PTA Mom Down :/

Ok, you need to just say "you know what mom? I chose to stay home with my kids so I could be involved in their lives, which includes having the time to volunteer in the support of their education. This is MY choice, not yours, so if you can't be supportive then let's drop the subject right now." Next time she says something negative, just say "no mom, I don't want to hear it."

I don't know why your mother even cares one way or the other. Your husband's on board with it, so YOU do what's best for your family. It also seems like you are really looking for her approval, as well as the rest of your family. I'm sorry to say it, but if they aren't supportive of you now, they probably never will be. Distance yourself to protect yourself, and focus on your husband and children, and your very important volunteer work!

I'm not involved in my children's PTA. I am the breadwinner, and my husband is a SAHD. I would absolutely love it if he became involved in PTA. I would encourage him all the way.

I don't understand why your mom and brother think it's their business to comment like this. It's not their life, it's yours, and your family's. If your husband is on board, then your mom and bro can just bug off. Not their business.

I think what you're doing is great. I know plenty of other SAHMs (my sister included) who are committed to something else. My sister is a wicked bellydancer, and has just come back from a bellydancing conference. She goes to training (is that the right word?) three evenings a week, and performs many weekends. She goes away for days sometimes. My mom thinks it's great, and so do I, and so does her daughter and her husband.

Forget about the naysayers, it's not their business. Just go ahead and do whatever you like with PTA. Oh, and a good way to deal with them is to smile and nod and say 'oh yes I completely agree with you', and then do whatever you want anyway.

First of all: THANK YOU. Thank you for being a parent who is able and willing to take on so much responsibility for your kids' school. Our schools are constantly asked to do more and more with less and less. Thank goodness for parents like you, who will donate your time to our schools and help plan important, educational events and raise funds for our children. PTA (and school foundations) help supplement so many needs--educational, technological, and artistic--and add so much value to our schools. Your work is important. Thank you.

Second of all: It sounds like your mother and BIL have very traditional views of what a mother can and cannot do. This is hard if you let it be. My mother could not understand how/why my husband and I supported each other through college once we had our daughter. She thought we should both quit and go back "one day..." I feel your pain. What worked for me: being clear with my mother about what MY values and viewpoint is, and then not giving a d*** about whether she agreed or not. She may have grumbled behind my back, but honestly, all that mattered was that my husband was on the same page as me. I don't regret it one bit.

Good luck, Mama!

Research "enmeshment" with your family of origin and how to avoid it . . . as long as you and your husband are on the same page it is none of their d*** business. Stop telling them stuff and looking for their approval.

JMO.

I hope you can hear my loud applause ALL the way over there in California. You deserve applause, not criticism!

Being involved in your kids' schools in any way at all, whether it's PTA, classroom help, organizing an event, just photocopying stuff teachers need copied -- all of it helps the school and helps your family too. You will know far more about how the school really works than will parents who aren't involved. You will know more about what your child really does iin class, and what is missing from the school day that your child needs. You'll be known by the teachers and administrators, and so will your child -- and frankly that is good; your kid will be known as one of those whose parent is involved and interested.

Please don't worry about trying to please or satisfy or justify things to your relatives. Unless they are willing to volunteer at school themselves, they have no idea why you're doing it. Just say, "This is good for my kids and that's the end of the discussion."

Most important of all -- your husband backs you here! Thank him and move forward. If the relatives still carp at you, have HIM tell them that he backs you and doesn't want to hear any more about this!

Thank god for you woman. I absolutely abhor PTA. Someone has to do it. Honestly, we homeschool for a few reasons, but one of the added bonuses is that I don't have to spend time with PTA meetings and volunteering in the class with kids who are awful. I spend a ton of time with my kids and I work outside the home. My husband is a SAHD. I think the PTA is important, but just opposite of you, I hated it.

Your mom is obviously projecting her feelings on to you about her life. Maybe she had goals and someone told her that and she wasn't strong enough to tell them to go F themselves? You need to sit down and talk to her. I am not saying that you need to do what she says. You are an adult. I tell people all of the time, "I'm too old to do things I don't want to do." So are you. If you love the PTA that much, then do it. It's good for the kids to see a strong woman....and it all about supporting the kids.

I'm very involved in helping in the classroom, but not so much PTA. However, my mom was PTA president and very much involved. It is a great organization (not necessarily great politics within the group, but they do good things for schools) and it's wonderful you are willing to step up and contribute to the school and community.

It sounds like your husband is on board, and that's really all that matters. They are his kids too, and of course he should be responsible for watching them. And of course you are allowed to get away for a weekend, even if it's just for fun (PTA conference is more "work" than fun!). This is something that is between you and your husband. It's none of your mom's business.

If I were in this situation, I would stop talking about PTA with mom. Don't give her an opportunity to break you down. If she happens to find out something and starts to offer her criticism, simply say "It is something that's important to me. My husband supports me. It's not something that's up for discussion. What a great new hair cut you have!" (or some other segue into a non-PTA topic!) If she continues, hang up for the phone or leave her presence (matter of factly say "Oops, gotta go, talk to you later.") Once you stop engaging her, she'll back off.

Best wishes!

you enjoy it. your husband is supportive of it.
time to draw some clear boundaries in your relationship with your mother.
why do you need HER to appreciate all your hard work? it sounds like the PTA and your dh do, right?
stop crying, mama, and re-prioritize your relationships.
khairete
S.

I'm guessing this isn't so much about the PTA but about who they think a mom should be. It sounds like they have a very specific idea of a mom's role, and it sounds like they don't think anyone else should ever care for your kids.

I truly believe that the best mom is a healthy person who does the best she can for her family. For some of us, that means we are SAHM's, some of us work outside the home, some of us work at home, some do lots of volunteer work, etc.

My husband's family very much believes in SAHM's to an extreme. I can't tell you the number of times I heard my SIL say (about daycare or preschool), "I didn't have kids so that someone else could raise them). Well, I have always had a part-time job, at least, and went back to work full-time when my youngest was 2 1/2. This was a decision that my husband and I did not take lightly. We spent weeks discussing it (I knew ahead of time the job would be available, so we knew for months before I even applied), talked about the pros and cons, how we would divvy up the household chores, how we would take care of the kids, etc.

I'm very fortunate that my husband and I really decided this together and that he supports me 100%. We are just confident in our decision and know we did what was best for our family.

I would try to nicely say something like, "Thank you for your concern. Bob and I have talked about this, and we have decided that this is what we're going to do," and smile. Hopefully it won't take too long for them to realize that they aren't going to change your mind.

I'm glad to read you're in the PTA and a SAHM, that's a lot of work. I too am in my daughter's school PTA (and will also be secretary next year) and I work full time and have a 2 1/2 year old son. It hasn't been easy to fulfill any of my commitments, this includes our household, but we do the best we can and our constantly prioritizing our next deadline.
It's a bit unclear how your relationship with your mother and brother is other than these comments they have stated in regards to the PTA; I would encourage them to get involved as well. Extended family is welcomed (as long as they pay their dues) and the PTA is always in need of more volunteers. Don't doubt yourself, you have a lot of work ahead of your in school for the benefit of your children. I think as long as your husband holds the fort down, nothing else matters. Maybe see you at next year's convention?

You say exactly what you said here. Just because I am a SAHM does not mean I can't have a life. I happen to enjoy this, it's fun, I've made some good friends who appreciate me and what I am doing. And furthermore hubby is all for it.

My sister went through this when she decided to homeschool. Both my parents are public school teachers. She basically said you can support me or not but I will not listen to your negativity. Now both my sister and I homeschool.

Enjoy your family and dont' tell them what is going on any more. Good for you for joining the PTA. They'll eat their words when you become the president of your PTA. Hold you head high.

Do you live with your mom and BIL? Do they pay your bills? If not, forget them. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. It sounds like your husband is supportive, so count your blessings. You do not owe them any explanation as to the decisions you make in your life. Some people enjoy attacking the happiness of others because they wish they had the motivation to do those types of things.

Don't give up the PTA. You are doing it for your kids. It's good that you want to be plugged into your kids life. When my youngest goes to elementary, I plan on joining the PTA. I think it's great to be active with your kids, not to mention making some memories. Don't worry, you will find lots of support from other PTA members and parents too:)

Ignore those negative nellies!

Why do you let your mother and other family members do this to you? You are letting yourself be trashed by people who have personal agendas which have NOTHING to do with your life. That's right, Mom. Nothing to do with YOUR life! Your mother is not you. Your BIL? Where the heck does he fit in here? What you do is not their business!!

Stop talking to them about anything that they will use to denigrate you. If your mom starts this on the phone, tell her that you are hanging up now, and then do it. She is sowing discord in the family because she wants someone to bully. That someone is YOU. Stop letting her do it. If your family members continue it, stop seeing them for a while and when they balk, tell them why.

If you allow them to treat you like a doormat, they'll just keep treating you like one.

Your husband is just as much of a father to his kids as you are their mother. He needs to be with them too. Forget what these people are saying about him watching the kids, and enjoy your PTA work. Stop doubting yourself. It's ridiculous to allow these people to take away your pride.

If your children grow up seeing you happy and fulfilled, working on a "job" (whether it pays or not), they will be happier kids themselves. Whether your family likes it or not, your girls will most likely need to work when they grow up. They need to see you doing that! Your sons need to see it too, because dimes to dollars, their wives will need to work. It's not an easy economy out there and kids need to grow up thinking in terms of having a career. Who better to show them the importance of working, whether it's a volunteer job with the school, or going to the office!

You are not just a mother - you are an example. Show them that you are a strong woman who will not be bossed around by people who only have negative opinions of you. For heavens sake - stand up for yourself!!

Sending you high fives for "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR~~~"

Dawn

Time to put on your big girl panties lol. It is not about their opinions. It is your children and your doing it for them. Next time don't involve them. Get a babysitter and do what you need to do. In your moms day school was a totally different place and the help from pta was mostly having a bake sale and maybe putting together a potluck dinner. They didn't do all the fundraising and all the help they do now. Forget their opinions and just don't ask for their help with anything connected with it. Just do for your children and know your doing the right thing.

As a former PTO prez and a stay at home mom I am here to tell you that you just have to ignore them. And when they do give you grief about it you got to stand right up to them and tell them how much you are enjoying raising your children and in your estimation you are living the dream. See, I think many people want to look down on parents that are involved in PTO because it is a group that they had at one point felt excluded from for whatever reason-so they have decided that they are going to look down on them. This fuels the animosity and feeds the cattiness about PTO. This coupled with the jealousy that you get to stay home that is masked by belittling YOU is what the real problem is. You are absolutely doing the right thing by being involved in your kid's school and anyone with half a brain cannot deny that. Besides being there and helping the kids I viewed it as a strategic move to meet the entire administration of our school district. I had a seat at the table when important decisions were being made in our district. And I am now a known entity to them and will be heard above many others because of our relationship.

Last advice: You seem like an overly nice person. Nothing wrong with that but in some cases you got to develop your inner "B" Maybe this comes with age and maturity but I have learned to go toe- to- toe with anyone who criticizes me for my decisions-oftentimes ripping to shreds their goal of making ME feel bad for my life. So get a tougher skin-you will be surprised at how good it feels :-)

Some of us just don't have a supportive family no matter what we do! I was criticized as a SAHM as well as a "working" mom (which title actually ticks me off cos I worked way harder as a SAHM than I do in the office)! It used to really bother me until I made a decision - what my parents, siblings and assorted others think of me is THEIR problem! In other words they're entitled to think what they want - my self-esteem doesn't depend on their approval. It seems to me that your hubby is supportive - that's ALL that matters.

It was hard work being on the PTA when my kids were in Primary school but it was SO worth it 'cos they were proud to have Mom involved. My kids are now respectively 19 and 16 years old and I was involved with the PTA until last year.

My strong suggestion is that you keep doing what you're doing. Other people's opinions are just that, other people's! Your children appreciate all you do for them and that's ALL that really matters! God Bless!

Go back to the reason you joined the PTA to begin with: your kids! It is for your kids! That is all that matters. Maybe your mom is feeling bad because she never had the opportunity to do what you are doing? Ignore all of those negative voices and remember the ones that matter. June Cleaver is a fictional character and your mom needs to come to terms with that.

Hi PO5,

I am not in the PTA, but will probably be involved in school functions next year when all my kids are in school and I am free to do so. I am and have been a SAHM for 12 years. SAHM stands for STAY at home mom, not STUCK at home mom. You aren't chained to the house and you shouldn't be.

The very idea that, as women, the children and spouse in our home should be the end all and be all of our exsistence is absolutely ludicrous. Why shouldn't you be allowed to go? What good would it do for you to focus solely on them to the exclusion of yourself? And why shouldn't you be allowed to leave and let your husband fill in the gap? It's a PTO convention, but you know what, even if it wasn't - even if it was a girl weekend, or a trip to see family or even just a night away in a hotel where it's quiet and you lay in a bed you didn't have to make while you eat food you didn't have to prepare and watch a show rated PG 14 - it's still OKAY.

My husband deployed every year for 3 years. The 4th time he deployed was the second time he was in Iraq, and by that time we had moved away from my hometown. When he got back, we spent about a month catching up, building our family, and getting back into a routine. Then he sent me home, ALONE, for 2 weeks. That's right. Two whole weeks. I saw my aunts and uncles, visited my parent's graves, saw my friends, went on a trip with my aunt and all my sister-friends. It was wonderful. I did not feel the least guilty. I can home refreshed and renewed. I came home and was happy to be there and was able to wash the difficulty of the last 6 months off of me.

If your husband is okay with it, then turn a deaf ear to them. Tell them they are happy to visit or call, but if this is to be the topic of discussion not to bother. You don't need their approval or permission. Let THEM know that.

Just another thankless part of the job! Chin up & eye on the prize.

My sister and I are both part of our children's school's organizations but the third just does not understand. It is what it is - many people have this idea of the PTA and think it is a glorified gossip club. Ask your mom what she thinks your PTA does then show her ALL of the things your organization has done this year alone. Then show her the reports that schools with an involved PTA are stronger, better and more improved in every area and if she still does not get it tell her to keep her opinions about the PTA to herself.

You are an adult, and don't need your mom or your brother to validate every decision you make on how your family works. Every family is different and has different needs to create balance for parents and to manage the demands of jobs, children, home, and life. If you have found something you are passionate about, and your husband is able & willing to support it - that's fantastic! The fact that your passion even benefits your children is above & beyond amazing! Your kids will benefit by seeing that women can be civicly engaged, be influences for good, and leaders not just at home but in a public sphere too. And a mom that has some balance is a better mom in general!
Be confident in your choices, your capabilities, and your love for your family! Just because your choices are different than your moms doesn't mean they're wrong - they're just different.

You don't have to agree with your family, and they don't have to agree with you. Realize that they have reasons for what they think and do, but SO DO YOU. You don't have to explain, or get them to change their minds, or wait for their permission before you do anything. Yes, it's difficult when people are saying things that hurt, but just tell them that you don't want to discuss it, and then stop discussing it. Smile and know that you're doing something for all the right reasons.

Hi - I just want to put in my two cents as a work outside of the home mom. We depend on SAHMs like YOU to volunteer for these positions as often we cannot do it. So for that alone, I thank you for all of your efforts! You are awesome and appreciated!
If your husband is ok with your PTA work and watching the kids for two days (last time I checked it was 2012 not 1945...) then your mom/BIL need to respect your family's decisions. I think it's ok that she lets you know maybe ONE TIME that she personally doesn't think it's right, but then she needs to bite her tongue and leave it alone. Please don't let them drag you down. You are doing good work for your kids and for all the other kids whose parents can't take the time to volunteer. I hope this helps you! :)

How wonderful you are doing the PTA. I am on the PTO board at my childrens school and once a month i have to leave work a bit early to go to the meetings but i wouldn't change it for anything. i work full time outside of the house and i make sure i am involved with the kids school. i am blessed to have the support of my family. truth be told your husband and kids support you and that is all that really matters. keep up the good work.

What you're doing is great! You have to be involved in the school to show your children that school is important and to make sure your kids get the best education. I work full time outside the house so I can't be at the school as much as I would like but my husband's job allows him to spend time at the school and he spends more time at home with our son (truthfully he's better at running the house and doing playdates than I am). You don't have to defend yourself to anyone for anything you do. Your husband is supporting you and that's what counts. Your mother is just old fashioned and nothing you say will change that. I work full time and I chose to only have one child - I'm sure your mother wouldn't approve of me either! Keep doing what you need to and feel good about it!! Good luck!

Good grief. Your mom and brother need to understand the word "boundaries".
And I know, because I come from a situation like yours, that it might take some counseling on your part to learn why and how you enforce those boundaries.
It's a huge blessing to be a stay at home mom. And I personally am speaking from experience, that if you aren't homeschooling your kids, the very best thing you can do is be as involved as possible with their school, like you are doing. Not only because it gives you a voice at the school, but because you get to know who your kids are in school with (and which ones to encourage them to avoid), who the other parents are, and it gets you out of the house.
You and your husband are doing a good job, especially if he is willing to take care of the kids while you get away for a night to do something that helps their school and is enjoyable and healthy for you.