Potty Training Viewpoints

Is your husband crazy? Seriously, you cannot force potty training and 27 months is still very young. Forcing her to sit on the potty is doing way more harm than good. You should make an appointment to see your pediatrician with you husband and come up with a plan that works best. 2-4 hours is torture to a 2 year old! Stick up for your baby!

Your husband is insane. He is torturing your child. You have to intervene for yoru child. Making a toddler sit anywhere for more than a minute is cruel.. Does he want her to have toileting issues for the rest of her life.

Potty training is not a battle to be won by the strongest individual.. You are shaping souls not running a booot camp.

Your daughter is young.. You can proably train her now.. but only if she wants to. My daughter was trained at that age.. but she was ready.. and we didnt force the issue. When your child is ready potty training will be easy. If she is not ready you are fighting a battle that you can not win.

Please talk to your husband.. or put your child in day care all day so she will not be abused like this.

P., your husband really has no idea what he is doing and you need to stop it at once. It is really cruel to make a small child sit on a potty for hours - how would he like to do that? She is still very small and you are making the potty a battle ground. Instead of encouraging her to use the potty I'm sure it will deter her. She is not ready to be potty trained yet. I would drop the whole idea for a while. In a few months, you can very gently suggest that when she wants to go pee-pee you use the potty - but I only hope this awful experience hasn't put her off. Go very gently and tell your husband he is way off base. I've potty trained three kids and just used gently encouragement, never told them off for accidents - it's just a maturity thing - and never had problems. Good luck - Alison

Hi P.,
At 27 months she isn't old enough to be playing games about going potty. She may not be ready yet and making her sit on the potty for HOURS is not going to make it better. It will make it worse. She'll hate the potty. He is the adult and he should act like and not force her to do this. She's still a baby. It's one thing to support your husband but when it could be harming your child you have to step in.
Chris

i hope you mean 2-4 minutes - 2-4 hours??! without a break?? that is abusive.
you need to go together to your doctor and talk about this so your husband can see sense
no longer than 15 mintues to sit on the potty, and i dont know any 2 year old that can sit for even that long
your husband sounds like a bleeping bleeper - excuse my french

Hi. I know how frustrating potty training can be. have you read anything on the topic? where are you getting your ideas for potty training? I agree it seems harsh to force her to stay on the potty that long.
I used alona frankel's book 'once upon a potty' to read to my girls and they also watched the video. its real cute. I also did not use pull ups at all. I also love Dr. sears website with lots of tips for potty taining. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T106600.asp. Good luck!

I agree with some of the other Mamas, P.. This is a conversation about parenting that you need to have between you and your husband. Set aside some time w/o distractions, and voice your concerns, and let him do the same. If needed, have a meeting with your daughter's pediatrician (w/o daughter present) about recommended potty training guidelines.

Just a few thoughts: is he comparing potty training time/age/methods to your son? what are his motivations for potty training your daughter?

And to sympathize ~ I tried to Potty train my just turned 3 year old this summer, with no success. He just wouldn't sit on the potty to go (he would, however, pee all over the house!)...it was frustrating for both of us. I let the battle go, and started talking to my son about learning to use the potty. We had this conversation for months, then let him do the leading. And suddenly, it just clicked! He's just started the process on his own, with a little guidance and direction from me & my husband.

Good luck!

I have to say that I believe your husbands strategy is frightening! I wouldn't want to be held down against my will being told I could only get off if I peed. That would make it 10x harder to do so. I believe that any kid that has sooooo much pressure to do something won't do it.

We have had a relaxed attitude about our daughter and her potty training. she is 2.5 years old. She is now staying dry throughout the night and during naps. We do have an occasional accident because she gets busy playing and doesn't want to stop, but the accidents are VERY minor(she starts to go in her underwear and stops) and just require a quick wipe down (after finishing peeing on the potty) and a new clean pair of underwear and pants.

we initially tried around 18 months with a little potty that sat on the floor not terribly interested and used it as a step stool. but by the time she was 2 she was curious and liked to sit on it, but not go in it. She was interested in the big girl potty.

We've been training for probably 8 months now? on and off, but now we are great!

I would suggest making the bathroom enjoyable. We put two of her favorite books in there so that sitting on the potty she had something to do. We would get quiet to listen for the "plop" or "splash". she likes to flush and say "bye bye pee!" "or bye bye plop!" then we wash our hands and leave. Other times I would make up songs about pottying or sing some of her favorite songs.

Hope that helps!

I feel for you. I am glad that he wants to be such a big part of this process, but she is still kind of young. If she's not ready, no matter what you (or your husband) do, she'll resist. And making her sit there for hours on end, when she is only going to hold it anyway, is only going to affect her health in the end. My daughter is almost 5 now, so it wasn't that long ago that we were trying to get her on the potty. And, I thought it would be a snap. She asked to go (as much as she could without words) at 11 months! I thought she would be potty trained so early! She was almost 3 when she decided she was ready! And that was it. We had a few accidents here and there and she had a diaper for bedtime, but we learned that was also a power thing. Her brother, 18 months younger, decided he was ready at almost 3, also. After one full week with no accidents during the day or at night, we took off the diapers when he went to bed. Within one week, she also didn't need her bedtime diaper. It was her power. I know your husband thinks it is time, and, being out of diapers would save money (and who doesn't want to do that these days!), but forcing the issue with your daughter is just going to cause damage to her self image, to their relationship and can cause health issues if she's holding it. Try to reason with him...and work on a reward system for her. An M&M works for some, stickers, a small treat after the first few times, and then after a few days of no accidents...and so on. Good luck!

What your DH is doing is going to make your child scared of the potty and will cause her to take longer to go potty. When my DD was leaning to go on the potty we would set a timer and every 15-20 minutes we would go in and try to go potty. She wouldn't sit there longer then a minute and then we'd set he timer again. If your DD goes then I would set it for 30-45 minutes but otherwise stick with the 15-20 minutes. But please stop your DH as he is causing harm even though you might not know it.

Dear P., My heart goes out to you! Your husband is being very abusive to your daughter!! A time out is one minute for each year of the child's age. So 2 minutes is all she is capable of handling. And potty training should be ALL positive. You need outside help on this one, so talk to her pediatrician. This will get much worst before it gets better between the two of them. She is just a little child and he is a big man being a bully! Please get help for all of you. God bless!

It sounds like you have a stubborn kid. BUT also a stubborn daddy....

Our 2nd child was closer to 4 when he potty trained completely. Hubby wanted me to "force" him at 2 1/2... After 2 days of putting him on the potty EVERY 30 min ALL DAY LONG and still not having him go anywhere but in the diaper I was so stressed out I told my hubby NO. If YOU want him "FORCED", YOU do it... After 2 hrs hubby realized that noone can force a child to release what is in their bowels... So he allowed me to use a more laid back method.

It is a battle of wills. What is the rush? She will get it in her own time.

It may cause an issue with hubby but you guys need to sit down and talk about this. Tell him that it will be a fight EVERY DAY unless he cools it with the 2 hr potty time out. She is looking at it as punishment and not a fun thing to do. Try to convince him to COMPLETELY STOP. Now that there is a bad stigma attatched to the potty you need to give it time to not be a torture seat in her mind. Then start again in a few months using a treat method instead of a torture method.
He undid any progress he made as soon as he decided she would sit there until she went...

I don't know how your relationship is with your hubby. So tread lightly but firmly. Its your CHILD.

I am with you--she will go when she is ready. It is going to turn into a battle of wills (sounds like it has already)and you cannot force a kid to go on the potty. We tried with my younger daughter around that age and she just wasn't ready. If your husband is insistent she use the potty, you would be better off to set up a rewards system. Not bribery so much as say, a sticker chart, where she earns a sticker for each time she uses the potty and when she fills up the chart (10-12 spots so it isn't too discouraging) do something special together as a reward. Most kids get it when they get it and it can't be forced, but only encouraged. Good luck!

I know that everyone has already said this, but, please, make your husband stop doing this to your daugther. I am sitting here, reading this request and feeling like your child must be dealing with so much stress and anxiety right now that it makes me uncomfortable. I do understand how frustrating the whole process can be and I also understand the feeling of wanting to be firm on certain subjects, but, as everyone has said, this route that your husband is taking is not the way to go. Stop trying for a little while and then start trying to train again with a new plan. Good luck.

P.,
Looks like you have things under way. If it would help your husband I would say what works best is setting the timer for every 10-15 and have your daughter sit on the potty for about 5 minutes. If she goes and does not have anything to drink. you can extend to the time like maybe 20 to 25 minutes the next time. You will learn how long she can go before she will have an accident. reward her with candy or some kind of treat. If she tells you she has to go and does give her a special reward. You get a lot further in potty training with sugar and spice method. But praise your husband for trying I have three kids and my husband usually did not get involved until they were well on there way to being trained. Though his methods are not the best he is trying to be helpful and involved.

P.,

So sorry that this is a huge point of contention. I think its important to support each other through potty training, its VERY stressful and hard on whoever is doing it. I needed my husband to take over once he got home from work because I was ready to pull my hair out and was so thankful that he gave me a few hours break.

HOWEVER...I used that method the first time I tried to potty train my daughter and it totally failed! She began to regress in other behaviors as well, suddenly was terrified of the bathtub (something she normally LOVED) as one example. Sitting on the potty for hours does NOT teach a child to pee, it just makes them upset. Its "easier" on parent because they just plop the kid on the potty and show them movies or whatever until they happen to pee in it. But the child hasn't learned to recognize the need to go and run to the potty to take care of it.

I'd recommend stopping this method immediately and trying something different. The method that I used, and highly recommend because it WORKED, is a 3 day potty training method. The basic idea is that you don't take the child to the potty unless they say they have to go or start to show the physical behaviors like dancing, crossing legs etc... or start to have an accident. So at that point you put them on the potty until they are ready to get off. It takes 3 days of intensive work, NO DISTRACTIONS. They have TONS of accidents (as you're feeding them salty foods and giving them tons to drink), but each one is a LEARNING experience of what to do when you feel the need to pee. Its kind of like how you train a pet to be house trained, just no rubbing their nose in it (haha). You have to be positive the whole time. Power struggles will NOT work for this.

Anyway I won't go into the details, but I'll send you to the website. http://www.3daypottytraining.com/?PIA66171AYEX

Best wishes, I hope your husband will back down, it will make this much easier for ALL of you!!!!

that is absolutely insane!! 2-4 hours?? please make this stop now!! this is cruel & your daughter will be traumatized by this!!

potty training should be positive & encouraging!! no force!! i would totally stop training for a few months and then maybe try again...and then only when your daughter wants to!

i'm sorry...but i feel bad for your kid!! STOP!! don't make it a battle...she will learn on her own time...no kid goes to kindergarden in diapers...JUST RELAX!!

I think even tho your daughter 'knows' when she has to go; you still will need to wait for the rest to fall into place or you will have other issues come up from forcing the potty training issues.

Are you or the husband asking her questions about this or how she feels about the potty?

In all honestly, I do feel that any child under three years of age is too young to be fully trained. But this is my feelings. Especially when I have seen children backfire later in school or over stressful events.

Both of you (You and the husband) NEED to communicate with each other as you cannot read each others' mind. If you do not tell him your thoughts/ feelings, and he doesn't share his - then how the heck is anyone going to know what's going on? You are also setting these examples for your children as they watch us as parents interacting like hawks. It affects their behavior as well - especially later on.

If it were me, I would back off of the potty training and just practice it slowly... starting with letting your daughter go to the potty when she is comfortable with it - not you or your husband. She's in control her, not you guys. You cannot force her or bend her to your will or you will just end up fighting even more. In addition, your feelings and emotions do affect her now... she will pick up on any frustration, anger, etc. and it will affect the process.

Personally I think you're both way too early. 27 months and you're going in two directions: nursing and trying to potty train. that's two different age groups with different events.
In any case, your hubby's out of line. Making her sit for hours and holding her there is not the way to potty train. And if he's going to use that bullying type method, then HE should follow through and not expect someone with differing views to cowtow to his methods. Getting ticked off about it doesn't help either.
So it isn't a battle of wills between your daughter and him, it's between you and him. You need to be on the same page, find a method that you both can agree on, and feel equally comfortable following through on it.
Your daughter will 'go' when she's good and ready. This is not a 'convenience for mom and dad' thing. Being potty trained before going to kindergarten or preschool is soon enough. Exposure to using the potty is a good thing, but forcing her to sit until she does is unacceptable.

We're in the middle of potty training our daughter who turned 3 on the 20th. We had a bunch of stops and starts, because it turned into a battle of wills. Of course, they're going to do what they can to control the one thing they can control at that age. We just decided fighting with her over "going potty" simply wasn't in anyone's best interest. Our turning point was getting rid of pull ups. As much as I feel pressured to "get this done", once I let go things got a whole lot easier. She was never on the potty for anymore than 30 minutes. If she didn't want to go, we couldn't make her and we didn't force it.

Hi P.

I know potty training can be soo confusing, frustrating and difficult. I just potty trained my boy in about 3 days. He still has an accident here or there (about every 2wks he'll have one)..but that's normal.

First I would ask if you are using pull ups or have put her in underwear. We went cold turkey..no pull ups (except for naps and nightime) because they tend, like a diaper, to pull moisture away from the child so they don't understand as well how uncomfortable pottying in their pants can be. It's hard to clean up all the accidents you'll have the first day or two, but so worth it as your child develops the understanding that having wet pants is not comfortable and that they then begin to understand that feeling their body gives them telling them to go potty.

Monitor her liquid intake..my boy would need to go potty about 20-30 minutes after drinking juice. Ask them every 15 minutes or so (It's frustrating...and you get sick of asking, but it'll begin to work). Don't "chain" her to the potty...if she says she is done, and hasn't gone, tell her to try one more push..then let her off. Again..when she pees her pants she'll begin to get the idea. When she does go on the potty, make a big deal out of it...dance, sing, tell everyone what a great job she did...when she has an accident, tell her it's ok, don't yell, scream or discipline her...this is all new and she's learning from scratch. Clean it up (you may even have her help)...smile, hug her and remind her that we go "pee pee in the potty."

Also, a quick note that it may take an extra day or two for her to be ok with pooping on the potty. My boy held it for a couple of days because the feeling is also new and 'weird'.

Good luck to you all....I know this was long, but I hope it helps....

Tell hubby to hold his socks on. This is WAY too much stress for your little sweetie! If she has to sit for 2-4 hours by being held there...I would call that INSANE and MEAN...edging on abusive HOLY TOLEDO! She is not ready. Hubby is expecting too much. She is just past TWO for Heaven's Sake! Sounds like you two need to read a book together on potty training before you create a REAL problem for HER. I would stop all talk etc about the potty, read whatever book you choose about the subject, give it a rest for a couple weeks and start over on a POSITIVE note.

Potty training is a lot of work and it has been a while since I have had to work with kids on this but I have never heard of forcing a child to sit for hours on the potty. We used sticker reward charts, we found positive reinforcement to be the best way. Our daughter did well when she turned 2 then stopped and it was almost 3 before potty trained but in talking to her doctor he said it was normal and not to force the issue. Each child develops at thier own time. We never spanked her for her accidents or punished her in any way. It is something they have to learn like walking. Trial and error. It will happen but I truly believe that forcing a child to sit for hours isn't the best way. Sorry to disagree with your method but I don't know anyone who used that method.

I believe when they are ready, they will go on their own. My son started going potty on his own a month after his 3rd bday. I never forced him to sit on the potty. I just put underwear on him one day and told him if you have to go pee-pee, pull them down and sit on the potty. Of course, a few accidents but he got the hang of it. I believe it will take time and they will go when they are ready.

Good luck!

Maybe she is not quite ready. Kids all potty mature at their own rate. Your husband, is trying with the best of intentions but it is not going to work!!! We kept it light and positive and when they went in the potty we called the grandparents , had a parade - waving toilet paper (corny but a celebration) If you are not ready to give it up right now, have you tried treats for when she has gone potty? Or put cheerios in toilets (just a couple- and it works way better with boys) and try to aim for the cherrios???

Hi P.,
I hate to be harsh but your posting has got my blood pressure rising! I am an early childhood educator and an advocate for children. What you and your husband are practicing is called over-correcting and it is borderline abusive! This will ALWAYS backfire. Instead of learning how to go on the potty, your daughter is learning that mommy and daddy aren't listening to her and her body.

I'm going to reference a few lines from a book I used in early childhood development classes when I was in college. It's called The Young Child by Margaret Puckett & Janet Black. It's a great reference, maybe you could find it on Amazon.

"Toilet learning is a gradual maturational process that extends over a period of several years. It is not, as the term toilet training implies, something that can be taught at a predetermined age... Overresponding to cues with expectations that control is imminent can yield disappointing results. Certainly, attempts to impose rigid toileting schedules are doomed...insistence is counterproductive, as is reprimand, shaming, or punishing. Undue pressure from adults only prolongs the process by creating stress, anxiety, or power control situations and cause negative effects..."

Please do some research and speak to your child's doctor. Maybe take your husband to the appointment with you? I would also invest in some literature that includes what is age and developmentally appropriate for young children. Good luck to you!

P.,
I can feel your frustration my oldest son was over 3 when he was completely potty trained for a single working mother this was very hard. I took a week of vacation and every hour I had him go to the potty. I took away the pull ups except for at night put him in big boy underware. If he had an accident I had him take the underware and clothing off and made him wash him self up with supervision of course. If he was having accidents I moved it to every thrity mins we went in to the bathroom and tried. He wore down after about 3 days by the end of the week the accidents were acceptable. YES he is a very strong willed child. Potty training is two things one knowing the signs that they are ready and two presistance (SP). No one really tells you the signs but they are there. There is a book with elmo in it about using the potty that may also help. One last thing get rid of the pull ups in some children I think they encourage children to be lazy about the potty. I tell all new parents I know do not use them I had problems My sister had problems and many other women I know had problems potty training with them the ones who didn't potty training went well.
You CAN NOT force a child to sit on the potty for 2 hours or more if socail services finds out they will take her away. My youngest son was potty trained by a year and a few months but that method was completed by my ex and I did not agree with it. Every accident he had he spanked him. it worked I wasn't home the day he did it but the youngest isn't a strong willed child he tried it with his daughter who is a little older and strong willed also and boy that back fired. I did the same with her as I did with my oldest every 60 to 30 mins on the potty.
Good Luck and tell your husband it is more productive and a better use of his time to try every 30 min to hour than to sit there for hours he is going to make her tarrified of the tollet and give her nightmares.

If you want your daughter to start knowing what the potty is for, you want to put her on it when she gets up from bed and nap. And try after meals. My daughter is 21 months. She LOVES sitting on the potty. She will play at times and other times she doesn't. She has gone several times sitting on it, but mainly she doens't do anything. I know whenever i go to the bathroom she follows me in there, so she is learning through that way what the potty is for.

I would say no more than 3 minutes on the potty is enough. if your husband is insistent that she sits there for 4 hours i would make him go and sit there for 4 hours, and tell him, he just has to sit there, he gets no compuer, or reading, or anything. just sitting there like she does. He might see that way, what he is doing to her. She will see it as a bad place to be. I had a friend, who used the crib as time out for her daughter, and her husband constantly told her to stop doing that and she wouldn't. Now the girl won't go to bed at bed time. She sits in bed screaming i'm sorry, and will do that for 3-4 hours before she wears herself out and falls asleep. So if he continues, she won't use the potty for several years., and it will be a LOT longer before she will want to use it.

First I want to say that many two year old are not ready to be potty trained. My daughter is almost two and she knows when she needs to go and sometimes she does and sometimes she does not. The key is that she is not in trouble for not going potty on the potty chair, but is rewarded when she does.

I'm sorry and I don't mean to offend you or your husband but if everytime you went to the bathroom you were forced to stay there for hours when you wanted to play then why would you want to go at all. She is a baby regardless of the fact that she is two she is still a baby. You as the mother need to tell your husband to back off. Take her to the potty every hour on the hour ask her to try and give her a cup of water to hold while she tries. This will distract her so that she's not holding the potty in. If she's wet ask her to let you know next time she needs to go and let her up. Going potty is a 1 minute process. When she does go make a big deal out of it. Give her an M&M or what my daughter gets is a penny to put in her bank. So everytime she goes she gets a reward. She also really likes to wear her "Pull-ups" but she only gets to if she can tell me potty. The key is to keep taking her, not making her hate the potty! I'm sorry but if everytime your husband wants a drink of water he gets hit by a hammer, I'm sure he'd still want that drink really bad. He is abusing your daughter mentally and physically if his is holding her down. She should not have to sit there any longer than 1 timed minute (60 seconds). Her bladder is the size of her fist, so it does not take a long time to empty it.

I hope you can make peace in your house but if not get counciling for your family. She will never potty train if she's abused everytime she does not go for him.

E.

First off and speaking from some limited experience, men do generally try to force issues whatever ones they are. I am always trying to communicate to my husband that he can't do that with our 30 month old son. Potty training especially must be enjoyable and RELAXED. We sing songs and read books but cannot sit there too long. Establish some ground rules that both parents agree on. Such as time allowed, rewards such as m and m's or stickers, charts etc. A good website is www.drgreene.com or www.askdrsears.com We also found a potty watch to wear that has an alarm that goes off at 30, 60 and 90 minute intervals. And the child can go try and it gives them some control. The more pressured they are the less they can go. There will be accidents and they are no big deal (must stay calm even if on the inside you're not). Don't give up trying but don't force.

she may not be ready even. i 'hear' about kids being ready to be potty trained at 2 years but i really think its like a unicorn, everyone's heard of them but never seen one. i'm hearing most kids are potty trained at 3, even 3 1/2. both mine were. can you do this for possibly another year? even if she is scared into submission i bet she has 'potty' problem later in life. please take your hubby to the ped and let him hear what they have to say on the subject.
good luck!