Preschool Boy Hitting and Biting

It's not bullying. But - you should ask the school specifically what they are doing to handle it.

In my child's daycare, if a child is going through a biting stage (and many do especially around age 2), then an extra teacher is brought into that room and the biter is shadowed so that any time he starts to get frustrated, the teacher can intervene and defuse the situation.

Even if the kid might be targeting your child more than others, it's not bullying. However, the school isn't dealing with the situation effectively. Speaking as the parent of a former biter (our now-12-year-old son bit other kids at daycare pretty often between ages 1 and 2), I will say that it is an extremely hard habit to break. We tried everything and finally were asked to withdraw him from the school after almost a year. It turned out that putting him into an in-home day care with a small number of kids did the trick; he stopped immediately, which led us to think that he probably felt overwhelmed at the big daycare and needed to be somewhere else. So it was best for everyone that he left the daycare. My point is that the child himself isn't being done any favors by being kept in the school if the staff can't get him to stop lashing out at other kids.

Regarding their response, even though many children do pass through the phase, the school has to take it seriously and not dismiss it as 'kids will be kids.' I do think you need to get together with the other parents and perhaps write a joint letter about your concerns (with specifics) to the director, followed up by a meeting. Also, start researching other daycare options, so you will know you have someplace to take your child if there is no action. Letting her know that a bunch of you are going to pull your kids from the school should get her attention. Good luck, and I am sorry you are dealing with this situation.

When our daughter was first in day care there was a time when this was happening, and man,they were all over it. They watched that child like a hawk. It was very upsetting to all of the parents.

Since that center is not taking care of this to your satisfaction, I would look for another place. You pay too much money to be this upset about the people caring for your child.

The problem is your preschool.

From years reading posts on MP, I know I've seen this situation here before and have seen posts noting that many preschools do not tolerate what you describe. Those directors would already have had this boy's parents in to meet and to get a warning. I know that some preschools actually have policies about biting because victims' parents get VERY upset by it (and with good reason). Some preschools have policies along the lines of "One time gets a warning, second time gets a final warning, third time and the child is expelled."

Your preschool director sounds lame, frankly.

But I have to ask: Is this the first and only time you have gone to her about this? Once? If this has gone on all school year, why haven't you reported it sooner? You also say that other kids are getting hurt by this one boy; have their parents reported that to the director or do the parents just complain to each other but say nothing to the director and/or the classroom teacher? If that's the case -- some of the blame is on the rest of the parents here for not being assertive and up front sooner.

You and other parents need to get together and go in person to see the director. Every single parent who goes needs to be on board to say, "This boy did X to my child." Photos of the injuries would help a lot.

One of you going alone, once, will do nothing if the director is as weak as she sounds. "Working with the boy's parents" is dandy but if the boy is still injuring other kids, the "working" isn't working at all. I would tell the director that you will move your son to another preschool if this happens again and you will not pay any further fees or tuition if you do so, because she did not fulfill her "duty of care" toward your son as her student. If other parents make the same threat, she is going to pay a lot more attention to you. But you all have to be willing to actually DO this.

I would not want my kid in a preschool where multiple children are injured by the same child throughout the year and the response is that "kids will be kids." That is incredibly stupid of her. She doesn't seem to realize she could end up sued if a child is really hurt by this boy. In fact, you could mention that and see what she does: "The preschool could be legally liable if this boy hurts another child seriously enough. You have a legal duty of care toward all your students, and while it's sad this boy has issues, you are not protecting the other students. What do you plan to do next? Because we are here to say that if this does not stop we are removing our children from this preschool."

Throw around terms like "legal liability" and "duty of care" and then sit in her office and just look at her expectantly waiting for an answer. She may finally get it then.

I'm confused. Is this preschool through the school district? Did you receive any type of policy handbook when you enrolled your son? If so, I would review it again. They may not be following their own policies.

The principle doesn't seem to get it. It is great that he is working with the family, but guess what? Its not working. I would be in his office everyday with my son showing him the injuries.

If this is through the school district, I would notify the principle again and state that if this is not resolved in a timely manner (give a deadline), then I would be contacting the superintendent of the school district. If this is a private daycare, let the principle know that you will be contacting the owners.

No this is not bullying. This little guy doesn't have the capacity to understand that.

The daycare is responsible for the safety of the children. They are failing. THAT is the problem and needs to be addressed immediately.

Are you documenting all of this? Photos, dates, written description of the incidents and the communications between teachers and yourself? Are accident/incident reports being kept track of on the part of the school?

Is the preschool through the school district, or privately owned? Privately owned and you would be speaking to the director, not the principal.

School districts have their hands tied, relatively speaking, when it comes to expelling kids with behavioral issues. I know this because my first-grade son is being bullied; when I have spoken with other educators who are familiar with school policies, they have made it clear that it is extremely difficult to get a child expelled any more. It has to be along the lines of 'brought a weapon to school' before they have the legal ability to kick a kid out.

That said, what we have done-- and what I strongly advise you to do-- is to lean hard on the school and insist that they create a *safety plan* for your child. Be clear with them that you *expect* that your child will not be continually hurt by this child and put it back on them "what are you doing to keep my child safe at school"? Because I knew that getting my son's bully removed from his class was going to be impossible, I focused on what I could, which was making sure the school knew I was holding *them* accountable for his safety.

I would exhaust that option first before any further action; if this didn't help the situation, if it IS a program run by the district, then contact the School Superintendent.

If it is a private-run facility and the director gave me that line of 'kids will be kids'... I'd be looking elsewhere. That's a crappy line for the director to offer; yes, kids will be kids, but as a former preschool teacher, I know there are ways to ensure that children who hurt others are not allowed to do so with impunity. This does mean 'extra' awareness and work for the teachers, but some proactive strategizing can help immensely. Good luck.

ETA: reading through others' responses-- I do agree that this is not bullying; I hope in telling you how we are dealing with our own issue (much older kids, seven) that you do not think I'm drawing a parallel in regard to this youngster being a bully. If his parents choose not to get him help and give good guidance, he could *become* a bully, but he's still very, very young.

He's not a bully. But whatever they're doing, it's not working and causing problems. Go over their head. The little guy needs help, and your little guy needs to feel safe.

It's not bullying but it is a problem. Many kids go through a biting phase and there is not much anyone can do except shadow the kid and try to prevent him/her from injuring anyone. It only takes a second though so it can be difficult to impossible to prevent 100% of the interactions. The school should be assigning one caretaker to shadow the offending child. Otherwise, not much to do. Expelling the child would be way over the top.

About no tolerance policies for biting - really? Our preschool had a policy - they would NOT release info on which kid was biting to other parents. They would assign a caregiver to shadow that child and distract him/her before she bit. LOTS of children go through this phase. No amount of 'warning' or consequences for a three year old changes their ability to self control. Time and brain development do that. When my son was that age, he was bitten once. I remember being so grateful that I was the parent of the bitee not the biter. That would be so so much harder.

They are 3 not in 3rd grade. Bullying is a willful act where one person is forcing another to do things they don't want to or causing fear in someone by threatening them if they don't do what the other one wants. This is behavior that kids do.

If your child is being injured on a daily basis then of course it's out of hand. I'd keep an eye on this for sure. Have you considered volunteering in his class?

Bullying? Lord! An out of control three year old is not a bully, he just lacks control.

It will only effect the out of control child if he can't learn to control his impulses because he will have no friends because everyone is scared of him. All your son will learn is to avoid him.

This is NOT bullying. This is normal behavior for a preschooler - unwanted but normal. I would put my concerns in writing so there is a paper trail. Should that boy actually injure your son, both his parents AND the school will be liable. And I would say that in the letter - Should my son sustain injury, I will hold this school responsible for that injury. That puts them on notice and they will recognize that as "legal notice" of a problem. If there is one thing that gets a school's attention, it's the threat of legitimate legal action,

I definitely wouldn't consider it bullying... The kid is only 3. He doesn't have the mental capacity to bully yet.

This seems to me like a lack of supervision, and a kid who has never been taught how to appropriately express whatever emotions are leading to his physical behaviors.

I would start documenting all incidents, and try to get your son switched to a different class. If it really is such a serious problem with other kids as well, try to talk to some of the other mothers. Get them to document as well, and maybe petition to have the child removed from class (which sucks for him and his family, but it isn't fair to the kids getting hurt that they can't play in a safe environment...) if the teacher is unable to supervise him, knowing his history of physically hurting other kids, then he needs to be separated from them.

i would get him out of there since they are not being proactive. have you talked to the other parents whose kids are being targeted as well? have they gone to the principal?

What does your son's teacher say about the situation? I would be absolutely livid! If this has been going on since the start of school then I think this boy needs to be kicked out. Maybe you can get together with some of the other parents and go above the principal. Obviously he is not taking this seriously. Good luck!

this is normal bad behavior for 3 year olds..

No it is not bullying as a 3 year doesn't have the forethought to put together the plan to bully anyone.

3 year olds bite hit kick .. they do not have social skills.. they are learning..

however.. some 3 year olds have been removed from day care preschool if their behavior is harmful to other students..

you could certainly switch schools for your son.. but you might find a similar kid in another school..

A long time ago, I watched a preschool teacher teach. She was the best in the town. So, I observed her. She has a class of 17 inner city students.
I noticed that this teacher would go over to the child and physically remove him by taking his hand, walking him to the opposite side of the room, kneeling down and explained what he did and that it wasn't acceptable. Then, she walked this child back to the other child and had him apologize for_____. Then, the teacher would say the class rule.

Threes need to learn rules over and over before they get them.

Is there a second adult in the room? An assistant? If so, the assistant should be watching over him when the teacher is doing something else.

With that being said, I would not want my child being hurt - especially near the eyes !!!!

If it were me...I would call the other parents and go to the teacher as a group. Did the other parents address the teacher yet?

Keep a journal...If the principal is avoiding this, who else in the district could you talk to? Tell this person that you need an opinion.

I'm not sure if this is "normal" or not but it is bad behavior. And the bad behavior is not being dealt with properly. Its not fair to the other kids. Obviously, your kid doesn't do this. And you don't want your child to sustain an injury. I would keep bringing it up, and be relentless until something is done to stop it.

So, they said they are working with the boy's parents. But you said the results have not changed. The boy is still hurting your son, physically.
So, TELL the school, that you expect, them to do something about it.
Even if that means, the boy has one-on-one supervision and an adult is WITH him, all day.
Also because, there are OTHER kids there, getting hurt by that boy.

Take photos of your son's injuries. For your own documentation.

Or change schools.
But if you do, TELL the school, why.
And put it in writing.