Problems with College Age Daughter

I would see someone to reassess the ADD. One of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD is an inability to maintain lasting relationships. It could be that medication could help her tremendously.

"I don't want her to grow up to be someone that no one wants to be around..." Mom, she already has. You are suffering because you are arguing with reality. You are trying to change something you have absolutely no control over. This is your daughter's journey and she is the only one that can decide what is best for her life and how exactly to achieve that.

You actually send a message of "You're not good enough" when you hold on to the belief that she should be different. Instead, respect her journey and ability to learn and grow. Allow her to be right where she is. Listen to her, validate how sad and frustrated she feels, and share any wisdom you have about life. At the same time, let go of wishing she would change. Let go of your agenda for her. See that she is capable of change if she chooses and respect that, right now, she is choosing familiar over change.

There is a difference between support and fixing it. With support you listen, share information, and give from your overflow. When we try and fix it we are attached to the other person's outcome, try and rescue them from their consequences, and usually give ourselves away in the process.

You could seek counseling for yourself. This would model for your daughter taking responsibility for your own feelings and would give her permission to seek help herself. You could find a good counselor that would support you in the painful process of releasing your daughter to her own journey and creating a more healthy relationship. Counseling could also support you in learning more about boundaries; what they are, why they are important, and how to create them and keep them.

Watching our children stumble through life and create their own worlds can be a difficult process for us moms. However, it is even worse when we refuse to work within the bounds of reality and try and control things that we can't. Be gentle with yourself. Learn to care for you so that you can show your daughter what self-love looks like. Life Coach Martha Beck said, "We don't teach our children how to love themselves by how we love them. We teach them to love themselves by how we love ourselves."

Amen Tiffany!

I know this is sooo hard. We want our children to be successful in every part of their lives.

I feel like you. I have a personality that is pretty strong. I get along with people but I also know when people are not good for me, or I am not good for them, but I am also older with a lot more ex[experiences.

Our daughter is different than me in many ways. She does not have many friends, she is a more observant person and in a way, she does not waste her time with , "silly people". She has always been very intuitive of people, even as a young child, she could "call out a person" way before the rest of us. The friends she does have are awesome. They are so close. They are a group of friends that I swear could rule the world.. But none of them are silly people..

I had to learn that she is not the type of person that can force herself to spend time around certain people.. I on the other hand can endure all sorts of people for a long period of time, and this is good, because in my business, I do not get to pick and choose who my clients may be,

We can love our children and support them, but we also must allow them to live their lives. Your daughter needs to figure out what this problem is.

My father was 60 when he looked around and wondered, "Why is everyone else so happy? Why do I seem to have all of this drama and unhappiness in my life? He went to counseling.. (not the first time, 2nd or 3 rd time in his life) and asked the Therapist, why is it I am so unhappy and it feels like everyone else is happy?

Changed his life. He was finally ready to deal with himself.
I am so proud of him. I am thrilled that he is so happy. That he loves life.

But no one was able to change him, he had to be the change. It took all of that time to be ready to face himself. That is why he put the effort into it. It was his decision.

And FYI, my husband and I have learned to go and do things on our own, even if our daughter is visiting, we send her out to run errands etc.. to give ourselves breaks from each other.. Do you have older relatives that you can send her to to help them with projects when she is home for the holidays?

Next summer make sure she hs an internship or a job, to get her out of the house.. Most colleges have ways to help pay for the internships.. Get her in touch with them..

Talk with daughter and see if she will go to the psychiatrist just for an interview or a recommendation for additional help.

You are trying to help your daughter find out who she is and how to handle the world. Remember you won't be here her whole life. There is going to be a time when you might "snap" at her and she will be all alone. You can only take so much and she will be lost. She is going to have to find her way and it is going to be very difficult from what you described.

We can't be all things to all people at the same time. You gave her life and you showed her "how" to do things but she must learn how to navigate the world and move forward. I feel for you as she must be emotionally draining. You might need to go to counseling to help you.

May you both find a way for her to be successful. May your whole family have a happy emotional holiday season.

the other S.

You said she's been diagnosed with borderline ADD but did not say if she is getting any treatment for it. Is she? Seeing the college counselor once a week isn't going to deal with ADD.

I agree with 2kidsmama that a psychiatrist sounds more like what she needs. It can take time and effort to find one with whom you work well and she must be willing and able to make that effort in the town where she is in college. You may have to help with that somewhat so that she does not just give up and say "It's too hard to do therapy" especially if the counselor visits are pretty casual; she may at first find the idea of a psychiatrist intimidating.

I would also urge her to be screened for depression. You mention bi-polor but did you consider that she might be depressed? If she was screened for it before college she needs screening again now; a lot of what you describe sounds like possible signs of depression. Even if she is not depressed, she does sound like she needs an outside third party to help her step back and figure out why she cannot maintain relationships.

If she were younger I'd be saying to urge her to join some on-campus groups based on her interests --surely she has some interests for which there might be groups? But she is old enough that she should have been doing this already. Still, have you ever suggested to her that she go to the student activities office etc. and find out about groups? If it's based on a real interest that is much more effective for finding some actual friends rather than just meeting other students in classes.

Laurie A could not have responded any better!
Live your life, and force your daughter to live her own.

In time, she will figure herself out.

I'm so sorry. You are miserable, too. You are going to have to set some boundaries, too.

I know you want her to fly on her own. You don't want to micromanage her life or her emotions. The problem is, she can't manage them herself without involving you. She does need a psychiatrist. I can tell you from experience, the school counselors only help a little bit. They don't know the big picture.

You need to endure her ire and make some decisions that will save you and her, some lifetime pain. I would bet she is depressed and the shyness, is anxiety. Find a psychiatrist around you. It can take a while to get an appt.
Go to that appt with her. They need the picture from your point of view, too.
With good meds and counseling, she could be living a fuller life in about 6 mths. I know that sounds like forever but out of a lifetime, that's not much.
If she had a car accident and had to heal for 6 mths, you'd say, no problem.

She can take a semester off. Changing majors happens, but if you add everything up, I see much more, and you do, too. Tell her, she needs sometime to regroup. You are not paying for an apt. right now. If she sees the psychiatrist and a counselor for 6-9 months, you will be more open to it. You are helping her to help herself. She may balk but you need to hold steady. You can be the bad guy for a while.

I know it hurts. You have to change your expectations for a while. It's not what you planned for her life, or yours. But it is life, right now. I hope you have a good friend or your own counselor that you can talk with. They can help you with boundaries that will help both of you.

It will get better. May God give you strength and peace.

Have her see a psychiatrist regularly to work on this. I know you don't want to send the message that something is wrong with her...but it's a really positive thing to try to work on a very obvious problem you have in life. My youngest stepsister sounds a lot like your daughter. She is shy and immature and is really, really attached to her mom. She is age 40 now. She is married and has young kids, but she has zero friends and does not like to go out and do things. She talks to her mom daily and that is her only friend. She is the kind of person who does not like to leave the house now. She doesn't join the kid and baby groups bc of her shyness. She wishes she had some friends but she never does anything about it. She really uses her mom like a crutch.

I loved Tiffany's answer and agree very much.

My heart goes out to you - that's a tough situation for your mommy heart. I'm sure you want to be a true support and help to her, without enabling her.

At this stage of the game I think you need some boundaries. A counselor might be able to help you sort through all this. And you may need to grieve the situation a bit too. Sometimes we moms haven't accepted reality completely. Things are different for our children than we envisioned, and not always in a good way.

I also think she should consult with a psychiatrist. I am never a fan of meds (or the psychiatric profession) but I do believe there is a sub-set of people (smaller than what the profession would have you believe) who benefit from it. It can't be pleasant for her to live this way either.

Good luck - I hope things get better for her and you. <3

Beautiful response from Tiffany.

She should start by seeing the on-campus counselor.

Changing her major isn't the worst thing -- she's only in her 2nd year -- that's common enough.

However, she should not be "finding fault with everybody and everything." If and when young people complain to me about people, I tell them that attitude is everything. I do not condone complaining nor tolerate complainers for very long. It is important to listen to your child, but only to a degree. If the child constantly complains about other people, you need to tell the child to adjust her own actions and attitude.

The truth, my daughter, is that if you are finding fault with everyone around you, that YOU are the common denominator, so the fault probably lies with you and your attitude.

If my child were complaining to me about someone for the third time, I would tell my child, "Then don't associate with that person. I don't wan't to hear your complaints about X if you're not willing to dissociate yourself from him/her." If the complaint is about a teacher, I tell a child, "In life you need to learn to deal with all kinds of people. Make the best of it."

Put your daughter in touch with the school counselor, for a start. Good luck!

Have you had family counseling? Perhaps talked to her current counselor about how to support her with healthy boundaries and encouraging her to handle her business on her own? If moving to an apartment on campus is simply not an option, is there an off campus solution? My SD moved off campus when Res Life would not allow her to have a roommate she wanted and it ended up being cheaper for us.

My one roommate changed majors many times. To the point where she and her advisor sat down her junior year, put her classes down on a sheet and figured out what she could graduate with. She ultimately got a business degree with a few key classes for the major. All is not lost. She just has to figure out a path.

You can encourage her to join a club at school, or a Meet Up group or a church or whatever, but you cannot make her do those things and find them meaningful. If she doesn't work, she might find it beneficial to have a PT job, with coworkers and money and feel some independence.

How do you reply to her texts? "I'm sorry to hear that. Hope your day improves" or do you really get into it with her? I would keep it simple. Not respond to every one.

I also agree that unmedicated ADD may be part of the problem and if she has not had a recent evaluation, she should consider one.

It is hard not to compare children. One of my sks is more independent than the other and both of them bring their own challenges on themselves. We have had to let them both fail at different points because at 19 and 23, we shouldn't be chasing them down to pay the car registration. When my SD could not take the bus at her preferred time back to campus, she learned that you buy tickets when you see them, not when you get around to it. Sometimes, resist the urge to fix it.

I'm sure your DD has some strengths and perhaps instead of hashing out the days' woes, you can encourage her when you see her doing something she is good at.

With my background in psychology and sociology I tend to go there in some of my answers so bear with me please.

The symptoms you're describing are so textbook for several personality disorders. Non that are medically dependent or where they can't function is society but if she were to get a diagnosis from a trained psychologist who does diagnosis for a living, I bet she'd get one and then she could get the right meds and counseling she needs.

I think I'd first look at Schizoid personality disorder. Problems getting along with people, always finding fault, not being able to form and keep long time friendships, etc...are all symptoms. There are others but you can google it to see if there are more that match up.

Then Borderline personality disorder. The changing her mind a lot and the interpersonal stuff fit in this one too.

I know it's hard being around people that have, well, they just have something wrong with them. It's not anyone's fault, it could just be wiring that crossed or screwed up.

My kids would call yours a "Negative Nancy". Can you fix this? No, but you can call her on it. If she calls to complain, you can either validate her feelings or tell her that when she calls all she does is complain. Tell her how you feel when she does that.
She may also be complaining, and then moving on after the call, so all you hear is the misery and not the outcome.
It's not your job to ensure she has a happy life -- that's her job. Tell her.

Hi, K.:

Find out if there is a co-dependency support group near by her college.
Recommend it to her.

Or find out about an Al-Anon support group near by her college.
Recommend it to her.

Give her a choice, if there is one.

You can not help her.
You are emotionally involved.

Set boundaries.

Good luck.
D.