Pre-Teen Years

Hi K.:
I have 3 boys, and my oldest is 18yrs old, and he has a girlfriend who is 17yrs old, and has a 2yr old daughter, talking about babies having babies, we get along really well, due to the fact all I can figure out is she had no one to really sit down and talk to her about things, her mom and ada are to busy with their own lives and just never got around to that talk until it was too late, so now she comes to me and we talk and I treat her like she is my daughter, my 2nd oldest son is 13 yrs old, and my 3rd son is 11, they both like to hang out with their friend(girls) who are just friends, and I know this due to me and my boys having a one on one communication, I've always let them know they can come to me no matter what it is they need to talk about, I'm not only their parent, but a friend as well, but parenting comes first and if they can't come to me for help, then who will be there to have their best interest at heart, and we talk about everything, I don't feel we as parents should have to hide everything, so being open with your child really helps, just make sure they know you won't get upset, or get outraged at them, but your there to help everyway you can. they will most likely trust you and come to you with whatever, mine do, and I mean everything!!!!*Ü* so keeping the communication line open and being there for them will work if you just make sure they know that your there no matter what. hope this helps. my mom was open with me and so glad she was, I never had to hide or sneak to do anything, and now my kids come to me for advice and well my 18 yr old is very well mannered young man at his age, and so glad I talk to them and let them know I'm there no matter what. you have to stress that to them all the time to gain there trust. and you shouldn't have any surprises. good luck and hope things work out for you.
D.

hey K.,
I'm in a near by boat i have a 13 and 12 year old. I really want to lock them in ther bed room until they both agree there only 5 and are ready for kindergarden that way they will still totally depend on me.. OK OK back the the real world i would say trust is now going to come into play i know where my boys stand on everything from sports to girls to SEX and drugs and that helps my boys have five clear rules and i have to trust them for the rest

1. i get to know where they are AT ALL TIMES including talking to parents at freinds houses

2. They are not allowed any drugs at all..

3. they must be home by 7pm school nights and 9pm other nights

4. they want to be treated more grown up they don't fight chores and the get good grades

5. hand holding and hugs are fine with your girl friend i'd prefer no kissing (but i know better i was 13 once) but i leave that up to them

this really work well with mine we have talked so much and they know all the risks involed with every thing they do they know everything from internet to live outside there room is a gift for how the conduct them selfs with there peers and teachers. hope this helps and remember you said she has given you know indication of bad choices so trust her until she does and let her know your trust is based upon who SHE behaves

I was raised very strictly. I was not allowed to go anywhere without a parent (mine or some one elses) until I was old enough to drive there by myself. My dad made sure my shirt always touched my pants and that I was not over made up when ever I left the house.. I hated him for it!!!! But, when I was about 19 and I looked at what some of my friends with less strict parents did with thier high school years, and what some teens were dressing like. I thanked him. I wasn't easy but he stuck to his guns, he tought me young and early that being independent wasn't my right, but a privelage. Through a story that's for another day, I ended up on my own at 17. And I had enuogh respect for myself, my body and my "elders" if you will to make it. Independence is awsome, but too much to early I think can be harmful. And at 12 well I personally feel that the choice of hair style, apropriate clothes, extracuricular activites and music are enough. But like I said I, was raised very strict.

And it certaily didn't hurt me any. I am 28 with 2 kids 2 and 4 and I run my own business from my home.

OH and trust, you have to trust her till she gives you reason not too.. Keep comunicaion lines open always.

Kids need boundaries...

Hope this helps...

H.

http://wisemommy.fourpointmoms.com

OH boy am I dealing with this now!! I have a 13 yo daughter, in the 7th grade that is dealing with all these issues. I tell my kids this:

1. When they are with friends, (boys or girls) there needs to be an adult present and I need to know everything: like who will be there? what all is being planned...and all associated details. I"m not trying to invade there privacy, but its a responsibilty as a parent to know everything my kids are doing.
2. No being out on the streets past dark, a young girl has no business walking the streets at night, thats when the majority of predators are out, looking for just that, young girls out on the streets at night.
3. Be careful who you hang out with, if they have a bad rep, and you hang out with them, you will have the same rep, just by association.
4. Don't try to lie or be sneaky! You do, and all our trust will be gone, and it will take a LONG time to get it back., (and I usually WILL find out) If there's something they want to do, and they don't think we'll go for it, lets talk about it...maybe something can be worked out with stipulations and boundaries.

Being a parent of a pre-teen is hard, they are trying so hard to be more independent, yet still so young and immature. I want to teach my daughters responsibity and consequences. They need to think out all there decisions and think of any and ALL consequences, and be prepared to deal with all potential consequences of all there actions. I have been trying to keep my kids busy...they are involed with things like track, volleyball, basketball, choir, etc..hoping if they are busy, they won't get into trouble. NOt only that, being part of a team builds team spirit, team work, pride, self esteem, and fun!! HOpe any of this helps...its helped me too to write it all out. :-)

Keeping the lines of communication open is KEY. I have an 11 yr old in 7th grade. She has her friends and I don't like a couple of them. I can't stand her best friend and the girls Mother is even worse. The only thing I can do is instill what our values and morals are in her and let her make her choices. They need to learn by mistake in some cases. It's hard to sit back and watch them learn lessons the hard way, but it's necessary sometimes. The only thing you can do is be there when it happens to lend what support and encouragement you can. My daughter knows about choices and consequences.

As for what she is allowed....she has a cell phone that has strict rules on it as to who she is allowed to talk to and stuff. She is allowed to go to a movie, the mall, school dance or an enclosed place with strict rules on staying there and not leaving the facility for any purpose but to be picked up. She is good about checking in with me when she is out, even though I don't require it. Usually it's only a couple hours but she calls me just to see what I am doing! LOL. Her grades are good and as long as that is the case, she is given certain leeways! She knows the difference between "right" and "priveledge".

AS for boys, again, communication and it should start WAY before this stage in my opinion. I have bought her tons of books, talked with her about things, etc. I have even had to initiate things like her shaving. Funny....she was wearinng cap sleeved shirts, arm hair hanging out a bit and it grossed me out one day, I mentioned her shaving and she was indifferent to it. I let her know that when she felt she wanted to or was ready to, that I would show her what to do and get her her own supplies. About a week later she approached me and said she was ready! The bra thing, sometimes she wears them, sometimes not...I bought her what she needed and told her it was up to her. The only thing I can do is let her know when she really SHOULD be wearing one and isn't, etc.

Trust that YOU as her parents have instilled in her the morals and values that you hold important. Trust that SHE knows right from wrong and will make the right choices. Give her leeway until she shows that she can't handle that leeway. Give here a little at a time, and as things work, great, as things are a bit too much for her for now, pull back a bit. Also it's about responsibility for her and her own actions. She may be responsible enough to handle the movies on her own, but not the mall, etc.....

It's all trial by error, for everyone! LOL
Good luck.

Hi K.!

I too am a mother of a 12 year old daughter. She will be 13 in March. She is a great kid as is your daughter. Unfortunately, other kids are not so great sometimes. Ya know, I realized that as long as I can trust my daughter, that nothing else matters as much. I know she will make the right decisions as I have taught her to do so growing up. She has seen me go through a lot of things in my life, and she doesn't want to do some of the same things and make some of the same mistakes. If she has a lot of friends that is a great thing. Let her do some of the things, more often, that she would like to do, as long as she listens, and does what she is told, you shouldn't really have any problems. My daughter has become very lazy. I have to take priveleges away for her to clean her room, and do her chores, these are some struggles we have. Overall, she is a good girl. Hope i've helped, if you have a specific question I can answer, I would be happy to do so. :)

K.,
If you have given your daughter the correct tools to make the right choices then you are ahead of the game. When you say you don't trust the other kids that she hangs out with, you are saying you dont trust your childs choices. Its so easy to say that the other kids they hang out with made them do it,but if they didnt want to they wouldnt. Let her have a little more leash and see where she heads with it. If she does well, give her a little more. Have a decussion before hand to set boundries, and let her know what would happen if she crosses them, and stick to what you say. The sticking to what you say will make her think twice about doing wrong.

Slumber parties..
Coffee shops after school hours..
Keep an off-limits policy for R-rated movies..

Story-telling about your own teen years, from the blissful moments to the dreaded moments to the heartbroken moments to the college moments.

You can have your daug meet a REAL teenage mother who kept her baby at age 13-14 so your daug will gain the insight and begin to not appreciate teenage boys those who bailed/backed out. Then who knows, your daug will become a mother later than 25 years of age??

Boy craze.. I really don't know the options for that type of things. I'm a 22-years old momma that looks back in the past to remember what I liked my mom doing when I was 12.

Hi K.,
I most definitly have a pre-teen 11 year old at home and she comes home to say that other girls pick on her at school. I gotten the school involved but to no avail. My daughter claims she has gone to the counselor at school. But my daughter claims she way to busy to be and turns her away. Which I can't understand they are there for our children and they are to busy to be bothered by an 11 year old whose being picked on. Ok I see where this is leading. By the way my daughter is beautiful, believe me I'm just not saying this because I'm her mom. She is going through the stage of spending nights at her friends andit seems weekends are just her time to get out of the house. I live in a town where there pretty much nothing to do for our pre-teens, movies but i won't allow her to go due to the fact to many boys are there. And I've taken her but she wants to go with friends and not me or other moms. She says it is embarrassing. Unless its a family night.
I have explainned the do's and don'ts to her and what her actions and other peoples actions may cause. She understands, but she's at an age where mom is still important, but friends are to now. So it looks as if were just waiting to see where they land.
Just we need to hang in there and do our best and hope and pray our daughters become happy, healthy, and safe from this big bad world we live in and that they take what we taught and live it.That all we can do as Mother's who are trying to raise pre-teen agers.

My daughter is 11 and in the 6th grade and my husband and I will treat no different next year! We only let her go places without us if it is with other trusted adults that we know personally. I don't think you can be too strict or careful these days! Dad says she can't date until he date can beat dad up! LOL But he means it!

Hi K.,
My daughter is 13 and pretty much in the same phase, I think that we've figured out that if we keep her busy then she doesn't have that much time to just dwell on her hormones. We have her in alot of activities that are confidence builders. She sings with a local choir, plus her church choir, she plays violin, and had her taking lessons, she's active in her school government, she/we do alot of theater, she helps with the family business and works very hard on her grades. Though we don't put pressure on her to achieve I think it helps that she has an older brother that is very goal oriented. So we know that someday there is going to be a "boy", and it scares me too, but I know that we've laid the ground work for her confidence and she is going to want to pursue her dreams first before getting caught up in a relationship. When she does go out it is on a church group date and a movie with a friend or her brother every once in a while and just this year we let her attend the dance at school. She seemed to handle it just fine. Good luck and I hope this helped.
Jackie E.

Hi K., I have a 11.5 year old daughter and she is in the 6th grade. She is just now wanting to start going to friends houses after school and to different places with just her friends, I tell her to be home at a certain hour and if she doesn't then she gets grounded and for every minute she is late it is aminute sooner that she has to be home next time. I feel that this teaches her responsibility.. I also agree with you on the other kids and the influences thy can give but I feel and I let her know that I trust her until she gives me a reason not to.