Potty Training Trouble

Hi J.. I would say a 3 year old should be ready for potty training. Has his dad tried taking him to the bathroom and showing him how the boys do it? I would be concerned if he is showing fear about the potty after being with his mom. That is a red flag in my book. Potty training is different for everyone. I would cut back on his beverages, especially before bed, put him on the potty first thing in the morning and the last thing before bed. Try and observe when he seems to go. Kids tend to be some what routine at that age. Also try praise and rewards for when he does go and try to avoid anger when he doesn't. It really is a trial and error process. Good luck!

My son will be 3 in October and am about to embark on the potty training experience myself. I think boys are different and train later, so I haven't felt the need to rush this process. He's shown interest in his little potty, so I think we're just about ready. I am planning on spending 4 solid days without diapers to help him get the sensation of going and having control. I plan on making special trips to certain stores with him the day before to pick out "prizes" as rewards.
Hope this helps even if just a little!

Try not to wear pull-ups through the day. They seem to feel that they have a diaper on. I know it tends to be messy but he will realize that it is not the same. Maybe when he does go on the potty, give him a reward, like a favorite snack or something. Praise him when he goes. I would still put a daiper on him at bedtime and also for naps. Don't give up!!!! Try not to over give liquids. Best of luck to you!! T. H.

Okay so I am the mother of two and I am going through somewhat of the same situation. My son is going to be 5 in November. He was trying to potty train when I left his father and moved with the kids. Then as soon as we got custody situated my son regressed back to wetting himself all the time and never wanting to go to the bathroom. I went the route of letting him wet himself in big boy underwear. It took him awhile, but we did eventually get him to stay dry during the day. Now we are working on night time he still is wearing pullups at night a soaking through them. It is frustrating but you just have to let them go at it in their own pace. What we found out is that my son took the split really hard and going back and forth to houses that was his way of dealing with everything that was happening. So with your step son going back and forth that could be what he's doing is he is having issues with the change and he is trying to get you to notice it. It will take time butyou will get through it. Good luck.
S.
mother of two: son 5 and Daughter: 4

Hi J. M.

My son is 11 years old, and Im having my 2nd in a few weeks. I do have two girls in bewteen. I never did pull ups, with eigher one of my kids. My son was good we made it in to games. He picked out his underwear and I brought alot of them. Then when we are at home I made sure we didint have to go out. What I did was I put them on and when he didnt make it to the bathroom I let him sit with on for at least 5 minutes. Or until he got really un comfotable with them on. It took a couple of days, but he did it. Also when going to the bathroom put cheerios and he can aim for them. He always liked that. Good luck
B.

Honestly, I would wait until he seems REALLY ready. If he's yelling "no potty" then he isn't ready. My daughter was using the potty at about 16 months old. At 2 I put her in underwear (per her ped's recommendation). She lasted 3 days before the accidents started. I put her back in pull-ups because she was hiding and peeing behind furniture and stuff so I knew she didn't want to be wearing them. I tried again around 2 and 1/2 years. Again, she was keeping her diapers dry and clean and only using the potty anyway. But, when she wore underwear she peed and pooped in them. She lasted almost a week in underwear that time. But again, she started going in her underwear out of spite (on furniture, on the front seat of my car, etc). I put her back in pull-ups. She regressed to the point of wearing actual diapers again. Then right before her 3rd bday she decided she was ready and asked to be a big girl and wear underwear. It's been much easier! Plus, it'll be hard with your son going back and forth between 2 homes. Boys potty train later than girls and many boys are between 3 and 4. I would show him some potty videos and when he shows interest then make the switch. Good Luck!!

I helped my husband potty train my youngest step daughter. She was potty trained at our house long before she was potty trained at her mom's house, so you should be able to potty train him at your house even though it's different from Mom's style. We just put my step daughter in underwear. She had a few accidents and then realized she had to use the potty. We tried pull ups but that just seemed to confuse her so we went right with underwear. Good luck.

I just had to chime in that i also have trouble getting answers on here, I asked a few days ago about MOVING and selecting a new School district. Thankfully i got one response to that. I guess i'm not sure if people aren't seeing it, or if they just aren't interested.
Anyhow, on to your question. This is just my opinion, I would maybe back off totally for a month, not even mentioning anything about the potty. Keep a good eye on him and notice what times of the day he seems to need to go. My son would poop everynight at 5:30 right when i was trying to get dinner on the table. If he's not that regular, try to at least see how often he is peeing and pooping, so you know if he just peed at 3pm he generally won't do it again until 4:30 or 5. In my experience, no child that age will willingly stop what they are doing to tell you then need to go potty. That comes later. I personally never ask a 3 yr old if They want to do anything, unless it truely is ok if they say no. To potty train him you just have to physically get him to the potty often enough that he goes pee and starts to understand that that is where he should pee.

Then when the month is up. introduce the Books and videos- Elmo or what ever you can find that would motivate him. I would also suggest looking at the library for them instead of investing in them.
Then, i would take him shopping to pick out undies. The coolest ones you can find, LOTS of them, You may want to also get the plastic diapers for going out in public,-If he's receptive he could wear those by themselves or put the cool ones on under and put the plastic ones on top---- and some of the extra thick super absorbant plain ones.
And then just pick a day or a time of day when you can put his undies on him and spend your time watching the clock and giving him his fill of liquids. Give him sipps of what ever he likes to drink (please no pop) to fill up his bladder and then every 15 mins or so take him over and keep him occupied on the potty until he goes or gets really bored. There will be lots of accidents, don't punish or even get upset, he just needs to clean it up and start over. I think he has to go cold turkey in underwear to understand why it feels gross.
I think kids understand that they can act one way with one person and completely different with another. Would it be ideal if his mom was on board, YES. Will it be harder for him because she's not, YES. But he will get it, It's just going to take alot of patience on your part. But think of how much money you'll have when he is out of diapers!!!
Good luck

J.,

I think that perhaps the first thing to do is rephrase what needs to be done.... I know we tend to say potty "training," but it's really potty "learning." Your step-son needs to learn how to use the potty...and he will do so in his own time...without being "trained." (There are exceptions to this, of course, but he's only 3... having him "train" before he is ready may not be the best way to approach all this.)

My son was 3 1/2 when he decided (finally) that he wanted underwear. Let me back step... My first child, my daughter, was 16 months old when she totally self-trained. That is, one day when she was about 15 months old, she decided she wanted to use the potty. I spoke with our pediatrician as I did not want to push a 15 month old to use the potty. The doctor said that, by all means, we should get the potty, as our daughter WANTED to use it and had been exhibiting signs...imitating me, etc. That was it.... By 16 months old she was "trained" and in underwear from then on. She was in pull-ups at night for a while, but during the day she was 100% dry.

Then came my son. He had absolutely no interest in underwear.... Then, while on vacation, at age 3 1/2, he announced, out of the blue while I was changing him, that he wanted underwear. I said that's great, but let's wait until we get home. He was insistent, but I said we had 4 more days and then he can try underwear. We walked into our home at 8 PM on a Saturday night, and my son immediately said, "OK, I want underwear." So, I got him his underwear (that had been picked out months and months earlier). He had an accident. Then another. And then that was it. No more diapers or pull-ups or whatever he was wearing then. (He was and is a big boy, so I think we had to use pull-ups, as he had out-grown his size 6 diapers). He was dry 24/7, no night-time or day-time wetting after that initial day, other than 2 accidents (while we were out, of course) in the first few months after that.

I had a whole jar of toys I had bought at U.S. Toys to give him as rewards, but we never even got to them! He just went from diapers to underwear overnight, literally. (My daughter did, too, but she still had the pull-ups at night, as I mentioned.)

Moral of the story: each kid is on his own time clock. Maybe your son is not yet "ready."

Of course, things for you are more complicated as you have no idea what's going on when he's not with you. Are you able to get any info from your son?

I would think that, once he's ready, HE will call the shots, whether he's with you or with his "other mom."

Good luck! Just don't fret if he's not ready yet. If he were going to kindergarten, then maybe there would be a reason to fret, but you still have time.

Good luck!

My last son did not potty train until he was 3 1/2 yeasr old. He also did it in one day and was completely potty trained. Boys can be slower and sometimes lazier.

Potty training is different with each child. My oldest who is now 18 was potty trained before she was two. My third child who is a boy wasnt potty trained till he was 3.5. My middle daughter wasn't potty trained till three. I use the reward system for my kids. My youngest who is now three and a girl was being pushed to potty train by her father whom she sees a few times a week. I found that he pushed and would punish her if she didnt use the potty seat. I in turn made sure it was her choice to go or not. Makes it a tad harder to really get them potty trained but it works for her. You need to find out what works for him. I wouldn't push him, because it seems he might not be ready yet. I would also recommend you back up a bit and let him decide when he wants to go since you do not know what is going on over at his mom's house. Hope this helps.

Jenn

I have four kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. I'm sure you've already heard that boys tend to be harder to potty train than the girls? My oldest boy was the most difficult to train. He would pee in the potty, but not poop. He was happy to hide behind a chair or something and go in his underpants! As messy as it was....I just stocked up on lots of little boys underpants (threw them in the trash if need be), and did not go to the pull-ups or diapers with him. The big overnight change with him was when his cousins (a little bit older than him) asked him to spend the night, but they told him he has to be able to go on the potty all the time, cuz Aunt Lin doesn't change diapers anymore. It was like a light went on, and from then on he went on the potty....this was at age 3. With my other son, I would buy little toys, trucks, batmam figure....little things that you know they want? and use that as a reward....maybe make a chart with stickers? and after going on the pot for so many days....he gets the toy of his choice? Also, don't know specifics about this, but I know that Dr. Phil did a show about this last year...he has some method that is supposed to potty train the child in like a day or two? maybe try to look up his info on the internet? Just try to stick with it and be consistent, no matter what is going on at his mom's house. Good luck!

Hi J.,

My son just turned 3 in July. We decided it was time to train him. Previously, he would go once in a while, but preferred to just go in his diaper. We went shopping together for some cute underwear, then we took one weekend where we stayed home and didn't go anywhere and we spent the whole weekend in underwear. He went in his underwear as many times as he went on the potty. I tried not to scold him, but just to say "let's go on the potty next time" and change him. He still got a diaper for nap and nighttime, but was in underwear all day. I think the whole process was harder on me than on him - but he is now "trained". I have it in quotes because he does a good job of holding his potty, but he still doesn't like to poop on the potty. He also will not tell me when he needs to go. I take him every 75 minutes or so. If I let it go longer than that, he has an accident. I don't ask him if he needs to go, I tell him "its time to go on the potty". If I ask, he will say he doesn't need to. We also created a potty chart - if he goes on the potty, he gets a sticker to put on his chart (we bought lots of fun stickers). If he goes poop on the potty, he gets 2 stickers and a special treat (special toy or gets to watch a movie, his choice). We now go everywhere in underwear and he does pretty well unless I forget to take him every 1-1.5 hours.

I would say - go ahead and start when you have your step son for the longest period of time. That way you will get 5 good days in before he goes to his moms. He may have a set back every week when he goes to see his mom, but hopefully he will benefit from the positive influence that you have on him and he will get trained.

Good luck!
J.

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Hello J.,
My name is M. and I also have a 3 year old, well he will turn 3 tomorrow. I started him in May and he would also pee and then get off and go in a corner and poop. Well, when he got his little seat that helped so his legs did not hurt trying to hold himself up. I also told him that the potty needed to eat and it only eats poo poo so he had to feed the potty (I know sounds nasty), but worked. I also had rewards for him as well if he remember to go. You can get stickers, extra fruit snacks etc. I was also given a book called my first potty and he loved to see how the baby went from going in a diaper to going on the potty. I hope this helps a little.

Good Luck

M.

It may confuse him a little when he goes to his mom's house, but this is what I have done for all 3 of my children. I just put them in underwear. Yes, they had accidents - I just kept taking them every 1 1/2 - 2 hours and sat them on the potty - the big one. What I noticed, was very quickly they DIDN'T want the diapers on - it felt good to be in underwear - they refused to wear it to bed within a day or two. I don't know if this will work for you, every child is different, but it's an easy thing to try!

Sounds like a little bit of a wierd situation between you and his mom. In my opinion, that should probably be resolved first so you are both on the same page. If you aren't, then it probably won't work or it will take 10 times as long to potty train him. My son just turned 2 a couple months ago so we're just starting the whole potty thing. We started out by telling him as we were changing his diaper that he peed or pooped. It only took a few days and now he tells us right away if he peed or pooped and we change his daiper. He sits on the potty but doesn't go on it yet...I just assume that's still a step to come. I heard that boys take longer to train too. My friend has a son that just turned 3 and he just now started going on the potty. She also let him pick out his own underwear too and she said that really made a difference cause he didn't want to "get them dirty". I'd also try to talk to him to see exactly what he means by "no potty". Sounds like something is going on at mom's house and he comes home upset about the potty. You should try to find more out about that. (just my opinion, of course!)

Sorry I can't provide more help, but we're still in the starting stages too! I hope some others have some advice as well. Good luck!

My oldest son didn't potty train until four and that was when I had my second was born. One thing that works wonders is letting them run around bare bottomed. You have to keep a close eye on them for obvious reasons. But it works. Doctor Phil has some great pointers on his website.

Hi
I have two boys, one is almost 3 the other is 6. With the first boy I did what you did, trying to put him on the potty etc but soon he became resistent. Finally, after he was three and we had moved (i didn't do it during that whole process) we did cold turkey. He asked for underwear and I put it on him and we never looked back, even though he asked for diapers again (I did not comply). It took about a week and one pooh mess in underwear and that was it. I've been talking to my younger son now about getting underwear when he is 3 and I'm going to try the cold turkey method with him too after his birthday. He refuses now, and I think I just have to make it matter to him (it's runnning down his legs) and then hopefully he will start to make the connections. I've heard the magic age for boys is 3 although I believe every kid is different. i'm hoping this works with my younger son as it did with the eldest.
I am prone to think that having more than one method/person training would be confusing so I'm not sure how you would handle that with his mom unless you do it on a week where he does not see her.

I plan on going out and buying special underwear soon(his birthday is in Oct) and maybe even take him along for the special event. once those candles are burned and the gifts are given and the cake is eaten, watch out! we're going cold turkey!

Hi J.,
I think you all need to resolve together what the plan is going to be. The mom, like it or not, needs to be cooperative with this for progress. I'm wondering if she isn't "pressuring" him too much so she can wear the Potty Training Victory Crown? That will make him NOT want to do it.
My son loved the book Once Upon A Potty (boy version). Something just clicked from that book. I know they now have a DVD too. Also, for some reason , my son liked to face backwards on the toilet--I think he felt more secure. Like he wouldn't fall.
Do you think you would know in advance when he will be at home for the entire week? maybe you could try then to allow consistency over several (5-6) days?

My son was a difficult trainer, too. My theory was to wait until they stayed dry at night. For me, that was a sign that he had bladder control and we limited evening drinks. Once that was in place, I started the process with him. I made it a point of having the potty chair out in the middle of the living room and would encourage him every 1/2 hour or so to go, either in the chair, or in the toilet. Sometimes I would put Cheerios in the toilet and make a game of it - something along the lines of "hit the Cheerios, son" or dish soap in the toilet and encourage him to "make bubbles" with his pee. He got the hang of peeing in the toilet pretty quickly and that's when I started with underwear during the day and little else on his body. Pooping took a little longer, but the minute he started to get "the look" I would get him on the toilet or potty chair. If he got anything in his underwear, I would put it in the toilet and explain to him "this is where poop belongs". I found that having him repeat back to me what I had said would help reinforce the idea of going on the toilet. Also, I am not a proponent of bribery, but in the case of potty training all bets are off!! I would bribe with cookies or some kind of treat. We would also do the "potty song and dance" that kind of goes like "peepies (or poopies) in the pottie" and dance around for them with lots of hi-5's, hugs and "good jobs" whenever they successfully used the toilet. We did use pull-ups at night.

Although I have never had to deal with a step-parent, and I am not sure what your relationship is with her, I hope that you can get across to her the importance of working as a team to help him achieve this goal.

And, remember, no kid graduates high school in a diaper :)

good luck.

My son is 4 and still is not trained. He has gone pee on the potty 3 times only. He tells me that he can't feel when it's coming and the doctor says that often happens with boys.

My pediatrician tells me NOT TO PUSH him at all. He said it will have the reverse effect and he will be traumatized. We are not pushing. We are gently reminding him and we're trying cold turkey to underwear at certain times of day at home but not out in public just yet (the pullups he wears don't bother him at all when wet).

I have 2 friends whose boys were 5 before they were fully trained. One of which wouldn't poop...got himself all worked up and constipated, which is what I DO NOT want to do with my son.

Eventually he will come around. Try to make it fun and try to be gentle about it.

Good luck and let me know if you have any successful tips or stories you want ot share with me!

The fact that he will sit on the potty for you is a good sign and I would continue to allow him to do that because I think he will catch on as long as he is not forced. I'm sure it would help if you would introduce undies during the day time. Whenever you are getting ready to go out during the day, mention that you are going to use the potty and casually ask him if he needs to use it before you leave. Be prepared for accidents. Potty training, like crawling and walking, is something that does not happen overnight, but if you use gentle encouragement and patience, it will happen. The most important thing is not to make too much of a big deal out of it because he will sense your anxiety and it will become a negative thing for him. It would help if his mother would do the same, but you can't control what happens on the days he is not with you. It may take him longer because of the two home situation, but he will eventually learn if you gently encourage him. Good Luck!

He will be confused if two different methods are being used. It's important to be consistent. I feel the best way to potty train is to use regular underwear. I think pull ups are confusing because they feel like a diaper.

Hi J.,
I wish I had good advice for you. I am a Mom of 3 1/2 year old twin boys who are refusing to potty train. It is a frustrating process. I would not recommend Pullups, I feel like they back fired. I would say that his Bio Mom should be working with you and letting you know her methods to help her son. I am also a step mom of two girls that live with Bio Mom most of the time and she would not inform us of anything when the girls are with us. When they were sick she would not even send medicine. I would try to have your husband communicate with her for the best interest of his son. Hang in there and be patient. Do not push the potty issue, it has gotten me no where. Good luck

sp

Good for you!! Step-mom's are great!! I was raised by my dad and step-mom and I love her. I actually call her mom! Now, to your son; get rid of the pull ups! No diapers either. Let him REALLy feel how icky it is to be wet or have pooh in his big boy underwear. I have not tried this with my son. He is getting closer to being ready to potty train but not yet. All the mom's have told me to not use pull ups. They make extra padded training pants and rubber pants which are cotton lined. They aren't the type that our parents used. They are a million times better. You will be changing the training pants a lot so by a few pairs. Good luck and stick to it. Don't go back to pull ups or diapers, except at night since it takes longer for night training.

Hi J., I have 5 children...the boys were not fully potty trained until 3 or 3 1/2 (except at night)and they pretty much did it with no fuss. Tell the Mom what you are doing to help him along (I like the book thing...I used to have a short book handy in the bathroom and read to them too) and ask if she has any suggestions just so that she feels like she is part of the process. I have never stressed about this particular milestone...children grow at their own pace...Good luck! M.

I would not push the issue at all. He may be reluctant if he is being punished at his moms or if she is just having him go i his diaper. I am also a step parent and that can certainly add to the difficulty with some behaviors. Just be careful not to discuss issues of his mom when he can hear you.

I'd offer a lot of praise when he uses the potty. Let him use the regular toilet if he prefers. Buy him 'special' underwear with a favorite character on them. I'd wear them over the pull up for right now. Maybe his dad can take him in to the toilet often, go himself and then encourage his son to go too, "just like daddy". It will happen when he is emotionally ready and able. Hang in there!

I have a little girl and i know it is different from a boy but I will tell you. Taking them every 30 minutes or so will help. Yes it is time consuming and does feel like you are in the bathroom all day but honestly you can get an idea on when he really goes to the bathroom. do it even when you are out. Setting an alarm to remind both you and him may help as well. But always remember to take him when he first wakes up before and after meals or snacks and before bedtime/nap time. For awhile i used diapers during naps/bedtime and regular training underwear during the day. Once they can sleep thru the night or nap with out being wet(for at least a week straight)then you won't need diapers/pull ups anymore. I never used pull ups they were a pain and costly.Good luck!

First let me say that I am sorry that you have not had a response to your request. It could be that there are so many potty training requests here that some of us may have missed your last request.

I personally like Dr. Phil's method and have offered that to many of my clients. Those that have used it had much success. Every child needs consistency however I do believe that you can accomplish this even without mom's cooperation. Every child develops on their own. Every healthy child is successfully potty trained. In the long run, the age at which he/she masters these particular skills doesn't matter. It's not a reflection of your skills as a parent or your love for him. Doing it earlier doesn't mean he's smarter or more coordinated. However if you start potty training before your child is biologically and emotionally ready, you're both going to become frustrated and upset. It will also drag out the process because it's likely to turn into a battle of wills. This is a battle that parents never win.
Most children become potty trained between 18 and 30 months. However, some children still struggle with the skills when they're 4 years old. But if you look closely, your child will tell you with his behavior that he is probably ready to begin. First ask yourself these important readiness questions:

Does he have bowel movements at a fairly predictable time? Does he let you know through words or behaviors that he's aware that he's having one?

Can he pull down and pull up his pants?

Does he show an interest in the bathroom and what other people do in it?

Can he walk over to and sit down on the potty by himself?

Has he started saying "No!" to you? Does he like to have at least some of his toys in certain special places? This shows that he's interested in controlling things in her environment.

Does he know what "wet" and "dry" mean?

Does he respond to praise and want to please you?
If your child shows most of these behaviors, he may be ready to begin.
Never try to potty train a child during a time of stress, such as when your family is moving or going on vacation, or when the child is sick. If it doesn't seem to be working, take a break and try again in a few weeks or months. It will happen; just give it time.
These are suggestions from a local newspaper article that was just recently published here. This is also what I give to my clients in a Toilet Learning Oreintation sheet.
One more important thing that I share with parents is: please be SURE that your child is DRESSED FOR SUCCESS. By that I mean no snaps, onesies, belts, or jumpers/overalls. Loose fitting pull up pants are best.
In my (personal) opinion I prefer cloth training pants to pullups. I do understand in this busy time that parents find the pullups more convienient, so I caution them that it just may take longer to train.
You can also check into Potty Patty and Potty Scotty. This goes hand in hand with Dr. Phil's method. I believe the website is www.pottypatty.com They carry all sorts of potty training resources.
As for the Mom being on board -- yes it would help. Children need consistency. But I do believe that he will potty train, sooner or later even without mom's cooperation.
I have 3 of my students "in training" now. One of them my grand-daughter. I understand your frustration. If you feel that he does not meet the criteria just hold off and try again, in a month or so.
Good Luck and God Bless.
M.

Hello J.,

I can sympathize with your potty training trouble. I have a son who is 8 years old now. I had a very hard time potty training him. He would poop on the potty after he was about 3 1/2, but he would always pee in his pull ups. He understood the concept, he just didn't want to do it! It was the morning of his 4th... ( yes, 4th! ) birthday and I had him in the bath tub. I had a little talk with him. I told him he was suppose to turn 4 today, but he was not allowed to turn 4 if he still went potty in his pants. I made up a story about "birthday nappers." I told him they were going to come and steal all his presents and cake if he didn't go on the potty because you weren't allowed to wear pull ups when you were 4 years old. Maybe it was a little over the top of me but it worked! He put underware on when he got out of the bath and never went in his pants again. I would not worry too much about your step son. Something will click in his head one day. He is lucky to have such a caring step mom.

Hey J.,
I would certainly advocate the cold turkey method. I was a preschool teacher (2's) for five years and a weekend of cold turkey (even just going naked around the house or outside) always had great results. It really helps a child understand the cause and effect when they can feel themselves potty! I'd say if he's sitting on the potty and enjoying it in your care then, he's certainly ready. I'm not a fan at all of bribery with children, but potty training is the exception! I've never met a little one who doesn't enjoy a little M&M treat after a successful trip to the bathroom. One for pee and two for poo and they're usually always excited to give it a try! Good luck!
:) S.

I'm sorry to hear what your son said. I'm sure it did just break your heart. It did mine just reading it. I'm sure you're right on the money about his bio mom. She probably just says what she says because she has him so little. She probably doesn't want to look like more of a failure than she already is with him.
From a mom of 3 boys, it sounds like you are doing everything right on your end. Sometimes they're just not ready and sometimes it's something else. Sometimes it's both. I like the idea of "No more diaper day." November sounds like a good time to try again. It gives him a little time to try to get over the trauma of what mom was doing to him.
It sounds like you are doing an awesome thing over there. You deserve a huge pat on the back. I can't imagine what you probably have to go through with her and how he must act when he gets home from being with her.
Keep it up. You're doing a great job of stepping into being his mom.

Boys are just tougher than girls to potty train, in my opinion. Usually having dad work with them, to be like daddy, is a big help. Praise for "job well done" doesn't hurt any either. I wonder if there is a book in the library, or Barnes and Nobles with advise on this topic? By age three he should probably have a pretty good grasp on the idea. I don't know if this is helpful, just my rcollection of days gone by. Now I have a foster child who is 9 1/2 and poor bathroom habits are how he expreses anger and frustration! Like I said, boys.....

J. -

first of all - don't worry. The way we got my son to do it was the reward system. Also he goes to daycare - so what we tried was putting pictures up in the bathroom of Spiderman (whom he loves). The teachers told him that Spiderman would stay in the bathroom...but if he had a lot of accidents then Spiderman would have to come down. (This helped with the pooping because he had something to look at) Well...he didn't have any accidents and then other kids started putting their pictures (winnie the pooh, disney princesses, etc.) up and it helped them. The teachers couldnt' believe it. So we put Spiderman up in the bathroom at home too. Also - my son loves getting mail...so my Mom told him that whenever he stayed dry all day she would send him something. (I would get a little something from the dollar store and put it in the mailbox for when we got home as if it came from her) We also did the reward system with M&M's...but if you go that route make sure he brushes his teeth really well! (My son ended up getting a cavity...but he was potty trained!) Also - my son just turned 5. He isn't potty trained at night yet. I hope this gives you some help. Also - it may be a bit tougher if he is being trained two different ways. You all should be on the same page so he feels comfortable. This is a big deal for him...don't push it though. If you are really worried - talk to his pediatrician. Good Luck! Don't worry!

L.

Hi J.:

Wanted to respond - just to respond and let you know you're not alone out there in cyberspace.

I really don't have any advice b/c my son just turned 2 and we're kind of experimenting with the potty. Sometimes he has an interest, sometimes not. He does pee on the potty and even pooped a few times, but that's b/c I sat him on it.

My son has 4 books about potty - his "baby ernie" one he likes most. We also have an Elmo video -- both of these are on Amazon.com -- that he likes a lot.

We just had an apt. with the pediatrician and he told me those times I ask, "do you want to use the potty" or when I try to put him on while he's pooping in the corner, the pediatrician told us not to do that.... that it will make it take longer for our son to go on his own.

Good Luck,

C.

He may not be ready yet. My nephew will be 3 at the end of the month and he has absolutely zero interest in even sitting on the potty. When my sister-in-law asks him if he wants to "go on the potty like a big boy".....he says, "No, I'm still a baby." Simply put, he is not ready yet either.
Have you tried any of the potty videos (elmo or bear in the big blue house) or a potty book to read together? Does your husband let him wander into the bathroom with him, so your son can see, exactly, what to do? Maybe introducing him to standing while pee-ing would be a fun game for him and spark a little interest? You can put a couple of Cheerios in the toilet bowl and let him aim??
I hope you find a solution that works for you and your child. Good Luck!

If he is sitting than it seems he is ready. He has to want to do it - so if he says "No Potty" then you shouldn't make him go - not at that moment anyway. Definitely put big boy underpants on him. It is always going to be messy when you make that step - there is no avoiding that. Let him go shopping to pick out the "big boy" underpants with you. Help him realize that he has control. By letting him decide what underpants he wants, he will be reassured that he is in "control". If his mother puts diapers on him that will prolong the progress because it is in her best interest (and her rugs best interest) but not in his best interest. She may be insisting to do things differently from you as a control issue all her own. It may be best for your husband to try and commmunicate with her without telling her how she has to do it. Have your husband reassure the mother that her opinion and strategy is very important and that she will be the one that the child looks to for confidence. If she believes he can do it - ie. no diapers - than he will believe he can do it! Hugs and stickers work well as rewards as well because you can take them in your purse wherever you go. Good luck!

I absolutely think you should go cold turkey. Three is plenty old enough! You need to let him know that diapers are not an option anymore and are for babies. Maybe you can take him out and have him pick his favorite "big boy" underwear. I really think people are waiting way to long to potty train. I actually saw a couple of kids in kindergarten with pull ups...yikes! Fortunately the teacher got right on top of the parents. As long as you are consistant for a couple of days everything should be fine. Best of luck.

I have four boys. Two were trained at 4 one was 3 and 1/2. Hope this gives you a rough idea of typical age. The mum who gave you the advice from Dr Phil is spot on. The nice thing about getting them when they're ready. They pretty much do it themselves after just a few days. Commando is the way to go. Time how long he can hold his urine between potty breaks. Take the average and this is when you should take him potty. Usually every 30 minutes. Then you can progress to every hour. Set a timer to remind you and him. If hes peeing all the time maybe you should wait until his body starts to hold it longer. Good luck.

J., The first thing I would do is talk to your son's doctor. They usually have good ideas, especially when dealing with his mom. Kids generally go when they are ready, some take a litlle push willingly and others will rebel. Be patient it sounds like he's getting two different approaches to the whole thing and he's probably confused. Good luck, be patient. C. L.

I am a mom of five, and I'll just tell you a little about what I did with my kids, although each one is a little different. First I would try to catch them when they were just getting ready to go (poop is easier, obviously), and I would say "Wait! Let's go to the potty!", and I would rush them in there and put them on the potty and try to get them to finish in there. Remember to keep it light and not get angry, of course. I would also ask them about a bzillion times a day, "Do you need to go potty?", to try to get them into the habit of telling me. If you feel it's appropriate, you can reward your child with something small for telling you, if they do, indeed, go potty. (They might just say it to get the treat...kids are so smart!) Anyway, after you feel they are starting to get it, it would probably be a good idea to make them go without the diaper or pull-up. I think not wanting to feel wet and yucky is a good incentive to a child to go on the potty, and I have a friend whose pediatrician advised this method as well. It will be a pain for you helping to clean it up, but it hopefully won't be for long! The only other thing I have to say is, yes, it would be better if you and mom were both employing the same methods...maybe if you act like you're asking her for advice on helping the child pottytrain she'll be more likely to answer you. If she still won't tell you, then just do what you feel is best. The child will still get it eventually! I hope this helps, and I'm sorry you never got any responses before.

Potty training takes time and I think everyone needs to communicate so that everyone is on the same page with his progress. His mother needs to work with him and share her methods with you and you should share yours with her. I tried the pull ups and they helped a little with my daughter but panties worked the best. She became uncomfortable as soon as she peed. I also watched for signs that she had to go and then I would have her sit for 5 minutes on the potty or I would have her try every hour.

I feel for ya- with my oldest ( a boy) I was working, and my Mom watched him while I worked. She didn't really attempt to help with potty training duty, and I didn't really expect her to. I was just grateful she was able to watch him, and didn't want it to be to much to handle. Anyway, We potty trained on my 2 days off, which made for a long process till he finally got it.I tried to take all pressure off, and would ask if he was ready to sit on the potty. Sometimes he was, sometimes not. But when he did go, you would have thought someone won the lottery- we clapped and yelled-it was so crazy and fun, but it worked.

Now it did take longer for him to go all night w/o an accident, but I think it's harder for boys anyway. We kept a little potty and nightlight in his room and that helped.

Your situation is a little different because of the Mother being involved. I would just disregard whatever she does since it seems she's not willing to collaberate. Just make training at your house fun and relaxed and happy with no pressure- and remember- He's not going to be in High school in diapers! Eventually- he will get it!

( don't feel bad BTW, I've had two requests so far and zero responses (: )

i hope you get some helpful responses - though i'm not there yet, i'm about to start trying and wanted to share the advice i've been given. first of all - i spoke to my pediatrician about potty training and got good advice about the child showing various signs of readiness. he said he/she needs to be ready before trying or it just might frustrate the child. talk to your stepson's ped. for tips. i also have a couple books as well that are helpful. my friend trained her daughter in 3 days using the no diaper in the house trick and yes, she peed on the floor once or twice, but while she was naked she would show the sign [looking down, spreading the legs a little] that she was going to pee and her mom just picked her up and rushed her onto the potty and praised her mightily for doing it in the potty. she would have her sit on the potty every half hour or so and read a book to see if she would pee, and never scold her or say anything about when she peed on the floor. she would take a little warm water and pour it down her pubic area and say "see, pee pee!" as it would collect in the bowl. the warm water makes them pee sometimes, and now after just a few days, she is going to the potty on her own. my daughter was 2 in may, but when we are having another baby around halloween and we were advised to wait til after, as a big change can make them regress. something sounds shady with his mom - i think she's not trying, as i'm assuming you're not. i'm sure that will affect your progress. good luck!

Wow, that is a tough situation. I would think that it would be best for you and his mom to be on the same page with the potty training. That said, it sounds like she isn't the most cooperative of people. I would wait a few months and try again. If it can be your stepson's choice, then maybe his mom will have to go with it. what if you tried to read books and watch videos about using the potty but didn't ask him to use it. Plant the idea without the "pressure"? I waited until my son was 3 1/2 to potty train because he had NO interest. I just put him in underware. He wet his pants every 2 hours so I figured he had some control and it was just a matter of sticking it out. My son never cared about a dirty diaper and still (at 5 1/2) hates using the potty. I really think he'd still be in diapers if I let him ;). I wouldn't worry about him not pooping on the potty. That can come later. You could also ask the doctor what s/he thinks. They may have more experience with it

Good luck, it sounds like the mother isn't going to make this easy for you!

*wow, I didn't realize that after I responded there were 45 messages for you, well best of luck! ----Aww-sorry that you keep making requests. Sometimes so many of us do pass the buck when it comes to the most redundant issues-such as potty trianing, otherwise so many of us apt. to read about the situation and use it for oneself instead of responding if they are dealing with the same issue.
As far as the potty training issue is concerned....I would not pressure him. Kids generally will tell you in a small way that they want to be big boys and girls.(e.g- they go to the potty all by themselves,or they come and tell you) The ranges are anywhere from the age of 18 mo. to late 4 years old. I say that due to the fact that I have children who all are of different start times. Currently I have three year old twins-one goes on her own (so I know that she's ready) and the other prefers diapers- which tells me that she's not ready. My eldest started just before she turned two and it was practically over nite-wild! Especially thereafter I have my son who didn't start until he was 4 1/2 cause he was to lazy.
*SO here are some guidances....as soon as he wakes up, sit him on the potty. When he drinks (ANYTHING) wait about 15 min or so and then try to have him potty.-I would start small following these two examples and as he starts to do it on his own or so, then you can increase the other methods such as making sure he goes after every meal, before he goes out and so forth. Once you start this, he'll start making the connection and before you know it, he'll be potty trained in no time. Allow for some accidents from time to time but he'll get it. I would start and continue this no matter what the situation is in the parent relationship is.

Best of luck.
Mom of 4. (some days seem like an attack- but just take it one step at a time.=;-)!

I have found that the very best way to potty train is to:

1)set aside a couple of days to spend at home or a few mornings in a row
2) put them in a slightly oversized t-shirt with nothing else

Of course, they will start having "accidents", but, do not make a big deal about it, just be matter of fact. Do have them "help" you clean up and talk a little about how much easier it is to use the potty.
This stage can vary from a couple of days to a week or two. If all day doesn't work then just do it whenever you are home.
Keep offering the opportunity to sit on the potty,but again, don't push it. And of course this is much easier in the nice weather when you can spend more time outside. If you are worried about the neighbors,just stay in the backyard.
Within a very short time, your child will be a lot more aware of what is going on and what the signals their own body is giving them when they need to go.
Do not use training pants until he is capable of using the potty.Continue to use a diaper when not at home.
When he does use the potty, reward him only with praise as the idea is that getting out of diapers and using the potty is the reward and a great thing in and of itself. The fine line to walk is to make him feel proud when he does use it but not ashamed or embarresed when he doesn't.
This may be harder since he is somewhere else a couple of days every week, but, I think the laid back approach will help overcome that.
Good Luck!

Hi Jess- It sounds like his mom isn't helping much, he should really have the same rules in both households so he doesn't get confused- My son loves Elmo, so I bought the Elmo's potty time video and that has really interested him in the potty (he prefers the "Daddy Potty" too). Also - a friend of mine who is training her son who will be three in 2 months, always changes her son in the bathroom, and if he poops in the diaper, she puts the poop in the potty to let him see that is where it goes. THat works really well for her. My son Loves to flush, so he's not allowed to flush unless h's made a deposit. My son is only two, so I am letting him go at his own pace. In my opinion, your first step us to sit down with mom, dad and yourself and formulate a plan together if that is an option. His mom needs to realize that you are a loving intrigal part of her son's life and you need to work together. Hopefully this helps, and I am not jumping to the wrong conclusiion. Boys need a straight answer, and it sounds like mom is giving mixed signals. keep in mind also that boys take longer than girls- everything i have read on the subject suggests that the worst thing you can do is make it negative experience. No matter what or how hard it is it is important to stay positive! you seem like a very caring stepmom (i have one of those myself, and even though i am grown I appreciate her every day)
Keep up your loving ways- It means more to him than you realize now. He also may just take a little longer- have you tried the training pants that make them feel cool when they go? I ahven't but have wondered if they work... agian, good luck!
A.

When I potty trained my 2 daughters, I dedicated a week straight of not leaving the house. I'm not sure if that would be possible in your situation but perhaps you could speak with his mom, share your plan, & get her "on board" so there would be consistancy at her home. What I did was try to make it fun. I put the potty chair in our family room & let my girls pick a movie. I gave them lots to drink & only dressed them in a t-shirt the first day. Then every 10 mins. I had them sit on the potty chair "just to see if they had to go". If not, I gave them more water to drink. (I bought them new cps with cool straws for this occasion). When they did pee on the potty, we had a "potty party". They got 3 mini- M&M from the container I bought for the occaion & we did a potty dance. I told them after they went 3 times in a row that they could call Daddy at work & he made a big deal about how great they did. Then I told them after they went 6 times in a row, they could call Mom Mom & she made a really big deal!!! according to all the stuff I read, if you could get them to go 6 times in a row without an accident, it would be imprinted in their brain. After they went times in a row, I then put "big kid" underwear on them & continued every 10-15 mins of at first helping them pull their pants down then letting them do it themselves. After 1 week of this, my girls were trained. Granted they did have some accidents. My kids never liked to poop on the potty chair so I put them on the regular toilet on a potty ring with their feet resting on a stool. I would let them take a book with them. I started out just putting them on before baths, before bed, & every morning when they woke up. The pooping was much more gradual than the peeing though. Someone mentioned to me a while ago that Dr. Phil has good potty training tips but I never looked at them because my kids were already trained. Just try to make it fun & not stressful but keep in mind that kids have to be ready to try to train too. If there is screaming & crying involved, I'd probably stop & try again in a month or so. Hope thid helps! Leigh Ann

hi Jess, I also have a 3 yr old little boy and he does not want to use the potty either. If your little boys mom is not helping that could cause a problem. If she doesn't at least try when he is at her house he is going to become confused if at one house he is encouraged to use the potty and when at his mom's he is not. have you tried m&m's whenever he uses the potty? Or stickers? We have done that and it helped a little. I am finally getting my little one to go sometimes on the potty.... Hope that helped a little

Hi J.,

1. Go barebottom or unders only as much as possible
2. Never punish, and try to disguise any frustration/annoyance you might feel (as do we all) if/when there is an accident
3. Be as positive as possible about the whole thing.

It won't happen overnight, but it'll happen

ps. Kids know different caregiver have different styles/rules-they study us & understand this from a very young age. it would be ideal to have everyone be consistent but can't always happen!

pps i firmly believe any neurologically normal child over 3 years of age is ready to potty train.

I am in the process of potty training my 2.5 y/o son as well. We have been working with his preschool/daycare on this (I work PT as a preschool teacher - different school - as well.), so we are all on the same page as far as method/reward systems/etc. We switched to diapers only during waking hours (use pull-ups for naps and bedtime). The first couple of days were trying as he had many accidents, but he is beginning to get the hang of it. We have found, for him, it helps to just put him on the potty every hour. He has not mastered the alertness to be able to tell when he has to go and let us know he has to use the potty just yet - has once or twice, but not consistently. I am also using a potty chart - sticker for every time he goes without an accident. I hope this helps.

J.~
First off good luck to you on this fun adventure LOL.. I believe children will do it when they are ready. My daughter use to go at her daycare and refused to look at a toilet when she was home. Then out of the blue when we were on a two road trip and she HAD to go the whole drive in the potty.. As soon was we got to Iowa she stopped. This was in Sept, then she didn't use the potty again until Jan. then she was fully potty trained (out of the blue) Now my son is 2 1/2 and he loves to sit on the potty. Nothing much happens but it is a start. I believe if you push them then you have more problems. I do think you and his mother need to be on the same page. I do not understand why parents cannot communicate when it comes to their children. She needs to put her son first. Since he is with you more I would just do what you are doing. Maybe set up set times to sit him on the potty. Remember they say boys can take longer. I think you are on the right track. Good luck and I hope this helps even a little T.

My gut reaction is that he is just not ready *YET! He will be and when he is that will be it- minus a few accidents.

My son began to potty train at the time of his third birthday and then within a few weeks he was doing great! We had witnessed other children that clearly were training their parents- meaning the parents gave constant reminders and rewards for going to the bathrrom. My husband and I both found that method exhausting.

Instead there was a day when we were staying home and I put my son in big boy underwear. He had 2 accidents in a row and then got the idea of the sensation and then would run to the bathroom. We did not use any rewards and he did fabulous- he was ready.

Have written all of that - we have a daughter that just turned 3 and has no desire to be potty trained... we suspect she will go to prom in a diaper at the rate she is going. With her we have tried incentives ... I can not tell if she is not ready or not willing... or the combination? So for now I have dropped it- no more undies and no more pull ups.(with my son-once we did big boy undies we never used pull ups)

I am not certain I have provided much help - other than to say you need to make some decisions. I would not worry about the other mother and her house. You can make your own rules at your home. If you want to chose this battle than move forward at the rate you are comfortable- meaning allowing his accidents and giving constant reminders(if honestly that is not bothersome to you). When you decide what you want to do you need to maintain consistency.

Best Wishes!

Hey J.,
My friends all tried the sticker chart method. After he would sit on the potty, either one, little or toilet, if he peed or pooped, he could put a big sticker on the chart.

If he kept his undies or pull-ups dry, he would get one too.

After 3 stickers he would earn something fun, or go to the park or library, get icecream, etc. You could reward with treats, it is up to you.
I think that you have it extra tough if the mom is not on board with you all and is being difficult.

I guess you have already tried to calmly talk to her and convince her that it is for the little boy's best interest?
If she refuses, lord knows why, then you just explain to him that he needs to do his best to keep his pants dry and if he does, he can earn something special when he gets home.
you just have to do all of the training at your house.
Good luck. Most kids at 3 will want to be potty trained if they see an older sibling or cousin or even friend use the toilet. Maybe ask a friend to have the little boy tell him that he is potty trained and it would be cool if your son was too.
Try anything, is what I think,
T