Praising a Child

Well...sort of...if a kid doesn't have any trouble doing what ever it is then there is no need for praise and the praise would seem ridiculous to the kid and possibly confuse them....acknowledging hard work...does deserve praise .

I want my kids to be self motivated....not doing something only to get my or anyone else's approval.

I believe in praising for hard work done. However, I slip up often and just tell the kids how smart or skilled they are. It's hard to re-wire my brain. I have noticed a difference in their level of effort when I praise their effort and hard work, so I do think it's worthwhile to be mindful of it. I also ask them how they feel after they accomplish something, rather than directly praise them. I might prompt them with a, "Wow, you must feel proud!" It's a shift, but I do think sometimes I praise my kids too much automatically.

yes, but without any context whatsoever it's a meaningless question. pretty much everything can be overdone.
ETA after the SWH, yes, i think your comment to your son is a great example of over-praising and think your mom is right on target.
khairete
S.

I remember reading a pretty divided set of opinions on this for while, and it seemed like many articles and books advising one way or the other. There was the hotly contested idea of "tiger parenting" where you create firm expectations of your child to perform well, and more than a small amount of praise is frowned upon. Then the book Nurture Shock warned against over praising because it claimed too much praise fostered lack of self-motivation. There was also the idea to praise effort/hard work rather than outcome, because the means of learning is more important than the end.

Personally, I think the only major risk parents take is over-thinking when they praise their children. Do we really need to stop and think after our child reads a word correctly or figures out a new math concept to figure out if its "OK" to tell them they are doing well?

Most of us are hard wired to be proud of our kids, and that's normal and good. As children get older, the vast majority naturally come to understand the world doesn't see them the way their Mom sees them.

...And telling your child "Good work!" isn't what creates an elitist, entitled jerk. Preventing them from the consequences of their poor choices and creating a sense of entitlement by bubble-wrapping your child's life so they are unable to have empathy for those in different circumstances will create an elitist, entitled jerk. I wish there were more articles on preventing that.

Eta: in response to you SWH, I don't think you did anything 'wrong'. On the small chance your child's off the cuff remark held deeper meaning and he had some belief that his mind wasn't normal or good enough, you reacted by reassuring him that as his mom, you see his goodness. At 13 years old, a mom who reminds her child she believes in his strengths seems like good parenting to me.

And for what it's worth, I tell my daughter all the time she has one of the kindest souls I've ever encountered. I also believe that 100%, but I also think she tries to live up to that belief, and acts in ways to remind herself and me she's worthy of that praise.

Absolutely!

A child knows when they have done less then their best. If you praise them when they don't deserve it, your praise loses value. They also begin to not trust you, it feels like lying.

On the flip side, if you are always praising, they will never learn to accept criticism. They will believe that they can do no wrong. Or they won't do anything without praise.

Post Note: Most 13 yr old boys would consider having a maniacal brain as a complement.

Yes.

First of all, too much of anything isn't good.

Second, it also depends on what you are praising the child for. You should praise effort, not "intelligence," and you shouldn't do a lot of praising for superficial things like looks.

As a teacher, I praise my students, who are mostly underprivileged, a lot. Praise is really powerful as a teacher. But again, I usually praise something related to effort.

I also believe praise should usually be sincere.

There is a lot I could write about this topic, but your question was brief so I will keep my response the same.

ETA: After your SWH - "brilliant and beyond parallel" are probably overdoing it. Especially the beyond parallel part. It's untrue that his brain is beyond parallel, so you should leave that part out. Brilliant as well might be a bit of a reach, as few people are actually brilliant. So if such statements as those are a common occurrence from you, you should mellow it out a bit, and focus more on praising things that are unique and things that involve effort. You are setting up way too high of a bar if he has to live up to "brilliant and beyond parallel."

ETA: S., this is probably what your mom is thinking of, and I'm in agreement with this article:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

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Yes, and they know it.

Smart praise: noticing the effort or improvement in the action. "You really spent a lot of time cleaning your room, I can see all of your toys are back where they need to be. Looks good."-- this is more balanced and informative praise than "good job! Such a good kid." Another example: "Wow, Charlie! You ran all the way around the block. Remember when that was really hard for you, and this time you did it! Nice effort!" instead of "you are the fastest kid in the land" (there is often some weird hyperbole in parental praise)

The rote praise many parents absently give really stinks and kids-- they know it. Sometimes rote praise causes conflict with the child's own self-assessment. What I mean to say is, if a child drew a picture they aren't happy with, telling the child "oh, that's great" sort of belies all of the other times that we have praised them. That is, THEY know they didn't give their best effort, that it's *not* a good picture, and what we are saying is false to them. Far better, when they come to us seeking an opinion on their work, to turn the question back to the child: "Well, tell me about your picture...." and to let the child give their own interpretation and opinions.

I think overpraising is sort of a less engaged response to what our children do. We can always point out concrete benefits to what our children do without making it about who they are. Pointing out helpful behaviors we like "Thanks for bringing in the grocery bag. I didn't have to make an extra trip. That was thoughtful." or "Thanks for setting the table. I love having the help when I'm making dinner." or even "Wow, you remembered to set the table tonight without being reminded. You're really starting to remember."
All this instead of "You are a good little helper"---

These are two very different directions of praise. Praising the child often showers the child with positive words, but the praise implies that the child is only as good as their behavior in that moment. And the praise is to the child, alone. Praising effort focuses on not just the positive elements of the action/behavior, but also, if you have noticed, imparts a sense of belonging in their family/community/classroom. Your action helped the whole, you are a part of this group, your contribution is noticed and is important and you can be an active player in life.

And of course, at some point we should give the child the benefit of the doubt and remember they are intelligent. Praising a 2 year old for peeing on the potty is very different from praising a 5 year old for the same thing. At two, that praise is appropriate because they are on the cusp of that sort of development; at 5, it should be a given that they will be using the toilet, just like they breathe and sleep and we do not praise for those things. We should praise for things requiring effort, stretching one's abilities, trying new things-- in short, some sort of progression. Praising a child for doing what they already do regularly and what is 'beneath' their emergent skills, nope. That also undercuts the validity of praise.

So yeah, those are the facets of praise which I find intriguing. This is something I have had a lot of discussions about and have contemplated for years. Me personally, I give my son notice of good effort, and do want to let him know that he is a loved, good person- and all I have to do is take a quiet moment, look at him and smile and just say "I sure do like you, Kiddo".... just him. Not for anything he's done, but just for who he is. "Being love", as identified by Maslow on his hierarchy of needs.... being loved just for being, period. That's what I strive to give our son. That he knows he's loved just for who he is, without an inflated sense of importance, that he belongs to our family and his world. Sorry this was so long-- I'm sure there are many other great answers here.

ETA: I do agree with Ms May regarding over thinking, to a degree. I've thought about this a lot because I've worked in early childhood ed for a long time and this is something we who serve children think about. Does it mean that a 'good job!' never is uttered? No, but I have also seen an excess of 'good job' without the balance of constructive feedback for the child. I only think this is 'damaging' if there isn't that balance, as Ms May pointed out, and the child is shielded from the natural consequences of life. I will say, however, that hearing parents say "good job" every.single.time their child slides down the slide or does the same little dance five times in a row or draws the same "beautiful picture" over and over-- it gets a bit empty.

I think it's possible to over praise anyone.
You want to praise them for actual accomplishments not every little tiny thing.
That will only create an over inflated ego.

Additional:
You're not getting it.
An off the cuff comment from your son about his 'maniacal brain' is not necessarily a self depreciating comment and although you heard it, it wasn't to you.
He didn't want or need you to come back with any sort of answer with regard to his brain being something you loved.
Your comment/response/praise made no sense.
Your Mom understood the miscommunication - and she's right.
You have an interesting idea about what unconditional love means.
It doesn't mean what you apparently think it does.
You can totally love your kid and still provide boundaries (which they need).
Consider getting some therapy to come to grips with your childhood.
You are over compensating with your own kid.

ADD: What you did at the dinner, was a loving/joking compliment. What your mother did was inappropriate. Seriously. I can see what you mean by conditional love. As long as you're not praising him constantly, but LOVING him constantly (not the same thing), you're good.

ORIGINAL: Yes. Praising a child for every little thing is not healthy. Praise them for praiseworthy things. Better yet, reinforce the hard work they put into what they learned, did, etc.

I have a quiet child who for them, getting on school bus by themselves the first time was a bit challenging, so I tucked a little stuffy in their pocket. At the end of the day when they came home, I said I was proud of them for being brave. I know for most kids this would come off as over-praising (something they should be able to do) but for my little one, it was a big deal.

When they get stickers for all their work - not so much - because for that same child, it's not hard to get stickers. We expect good work. But for standing up in class and sharing a project and presenting ... whoa, then I say HURRAY. Not over the top, but I know how hard it is for them.

I think it should be encouragement mostly - and helping them to step out of their comfort level to try new things. And I would praise if it went well or badly.

Ms. May's reply is perfect, every word. I totally agree. Ms. May, you nailed it. The worse risk is parental over-thinking and over-analyzing of what should be positive, natural interactions with our kids, such as simply saying "Good job" right there in the moment.

Some parents are so against praise that they intentionally ration it out as if they'll damage their children forever if they say "good job" one time too many or for something that isn't a world-rocking major achievement. I actually know a few parents like this. It's sad, because if their child makes an effort at something but doesn't hit the mark, get the best grade possible or win first prize, there is no recognition of the effort made. There's only, "Well, glad you tried hard. Maybe next time you can do better/get that A/come in first...." Seriously, I've heard this stuff. Hearing that enough times must teach the kids a lesson in how to stay perpetually disappointed in themselves. It's a sad flip side to giving kids an award for every move they make and praising them for every breath they draw.

Yes, it is possible to "overpraise" anyone, but context does matter, greatly, because it's also possible to under-praise or to "praise" with so many "maybe next time" caveats that kids know the real meaning is, "You should have done better."

Which brings me to...what's the context you promised? I'm curious, and curious as to why you were interested in general replies before giving specifics....?

I think it's certainly possible to praise a child in a way that does them no good at all. For example, telling a child they're smart may seem like a compliment, but then when the child comes up against a problem they don't know how to solve... then what? Are they too stupid to solve the problem, if they don't know how? In my opinion, it's much better to praise a child for working hard: "I think it's great that you never give up! Even when things are hard, you keep trying until you figure it out!" THAT kid, when faced with a difficult problem, will keep at it. The "smart" kid may not.

Likewise, I tell my daughters they are strong, coordinated, and good competitors and teammates. I do not tell them they're pretty (even though they are). I feel it's important for a girl's self-worth to be firmly rooted in things they can control (sportsmanship, strength, self-confidence), instead of things they can't control (looks).

Another thought I have on this subject is that kids know when compliments are empty. If my 9-year old scribbles all over a page and then says, "Look at my beautiful artwork!" I'm not going to have a problem pointing out that she spent 20 seconds scribbling all over the page. Kids are told ALL the time at school that they're doing a great job, when they aren't. Or they're told that they tried their best, when they didn't. Kids aren't stupid. They know when a compliment isn't sincere, and that devalues any other compliment they receive. Praise should be sincere and meaningful, when it's given.

So, I think the discussion is much more nuanced than just giving praise. We need to think about what we are praising, and how. I think it's entirely possible for us to give praise in a way that actually damages kids, and at all costs, we should avoid doing that.

Unless you were saying it in a kidding way, I agree with your mom too. That seems over the top to praise like that even if he is literally a genius. I try to balance praising some natural abilities but focus more on effort. If I had a friend who said that to her child I'd roll my eyes and wonder how long we would be friends.

I just wanted to say, you're still practicing conditional love.

Praising him based upon his "maniacal brain" and "brilliance," etcetera, is still conditional.

"I love you" is a complete sentence. If you want your son to know you love him, you don't have to come up with a list of all his amazing accomplishments and abilities. You love him because he is DS. He is loved because he's a member of the W family and he's special to you.

Overpraise becomes empty praise. If you want to show your love, do it without the praise. Praise only when actual praise is earned. Love all the time.

Since our children were little, they were praised on their choices. If they choose to do their homework and study, they get good grades. If they choose to try their hardest at sports, they will eventually get the spot they are after. If they choose to clean their rooms and do their chores, they can do whatever fun activity they want.

It honestly sounds like your comment was over the top. Yes, I believe my kids are the best of the best, but that's because they are mine. I am fully aware they all have their faults - they are human, like me. It doesn't make me think any less of them. But I don't praise them when it's not due and I encourage them to try harder and do better.

So yes, you absolutely can over praise a child. Don't do it.

i try to praise hard work/good effort and not natural talent. In fact, I downplay things that come easily.

Thus, I agree with your mom on this one.

There is a book on this subject, I will see if I can find it..

ETA: It's not the book but here is a good article on this. http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2012/02/why-you-sho...

Funny thing is it almost wouldn't occur to me to praise my children for their intelligence. First of all, it could make them little snotty aholes who think they're smarter than everyone. And second of all, given they are "smart enough" I really don't care how impressive their brains are. It's what they DO that matters. I know plenty of super smart people who have done very little in life and plenty of more average people who have been very successful. So it's all about what you do with your blessings that matter to me. I'm sure Bill Gates is super smart but that's not all that got him where he is today. Being really smart can get you through school easily but after that - way more factors come in to play. Bill Gates was driven and passionate and worked his butt off and was creative etc. Often to be successful people skills are incredibly important too. So I'm taking the approach of praising actions that I think will help my kids be "successful" in life. Their raw intelligence is only a small factor of that equation and I'm so tired of parents acting like it's the only factor. So if I praised my kids' brains, I'd worry I was going to put that thought in their head too. They're very smart so all set. Not true at all. And haven't you heard of the local HS superstar who gets to the big ivy league campus and realizes he/she isn't all that? And they're crushed.

Kids aren't stupid. If they are always told they are the best, the smartest, the prettiest/most handsome, etc. they will catch on and realize their parents aren't being honest.
And then begins the self doubt, why is my mommy saying this?
Your kid will think you are delusional, or a liar (which is worse? lol!) and the older they get the more they will doubt themselves wondering why mommy can't see me for who I really am.
Praise your child's BEHAVIOR, that's a whole lot healthier than stroking their ego.

Yes, it's possible to over-praise a child. This is like getting a trophy just for participating - which I am NOT a fan of.

Praising a child for working hard at something and EARNING it.

My kids KNOW when I am "gushing". My 15 year old has even said "mom - enough" while I mean it - he knows it's overboard.

If he hears "EVERY DAY" he's amazing? What will be next? Walking and chewing gum is NOT amazing. Keep it real. Don't make up for what you were not given as a child.

Love him unconditionally. Stop giving praise for walking and chewing gum. There is a difference between a "great job" and a "good job"...he needs to know that. You keep telling him every day he's done a GREAT JOB and it's really mediocre?? You have set him up for failure and unrealistic expectations because he will expect everyone else to think what he does is "amazing"

Be realistic. Give praise where praise is due. Everything else? Be polite and use manners - thanks for doing that for me. I appreciate it.
Thanks for setting the table. I appreciate it.

Good luck!

why not over praise (if that is what people want to call it) when in life will a person ever be told (if at all) how wonderful, how great, how smart, how off the charts magnificent they are... :) However, I don't just lay out all the positives for my child, I do mention when things are quite the opposite... If a response from me requires praise I NEVER hold back, but better believe when my child is acting in a negative fashion, he hears about that too..
in general, parents have been raising children for 100s of years and praising and even over praising in many households is a standard... and why not.. it gives a child that extra boost and dose of self-confident that as an adult might be hard to draw upon IF you never had a lot of praise when younger (such was my case) so I never wanted my son to endure that... In my child's case.. he's always been highly praised and so far at 13, he's done so much, he plays an instrument (really well) he learned on his own how to get a book published and copyrighted and then he published a short book... he gets straight As and the list goes on. this isn't to brag, but rather to say, I think it's because he is so praised and supported that he feels confident enough to get out there and take chances in life... so keep praising !!!! amen !!! hahah :)