I have a very good friend who is diagnosed as bipolar. She has also dealt with addiction issues over the years (alcohol and painkillers and smoking). A few years ago she quit smoking and in the last two years she has been going to AA and really getting back on track and doing well. She was sober for over a year when her mom passed away last fall. Long story short, between her struggle with depression and addiction and the stress of the holidays she slipped back into everything and eventually had to go to inpatient rehabilitation at the start of this year. She has three children who are all doing remarkably well. Her husband, who was previously inconsistently supportive, has really stepped up and started playing a more active role in their day-to-day (she is a SAHM). But overall she has been focusing on getting well and is still in therapy and has been going back to AA (good for her!)
My daughter is very good friends with her daughter (both in 6th grade) and as a result of everything going on, sometimes plans are cancelled last minute or not made at all when they said they would which frustrates my daughter b/c she blames her friend. I try to explain to her that they have a lot of things going on and that sometimes things are out of her friend's control. I try to help as much as I can (offer to have friend over here, take her places, etc.) but it doesn't always work out just b/c we have things going on too!
Additionally, there is a girl in my daughter's scout troop who's mother has similar issues but with more health complications. While they are not as good as friends this girl does not seem as well adjusted (understandably) and my daughter gets frustrated when this girl does not do her share in group activities. Again, I try to explain that she (my daughter) needs to worry about herself and how she can help but this is an age where they worry a lot more about what others are doing, you know?
So my question is this...am I on the right track for keeping things somewhat generic? I don't think she needs to know anything about her friend's mom having these issues of depression, addiction, etc. I think it would completely change their relationship and really just more than she needs to worry about at this age. I trust my friend and know she is doing what she needs to get well but that it will take time. Any advice on how to help my daughter understand and be patient too other than what I'm already doing? Thanks for your help!
I honestly think she's at a great age that you can use this as an example for why you stay away from alcohol and drugs. She may be much more simpathetic to her friends as well realizing there is more going on than is seen by everyone.
This is actually a great opportunity for you to open a dialogue with your daughter about mental health. You don't need to go into the addiction piece because that's a little much for her age, but depression and it's impact on a family are absolutely appropriate.
Your daughter's relationship with her friends is being damaged by the symptoms... what she's seeing and experiencing are the tertiary symptoms of mental health disorders in families (think... "three steps removed" with the patient being step 1, the daughter step 2 and your daughter step 3).
"Jenny, I know that you are upset because Susie can't come over today and I think you are old enough to know what is going on. Susie's mother has a medical disorder called depression. Depression is not something that you can catch, but it is something that makes her mother very sad and sleepy. There are some days when she feels OK and there are some days when she is not OK. On the bad days, Susie needs to help her father around the house and can't come over here. Do you have any questions?"
Then see what she says. I have found that in working with adolescents, giving them the facts, but not too much information is far more productive and helpful than continually glossing over the issue. She knows that something is wrong and she is old enough to know a little of what is going on.
I think you can explain to your daughter more than you think you can, and she can probably understand more than you are giving her credit for. I would let your daughter know that her friend's mom and the other girl's mom is struggling with mental illness. While this does not make her a bad person, and it is not a reason to tease or shun her friend, she needs to understand that it does affect her ability to function day-to-day and sometimes plans have to be postponed. I would let her know it's really, in some ways, no different than if her mom had an ailment like MS, or RA, or was on chemo, and therefore she needs to try to be a little more understanding and compassionate toward her friend, rather than taking it personally. A friend that I am guess could really use some support right now. This would be a good learning opportunity for your daughter to understand what sometimes being a really good friend is all about - being there for them when times are tough rather than turning away.
I think you are doing a great job and should just keep things "generic" the way you have. It is too much information for your daughter and truthfully it's none of her business.
Your daughter just needs to accept that sometimes these things happen. It is a good life lesson.
In my opinion, you absolutely are on the right track. Bipolar disorder is an extremely complex and lifelong illness. For the vast majority diagnosed with bipolar, it takes a lifetime of therapy, education, medicine, but most of all support & understanding from both family and friends to maintain a productive and balanced way of life.
I'm not a doctor, but speak from personal experience as I grew up in a household with a bipolar mother. Before she was diagnosed, she struggled with the same coping mechanisms that your friend has. My mother self medicated with both drugs & alcohol for many years, but it was not until she she was treated with the correct medicine that she was able to stay sober. I hope that your friend and her family have explored this as an option.
There is still a huge misconception when it comes to mental illness and as much as we want to believe otherwise, it is an extremely underfunded & little understood area in the health care industry. To my mother and many others, her medicine is her like insulin is to diabetic. It must be taken to keep the body balanced. I've found that analogy to be the easiest way to explain bipolar it to people that are not familiar with the illness, children included.
As a mother, you know what is best for daughter, but children understand a lot more than we mom's give them credit for. Are you afraid that telling your daughter about the illness of her friend's mother would change her opinion of her friend? It very may do just that, but not necessarily in a negative way. Maybe it will give her the insight that she needs to be patient and supportive, rather than being frustrated because she doesn't understand what is going on.
Bipolar disorder at times can be as hard on the family as it is on the person with the illness. Your friend's family will need a lot of support as well and it is wonderful that they have someone like you and your daughter to help them along the way. Patience & understanding are key!
I haven't read other people's responses but I think you brushing over it and telling her over and over that it is nothing is invalidating her instincts that indeed there is something off about this. She is learning from you not to trust herself and what she is perceiving. You obviously can not tell her things that she can not handle but I would say You are right. There is something wrong and some people have problems that make it difficult for them to function or handle things on a day to day basis. It is not your friends fault that her mom is not able to make this all happen. That way she does not feel crazy herself but you are validating what she obviously is picking up on.
My son is 10 and he knows the basics about drugs and addiction.
I think it's time for a chat about the disease of addiction with your daughter.
AA/NA is for life. You don't stop being an addict. You'll know things are going well when your girl's mom is attending and doing the work to stay well.
Would you explain if these friends moms had cancer?
Think of it in the same way.
Also relapse is a common, to be expected part of the disease. Not unusual at all & I'm sure you'll see it more times than this. The important thing is that she returns to sobriety every time. Good luck!
I think, if possible, you should ask for your friend's input. You don't want to tell your daugther things that her friend doesn't know about her own mom, but if this mom has been open with her children about what she's going through, you can give your own daughter an age-appropriate version. It might be nice for your daughter's friend to be able to have a peer who she can talk to about this. If your friend had a medical issue such as cancer or chronic physical illness, people would probably know. To not discuss mental health and addiction makes it taboo. Again you want to be discreet and not violate your friend's privacy or have your child know more than her own, but if she's open with her kids, you can be too. Twelve is certainly old enough to understand addiction and mental illness. Heck at her age it's only a matter of time before some of her peers are dealing with the same things themselves. My older kids know two kids who were hospitalized for mental health issues in middle school. It's more common and happens younger than you think.
I guess in my world it's a little different because one of my brothers was an addict (he died a little over a year ago from an overdose) and we have many family members who are successfully living with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety (as well as ADHD, learning disabilities and Asperger's) so my kids know that these kinds of problems can affect anyone and that there is support and treatment for them and that when they are handled well, life goes on.
If your friend definitely is against you telling your daughter anything and hasn't told her own kids what's going on (which seems unlikely given the level of treatment that she requires) then I think that you can just continue to encourage your daugther to recognize that her friend's family is dealing with some private health issues, those issues cause a lot of stress, and being a good friend sometimes means just rolling with the punches and accepting that things don't always go our way, and to be grateful that right now, no one in your family has to go to regular appointments or spend time in the hospital or is dealing with health issues of any sort.
