Problems with My Husband's Ex

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. But I really think that your stepson will be ok - the fact that he will confess to you when he's done something wrong makes me think that he really does like to have rules, and wants someone to care what he does. Just keep the lines of communication open with him. It's true, there is absolutely nothing you can do about his mother's parenting skills, or lack thereof. All you can do is be consistent with your stepson and do your best with him. It's not ideal that you are all not on the same page, but it's not insurmountable either. You might want to check out www.bonusfamilies.com for some ideas on how to make this situation work. Good luck! Your stepson is so lucky to have you in his life.

Hi Jen!

I, too, am a stepmom, and have been for 14 years. These are some of the most difficult situations that "we" stepmoms can be in....

To give you a quick understanding of my experience, my stepkids came into my life when they were 8 and 10. They are now 22 and 24, so I've been through all the teen stuff and COMPLETELY understand and know EXACTLY how frustrated you are!

The best thing that YOU and your husband can do for your stepson, is to be consistent in your own home. You have to try to "focus' on NOT being upset with the EX. It's very hard, I know, but in the end....by being upset with her....you are hurting your stepson's feelings.

Your responses to your stepson are simple.....you tell him that you love him, and the rules in your home are un-negotiable for reasons for his safety and guidance through the most difficult ages in his life.

You cannot do anything about his mom's house and her rules. And, yes, mistakes will happen that YOU can see coming A MILE AWAY! But...it's her choice, not yours. Your choices are made within your home.

Oh boy, I can tell you stories about my experiences, but I won't take up the space right now. Just know, that after ALOT of practice....it's in the best interest of your stepson to keep your "thoughts and frustrations" about his mom to yourself (or between you and your husband). Always, no matter what, be positive about her....somehow.

I promise.....it comes back to you in 10 FOLD!!!! My stepkids put me almost first when it comes to the most beautiful accomplishments in their lives now. They also come to me with their most troubled issues......nobody else, just me. They've learned they can tell me anything and I will never be negative, only honest and always looking out for their best interest.

It takes awhile, but will last forever. Don't worry, when your stepson turns 20 then the problems will start to "taper off"....hope you can wait that long :o) For now, be the one person in is life that is always positive and "there for him". He is sure lucky to have you!

Good Luck!

:o) N.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Being a parent is challening enough.

I agree with the other moms. He is lucky to have you in his life. Just stay strong at your haouse and when you have him. Rember that boys starting around 11, when puberty starts, challenge the rules. It is just what they do. If you stand your ground and make sure he is happy and healthy when with you everthing well be ok.

As far as his mom you try talking to her about it one more time. Maybe make arragements if he is in trouble at your haouse that you keep him until the punishment is over and then he can go to his moms.

Hope everything turns out good for you and your family

A.

Hi. What a rough spot and your stepson is lucky to have you.

Your husband is correct here. You can't change other people. You have no control over what this lady does and never will, so you need to let that go. When it comes to discipline, you know she will not back you up, so you need to find ways that won't involve her. His punishments need to be something over which you have 100% control - you know your own situation and your stepson, so get creative here. Other than that, all you can do is model decency and responsibility and trust that it bears fruit in the end.

It's not an easy situation to be in, but children need parents to be parents. They need rules and boundaries and discipline and they crave them, though they don't know it. So, what will most likely happen is that she will have a friend in your stepson now, but in the long run, you two will have the greater relationship.

Best of luck to you!!!

Hi Jen T,

You are in excellent company as a matter of fact. Plenty of caring parents would agree with what your mom instinct is telling you.

I think it's important for you to let her know that her lax attitude is undermining your authority and, even more critical, your relationship with your son. Your family is #1 priority. Allowing someone's ignorance or insecurity (whatever it is) interfere with the routine could potentially lead to too much trouble to handle.

I suggest making it a top priority to get the stepmom on board and get her in the game. Maybe a professional service could help you. They're plenty listed in the phone book. I've had a lot of success when I've consulted the professional's about domestic issues.

Good Luck Jen T,
M.

Dear Jen,
I could tell you so many step-mom from hell stories.
The whole thing ruined my marriage and I can't blame the kid. I blame my ex-husband and his first wife. The truth is, I had no say in it even when the kid came to stay at my house. And I actually loved him. Very much. But his father wouldn't discipline him, his mother wouldn't discipline him. It was always a contest between the two of them for who he would like better. It was a full on competition and even though the boy liked me, it was made very clear that I had no say in any of it. As a result, he became a pompous, arrogant, mouthy, selfish, self-centered DEMANDING kid, who even his biological grandparents couldn't stand to be around. As a matter of fact, he would come right out and say....."If you don't give me what I want, I just won't come and see you anymore." "Fine, I'll just live with dad. Fine, I'll just live with mom." Instead of sitting him down and straightening him up, they both jockeyed for position. It got to the point where it was hurting MY children. My daughter from a previous marriage and our baby together. And oh, didn't all hell break loose when we had a kid together. It only lasted a year after the baby was born. It shouldn't have lasted that long, but I tried.
Your husband may be far more reasonable than mine was. But, when the step-son is with you, at your house, you should be able to have rules and routines that are followed. That's pretty much all I ever asked for and didn't think it was unreasonable. "This is homework time, this is dinner time, this is bath time, this is family time, this is bed time. This is what happens when you don't follow the rules......"
I didn't think it would be that hard.
Your husband may be way more reasonable than mine was and you may be able to communicate and get this all worked out. I pray that you can do that.
The only thing worse than one failed marriage is two failed marriages when you have kids so try to communicate with your husband. Know first, and foremost, that you cannot change what the "mother" does or does not do. Forget about trying. That is HER kid and she will do what she wants, even if it includes being a pain in the butt or not doing right by the child if that's what she chooses to do. If your husband isn't worried, then don't you worry either. You have 2 kids of your own that you can raise the right way.

I seriously hope you can get this all worked out for everyone's sake.

Hang in there.

It sounds to me like the 11 year old is old enough, and smart enough to self regulate. His mother is not doing him any favors trying to be his friend. It sounds to me like she is trying to play good cop, bad cop. It also sounds like you and the husband have the right idea. Parenting as a team makes life a whole lot easier. You cannot depend on his mother to present a strong figure. In my opinion you should sit down, decide on a plan that does not depend on if the mother co operates, and stick to it as a united front. If he confides in you, he must like you. So, your doing the right thing by him. I hope that your love and positive influence will continue to guide him through his life. It sounds like he is a good child. So, the good things you teach will rub off. I believe he will realise that even though his mother is lax on things does not mean he should do things that are bad. I think your husband has the right idea, you can not force his ex to be a good parent. It sounds like your good people, so I think that will be a good example for the boy. Good luck.

I can totally relate! It is very frustrating, I know. Being a step-parent on its own is difficult. She is doing this because she is trying to be the "fun favorite parent" so that he will want to stay with her, side with her, whatever. It's selfish but not uncommon. I have realized no matter how much I want to control the situation and mold my daughter into being a wonderful person, there really isn't much you can do. Trying to resist the inevitable is just driving you crazy. I could only do the best I could to instill values and morals in my step daughter and hope that some would stick. After having my own child and then later divorcing her father I tried to get sole custody, and deal with issues of her blaming me for keeping her from her father, and the courts saying the father has rights to visitation. I had to let go and accept the fact that this is a situation I went into and as much as I tried to fight it, I had to realize I could not control it. This woamn may be an unfit parent, but biologically, she is the parent, not you. Unfortunate because you sound like the much better parent. Good luck to you.

I had joint custody for many years. My ex would not take him to school or dicipline him as well as doing drugs in front of my son. Even CPS said it was just a way of life . This was in the 80s/90s. My son was given a few hours to adjust to my rules when he came back home each week. He totally respects me for having rules and sees that it was out of love. You can't force the ex to abide by your rules. I tell my kids that when I stop having rules or wanting to know where and who they are with thats the day I have stopped loving them. My son is now 27 married to a darling girl and very successful. Kids know way more than we give them credit for. My son didn't really like going to his dads but would want to go when he wanted to do something he knew I wouldn't let him do. I told him I was not going to play that game and he could go to his dads but had to stay at least 3 months which he didn't want to do.

Hi Jen I have a 16 year old step-son my husband and i have been together 14 years and he has been living with us for 8 years. I have the same problem with my son's mother she has abandon him, been mentally abusive to him. She has no respect for us as parents. I tried in the beginning to be her friend so we could all be on the same page but she would not have it. So after all these years my son struggles with deppression is in therapy and is still looking for his mother's love. You have to nip this in the bud now it only gets worse. It is putting him in the middle and he will not know where he belongs and he will feel he has to pick sides. Trust me it will affect your whole family. I would try some family counciling.

I hope that this story will help you make your own decisions of what is right for you and your family... I know it is all a personal choice and most likely what you are aiming for is peace within yourself and peace within your family.

My cousin and her husband divorced when her son and daughter were around 7 and 9. She remarried several years after the divorce and now her children are around 21 and 23. She shared with me that she and her new husband decided that he would stay completely out of the "parenting" roll with her children. She and her ex would handle the parenting. It freed him up to stay out of the drama that exes can have with each other (that's why their exes, right?) It was not easy, although she says it allowed him to be present and supportive of her and for him to be a neutral party to her children when there was conflict between them. For him, it was a practice of boundaries and remaining neutral and allowing the exes to have the space to work out the parenting with each other. He was able to model other types of behavior for the kids and I think his presence in this way helped rather than harmed. It is amazing how much influence a person can have when they are not directly in the fray... just by being present, caring, listening and supporting.

Maybe you and your husband should seek custody of him. His dad shouldn't be willing to stand by and watch him be raised in a negative environment. It sounds as if your home would be the best place for him full time.

Unfortunately you can not do much because this isn't your son.
And applying this pressure to your husband and stepson will only make things worse. And anyway who are we to say that his mother isn't doing a good job, we all have different perceptions of parenting. Merging a family is one thing but trying to make everything to your liking is another. As a parent I wouldn't like another person too involved in raising my children. The task involves two people: the mother and the father (even though they are separated). I really think you should take it easy because you're just going to get yourself worked up and nothing will change. You do not want to be responsible for a tarnished relationship between father and son. Just remember that this is not your child and your involvement is limited, so focus on your children (they're the ones that you do have the duty to focus on). Just think how you would feel in the other mom's shoes and maybe that'll change your perspective and not demand so much.