my daughter will be four in a couple days, and she still has a problem with sitting up at the table and eating. she likes to get up constantly, play around, and in general not eat. she also needs constant reminders to chew with her mouth closed and to wait until she's swallowed before she puts more food in her mouth. i've had stepdaughters in the past who lived with me and my ex-husband for a week every other week, and i don't remember ever having these kind of problems with them when they were this age. in fact, by the time they both were 3 they knew to chew with their mouths closed with minimal reminders and didn't shovel food in the mouths until they looked like little squirrels.
i have no idea what to do about the playing, except to put her back in her high chair when she doesn't sit down and eat. i know it's normal for some amount of play to occur, but this is incredibly disruptive and keeps her from getting enough to eat. as in, she'll beg for food an hour later because she's hungry again. we don't give in, we simply tell her that she should have eaten her food when she had the chance, and offer her some water. as for the poor table manners, she visits her father every other weekend and he lives with his parents and 13 year old brother. the whole lot of them have atrocious manners (i couldn't eat dinner at my in-laws house, it was too disgusting to be around them) so i can only imagine that's where she's picking up her horrible manners, but why isn't the positive influence of me and my SO enough to teach her how to eat right? i'm tired of nagging at the table, time outs seem to give her the out she wants to avoid eating, and giving her a time limit to eat doesn't seem to affect if she chooses to eat or play. we've explained to her time and time again that having good manners shows the people around you that you care about them, and emphasized over and over why they're important. she's polite in every other way (saying excuse me after bodily functions, please and thank yous, excuse me to people if she walks in front of them or gets in their way, etc) so i just don't get it. we also praise her when she does chew with her mouth closed and when she swallows before she takes another bite, but between that and the constant reminding to do those things in the first place it's hard for us to eat our own food. does anyone have any suggestions on how to train my darling monster to eat like a big kid?
Excuse my bluntness, but if you take the food away the first time she gets up and not give it back, no matter how much she cries, I guarantee the next meal she will stay in her seat.
Put you must tell her first, and you must be committed. You must not give in, because then she will know she can always get up and you will give in eventually.
Do not worry about her going hungry for one meal, most kids can do this.
Good luck.
A.,
I to have a 3 going on 4 year old and i just want to experess to you that i think you are being way to hard on your child she is only 3 years old. You can not compare your step children to you child all kids are different. you can teach your child these manners over time. I am just sharing my opioion with you and hope it is recieved as another insight on your situation.
M.
Ok - deep breath - she's still really young. I'm not sure what you are how much you are expecting her to eat. Maybe you are offering too much food. Offer smaller portions.
Kids have different eating habits than adults - they know when to stop and when they need to eat - not offering her food later after she doesn't eat is probably not a good idea. Maybe what you need to do is offer her the same meal again. Also what are you feeding her? We also offer what we eat plus some healthy stuff - carrots, apples, or such - she actually probably eats better than us.
I'd recommend smaller portions - she may be squirreling her food because she's not sure when you are going to take it away.
It sounds like a battle right now - so as hard as it is - try to make it less. My daughter is 3 and I can tell you if she wants to battle me she'll win. You can't make a 3 year old do something if they really don't want to - or rather I haven't figured it out yet.
As for playing at a meal - I'd recommend a booster chair that she can be strapped into rather than a high chair.
I think you are too hard on her. I'm surprise that you are expecting her to eat and enjoy her meals with all that nagging and correcting at dinner time. And I won't be surprise if she eats good when she visits your ex as probably no body bothers her there. May be you should focus more to make the table time more like family fun time, so she would like to be there with you and may be than she might be more eager to please you. Meanwhile it is good enough just to modeling your expectation. Good luck!
Darling monster? Seems like you hold a great deal of disgust toward this little girl. Maybe she senses that. Would you be inclined to please someone who was disgusted by you? Don't blame her for what she has absorbed from her environment.
Hi A.,
It sounds like your little girl is getting a lot of attention for not having the manners you would like to see. This in itself is very exciting to a three year old child, and it's apparent that she's learning how to get you engaged at a time when you would normally be taking care of yourself by enjoying your meal.
If it were me, (and it has been me in the past as a nanny), here's what I would do. First of all, decide what is most disruptive. In my opinion, it would be the bouncing around. So, when that happens, simply explain "You may sit at the table and eat with us, or you may play in your room." No time outs, which also keep you engaged, no threats of taking food away. Just give her two positive choices "You may do "x" or you may do "y", and when she bounces around again, just pick her up and take her to her room without a lot of conversation. "It's time to eat at the table. Come back when you are ready to eat."
At this point, leave it alone. Let her come back when she's ready, and let her eat. Don't discuss this with her, or you'll sabotage yourself. If her food is cold, oh well. The point is that you aren't engaging with her about this, there's no power struggle to punish her for not sitting still, and you go on about your business.
As for the chewing with her mouth open, I'd ignore it for a while, and try to correct it later. Some people just simply forget. It is, however, a great way to get your attention.
The point in all of this is to give her no attention for doing these things that are bothersome. Chances are, if you consistently redirect her to her room, after a while there won't be any fun in acting up.
Good luck!
Hi A.,
I'm short on time so here's the best quick answer now. One of the major discipline rules I ask parents to use is; tell/show your child what you want them to do/what they can do instead of the opposite. this programs children and parents on positive empowerment, responsibility, control, etc instead of the opposite. Use the childs learning styles to communicate. There are 4 major learning styles visual, hands on, reading/writing, verbal. Assess which ones are dominant in your child and when she uses each of them when engaged in an activity. If she is visual, draw or cut out a picture of what you want her to do, hands on, let her practice what she needs to do, reading/writing draft a set of rules with her, say them together, write them and post them in a highly visible place, then you can just point when she needs reminding or redirection. role model the behavior, show her a peer who can behaves appropriately. theres more I'd like to share but I have to go. you can respond with any questions. A little about me, mom of 2 adult children male and female, 2 degrees one in Early childhood development BA interdisciplinary Child development.family studies, extension experience Day Care owner/ educator k-12 for public schools, and more. take care
I would recommend getting a book on manners that you can read to her. They come in paperback form and very short and fun. I think kids absorb alot from books. Our actions just reinforce them. Plus you can use the information from the book as a reminder. For instance, "is chewing with your mouth open good manners or bad manners?" she will tell you "bad". I have done similar with my daughter and now she plays the game with me. Give her a choice "would you like to sit nicely at the big girl table or in the high chair?" she will pick the big girl table and if she doesn't sit nicely than you pick her up and put her in the high chair. Don't use words or get angry just be unemotional. She will get the point. Right now it's a game to see you get angry. Actions without words instill alot more in a child. You are doing a good job not allowing her to have food later. Patience (yeah right) and good luck!
I would put a mirror at the table and show my son how he looked.See how gross that looks! He was so MAD and HURT but, it worked!!!
He was probably older than your girl though, like school age.
She may want to eat like a big girl when the baby comes...or she may want to revert to bottles...but, I'm sure she will look lovely dinning by the time she is dating!!
I agree with small portions and a set amount of eating time.
Take care.
A. - I too have "darling monsters", so don't let that other poster get you down. I also have sweet peas, love nuggets, booger butts...the list goes on and on.
Here's what I had to do with dinner.
My son was NOT a good eater at all. I had to finally realise that it was kind of a power struggle. I would tell her, before dinner, what your rules are. Make sure they aren't too many! "You will sit in your chair until you are done with dinner. If you get out of your chair, you are done. It doesn't matter if there is food on your plate, I will take it away. You will not get anything else to eat. For me, sitting in your chair is the most important.
I would probably ignore the open mouth chewing for now and wait and see if she can just sit in her chair, then focus on the chewing. I would not bother with the bouncing. Kids bounce all the time! UNLESS she is bouncing out of her chair, which then gets her dinner taken away!
Dinner is tough, good luck! L.
She will not starve herself
When she gets up take her food away. If you feel like she needs a warning, give her one, but then be very firm about she got up from the table, she is all done. If you need to get up from the table for some reason during dinner be sure to ask to be excused first - so that it doesn't look like a double standard. I have trained many 1 year olds on up using this method. They seem to learn really quick when their food is gone and they don't get anything else until the next meal. As for chewing with her mouth open I tried making this a game with my boys. Everytime I "caught" one of them chewing with their mouth closed they got a sticker, if I "caught" them with chewing with their mouth open, they lost a sticker. If they didn't have any stickers to give me, they had to earn one really fast or their meal was over. Whoever had the most stickers at the end of the meal got a toy from the toy bucket - I would get cheap toys at the Dollar store or Goodwill (bags of McDonald's Happy Meals toys, kids love them) Since you only have one, and can't make it a competition, you could make 5 stickers earn a toy, or whatever.
She's got your attention!!! She bops back and forth between Dad's house and your's. There is a difference in meal time behavior, so you say. You really don't know because you're not there, you're only basing this on your past experiences. So now, let's talk about your house and meal times. At 4 yrs old, kids are often in a hurry to be everywhere, doing everything but what we want them to. Couple that with the impending birth of a new sister. One that you talk about giving her, but I'm willing to bet she didn't ask for.
Suggestions: When she sits at the table and you serve each other, do you ask her what she'd like to eat? or do you just automatically fill her plate? If you want her to try everything to acquire a taste for a wide variety of foods, only put a teaspoon full of each thing you're having for dinner on her plate. Very small amounts. This way she can't over stuff her mouth, she will succeed in cleaning up her plate, and if she really likes something she can ask for more. Do you allow her to snack within the 90 minutes prior to a meal or fill up on liquids? She may not have the stomach capacity to eat all that you're serving on her plate. In short, lighten up on the pre-meal grazing and drinking. Plan for success. Is your dinner time at the same time every night or there abouts? Great if it is. She'll develop a body clock for that meal time. Have her help with setting the table, putting the placemats down, counting out the silverware or folding napkins. Give her a stool so she can step up and help you prepare things. Then because you have a set meal time, she can be given a set time to go out and play or read after meal time. She doesn't have to hurry to go do something, because the something will be there when dinner time is over. Get her a chart, or make one, where she gets a sticker or a gold star for every successful meal time (including helping to get things ready, clearing her plate to the sink, etc.) Then after so many gold stars, maybe you can go out to a family restaurant together or do something out of the ordinary, special for her good behaviors. A toddler can be taught good manners, but to expect total compliance and understanding by 3 or 4 is a bit of a stretch if adult behaviors are not consistent. So there are ways we do things at Mom's house and things we do at Daddy's house. Be prepared for some rough times because at Daddy's house she will still be the baby, the youngest, the center of their world, while come July her world will be changing dramatically at your house. I strongly suggest that you take her to the sibling classes at your hospital a couple of months before you deliver and start working that issue now.
Best of luck!!!
