Problems with Son's Grandma

My mother has a tendancy to do things like this to me too. It drives me crazy but as soon as she starts in, I tell her to stop. I put my foot down and tell her "Although I'm a first time mom and I know my son is still young and you have lots of experience raising children, things have changed and we don't do things like they used to. Plus you make me feel like I don't use good judgement with my child which is hurtful. I mean, you raised me and unless you're not sure of what kind of a person I am or who I am, then you should know better about me." I have had to have this coversation numerous times! It's like she doesn't listen but I stay firm. I would say you're much kinder than I am because it's turned into big fights between us before. Literally yelling at one another. She completely ruined my 4th of July last year and we didn't speak for a week over it. So I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from.

Here are some things that stand out to me: She should NEVER call you a bad mother even if you give him non organic food. I'm a huge believer in it but buying 100% organic can break the bank. It's none of her business what you spend your grocery money on, it's YOUR money. Also, she simply needs to mind her own busines over these matters. Follow your doctor's instructions. She's not a speech pathologist nor should she try to make small matters into bigger ones. She's not aware she's doing it but she is. So what if he doesn't talk constantly. Some children don't and unless your doctor is worried, then no one else should be either.

This is what's most puzzling to me. She really is unaware of what she's doing. She can tell you everyday what you're doing wrong but then when you point out one thing, then she gets upset. That's an awful double standard to be in the middle of. You need to sit and explain to her that if you followed her around her house telling her "don't put that there, why did you wash that like that, you use THAT laundry soap" that she'd get really upset, frustrated, aggrivated, annoyed, etc. And unless you're placing your son in danger then she really has no right to tell you you're doing anything wrong...and it's not wrong, it's just not HER way. But you need to tell her these things and explain it's driving a wedge between you and her. I would give her an ultimatum. Stop or you're finding different daycare. And even if that's not true hopefully she'll get the point.

Good Lord, good luck. This is a tough one. I wish you the best. We love our mothers but they be can very meddling.

D.,

What a difficult & nearly impossible situation you are in! First off -- you cannot let your mom cut you down, especially in front of your son. You are the mom, and you are your sons advocate. He needs to know who's in charge. Your mom needs to be grandma, not the mom, and she needs to realize that, even if it has to come across harshly. It is appalling that she would take your son behind your back to the eye doctor. It definitely shows that she has no respect for you or your wished. Maybe she thinks she is doing a good thing, but he's your son, not hers. Tell her boldly (maybe with your husband by your side for support) that while you appreciate her concerns, and you understand they come from love, you and your husband will be making the important decisions for your son (such as getting him evaluated, what he can / can't eat, etc). Explain to her that when she cuts you down & tells you that you are a bad mom, it is a violation of your trust, and shows a lack of respect. When your son sees these things going on, he is going to think it's okay to not have the respect of his elders. And, while he needs to respect adults, it's important that they respect him back. If he sees this cycle, he may not think there is anything wrong when an adult cuts him down or disregards his wishes. I think you should trust your own instincts & your doctor's advice, and if they go hand in hand, stay strong & stick to it. Being that he's 2 1/2, you may be able to start looking at some structured care (preschool style daycare). Maybe start out a couple days a week to get him used to it. Let grandma & grandpa be just that -- grandparents. They're not his mom & dad, and it sounds like they need to know that. It's definitely going to be a tough conversation, but find the strength by knowing you are standing up for your son. You are going to battle for him. He can't do it, so he needs you -- HIS MOM -- to do it for him. Your mom's feelings may be hurt, but as you know, a mother's love is unconditional. Hopefully, she'll figure it out & you can work as a team rather than against each other. Stay strong & good luck!

C.

It was as if I was writing this myself! I had MAJOR issues with my mother, who watches my daughter 3 days a week. She always had an opinion and criticized me if I didn't do things her way. I was very torn because I didn't want strangers watching my child AND she watches her for only $100 a week (only because I insisted I pay her something--otherwise, she'd do it for free).

After months of comments and snapping at each other, we got into a huge fight, where she was screaming at me (while holding my daughter). First, I told her to put my daughter down if she was going to continue screaming at me and said that she has never witnessed fighting before until now (oh, was I mad!). Then I reminded her that I am her mother, and while we may not agree on everything- she has to remember that it's MY child and I will make decisions on how she is raised. I KNEW she was going to threaten me with the whole "if you don't like the way I'm taking care of her, then maybe you should take her somewhere else" and I was prepared for that. I said, "Is that what you really want? I have no problem with taking her somewhere else. I don't think that's in anyone's best interest, but you cannot threaten me with that. I won't like having a stranger watch my daughter, but I'll do it if I have to. And don't complain to me that you never get to see her--you will have to live with that decision since you're giving me the ultimatum." When she continued to scream at me, I took my daughter and left. I knew we weren't going to get anywhere until she could calm down (I had never raised my voice the entire time she was screaming at me).

The next day, my dad was the one who greeted me at the door. I asked if it was okay to leave my daughter, and he said of course and that they wanted her there. I worked the whole day and when I came back, my dad was the one waiting for me again. He asked me to come chat with him for a moment... I told him right off the bat that I was not going to apologize to my mother because I didn't think I did anything wrong. He said he wasn't going to tell me that, but he just wanted me to realize that my mom loves my daughter fiercely (I never questioned that) and that she only wants to do what's in her best interest. I said, "Good, then we agree on something."

So I went downstairs and told her I had something to say and didn't want to be interrupted (she has a habit of doing that), and I said something like: I know you love Madi, you have her best interest at heart and you don't want to do anything that would ever hurt her. I feel exactly the same way--can we agree on that? (Mom nodded yes.) Good, then let's remember a few things: Just because this is my first child, it doesn't mean that I am completely clueless. I have babysat children since I was 10 years old. All my friends had kids before me and I've been around their kids and even changed their diapers. I am always reading up on childcare and never hesitate to ask the pediatrician questions. I do not hesitate to seek help because I want what's best for my child. I know that my brother and I turned out to be good, responsible adults, so you obviously did a good job raising us. But keep in mind that you were a new mother 33 years ago, and many things have changed since then. Back then, women smoked and drank through their pregnancies and now we know that's not good for the baby. Well, there have been lots of studies that have revealed lots of things that needed to be changed. Just because you did it a certain way back then does not mean it's okay now or that it's the best way. But perhaps the most important thing I want you to realize is that I am Madi's mother, and I want to do things my way. I may make mistakes along the way, but they're mine to make and learn from. You had your chance to do things the way you wanted to, so let me have mine. You wouldn't like it if your mom was telling you she knew better and wanted to raise YOUR child, would you? Not only would it be frustrating, but wouldn't you feel like she didn't trust you and she didn't feel that you were intelligent enough to make decisions... and wouldn't you feel hurt by that? I meant what I said--if you don't want to do things my way and you feel that you cannot watch my daughter because of it, I will take her somewhere else. I still don't think that's in anyone's best interest, but it's up to you now.

At the end of that, she was still very angry and very resistant so I left that day without really feeling like there was a resolution... but more than a year later, she is still watching my daughter. She still does MANY things that annoy me and are against what I want- but I pick my battles. She now understands that I will not hesitate to pull my daughter out of their house, and no one will be happy about that... so she might as well do most things my way. Sometimes, I send her articles I get online just to remind her that I didn't make up some of the things I've told her... and often the explanations from "the experts" will make sense to her, so she'll finally back down. There are some things I'll never be able to change, but I have learned to cope with those things, knowing that eventually my daughter will be in school and won't have to deal with it anymore... and I remind myself that we're all lucky that Madi can be with her grandparents so often, especially since I never really knew mine (grandfathers both deceased before I was born and grandmothers lived too far away).

Just take a deep breath, and be strong! Hope you found this helpful... Good luck!

I'm sorry but I disagree with the other posters and I'm going to offer you a little "tough love" here.

Your mom doesn't sound like she's trying to make you into a bad mom, or feel bad, or any of that. (Even with the strawberries...ok she called you a bad mom...my own sister still tells me I am an idiot for giving my kids "regular" strawberries, apparently strawberries are the worst non-organic fruit to give since they're so watery and skinless and the bad pesticides suck right into them; my kids are 5 and 7.) So, if you don't care about the strawberries and pesticides (I still give my kids regular ones, clearly they're not THAT bad or the FDA would yank them) then suck it up and don't do the strawberry thing in front of her. You're the one putting this stuff on yourself. She's just trying to do what's best for the little boy she loves.

As for the speech evaluation, who spends the most of your son's waking hours with him? That is the person who is best able to make the call as to whether or not he needs to be evaluated. Your doctor spends 15 minutes with him every so often, so his opinion means squat IMHO. I have a nephew whose pediatrician assured his parents that his speech was perfectly normal for a boy who was the first child. Whatever...he was diagnosed at 2 years 9 months with full blown apraxia (which means "lack of speech.") He qualified for so much early intervention that he was literally thrown into massive amounts of therapy within 10 days of his evaluation...they waved all the usual processing times, etc, and got him into emergency therapy. Six years later he has a lot of issues and is about as understandable as a 3-4 year old. So for goodness sakes do not put your child's future in jeopardy over your pride. Get that baby evaluated immediately and stop worrying about who thought of it; if there is no problem then everyone is at ease and if he needs therapy then he'll get it. Early intervention will come and do it in-home and the therapy is on a sliding scale...after age 3 they have to be in the school system and trust me when I tell you the therapy isn't nearly as frequent nor is it as effective, and you have to take him to the therapy.

It sounds to me like your parents have a true love for your son and they are his full time caregivers. Yes, you are the parent, but every day you drive him over there and they take care of all his needs. They are more than babysitters because they are taking care of THEIR baby's baby. They don't want to upset you but I respect the heck out of them for caring enough about your son to fight for him if they think there are things he needs. You didn't mention that they're telling you how to discipline him, it is mostly health-related stuff.

Finally, if you think you are that right and they are that awful, then I suggest you start him in a full-time daycare. I imagine that not only will you get to pay for similar suggestions about having him evaluated, you'll also quickly realize that Grandma and Grandpa were an incredible Godsend in your child's life. You're not going to be happy with anything until you can spend more time with him and/or get over your guilt that you're not spending that time with him. It is not your parents' fault. Stop being angry at the situation as a whole (that you're not able to stay at home with him, that your parents spend more waking hours with him) and at yourself for not being The Perfect Mom and focus on the wonderful gifts that you have; a beautiful child and wonderful caring parents who are willing to spend their retirement years loving your little boy enough to take him to classes and to stand up to you when they are concerned. It stinks to be wrong, but I'm sorry, I think you are in this situation. And if you truly believe you are not, then cut the cord and put your son in a full time daycare.

Again, I'm really not trying to be mean and I'm not trying to be rude. I am very passionate about children and have watched my sister's heartbreak about being wrong and stubborn and listening to her doctor when there was something VERY wrong with her boy that she missed for almost 3 years. (And I am also the mom of a child who was in early intervention for delayed development from the time she was 2 months old until she was 2 years old. So I have dealt with my own heartbreak.) Get your son evaluated ASAP...please.

Your childcare situation seems ideal with the distressing exception that your mother apparently thinks she is your son's primary guardian. I know discussing sensitive issues with family can be difficult/awkward, especially when you feel indebted to them for helping you so much. BUT, you must make it clear to your mother that YOU and your husband are the ones who determine how your son's life should be handled, not her. She sounds a bit overbearing, but the fact is that you are your son's primary caregiver and that no matter what she feels, YOU and your husband alone know what is best for your son. You could let her know that you welcome/respect her opinions but that ultimately it will be you and your hubby who will be making the decisions and that you will not tolerate her going "behind your back" to do what she thinks is best for him. Her feelings may get a little hurt but she'll get over it. How would she feel if her mother treated her this way? Good luck!!

I agree with the other writers giving you advice - this is ridiculous behavior from your parents. Your child is not going to die if he eats non-organic food. Your child is not going to die if he does not get evaluated. YOU are the parent here and deserve better respect from your mother.

Here's the thing; when you were young it was important not to talk back to your mother and respect her because she was the boss. But think of it this way - you are your child's only defender. There is no one else on this earth who is going to protect your child as well as you can from people trying to control and/or manipulate him. Would you let a person you do not know behave this way? Never! You would stand up and defend your child over this obsessiveness. You would pull the child out of the daycare facility immediately and find someone who wouldn't be so controling of you and your family. So why are you letting your mother treat you this way? You need to stand up to her immediately because this is not appropriate behavior.

She is no longer the boss of you, and in fact, that ends when you become 18. You were emancipated over 13 years ago.

I do believe you can be considerate - you do not have to be mean in exerting your independence of belief in this situation. When she says or does something that upsets you, I'd let her know by vocalizing it. "Mom, you are not the parent here and I really feel confident that my husband and I know what is best in this instance for OUR son." If she fights you on the issue, then take the conversation a step farther. Remember to STAY CALM. Once you start yelling or crying, then it will escalate into an unreasonable conversation.

The next step is to say something like this, "Mom, if you insist on taking our child to the doctor or evaluator without our permission, I will be forced to pull him away from you and find another daycare because I feel this is inappropriate for a care provider - or another relative - to do. How would you feel if your mother had taken me to the doctor at age 2 without your permission?" Always ask how she would feel if her mother would do these things and see how she reacts.

One other thing - - my sisters child had trouble with speech too. There were several reasons why: her children were not read to regularly, her kids were talked to as if they were babies and the parents used "baby talk" and the like with them all the time (you must speak with your children as if they are adults using all the language you would with another adult - from the time they are infants - if you want them to learn good language skills), if the child reached for anything it was always handed to her before she had to say anything. The last was especially detrimental because she learned she did not have to talk to get the things she wanted in life. My point being - how do you and your parents talk with your child?

Maybe your mother feels, because you work full time and go to school in the evenings, that she spends more time with him than you do, and therefore "knows what is best". But that does not give her an excuse for treating you so horribly and with such disrespect.

Perhaps you should bring a print out of all these responses to your Mom and show them to her. She might understand better that way. I think the only way you are going to get over all this is with a confrontation, unfortunately. But sometimes it is worth confronting someone when you are defending your children, don't you think?

Take care,

S

I don't have a lot of time, so I didn't read everyone else's response. Sorry if this is repetitive. I just wanted to say you are doing the right thing. I know it's hard when someone you trust is second guessing you all the time. You are the mother. You get to make the rules. Your mom already raised kids. She needs to remember that she should trust your judgement as she is the one who taught you. I think she has too much control of your family. I'm not sure the best route to take. If it were me, I would find another childcare situation but you may not have that option (I know it's easier said than done).

First off, make a set of rules concerning your child's medical care. You and your husband make the decisions. Grandparents follow your guidelines. If you find that they are going behind your back to do something, they can no longer care for your son. This is important because the more your boy sees you undermined the less likely he is to follow your guidelines over your mom's. Sit down with your husband and make a list of "deal breakers" for your parents. If they break any of those rules, your boy gets a different caregiver.

When your mom turns the tables on you, don't take the bait. Don't justify, argue, discuss or expalin. Tell her it is your decision, that you are the parent. If you feel you can't do this on your own, go into family counseling with your parents. It is common for an adult child to have difficulty changing the relationship with their parents to one of equals rather than parent/child. Your mom has to learn that she is no longer in charge of you.

And if no one else said it, stick by your decision to wait on evaluating your son. And my kids (16 months and 3 years) have eaten lots of regular grocery store strawberries. You're doing a fine job raising your boy. You're trying hard to do everything right. Don't let anyone take away your confidence. A parent is entitled to make decisions for their child for only a short time. Your mom's time is up. Your time is now.

That is a tough situation! However, you are his mother and ultimately have the final say in his care and upbringing. It's fine if they want to offer guidance, etc, but it is not their place to overrule what you and your husband have decided for your son. You need to make this clear to them (obviously in a nice but firm way). Another daycare provider would not be allowed to act this way, and they should not be the exception just because they are family!! I'm sure if you lay down some "clear" rules, things will work out! Good luck!

Call your local school district to see when they have pre-school screening. Tell your mom that you will have your son evaluated when he is old enough (usually 2 yrs, 9 months to start).

Your mother has clearly overstepped her boundaries. Taking him to an eye doctor without your permission? What could she possibly have said to the doctor and staff that allowed them to examine your son without you or your husband being present? This boggles my mind.

Unless you set some boundaries, she's going to always walk all over you and not just where your son is concerned. Don't let her make you feel guilty.

Personally, I would find another caregiver.

First of all who's paying for these classes, visits, evaluations even though they are taking them? If you are then you financially are calling the shots. Basically, unless you are living with them and they are paying for everything which it sounds like you are not, then click your heels and realize you have more power than you think you do. Perhaps mother needs something else to distract her in life, such as a puppy. The woman is way too involved as you know and perhaps she wants to be appreciated for what a wonderful mother she was (maybe has issues because she worked all those years and didn't feel like she was a very adequate mother herself). Who knows. Anyway if you have paid for these things, then call it quits financially. If not then let her indulge the little guy. Eventually you will all be screaming at ball games and music recitals and this will be one more thing of the past.I was absolutely horrified about her taking him to get his eyes checked, on the other hand it doesn't sound like it hurt him. And he's fine. It sounds like she doesn't have any boundaries or has had a hard time giving up being very involved in children's lives. Maybe she needs to be a substitute to keep her foot back in teaching. Perhaps you could casually mention that. Listen you ARE A FABULOUS MOTHER AND SHE CAN GO ON AND ON BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW YOU ARE DOING GREAT. I am just thinking there doesn't need to be some big confrontation, you could just gradually ease him out of her web and let her know you love her at the same time. The economy is tough and if your career plans didn't work out at least you are working and being a mom, not an easy task. And if it wasn't your mother telling you how to do everything it would be some other busybody. I used to find people at the Jewel store telling me what to do. Point is, don't worry, and tell her you've already had whatever it is that needs to be checked, checked. Your mom definitely needs a puppy..

it's tough when its your parent telling you what to do!. Grandma only wants whats best but it definitely is tough when they disregard your wishes. Seriously, an evaluation will not hurt AT ALL and you may even get free speech services. however, I don't think that is what is upsetting you. Talk to Grandma and TRY and explain that you and hubby have discussed and this is your wishes and you are the parents. Try and emphasize you appreciate the concern and you will consider an evaluation in a month or so.

Probably an issue you will have forever... I still argue with my mom (not a fulltime caregiver) about naps, bedtimes, types of food. That I put in place and she doe the opposite because she feels its her right as grandma.

As long as we realize they really do have the childs best interest try not to take offense. She loves your child and tahnk god that these are the type of concerns and not the opposite.....

Good luck keep us posted.

Hi D.,

My mother-in-law treats us in a similar way, although maybe not to the same extent. It can be very frustrating and difficult. To be honest, we sometimes just ignore her. Other times, we try explain ourselves and sometimes, when we're fed up, we say, "Mom, we know you're concerned. We are too. But WE are the parents, not you. We've made our decision and ask that you honor it."

Regarding the evaluation: On the one hand, you don't want your mom to bully you into something you don't want or need. If you're doctor isn't concerned, I think you are completely justified in waiting and requiring that your parents wait. On the other hand, having an evaluation wouldn't harm anything. If your son does not need any intervention, then you've alleviated your moms worries and can get on with life. If your son does need intervention though, it might be helpful to know before the school year starts. It's possible that they will recommend an early childhood preschool/pre-K class (w/speech therapy).

The evaluation is free. If you decide to request an evaluation, just call Child and Family Services, Early Intervention and tell them you are concerned about your sons speech and they will arrange the evaluation and everything.

Congratulations on staying strong. Your mother is way over the line. We both know her intentions are good but he is your child. What my daughter said to me that hit home was, "M., you got your chance to raise us (she and her siblings) now Matt and I want to do it our way." She also threatened to get someone else to take care of him besides me (I have a regular home day care and he comes here with the others) and that just devastated and woke me up because I love him so much and would be so hurt by such a move. Your mother is more controlling than I ever would be, and would never tell my daughter she is a bad mother. Soooooooo. How to deal with M.. Is it possible your husband could be with you when you talk to her today? Who does she defer to, your dad? She obviously doesn't take your Dr. as an expert. "M., you raised me to be the way that I am and now I'm an adult and I have to put my foot down." Do not show her any signs of backing down and explain yourself only once and say "I already answered that question. Can we please have a talk only about Johnny's speech, and not about me and not about you." If she starts to get personal, remind her that the conversation is over, you've said what you have to say and he is your responsibility and not hers. You will just have to do this over and over again in the months ahead. If you don't see her changing the way she treats you, remember, she will instill doubt into your son also. Find another care arrangement to cut down the amount of time she watches him, like 2 days with her and 3 somewhere else. You might want to warn her, that is if she doesn't show change after you stay firm for a month or two, that you will be doing that. If she is very emotional and not sorry for her actions, you must choose between her emotional blackmail and your family's welfare. Clearly you must go with your family. This might be the only issue which will reach her about her control issues. Be sure you say loud and clear that you want very much for her to be a part of your son's life, and she only has to be reasonable. The decision is hers. Good luck.

Sounds like you are in a sticky situation, but the fabulous thing is that you have total control. If you Mom is being overbearing, than stop using her services. Not out of spite, not to limit her time with your son (who she clearly loves) but because you are an adult and are in charge of all the decisions you like. There are many daycares out the that are great (the nicer and better the more they cost) I can guarantee you that none of them will love on your son the way your parents do. The hard part about accepting help is to take responsibility, you cannot have it both ways. Whether the advice comes from your mom or someone you are paying alot of money to, the advice will still come,,,trust me. I have paid many people and even though I don't ask for it or want it, it still comes. Your mom is the child's full time care giver, if you did the math....as scary as it is..... I bet she pays more awake time with him than you do. She know his patterns, his abilities, as well as you. It is out of concern and love for you child that she is pushing the issue. My son did not talk until he was three. He said some single syllable words, but I could count them on my two hands. the amazing thing was that when I had him evaluated at 2.9 and again at 3 they found nothing wrong. He was still on the "normal" scale, all be it at the very end. He is now almost 10, yes he speaks fine. he still has many challenges with larger words, just difficult to form the sounds, is a slow learner, and just as wonderful as any child could be. I was and still am a SAHM, but know that your mom means the best. Work with her, not against her. If the situation is still crappy than hire someone that you can fire at any time. The decision is all up to you.