boy too. At the same time a girlfried used bribery (new toys, etc). Worked like a charm until the toys ran out, then it took about another six to eight months to get him on track again, so I don't recommend THAT!

I see nothing wrong with distracting your son with a tickle. He is still too young to understand cause and effect so things like time- out don't really work. As he gets older he just needs to know what is appropriate behavior for a particular event or place. A park is a great place to run and yell, a movie isn't. Sometimes it means to pack things up and go to the car & home a couple of times before he gets the connection. There were time when the kids were yelling in the car on the way to maybe the park. I would just pull the car to the shoulder and sit there until they asked what was going on and told them they were too noisy and it was difficult to drive. If they wanted to go to the park, they immediately got the hint and talked quiter.

On climbing--kids all develop at different paces. He may innately feel that he's not ready even if you think he is. He will probably grow out of the fear when he sees his own playmates doing the activity. I wouldn't push him. At this age you should probably count your lucky stars that he's not climbing atop the refrigerator to get down the box of cereal! Good Luck

No it is not too early for potty training. I say never force your child but you can definitely use positive reinforcment and other small techniques to help. Start with establishing a routine like 1st thing in the morning, while filling up the bath and last thing before bedtime have your child sit on the toilet and when changing his diaper change him in the bathroom so he associates that function with that room. Rewards are always good. I say whatever works. It can be as simple as letting him flush or stickers or candy (recommend mini m&ms)or anything that he does not get all the time and really likes. Good luck!

Aloha! I can only tell you how I was with my own son. He's 17 now, so I guess I can say with some certainty that SOMETHING I did was right! (I say "I" because my husband pretty much just let me do my own thing with him!) He's an incredibly mature, well-balanced, kind and intelligent individual. He's never gone through that "I-hate-my-parents" stage and was never embarrassed of us or my hugs and kisses. He's a great student. OK, so enough about my "credentials"!

I always listened to him and took time for him (in this, I was lucky because I was able to work only part-time). I slowed my life down to match his. I think, looking back, that I figured he was kind of like I would be if I were to land tomorrow in a foreign country. So I took time to explain things to him in a way I thought he could relate to. If we went into a toy store but I wasn't planning on getting him anything, I'd explain ahead of time that we were just going in "to check out the possibilities." I explained that all those things belonged to the store until we exchanged money for them. (We even talked about how people used to exchange work for food or items for items, etc., but that now we use money instead and isn't that interesting?)

If he really wanted something, I'd suggest that we remember exactly what it is and, as soon as we get home, let's write it on our Christmas (or birthday) list, which was always at his level on the refrigerator. If it was something it seemed he REALLY couldn't live without, we'd talk about it and, if it wasn't too huge (a swing set, for example!), I'd just get it for him. I mean, haven't we all had those "I-can't-live-without-it" moments? I know I have!

So, if he's afraid to climb, go with that. He'll climb when he's ready. Maybe that'll be in a week, maybe it'll be in a year or two. My little guy wouldn't even attempt something until he knew he could do it. And then when he did, he would master it on the first try! As for the other toddlers, don't worry. We all have different skills (your son probably has some that they don't), we all grow in different ways and at different speeds. And maybe he's just not the sporty kind. Would you be OK with that? I mean, what are you telling him by trying to force him or pointing out to him that the other kids are doing it? That he's not good enough, that you don't like this about him. I always asked myself: Am I doing/saying this for HIM or for ME?

Same with the potty training. He'll do it when he's ready. Unless you HAVE to have him trained by a certain date, for some reason (like preschool or something), I'd just leave him. I've never met a 7-year-old in diapers (I know some kids have problems at night, but that's a different story). You might have to give him a little more time now, because of the earlier experience.

The tickling thing, I don't know. It's certainly not going to resolve anything, but it sounds like it helps distract both of you. It's kind of like changing the subject. The issue's still there, you're just not talking about it. Whatever works, is my motto, I'd just remember to get back to whatever the issue was a little later, when things have calmed down and you can listen to his side and present yours.

When we talked about things, I tried to present things in terms of experiences I knew he'd had before, with friends, at school, etc., like: Remember how you felt when ...? Or remember how you were worried about ... and it all turned out OK?

We did a lot of compromising, the way you do with other adults. After all, when was the last time you said a flat-out NO to an adult without even explaining? Why would you treat a child with any less respect?

Anyway, this is long-winded and I guess it all comes down to the last thing I mentioned: respect. And with that comes trust. Trust that if you let him, he'll be OK. If you respect him, he'll learn to respect himself and others.

Hope this helps a little. Good luck! Two is a great age (so is 3 and 4 and 5 and 10 and 17 ...!)

K.