Punishments/ADD

I'm going to have to agree with one of the other advices. Chiropractic care is very efficient in solving many problems. (But you need to find one that specializes in childrens care as well as takes adult training.) Also, talk to a homoepathic doctor and get her off gluten and any foods that contain corn syrup and fructose and the dyes such as red dye #4 and so on. I've heard many people have success with organic diets. As previously stated, none of us have a retalin deffiency. The drug is just masking the true problem. If you need to talk to a homeopathic doctor I do know a good one. People have even driven across the country to see him....

Please let me know if you find an answer to this. My daughter supposedly has ADD also (but we haven't done much testing and are not on meds) but she does the same thing. She acts younger than her age (even though she is VERY intelligent) and she lies all the time about everything. I sympathize with you.

M.,

Wow! That is a tough one. First, I would not make food a power struggle. That is not to say that you shouldn't discipline her. I would recommend keeping only healthy foods in the house. If she does sneak food, it will be healthy.

You might also put a lock on the food pantry. This will set up the rules and you won't need to guard the pantry. Finally, I would recommend that every time you find a wrapper that you have her donate to the food pantry or give money to the poor. You might even take her to a soup kitchen to show her how lucky she is.

Kids with ADD do have more emotional problems than others. She could be eating as a way to cope with something. I would also suggest going to see a counselor.

Good luck!

L. :)

i have to be quick, but imho you should get your daughter off those meds (safely, of course!) and into a chiropractor asap! there are a ton of other issues that can manifest as ADD - actually, ADD isn't an illness anyhow - it's a SYMPTOM. those drugs are what's causing her to lie; they are psychotropic mind-altering drugs. every kid that has been involved in a school shooting was on ritalin or something equivalent. ADD might be real, but it's rare, and the psychiatric industry has rewritten the DSM so that almost everyone who's got energy and is RESTRAINED unnaturally without proper amts of recess gets diagnosed. check out this video at brasscheck tv: http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/147.html

i wish you the best of luck with your kids. oh, and PLEASE DON'T PUNISH her for this! She's obviously going through a lot and will respond MUCH BETTER with lots of your LOVE, HUGS & KISSES! Kids will talk to you if they trust you, and "punishing" them is only going to put them over the edge. Positive Discipline works. Of course you can say no, be firm, and set a positive example, but do you just want her to be distracted by invoking her anger, or do you want to earn her trust and find out what's going on. Again, just MHO & what I would do. You have to do what works for you and your family.

Peace!
C. & Baby Atreyu (9 mos & climbing up the stairs already!)

Punishments don't work - they teach children to hate authority and resent it. Stop yelling and start focusing on your own behavior that is tearing your relationships apart. Are snacks as important as love? Are punishments as effective as hugs?

Take it from someone who's mom yelled and screamed and punished and grounded and hit and shamed.... none of it works. All I wanted as a child was for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that I was loved. Never getting that, no punishment mattered. Not being loved and understood was punishment enough - the rest was just noise and pain.

Take her shopping just the two of you. Make sure she has plenty of time with her dad that is just theirs. Let her do things that her younger siblings are too young for - give her some privileges that let her know she is not being treated like a small child. I guarantee that if you can find it in your schedules to make her feel special instead of criminal, she will change radically.

Read: Raising your Spirited Child. It's a great book that helps with children that are often given the diagnosis ADD.

Punishments may not be the way to go with this one. A lot of times with ADHD there are dual diagnosis, another underlying problem. I'm not a dr or psychologist, but I've got an ADHD ODD-oppositional defiance disorder- step-daughter and an ADHD, personality disorder step-son. You might want to talk to the Dr about this if you havn't already and maybe look into obsessive compulsive disorder or ODD. If there is even a hint of ODD, the punishments don't mean much to them. They are both controllable, but the meds with any of these diagnosis, including the ADHD are extremly hard to get regulated. And it's hit and miss trying to find something that works for them. Good luck, and I feel your pain, I really do. Let me know if this helps at all for you.
J.

The hiding food thing does not really sound like a behavior associated with ADD. Unless you TRULY think she is doing it to somehow attract negative attention, I would think a little deeper on that one. She's 12, are they self esteem issues? Weight issues? Depression issues? Sometimes medication can cause people to feel depressed, even kids, who then might turn to food, especially junk food for comfort. Just a thought because the food thing seems weird to me.

As far as the lying and trust issues go, I would try to find a support group if you can. Ask at schools, doctors offices, maybe look on-line. I know that has helped other parents. That way you can have regular dialogue about these issues.

ADD medication can be extremely helpful with school and homework, but it has virtually no effect on maturity level. But many ADD medications do affect appetite, and since they are usually given at times that coincide with mealtimes, they are often not hungry at the approved time, but are hungry when the medication begins to wear off. She is hiding food because she knows she will be hungry later, but won't be allowed food, and she probably really isn't hungry when she says she is not. Maybe an adjustment in mealtimes and snack times would be more appropriate step than punishment. It appears she is being required to lie just to fulfill her own hunger needs. Although ADD children do need structure, they also require a lot of flexiblility to thrive. I also noticed the line about you and her father pushing, and now you are happy, but no mention of her happiness. This is not a trust issue. It seems she is more trustworthy than you think: she trusts her own physical needs and her ability to fulfill them regardless of the chaos it may create. Also, many ADD children are gifted and talented and need to march to the beat of their own drum for any chance of success. Another thought is that many ADD medications are time release so it is difficult to adjust meals, homework etc., but old fashioned Ritalin is effective for 5-6 hours and is completely metabolized. Although there is the added need to take the mediation more frequently during the day, it is much easier to adjust it's effectiveness period against the days schedule. As hard as this may seem, I don't see a problem except that one was created. If you back off of your expectations a little and trust her judgments a little, you may be completely surprised at the person that may emerge. I know I sound a bit harsh, but I am a 44 year ADD mother of a 13 year old ADD talent and gifted daughter. She is thriving and we have a great relationship because I understand her. She would frustrate someone who had the need for intense structure and expectations to no end. My guess is that she is as frustrated as you are, and would be as relieved as you would be with less conflict. Be a parent, but have the faith in her to know herself. She may very well surprise you.

As a mother of a ADD girl and much research I can say that the ADD is a health problem. The hiding and hoarding of food is an emotional problem. Hoarding food is some sort of security blanket for the child. I would suggest a therapist to root out her real problem. It sounds like you really care about your step daughter and have her best interest at heart. I had a foster child like that and it tood so much mor of my time but it was worth it in the end. Good luck and God Bless

Hi M., I understand your frustration with your daughter, I have a 11 year old with ADHD and ODD and to answer your question do they act younger then their age, yes I have seen that most of them do depending on how server the ADD or ADHD really is I was having major problems with my child until I got him on Metadate and that seems to work great for him. But I am also having the problem with the lying but I can add one to that mine has now started stealing from me and his step-dad. When it comes to punishment we give him the same punishments that we would give our 13 year old or our 6 year old depending on what they have done depends on the punishment, I have found they need to be held responsible for what they do regardless of the disabilities, good luck it will start to get better as you find a good medication fit for her that is the key to solving the problems a good medication fit.

We have a 13 year old with ADD also. Hers was also diagnosed with a compulsive/impulsivity aspect. She also doesn't seem to care when punished and definately operates below what would seem to be an appropriate maturity level. She is very emotional and seems angry alot. She also is sneaky and lies to get out of trouble. I think it is a combination of the ADD, hormones, being 13 and being in a mixed family also. She is my biological child, but her younger siblings are from my second marriage and she seems to have a hard time tolerating or having patience with them. We are also frustrated because she refuses to take her medicine and thinks it is "stupid". My husband and I truly believe she would benefit from counseling and that we might try family counseling also to help us all understand her limitations, and also that it doesn't become an "excuse" for bad behavior. We also feel like we start out the day with good intentions of being patient and understanding, but by the end of the day have dissolved to arguing and yelling. As far as punishment we have taken away everything imaginable (including her bedroom door---for slamming it)...I will let you know if the counseling thing happens and how it goes. For now, it is difficult because she also says she will NOT talk to anyone and there is nothing wrong with her. Of course, we try to explain that she is right...there IS nothing 'wrong' with her, but that we all need some help figuring out what will help all of us. I know she does MUCH better when she is involved in some kind of activity. Sports are a great outlet for her. Does your daughter participate in athletics? Our immediate concern is that she is setting a poor example of behavior and how to treat people for the younger ones. Even her older sister is amazed at how defiant she can be. One punishment that seems to get her attention more than others is no phone or friends over. She is very social and that does seem to matter to her. Good luck! It sounds like our situations are very similar....

I would be careful with this. Your step-daughter is hitting her teen years and she could be acting out because of that or it could be more serious. Many times medications for ADD can lead to a change in emotions, etc. It can cause a child to want to eat at certain times and not at others. Which could explain her eating and lying about it. Another thing is that the child could be depressed and that has something to do with the lack of emotion you see in her and it can also have something to do with her eating at certain times. I am not excusing her behavior-she needs to know that certain things are not right. However you need to see if there is something more to it. Especially if this was a drastic change or it has been going on for a long time.

Hi M.,
I do not think that ADD has any affect on maturity development. I think your 13 year old may be lacking for
attention from you and or your husband that is not negative.
It seems that she is eating all the time and in between
dinners to upset you and so that you give her attention when
you find the wrappers or things from the food she ate... she
is getting attention by lying about it and eating it negative attention... but negative attention is better than no attention... maybe she feels like you give all your attention to the other kids... just a suggestion.
maybe her lying is a game.. to get your attention.
Ask her why she eats so much... is she depressed? I have found that if I ignore the bad behavior of my 14 year old who has ODD oppositional defiance disorder, he does not get the thrill of upsetting me and I win... he quits the game and the behavior after a time .... if I ignore it and do not give him any attention when he is misbehaving, and praise him and make a big deal of the positive and good behaviors I see, he does more and more of the good behaviors and less of the bad... any questions, you can write me again.. find out why she is eating so much.... is she gaining a lot of weight.. find other activities for her to do .. sports, or entertainment with friends and one parent go with once a week this will help by having your company especially for her once a week.. the attention wise thing.. or take time for her daily with her homework, her friends , her interests just talk with her once a day on a positive note, not always the negative.. and ignore her eating for a while... also quit buying snacks and pop. then she will eat fruit and her meals have healthier snacks yogurt, fruit and juice handy and granola snacks.. this helps my 14 year old eat less...junk food if it is not around... if you change the type of snacks she can take and sneak, and eat,,,, they will be healthy and less filling, and you wont mind if she eats between meals or just takes them,,, right and the problem will be solved.. it is kind of normal for a teen to eat more snacks... make sure she is not eating out of depression though... if you try the things i have said, let her eat all the fruit and yogurt and ice cream, it will not hurt her dinner... good luck
D.

I have a 19 year old son and a 6 year old daughter that both have ADD. Most of the medications that they have taken suppress their appetite. Usually, they are not hungry when we are ready to eat our meals. The medication hasn't worn off yet. We found that allowing snacks several times a day (like a sandwich before bed) have helped.

I work as a coordinator for a local CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder) support group. The CHADD website is a wonderful resource in helping one understand the disability and find coping skills to assist you. Research does indicate that children with ADHD are somewhat behind others their age as far as maturity goes. That means when we hand a 16 year old the keys to the car, in many ways, it is like handing over the car to a 12 year old (emotionally). Since punishment does not work, why keep trying to come up with more punishment? Have you tried positive ways to address the lying, eating, etc? Kids with ADD hear plenty of negatives but few positives. Research also shows that kids need 5-8 posivite statements to overcome 1 negative one. Try rewarding good behavior, ignoring what you can safely ignore and get some support for yourself. Try to find a local chapter of CHADD. That is also on the website. There are also websites that offer ideas on positve interventions that might help. Google Positive Behavior Supports. Good luck! There is hope!
C. in Iowa

You may want to pick up a copy of "The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child" by Alan Kazdin. The subtitle is "with no pills, no therapy, no contest of wills". It deals with focusing on the behaviors you want instead of punishing the behaviors you don't want.

We've just started the book and have implemented some of the ideas and it's made a big difference already.

Hi M.! I am 68 years old and last year I was diagnosed with ADD! When my son was in 2nd grade he was diagnosed with dyslexia and I now realize that he had/has ADD as well. I don't know much about ADD per se, but I know that I have tried all my life to do the right thing and dropped the ball over and over again. I'm not intentionally inefficient, distracted, forgetful, etc.
Nevertheless that's how I am. What jumped out at me in your request was the line where you said your daughter tries somewhat "but still fails." Most ADDs feel like failures most of the time because the things that are so hard for us seem to be effortless for most people. If I tried to climb Mt Everest and couldn't do it, it wouldn't bother me. But when I intend to write my Christmas thank you notes in a timely manner and then don't do it, I feel like the scum of the earth because ANYBODY can write a quick note. Except me. I start to do it and then I get distracted or realize I forgot to buy stamps or whatever. When my son was a kid I came down especially hard on him when he didn't do his homework, for instance, because I saw my faults in him and I didn't want him to grow up to become a ball-dropper like me. I realize now that we are both doing the best we can given our condition. Sympathy and understanding instead of anger and punishment might or might not have made us function any better, but it would have made us feel less rotten about ourselves, and that would have been invaluable.

My husband and I are completing training classes for adopting older children (our are grown) and in one of the classes the therapist addressed both hording of food and lying. These are common challenges that adoptive parents of children who are developmentally delayed. The therapist's advice may not apply because your daughter's hording and lying may have other causes. However, she did have excellent advice on children's lying and that was that as parents we sometimes put kids in the position of lying. We ask them "Did you..." when we know they did and then they feel compelled to lie and the punishment gets confused in their heads about the original misdeed (which we're trying to get them to stop) and the lying. So if the lying is occurring because you ask about her eating and you know she has eaten extra snacks, you might want to try stating the infraction in the positive (You ate an extra snack) and avoid getting into whether she did or not. Of course this technique works only if you are positive that she took the snack and ate the snack.

Are there other things going on in her life that would cause her to feel insecure or separate from the family and that might cause her to horde the food and sneak extra food?

As to punishments, you might consider punishments that keep her involved with you and her father (helping you with a task) rather than a punishment such as a timeout that separates her from you.

Finally, as a stepmother I can say that this may be a reflection of her role as a "step" child in a family with siblings who are biological children of the mother. Adolescence is always a confusing time and she has the confusion of being different than her siblings ... at least in her mind.

Good luck!

M., I don't so much have advice for you, but can let you know you're not alone in dealing with these behaviors! My 12 year old has ADHD, is also very immature for his age, and often acts younger than his 9 year-old brother. The lying is about simple things that can be disproven in a heartbeat - like that he put his clean clothes way, but they're really still sitting in the basket, now hidden in his closet.

I don't know if the lying is an age thing or an ADHD thing. The not caring about anything is there, too, and I think that has to do more with age than the ADHD. Almost nothing you can possibly do will seem to effect Connor. No tv, no video games? Sure - that's fine. Whatever - don't care.

We just recently got both the boys under the care of a psychiatrist and counselor and we're hoping to gain some insight into what's happening and what we can do to help.

Good luck - I know how hard it is!

M.,

I'm sorry that your 12yo is being difficult despite the medication. One suggestion with meds, have you guys tried a combo of Concerta and Ritalin? That worked best for my daughter, who has ADhD (she is 14 1/2 and now medication free). As far as punishments, it sounds like she needs (and wants) to be held accountable for her actions. At snacktime, have her eat her snack in front of you, and if she says she is not hungry, then don't let her have the package. Keep the snacks locked if you have to. When she starts complaining about it, tell her until you can trust her that is the way it has to be.

Tell her that you want to trust her, but that she is not leaving any opportunities available for you to do so. Some kids, unfortunately, take advantage of their disability. At her age, I think removing privledges are the best punishments (and grounding). And the maturity thing isn't uncommon amongst ADD and ADhD children. I found that when Amanda was off her meds, she would certainly act more childish (as if she couldn't help herself in doing so). Don't let her get away with the lying, especially when you have the proof (like the wrappers). Ask her why she is lying, and what good she thinks will come from it. Sometimes, child counselors are a great resource in overcoming that type of behavior (or even psychologists), when all other home/parenting options are exhausted. Hope this information helps!

B.

My brother has ADD, and as a child, he would do similar things with food. Like, if he was told a box of granola bars belonged to someone else, he would go and eat them all, not just one, but the whole box. For him, it was gluttony and poor boundaries.

You need to rule out any medical or physical issues. Is there a chance she's binging and purging? You say she is allowed 1 snack between each meal; is she eating the "allowed" snack, and still sneaking food?

Did you think of family counsiling. ADD can be very difficult to handle and counciling can be very helpful with finding new ways to approach disipline. There can also be other associated behavior health issues. Just a thought.

I am a mother of 3 boys,14,4 and 2. I study natural healing so I tend to deal with things in natural ways without the harmful effects of drugs. There is alot involved with A.D.D.
symptoms may be caused by diet,allergies,chemical embalance or many other reasons. I believe the best medicine for any problem or illness is food . I have noticed that when children are labeled they use this as a crutch or it may end up defining who they are. There are also alternative treatment options available for children with attention deficit disorder. Making simple changes in diet, sleep, exercise and routine can also help. Even trying more involved approaches like incorporating relaxation therapies such as guided imagery, meditation techniques, or yoga can be beneficial.

There are also many herbal and homeopathic remedies which can help maintain harmony, health and systemic balance in the brain and nervous system, without side effects or sedation. These products are known for their supportive function in maintaining brain, nervous system, circulatory health, and well-being. Let me suggest a couple books on this. I like to go to Amazon.com for books,I looked these up and you can get the first one for just $1.50-used. "The Myth of A.D.D child-50 ways to improve your childs behavior and attention span with out drugs,labels,or coercion." and "Twelve effective ways to help you ADD child/drug free alternatives" These are wonderful books! Look at these symptoms as an embalance that can be balanced with a few changes. The question should not be about punishment,it should be about what you can do to help her and to balance her mind and body. I hope this helps. Feel free to e-mail me with any questions or more info.

i'm not completely 100% but i know when i was her age i went through my last growth spurt & have been the height i am now since...you didnt mention what the allowed snack is? maybe you could offer her more choices at snack time & be sure she is getting a higher proportion of protein at that time. also from your email sounds like she's binging on candy - due to mention of wrappers which is the worst thing for her ADD.. so maybe set up an appt with a nutritionist so she hears how bad this is from someone other than her parents. I've heard and read that a nutritionist would be better for this versus a dietician due to different training. also, teens tend to respond better to a different authority figure.. this is again not expert advise just based on my own growing pains...
good luck, i hope it works out better for you & for her.
smd

I wish I was posting with an answer for you. I'm posting simply as support. My step-son moved in with us when he was 10 and we had the same problem. I grew up Catholic and lying was one of the worst things you could do, so I REALLY had a hard time understanding why he would lie about everything. We'd get on him about doing homework and we'd find unfinished homework everywhere - in his drawers, under his mattress. Things were very rough with him right up until he was 18. We had him enrolled in College and he took off - turns out he went down to where his mother's family lives. I'm not sure what would help - especially since she doesn't care. Our SS didn't care either. We'd take away rights - but looking back, I wonder if more positive parenting would have worked better? No idea - I now have a 3 and 5 year old of my own. I've learned a lot from my SS about parenting - there are many things I'd do differently now - including more positive parenting. Perhaps a book or two would help? Like "Kids are Worth it!" by Barabara Colorosso (sp?) I'm goint to get one of the Love and Logic series I saw posted here once from the library and check out what they say too. Wich I had more for ya - good luck. I know how you feel! I wanted very badly to trust and love him as I do my two now.

M.,
Sounds like there is a lot going on at your house. I'm no expert at ADD, but you might need a technique change. It sounds like you and your husband are constantly pushing your daughter...to study, to eat etc. It might be worth your time to try to evaluate a little and see what you could do to coax her instead of push her. Sometimes changing your stance will throw things off balance enough to make some change.
Her eating behavior and hiding food makes me nervous. Do you think there's a possibility she has an eating disorder? I've heard of kids as young as 8 having trouble with food. It doesn't sound like big punishments for any of this stuff is going to work. She seems beyond getting touched by it. It wouldn't hurt to go to some family counseling with her to help you all do something that works. Doing stuff that doesn't work and doing it harder still doesn't make it work. Good luck with some creative problem solving.

M.,
I have a son with ADHD and I can tell you it is a proven fact that it has an affect on maturity. They do progress, but just at a slower pace than typical children. As far as the lying goes, my husband and I learned something very interesting about this at an ADHD class we went to. The doc made a point of saying don't give them a chance to lie. If you already know the answer to the question, don't ask them in a way that opens the door to a lie. It may sound silly, but it does really make sense. He said it was especially applicable for kids with ADHD and ADD diagnosis. I wouldn't venture a guess about the eating or a possible disorder like others have mentioned. What I do know is that if you don't give her the chance to lie about that, she can't do it and you may be able to end it. Good luck.

I work as a Program Coordinator for people who have a variety of disabilities and/or behavorial problems. One of my clients has ADD, so I have some experience with it. My client is also 13 years old, so very close to your daughter's age.

As for the question about maturity levels, I would not say that people who have ADD are less mature than other people their age who do not have it. It is very common for people with ADD to have a higher IQ than "normal" people.

The biggest thing for you and your husband to do is encourage good behavior. Are you giving your child enough positive reinforcement? I do not necessarily think the lying is related to the ADD. I do think however, your daughter is growing up and she is well aware that she is able to manipulate you. As far as discipline goes, I think it would be wise for you to try some kind of reinforcement with her. If she does not lie throughout the entire day you reward her with something. It doesn't have to be something that costs money or even something that is really "big." It would be a good idea to make it something that she will really enjoy. I do not suggest rewarding her for food or anything like that though. Choose something she really likes (but something that is also reasonable). If you think doing this on a daily basis is too often, maybe do it on a weekly basis. If she does not lie for an entire week, then she could maybe get to spend some extra time doing something she really likes or you could give her something small each week. I don't know if you give allowances, but this would be a good reinforcement. If she doesn't lie all week, she can earn her "allowance" (even if it's just a couple dollars or something). I realize you have another child, so this may be hard to implement. However, if you did this for both children and the older one saw that the younger one was always earning the "reinforcement" she may become envious and try harder to earn her's too.

The most important thing I have learned through working with my client who is behavorial (manipulating, lying, etc) and who has ADD (he has a normal IQ) is that positive reinforcement creates and helps maintain good behavior. It is important to give praise, even for little things. Some kids feed off this, and it is very important for their self-esteem. Make sure you're pointing out the positives that she is doing rather than always focusing on the negative. I would also suggest family counseling and/or personal talk therapy for her. Twelve years old can be a very tough age and talk therapy could be very beneficial for you. She would also probably feel more comfortable if she went through therapy on her own rather than having you or her father there. You could always go into the appointment for the first 5 or 10 minutes and give the counselor a heads up of how she's been doing or write it on paper for the counselor to read so you're not saying it in front of the counselor. If you would like an ideas on places for therapy for children/teens/families I could definitely give you some advice. There is a place I would recommend almost any family to, as I have seen some of the counselors do amazing things with their clients.

Eating disorders are no laughing matter. This girl needs counseling. I too used do the same thing. I have low self esteem and needed that food to feel better about myself. I am overweight and unhappy. I don't want to see your step daughter turn out as poorly as I did... Get her help. NOW!

I'm with the no-punishment crowd here. Some children do well with controlling parents but others resist, rebel and act out in any number of strange ways.

When you say "All my children are allowed 1 snack between each meal per day" I think, "I'm glad my mom didn't pay that much attention." (She didn't have time to!) When you say "if there is another wrapper or food product found there will be great punishment," I worry about your children.

I'm too lenient, no doubt about it, but you may be too strict. Enough other people have commented on ADD and immaturity, I'll only second what they said.

Maybe she is really hungry. That would create a great temptation to eat. Because she is not supposed to eat, she will feel guilty and lie about it. Makes it hard to be good even when you want to, and creates a barrier between you and her. My parents never restricted snacks, but strongly encouraged healthy eating. I'm glad because I'm a grazer and get really hungry way more often than three times a day. I am not overweight and have read and believe that grazing is a healthy way to eat.

My daughter has a diagnosis of ADD and she is immature for her age. She has grown leaps and bounds over the last year regarding this, however she is still behind children her own age regarding maturity. She has been going to a psychologist and we have been doing behavior modification techniques, which have been effective. Now it is at the point of she is struggling with day to day tasks at school, her tests are above the district average and she is involved in the IEP program. I am now on the path of seeking medication for her since she seems to be stuck in a rut and we have tried different things. Punishments do not seem to work, she simply does not care that she doesn't get to watch t.v. or spend time at grandma's house. Time outs with talking about what she did and asking her what she thought she did wrong and what she thinks could help her not do it again have worked best thus far. I have found that children diagnosed with ADD/ADHD are very intelligent and do understand most of the time what they have done wrong and what they can do to change it, however their lack of maturity makes them misunderstood, especially at school and social settings. Most of the children my daughter relates to best are younger than her (her maturity level age), however when she does hang around children her own age, she seems uncomfortable and when with children older than her she seems to watch them and take in their maturity. Try working with the school, such as the teacher(s), counselers to see if they have recommendations. Definately talking with her and working with her will make a huge difference. Good luck and I apologize if I spelled anything wrong!

As a youong girl, I lied to my parents about sneaking treats and food also, and my family didn't even have rules about snacks and we all ate sweet desserts after every meal and still I couldn't stop the hoarding. My parents also went to extremes, like telling the customers on my paper route not to give me treats, and even going to the local stores with pictures of me telling them not to sell me treats or candy. I hated them for it and the constant "groundings" as punishment, nothing worked until I just wasn't interested in doing it anymore. This too shall pass and they will get over their compulsions, even for lying, but the kid needs to know that it's ok to make a mistake, even over and over again, because she seems like she is just lying to cover up what she knew was wrong, thus avoiding "punishment". How about avoiding the whole punishment thing and only rewarding and responding to the wanted and desired behavior from her. I'm no expert just a former wild child who was so difficult as kid for my parents, they litterally tried every parenting technique all to no avail, from fosterhomes and juvenile detention to no rules and letting me figure out life on my own and deal with the consequences alone. Maybe she just feels left out and not a part of family, or just needs more positive attention, my nephew is ADD/ADHD and he lashes out and acts like his 8 year old brother instead of a 12 yr old. OH, and the last thought, you said there will be severe punishment if you find anymore wrappers, you better be real sure the other kids aren't sneaking and leaving and entrapping their older step sis, if you guys are always on her, then what are the other ones getting away with. Study after study from the 1940's on from animals to kids of all age, that punishment does the least to change behavior. It may be a deterent if the person never does the behavior in the first place, but constant punishment doesn't just stop the mouse from getting the cheese, it profoundly changes the personality of the mouse, so it's a slipperly slope, be careful.

The yelling can be a reason for the hiding and deception and lying. The discipline isn't as painful to my kids as the yelling. They will do a lot of avoiding and lying to get around being yelled at.
So, a good way to help not yell is to have set consequences. Everyone knows what it will be, so there is no need to hash things out.
There is a chart called the If/Then Chart. If you do THIS, THEN you will be punished with this. For younger kids you can even use pictures. You decide the behavior that is an issue, and what the consequence will be. Stealing food is theft, and should be dealt with as such. Biblically they would have to pay back the theft 7 times. You may not be that strict, but it is a really effective tool to make them pay when they take more than is fair or allowed. If they are out of money, they have to to extra work that is not typical of chores.
All you will have to do then is say, "Ok, lets look at the chart, you did this and this is the discipline." She knew before she did it what the consequences will be, so you don't need to yell, and she can't complain. If she does, say she chose it, and then have consequences for the arguing it.

I don't know if this is why she is doing it, but I have a nephew that has ADHD and he was on many different drugs. I know there were some that made him very hungry, so maybe putting all your junk food up and only allowing her the option of healthy snacks would make it better if at supper time she didn't feel as hungry you at least know she is getting healthy food when she snacks. My nephew went through very hungry stages and then not so hungry. Not saying this is the only problem you might be facing, but this may be something you could compromise on with her.

M.- My first question to you is What kind of snacks are offered? Or does she eat? If she is eating sugary empty calorie types snacks, then of course she is never going to feel full. Is it possible, given her age (pre teen, her hormones maybe starting to kick in also) that she's just hungry? It could be a combination of multiple things. Speak to her doctor. The hiding food, lying & the "I don't care" attitude, really, this kid is screaming for your attention. Maybe consider counseling for her & the whole family or a support group for yourselves. There are alot of parent's going through the same thing.

M.: first of all lieing is never accepted at 8 or at 12, or even if someone is acting younger, lieing only causes distrust, and even if she is acting younger, she should still not be allowed to lie, let her know if she needs more she dont need to hide it, she may just have a sweet tooth or quit buying stuff she can take, or get stuff that she can take like apples or good stuff, i would not mind the acting younger issue, or the snack issue, but lieing is not a thing that should be tollerated, if she wants a snack apparently she needs to eat it at the table, and be given it to her, instead of her taking it,? i dont know, let her know about bugs coming in the house, with food wrappers laying around, let her know she can have snacks if she dont lie about them etc, i dont know i hope it helps, D. s

One thing that I found to be a good punishment as my kids got older was to have them go to bed 15 minutes early every time they got in trouble that day. At the age of 12 they hate going to bed early! If bed time is 9:00 and she gets busted 2 times that day it becomes 8:30. Tell her ahead of time that SHE has the control. If she doesn't want to go to bed early then she needs to think about what she is doing and do not lie or whatever. Within a few days I saw improvements in my children's behavior.

Now that I have read other responses I have to add to mine. I have an adopted daughter that is almost nine. She has ADD and reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and now possibly a mood disorder. I will tell you we have tried EVERYTHING. We go to weekly therapy. That does help A LOT. When you pick a therapist make sure you have the same views on things. We had one therapist that would just say, "she can't help it" and give her excuses like that in front of her. The therapist we have now I LOVE. She has the same thoughts as we do. We understand her issues, but the world isn't going to stop and let her have things her way because she can't help it. It is hard, let's work together to help her and teach her. That way she will be able to have a job one day without getting fired because "she can't help it".

We have tried positive enforcements with her and they do NOT work. Her thoughts are (and she has said this in therapy) it is more fun to be bad and I don't really care if I get that, I have a birthday coming or Mom and Dad will do something nice another time. I just want to do what I want. For her it has to be a negative response. You have to find what works for YOUR child. It is great to get advise from people and try what they suggest, but you have to find what works for you. At first the consequence that worked best was to treat her the age she acted. She really would strive to do more mature things because she got to do more mature things. I like to put the control in their court. Lying is one of my worst behaviors. We talk about the lie after it happens. I make sure she knows that IF she would have told the truth she would have probably just gotten a lecture, but since YOU DECIDED to lie to me now you will go one day with no electronics. She HATES that right now. That is nothing that uses batteries or has to be plugged in. The next day is a new day, we start over. She doesn't lie very much any more because she has learned that it is better to just tell the truth.

Honestly, I do agree that positive enforcement can be great, but it isn't always the answer. You have to find what works. I do agree though that there may be other issues.

I have raised my own 2 girls that are 18 and 15 now and then adopted a 8 and 5 year old. If the 8 year old was my first kid, I think I would go crazy. I am glad I have been through some of this before. My older girls didn't have any issues and that makes a huge difference. I really feel for my 8 year old daughter. She has had such a hard life in her short years. That doesn't mean that she can use any of it as an excuse. Work together to figure it out and learn how to make it right so that her life as an adult has a higher quality.