On a flight this week, my family and I were seated across the aisle from a guy who appeared to have had one too many at the airport bar (and also downed several beers during the 5-hour flight). He was talking rather loudly to his seat mate and dropping f-bombs all over the place. Eventually I tapped his shoulder and politely asked if he would mind keeping it G-rated. He glared at me but said he would try. Fortunately he went to sleep and the problem solved itself.
I wondered afterward, though, if that was the best way to handle it. It's not that I think people should cater to my special snowflake when we're out in public, but that much cussing around a small child is not OK. Ordinarily I'd just move away if someone was using language around my child that I didn't like. On a sold-out flight that's obviously not practical. So - would you have done the same thing?
Really interesting to hear the different viewpoints. In theory, I agree that it is not my place to ask someone to change his or her language or behavior. Had it not been such strong cursing, and so much of it, I wouldn't have intervened. However, I also believe we all have the right to expect others to show respect in a shared space. In my opinion, there is a difference between kids learning to deal with the real world and allowing them to observe or hear something truly hostile and offensive. Drug deals and prostitution are part of the real world, but would you let your kids stand there and witness them?
Also, just food for thought: Parents, and I include myself, get awfully vocal about other people's rude children. What would we say if the situation were different, and if it were a child on a plane shrieking at the top of his or her lungs (I'm not talking about a crying baby or toddler, I'm talking about an older child just plain being obnoxious)? Or a child in a restaurant kicking and climbing on booths? Or a movie theater patron talking loudly into a cellphone throughout a movie? Would we shrug it off as the real world quite so quickly?
I think I would've asked a flight attendant to address him. I don't expect people to not swear in public, but in tight, inescapable quarters like a plane, I think everyone needs to be respectful.
"Snowflakes" are not the only people offended by loud, belligerant people using obscene or profane language in public. I do not shield my kids from any language, but I do let them know when that type of language is and is not apporpriate. A crowded airplane is not an appropriate place for that type of language, so it is fair to ask him to stop, not necessarily because you had a child.
ADDED:
To those who are saying "I wouldn't expect other people to change their ways" and "my kid knows what we expect for OUR family" so you'd never address others about bad behavior, etc. - Those of you who stand by and do nothing are letting the world become a coarser, ruder place. If there is no societal pressure to behave with some measure of politeness, then people can do as they like, wherever, whenever. Do you want to live in that coarse and ugly word? Then keep doing and saying nothing and that's what you'll get....
Original answer:
I would have asked a flight attendant to speak to him. Someone who has been drinking is not someone I want to tangle with, and frankly, flight attendants are far more experienced than I am at handling drunks. But you have every right to ask someone like that to pipe down whether you do it yourself or ask the attendant to do it.
Just to share....Last year we were on vacation and had dinner in a restaurant that was pretty nearly empty as it was early. My daughter (then 11) was seated with us in a booth so that no one entering from the front door could have seen her there--they would have just seen husband and me. A party of three men and three women came in and got a table and had some tasting "flights" of multiple beers sent over. They were not drunk at all and didn't get drunk while we were there -- we were almost ready to leave so we overlapped with them for maybe 10 minutes, tops. The men let a few words fly but not as bad as the F-bomb and not very loudly, though I heard them. My daughter and I left just ahead of my husband, who stayed behiind maybe another minute to finish paying the bill. When he came out he said that one of the men got up immediately after my daughter and I walked out and came over to him and apologized, saying, "I am so sorry. We didn't see you had a child in your booth and our language was not appropriate." My husband said the guy was sincerely chagrined at having cursed with a child (unseen!) within earshot. I was pretty impressed. Had we stayed and if the language had gotten worse I would have said something and I can imagine they'd have been very apologetic, considering they did not even have to say a word but made the effort to apologize anyway. They only saw two other adults present, and they really weren't very offensive in what they said, but as soon as they saw a kid -- they were totally appropriate and apologetic.
I am a little surprised at some of the answers. I've always thought that folks had a right to fly without listening to swearing. And if you thought the man was not in a "mean drunk" mood, I can understand why you politely spoke to him. If you had any concerns about how he would have responded, then speaking to a flight attendant would have been in order.
I remember doing the exact same thing at a ball game with a few young men last summer. They were very polite, apologized and tried hard to harness their vocabularies.
Forget about your snowflake...your OWN ears were probably offended! I would have asked the flight attendant to handle it. It's not only small children that are a PITA on flights - some adults can be super annoying, too!
I think you handled it fine. I would have asked the same. It is language you'd expect in a bar...but not on a flight where children are present. Common sense of decency for any man(or woman) to stop their indecent display of poor vocabulary around children. Heck...I hate to hear that kind of language also!!
Sooo, yes..I would have done the same thing. Everyone should expect at least a PG rated flight...not an R. The airlines even bleep certain words on in flight movies or choose the movie wisely.
Glad the guy fell asleep and you could relax the rest of your flight! An honorable man should recoil at the thought his behavior offended others around him...especially a child. Where has decency gone?!?
No I would not have. I would not ask other people to censor their language around my child. She knew what SHE was and wasn't allowed to say. That didn't mean that th same rules applied to others, especially adults.
ETA: referring to your SWH: I get annoyed at other people's obnoxious children, but unless the child is putting himself or someone else in danger with his behavior, I let his parent deal with it and go on about my own business. Yes, that's more difficult in a situation where you can't walk away, such as a plane, but c'est la vie.
Kids climbing on restaurant furnishings will often be addressed by management, as the kid could either damage the furnishings or hurt himself. Replacing damaged booths or paying increased insurance premiums after the parents sue over Junior's fall from the booth back he was using as a balance beam cost the proprietor money, as does lost revenue from other customers who walk out due to the disturbance.
If you talking on your phone interferes with my ability to hear the movie I PAID to see, yes, I will tell you to hang up and shut up. I paid to hear Samuel L. Jackson yell about mother-fucking snakes on a mother-fucking plane, not to hear you discuss your lab results from your recent visit to the proctologist. Someone cursing in the airplane seat next to me doesn't keep me from getting to my destination.
My kid saw depictions of prostitution and drug deals on tv. We lived for a while in an area where they happened in real life with more frequency than I liked. No, I didn't let her stand on the corner and watch them take place. Not because I didn't want her to know that such things existed, but because doing so would have put her in physical danger.
I think you were well within your rights to ask him to tone it down. And even though he glared at you, he probably took it better than if a flight attendent had to ask him. It's not just your snowflake being offended - it was you, her, and every decent person sitting around you. Just like a person can't yell "FIRE" in a theatre, there are limits to 1st Amendment rights. And then there is just plain decency. I'm sure that guy will think twice about dropping F-bombs in a crowded place because he got to see first hand that it affects people.
I will offer up our local pro-football team's stadium as a matter of perspective. There is a certain level of behavior expected by all attendents. You cannot sit there and drop f-bombs and act drunk/roudy. To help handle problems, they have a special text number you can send the offending person's seat number to. Security will descretely move in behind the offender, observe the situation to see if it really is out of line, and then either remove the person or give them a warning based upon what they see. (or do nothing in case of wrong informaiton.) I personally would take on a drunk in an airplane, but not at a sporting event.
I had a similar situation last summer. I do not get upset by a few swears thrown around. If someone near me is cursing, it does not bother me to the point of stepping in. If my kids are around, I will just distract them or if necessary tell them that those are. in fact, bad words, and try to move on. However...I was on an airplane with my 1.5 and 4.5 year old (at the time). They were kind of in and out of sleep. There were two teenage boys in the row right behind us. For about the last 20 minutes of the flight, they were being truly inappropriate. I really feel that I need to tell you what they said, so be forewarned, this is quite lewd- and only one of many, many similar comments. We were flying over a baseball stadium and one boy says to the other "See that pitcher's mound? I'm gonna grab some girl and drag her out there. Then I'm gonna f--- her in the a--. Then I'm gonna make her lick my s--- off my d---." Yes, this is just a stupid teenager saying the most obscene thing that he can think of in an effort to impress his friend and shock those around him. But I am not OK with that in a business environment. This goes way, WAY beyond forcing adults to censor their language around my children. This type of language creates a hostile environment for the other passengers on the plane and is something that the airline has a legal obligation to stop. I could absolutely overlook someone saying swear words, but this was past my line of tolerance. I'll agreed with the court on this one- I may not be able to say what obscenity is, but I know it when I hear it.
I don't ask other people to change their behavior. I teach my daughter was is and isn't appropriate for us.
there are too many whack nuts in the world for me to start a confrontation. So, I think you put yourself and your children in a potentially unsafe position by confronting a drunk aggressive man. I would rather my daughter see how ridiculous he looks than to have them watch mommy get pushed or worse.... I have seen THAT happen (not to me) when someone confronted someone drunk at a professional football game.
I don't expect people to keep things G-rated for my G-rated kids. I think this is a risk you take when you let your kids around other people. People are crazy and inappropriate. the sooner your kids learn that what everyone else does isn't what they can do.... the better.
I dont know about the rules on a plane, but here in Michigan, its actually illegal to curse in front of children. Its obviously not often inforced, but they did arrest someone for it a few years back. Either way, I dont think its that unreasonable to expect people to not be screaming the f word near small children. I would have either politely asked him to stop, or said something to the stewardess. Im pretty sure after 911, getting loud and rowdy on a plane is not appreciated.
No one should ever use the f word around a child-period. You can't exactly get up and go on a plane. I probably would have had an employee handle it-but I'm not sure; I once broke up a fight being witnessed by a police officer in Penn Station because I thought my five, small children were at risk. That happened in very close proximity and was a physical threat to their safety-I reacted. My sister was smoking at a rock concert once and a pregnant woman asked her to put out her cigarette....seriously!
The thing that really gets me, is when someone goes wild over a loud child-who is too young to know better, and to a grown man who is drunk-we look the other way-wrong!
They are just words like any others, I would not have done anything because the words he chooses to use are none of my business. I would explain to my child that I would prefer he did not use those words, but I have no right to expect others to bow to what I expect their behavior should be just because I have a child in the world. It is important for kids to see the real world anyways. They should not learn to expect everyone to cater to them, that is what creates that feeling of entitlement we so often see.
Profanity that is offensive is a nuisance, and there are actually laws against using profanity in public when others can hear you.
I wouldn't have said anything myself to the person, but I would have quietly brought it to the attention of the flight attendant and asked her to handle it. Due to nuisance laws, she would have had to dealt with him and asked him to lower his volume and stop cussing. Public intoxication is also illegal. He wasn't in a bar, so he should have been cut off with the alcohol far sooner.
Since the flight staff didn't handle it sooner on their own I would file a complaint.
Honestly, it sounds like you handled it beautifully.
This sounds like a situation where it's not whether you do something, it's how you do something. It could have gotten ugly, but you kept things simple, positive, and de-escalated enough that it didn't. Not everyone can do this. So, this wouldn't be the right choice for anyone and everyone, but it was the right choice for you. Good work?
No I would have refrained from approaching a drunk man because I don't know his mental state, how offended he may become if I were to say something and what his actions might be.
Secondly, no I would not say anything because I do agree that children need to be exposed to the real world. They can be exposed to the real world and understand that an adult is behaving badly.
I don't see a need to sugar coat my little darling's every moment in order to protect her from the real world.. Again, expecting a stranger to cater to my child's needs is in other words, entitlement. I feel you should use these experiences as a teaching moment.
We can't control everything our children see and hear therefore we should prepare them. Living in plastic bubble wrap is not going to benefit them when they become adults.
That said, if you still had issues with this situation, you should have gone to the attendants who have more authority on the flight.
Good luck on your next flight.... Not all flights are fun and you run into some reall doozies out there... parents, children and obnoxious adults.
I would of probably asked him to lower his voice, not necessarily because of the f-bomb, I agree with Christina, about asking others to censor themselves for my kids. However, on a plane in tight space like that, I would ask him to quiet down.
It's hard to know how a drunk will react.
Some are angry drunks, some are happy drunks and some are combative drunks.
He could have told you to F off and some would.
I would have asked an attendant to speak with him.
I wouldn't risk a direct conflict with him.
I would have, but you could have gone to talk to the attendants. They are very well versed in handling this kind of thing.
As it is, you did fine. Glad he finally went to sleep!!
Dawn
I'm completely with you. That guy should have been ashamed of himself.
Today is my "Ditto" Day apparently. I'm in complete agreement with Leigh R.
