Problems with Stepson (Long Post)

L.,

I hope you'll take what I'm about to say in the spirit it is intended, and that is to help. I'm a step-parent and have been for a long time, so I know it's not always easy to navigate all of the different factors that go into blended families.

Anyway, to start---Your bf, this child's father, needs to step it up and take a much more active role as a dad.

You spend a lot of time talking about the mom, and from what you've written, there may be some issues. HOWEVER, your bf cannot change her. He can only control his own behavior.

It doesn't sound like your bf's health issues are so severe that he couldn't drive over to the home where his son is living and pick him up so they can spend some time together. It's been way too many weeks since they've been together. Definitely, this texting thing has to stop. He needs to pick up the phone and call his son and talk directly to HIM, not through the mom.

Your bf needs to make every effort AND then some to show this child he will not give up on him and that he loves him. Words aren't enough.

Of course the son is acting out, being surly, and trying to push dad away! He's desperate to know that his dad cares about him and loves him enough to make every effort to have a real father-son relationship with him. Your stepson isn't doing this on purpose. He's obviously confused, feeling alienated from his dad, and doesn't know how to make sense of all this and make it better. And why should he know? He's a kid!

It's up to all of you grown-ups to do that. Encourage your bf to make arrangements to spend more one on one time with his son on a regular basis. Time that is just for them. This boy needs his dad so much, especially at this point where he's soon to be a teenager.

Always make sure he feels welcome when he's with you----not like a guest at dad's house. Take time to really listen to him----even if it hurts your feelings. He needs to know he can talk to you and dad about what he's feeling.

Watch how you "talk" about your stepson. I know (okay, I really hope) that you'd never say "sarcastic spoiled brat" out loud, but if you *think* about him that way, those thoughts will influence your attitude toward him, and people, even kids can pick up on that. I know you're feeling frustrated, but I urge you to change your thinking from "sarcastic, spoiled brat" to hurt, confused, sad boy who desperately needs strong, stable adults in his life.

Is your bf paying his child support regularly? If your stepson needed some school clothes, why would dad respond in the way you wrote (text stating he'd help when he---dad---gets back to work)? Really? You didn't have enough set aside to buy at least a pair of jeans and a shirt? Or was this a way to mess with the ex for taking him back for more child support? I think I'd feel like a low priority if my dad couldn't even find a way to help provide a few pieces of school clothing. How were you taking care of your other family needs? If it's really true that one outfit was completely out of the budget until bf went back to work, then your bf should have sat down with his son (or at the very least called) and explained this.

Your bf and his ex need to learn how to talk to each other in a way that puts their son as the priority. Old grudges and lingering animosity have no place in this equation. Doesn't matter if they don't like each other or would rather avoid each other. For the sake of their son, they must learn to put him first and talk to each other civilly and with his best interests in mind.

You can help by encouraging your bf to do these things: talk directly to his son; spend one on one time with him; talk directly with the ex about issues related to their son; learn how to co-parent with her.

If they can begin to do this on their own, great. If not, don't waste any more time and find a great family therapist who can help all of you through this. It would be most helpful if his ex would participate in this, too, but if not, you and your bf should go with your stepson.

You guys have to get on the same page with respect to co-parenting this child, while he's still a child. You've got just a short time before the teenage years begin, and then, in just a few years, he'll be an adult. Help him grow to be the best young man he can be by being the parents he needs.

Wishing all of you the best.

J. F.

Your bf needs to step up and be a real dad. Put the texting machines away for God sake and pick up a telephone. Texts are so impersonal - it's no wonder the boy feels like his dad doesn't care! And don't put this back on the Stepson. Your bf is the adult; it's his job to suck it up and let the hurt roll off his back and try to maintain a relationship with his son.

I don't blame the SS for wanting to take his mom's last name. That boy sees himself has his mother's protector and the only man that doesn't leave her. Boys are in love with their mothers just like girls are in love with their fathers - it's just the way it is.

You need to talk to your bf about stepping up. Other than that, there is nothing to do - it's all in your bf's court.

I say to stop the texting and your bf needs to pick up the phone and call his son.

I know that you are being taken to task for having an opinion about this child's manipulation and being a sarcastic spoiled brat. I don't actually believe that it's possible to be "super human" and not think of a kid this way when they are. So forget that. If you aren't calling him names and treating him badly, you're fine. You've obviously been a decent stepmother to him for all these years. And mothers with difficult kids who say that they haven't occasionally thought their kids were little jerks aren't being honest with themselves.

I think you've been pretty even-handed here in the blame department. The mom has given him too much leeway, the kid has learned that he can act this way and GET his way, and then when dad got sick and didn't have money, no one pulled this kid aside and told him that life doesn't always work the way we want it to. That mom isn't doing this child any favors with her attitude. All she is doing is training him to think the world owes him, and if they don't give, that he can treat them like dirt. It will be HER turn one day when as a young man, he'll end up having nothing to do with her if she doesn't give him money every month.

You didn't say if the court awarded her with more child support during your husband's work absence.

I would recommend that your husband disable the phone texting. They both need to talk to each other and your boyfriend needs to keep himself from yelling or talking ugly to his son. Regardless of the Monday night couch quarterbacking you're getting about whether your boyfriend was too sick or not too sick or should have or shouldn't have driven over, panic attacks and hospitalization do not mean that he wasn't being a "parent". Obviously those who think that this isn't "sick enough" don't know what a panic attack is. I have a friend who has them and it's so hard for her - it took me two hours holding her hands and hugging her to get her to the point that she could get out of a chair.

A court order works two ways. If the mother is not allowing your boyfriend to see his son because the boy says no, then he needs to make the court force the terms of the order. This boy needs to see that he doesn't get to make the rules for adults around him and the judge should tell him that. The judge should tell the mother to take parenting classes.

Meanwhile, this kid needs some counseling. If he doesn't get it and if he is allowed to continue punishing his father, he's going to grow up to be a miserable and nasty adult. For those who think your boyfriend should be a father, this is the way to do it. Take the mother, who is a poor excuse for a mom, back to court.

Your boyfriend should quit with the texting not only because, as everyone says, he should pick up the phone and really TALK to his son, but also because texting leaves a record. And that doesn't seem like such a good idea if your boyfriend has trouble keeping himself civil in a situation with an ex willing to go to court.

I agree that your stepson is trying to push his dad away to see if he really cares. He's had a lot of people walk out of his life. Your boyfriend needs to remain calm and insist that his son spend time with him. Designate certain days and your boyfriend should show up-go to the house, whatever-even if the stepson says no. I suspect he is saying no to see how far your boyfriend will push it, maybe thinking that your boyfriend doesn't want to spend time with him anyway. I remember this age with myself and it was a hard time. Kids this age are not thinking rationally. Your boyfriend should have a talk with him when things are calm about his health and money problems. When he's too sick to see his son, he can send cards, etc. Just keep showing him that you care. You may not get an immediate response from your stepson, but deep down it will affect him and help him to know that he is loved unconditionally.

Someone needs to be the hero. Maybe you can be the catalyst that gets the ball rolling? A twelve year old may be on the verge of manhood, but is still a child-and in your stepson's case-how in the world is he supposed to sort out all this tumult? I think he and his dad need to spend some time together-like a weekend-dealing with their relationship. Defining their relationship and what it means to be father and son and a family. It's forever-just because the stability is not there, doesn't mean there is an absence of love. All the best.

Oh i know this situation all to well! Been there done that! First off, dont get yourself to involved in this situation, you are just the "girlfriend". Let your BF, the mom and the son figure it out. Encourage your BF to take a more active roll in his son's life and encourage no more texting but actual phone calls. Make sure that you document every single phone call your BF attemped to make and what happened and why. You never know, you may need this in court one day. I realize that your son and your BF son share the same father but he is not your stepson until you get married, which raises my next question. After 8.5 years why have you not gotten married??
Hate to say this but this will probably be an issue for many more years to come, just happens when you have split families like this. Good luck to you and yours.