Question About My Daughter's Bilogical Father

I have two Dads. My biological father was off and on in the picture. sometimes years at a time in between visits. The second man my mother married was a father to me from day one. I personally think you can never have too much love. I know it will be hard to invite these people into your life, but if there is anyway you can, please try for your daughter's sake. My biological father and I now have a great relationship and it did not hurt my relationship with my step dad at all.

Dear F.,

I think that one of the biggest reasons God wants us to forgive others is because He knows that not forgiving is harmful to us. Unforgiveness is poison to us - anger & bitterness which hardens us and steals our joy. So, forgiving your daughter's biological father has more to do with your heart - whether you have a self-righteous attitude against him, bitterness, anger, etc... or whether you've been able to step back and say, "wow, I'm a regular person, too, who has messed up a ton - I will not hold these things against him, as I wouldn't want people to hold things against me."

Forgiving him is a separate issue, though, from having WISDOM about what his role should be in your daughter's life (or yours). Your role is to protect your daughter. If he has been flakey in the past, you need to consider that and protect your daughter from being hurt. I'm sure the details of past history are complicated - have you considered sitting down with a professional to figure out how to best handle things for your daughter? There is an excellent church in your area and they offer counseling. Check out their website - http://www.oakhillschurchsa.org/ (Click "Ministries" for counseling). I also encourage you to go check out the church, as you need support right now, especially with your husband's struggles that you wrote about previously.

Also, I found some thoughts on forgiveness here - http://www.maxlucado.com/pdf/2ndChance.pdf

I pray that you are led to the answers you're looking for! Those are tough questions!

Blessings,
R.

Supporting you as you nurture your family.
www.NurturedFamily.com

I think its very bad to allow a father to continue to walk in and out of a child's life like a revolving door, this is not healthy im sorry. I have seen the effects of this type of behavior in my friend's kids, they are very troubled kids, she has allowed their father to walk in and out, make false promises to them breaking their hearts. Her son is a very angry child and her daughter is starting to act out. I told her long ago she needs to nip it b/f it gets out of hand now she dont know what to do. My son's father tried to walk in and out of his life and I hired an attorney and got sole custody, he pays child support when he wants and doesnt even call my son. Yes my son ask for his father, I have no contact info on him and he want give me his number so what does that say about him as a father. We used to live about 5min from each other for about 6yrs and he saw his son maybe 4 times in 6yrs. He had my number, and address and I gave him ample time to form a relationship. So now I have taken charge and call the shots, I am in the process of having his rights terminated b/c hes not doing what he needs to do as a father. We shouldnt have to force a man to have a meaningful relationship with his child. And F. if your daughter knows your DH as father then that is her father case closed!!!!
If she has a meaningful relationship with him dont disrupt her life just to accomendate her bio father, thats bull.
Yes you need to forgive her bio father, but dont forget. Do what you feel your heart is telling you.
Think about you daughter, she will grow up and understand why you did what you did.
Youre duty is to protect your daughter until shes at a age where she can understand. Once my son turns about 12-13yr if he wants to see his father then I will let him go and visit with him, but until then no.....
I make sure my son has pics of his father and I never bad talk his father, I do tell him that his father loves him but that daddy is dealing with somethings right now.
Its about how you handle the situation, you can do it positive and be negative about it.

As for the grandparents, you should set limits. Let them know how you feel and why. Maybe ask your DH if its ok for them to come to your house to visit her, or maybe you take her to their house for a supervised visit. You have to remember those are her bio father's parents you never know if theres motive for them wanting to see her. Just be careful!!!
Im also a crim major and I would suggest you get the handbook for your state on Penal laws/grandparent rights. This is a must have book and very informative.
Good Luck

F.,
I can respond to you from both sides. I am a daughter from divorce and my daughter has never met her father.....

When I was a child, I was the one that was the adult. My mom would tell me pack your bags it's time to so see your dad. I would sit on the front porch and wait and wait and wait and nothing. I hated my mom for that. I hated her for divorcing my father and so on. (lots more here but I will end it here.).

I met my daughters father and he was GREAT! We acutally broke up 2 weeks before I knew I was preg. I talked with him and he said I would never go through it alone, well I did, till that jan. In April she was born and he moved in. He cheated , lied and oh so much more. He left and I heard nothing for a year. Then I met him up at his house and things seemed to be great. My daughters attitude started to change, she cried all the time, she never listened to me and so on. I noticed that while I was happy he had come back in the picture, she never asked about him and she was fine how things were, why did I force this on her? Well long story short, he disappeared again and I am now married and he is the daddy to her and i wouldn't have it any other way. Again, on another note, my mom leaving my dad was the best thing ever. I have a father now that loves me and takes care of me and when i was younger did the same. I wouldn't take that back either. Don't force this on your daughter. if things are good now, let it be. When she asks about him don't lie, tell the truth, even if the truth is painful. As for the grandparents, no matter what happened with you and their son, if they really really really wanted to be around they would.

You do have to forgive in order to be forgiven. You will always remember but you have to forgive. It's very hard to do that but once you do, things in your live become more clear and better than ever before.

Hope this helps.

Wow, your story sounds a lot like mine!! In the long run, you did the best thing for your daughter in saving her a lot of disappointment and heartache. My ex was in and out of my son's life for the first few years. I was very accomodating and made it very easy to see my son. With all that, he would still not show up at times. I finally just stopped telling my son when he was coming, in case he did not show. He paid child support sparatically even with it being withdrawn from his paycheck. As time went by and he saw I was moving on, he began to distance himself from my son and when he did have him, he was neglectful. My decision was to tell him he could see my son, but never again alone and never overnight-knowing he is an all or nothing kind of guy and it would not be long that he would exclude himself from my son's life. My husband has been a father to my son since he was about 2 years old and becuase of that, my son saw the differences between a good father and a bad one. He loves his natural father, but he is just fine not having him around anymore! Needless to say, my ex approached us about him relinquishing his rights, to which we gladly accepted! We are in the final stages of my husband adopting my son. My main motivation (and I would consider this of I were you) was that if something happened to me, I did not want my ex to have the right to take my son from the only father he really knows and loves! You can't make someone be a good parent! As far as the grandparents, I tried that as well and succeeded for a long time! I made it clear that because my ex was not an active part of my son's life, I did not want his mother speaking to my child about his father or the situation-and to make sure that happened, I never left her alone with him. Because she wanted a relationship with her grandson, she accepted and understood my terms. Now, her son is living back at home with her and I cannot risk my son's well being, so I have told her that for now ties are cut! My ex has flat out said that his intention is to reflect all blame from himself and on to me. I know that because I have been the ONLY constant in my son's life, that will not be successful, but it does not make me any less protective. Good Luck!

Hi F., This is a serious situation and I personally would seek professional advise from a Christian counselor. I don't know if you and your family attend church, but there are counselors at churches who will see people for free if they are members or charge a fee for non members. I strongly advise you to seek this out. I feel for you deeply. About the forgiveness thing....YES, you should forgive your ex. It doesn't mean you will forget. Just exercise your caution and pray for him...pray for yourself as well. Have you seen the movie Passion? If not, rent it or buy it. You will see and know what forgiveness is about after this movie. I am a Christian and when it comes to our livelihood, we can't mess around. These are very hard calls for you to make and it affects many people around you. We all need to do the right thing regardless of how we feel. Always do the right thing in God's eyes. If you believe, God will move your mountain. You are doing the right thing by reaching out. Thank you for sharing your story. Please go and get advise from a Christian counselor. Start attending church. I think you will find this will also help your other situation with the beer drinking. I will pray for you! Happy Day! Deborah

Forgiveness is about you. It's not about anybody else on this earth. You choose to forgive as a way to make peace with yourself about an issue. You choose to forgive as a way to have clarity in your mind. You can choose to forgive as a way to seek favor with God, but if it's not what your heart truly wants, then you're not doing God any favors. It matters what this man did in the past, but the past is over. You can't change it. If you want to constantly be bogged down by the past and feel that weight on your shoulders, then forgiveness isn't for you yet. You'll never forget. But you can lessen the sting from the memories. You can do that with counseling and praying, but forgiveness comes first. We don't know what the circumstances are surrounding your past with your ex or his family. We can try our best to give you unbiased information, but obviously it will be skewed towards your favor since we sympathize with your story. That being said, you should consider what's in the divorce decree. You must realize that child support and visitation are two separate issues. If you live in Texas, the grandparents do have rights, but they would have to seek the court's help to exercise those rights. Your daughter is 8 years old. She's too young to bother with all the details of how bad of a father he is/was. You want to protect her, and you should, but you don't want to completely shelter her because life isn't going to be as kind when she's older. You can state your case and say, "well, he has mentioned wanting to see you, but his schedule hasn't quite allowed it." If you do not play the role of the parent trying to sabbotage the relationship of the other parent and do not talk badly about the other parent, you will be able to rest easy and know your daughter will not blame or resent you for keeping her from knowing him. You can ask her if she wants to meet him upon his next request, and see what she says. She may be scared. This will be a stranger to her. I wouldn't let him have unsupervised visitation. Maybe meet at the mall or at a park. You don't want to cause undue anxiety in your daughter. If the grandparents aren't activey seeking visitation, then I wouldn't worry about them. That will follow the natural progression of visitation with the bio-dad. You have a right to be cautious as well you should. I'd consider counseling for your daughter if visitations with this stranger are to take place. If you're going to have to pay for counseling, you might as well seek a licensed professional, Christian if you prefer, as they are held to legal standards that ministers and pastors are not. If you belong to a church, free services with a trusted minister could be very useful as well. Good luck.

www.prepaidlegal.com/info/hardy_m
is a great place for legal advice

As a mother, I always do what I think is right for my children, but it may not always be the right thing to do. If you don't have any fears that these people (the grandparents and the father) would harm your child, then now is the time to let go of the past and let them have their chance to know her while they can. I just went through a nasty custody battle with my ex over our daughter and have now decided that the best thing for her would be just to get along with him. I think you are on the right track as far as thinking about forgiving her father, and it just might bring you peace of mind.

Dear Flo-

I too am in this situation only different is I am NOT married NOR do I have a man in our lives. My 2 year olds (31 months) biological contributor (we were just dating; marriage was not an option just wanted him in her life) and there is NO other word for him as he has NOT seen our daughter since she was 10 months old and that was ONLY because I took her to see him all three times; he NEVER has contributed to her support or anything else and only lives 5 minutes from her daycare. I do have contact with his sister and send pictures and write e-mails to her; would take my youngest to see her and play with her cousin who is one (1) but they live in California. Kinda hard, huh?

You are very lucky to have found a man who loves your daughter as his own. There are very few men who would and if his family also accepts her you should count your lucky stars.

But if her grandparents from her biological dad wanted and still wants to see her then you need to let them. They shouldn't pay for their sons STUPIDITY. Just make sure he isn't there when she is.

I also have a 17 year old daughter and have been divorced from her dad for 18 years and I never ONCE denied him or his parents her. I did this because I knew what it was like to have a biological contributor who was a JERK by coming into my life when it was convenient for him. I was VERY lucky that my Mom married a WONDERFUL man who I call my Daddy (disowned my real dad and changed last name) and is the only Grandpa my children know.

I believe that if and when your daughter is old enough she will make the choice to see her father and find out the true story. I do know one thing for sure, NEVER say anything negative about him that way you he can never say that you are the reason he didn't see her.

I would also look into a church or even a counselor, as some of the other moms have suggested. I am Happy with my life the way it is and trust that the Lord will do what is best for us. I do pray daily for guidance, but my daughter has a LOT of people who love her, unfortunately not her dad because he is letting his pride get in the way.

I hope that you find the answer you are looking for and should you every want to talk, please do not hesitate to type.

Bless You and Yours,
G.

I left my son's father when he was almost 1 yr old. He was abusive. I remarried and my hubby at the time was a good father. My son's father however was and is very much like yours. I was still very close to his family. He remarried and had more kids. For years my son only heard from his grandmother an empty promises from his father, which hurt him very much. He would promise to call or write or come see him and never would. I tried everything in my power to get him to pay attention to his own son along with his mother and wife. Nothing worked. When my son was 11 he was going through alot of emotional baggage caused by his real father, what triggered it was when my son called him on the phone and told his father how it made him feel that he didn't keep in contact with him and his father said to him

" If you want to stay in contact with me you will have to be the one to call and write and come see me I will not otherwise"

This needless to say devestated my son. his grades dropped and was really depressed and acting out. I ended up going to see child expert for his depression. We placed my son in a mental hospital for 2 weeks. Was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. There he learned how to deal with his emotions in group and also he was able to see that there were other kids his age going through similar problems and alot more kids that had worse problems then his.

After that experience he was a changed boy. Thank god I did the right thing for him. He to this day stays in contact with his grandmother and she loves him so much. But he does not have anything to do with his real father and has broken that emotional demon.

I guess my point is. Let his family have contact with your child. When he tries to make contact keep it to yourself until he can be trusted enough to follow though with seein her an what she doesn't know really will protect her from him hurting her.

Hi. I can only speak from personal experience. Just a little background about me. I am 29 years old and happily married. My mother never married my father. As a matter of fact, when I was borned my mother told my biological father that I was not his and that I was her soon to be husband's child. To this day, I really believe that initially she did not know. But when they (her and her husband) found out that I was not his, my stepdad would not allow me to see my biological dad because he became attached to me and did not want to lose me and he did not want conflict in their marriage. Ok fine...they were young and they made their decision. I know that the details above do not perfectly match your scenario but I had to give you my background so that you would have a clear picture. So time went on and my dad and his mother continously made attempts to see me, they even sent clothes for school and gifts at Christmas(all of which I did not find out until I was in middle school and my mother divorced my stepdad and my maternal grandmother finally revealed everything). Long story short, at age 14, I was finally allowed to be with my biological dad and that side of my family. I felt so alienated. Don't get me wrong they spoiled me and loved me too death. But by this time my dad had had two other children 5 and 2 and they did not know me at all. My cousins were kind of stand offish for a while....Although I was enjoying the attention that my new found family (the adults) were giving me I still felt resentment for my mother for not allowing me to grow up with all of them. My dad's mother died only 3 years after I was introduced to her and it hurted me like nothing ever had because again I felt robbed again of not being able to grow up with someone so precious. Don't get me wrong my mother's mother has me spoiled rotten to this day.lol. But it was just painful. My dad even now makes sure to go out of his way to make me feel apart of the family...15 years later because the absence of being with them the first half of my life made a difference. Please know that I understand wholeheartedly what you are attempting to do with protecting your baby. I had to open my eyes and understanding with my daughter's father. You can never force a man to be a father or a daddy. But it is your part as the mother to do just that...your part. Ask God to first forgive you and to teach you to forgive. Do your best if not to reach out to her father, reach out to his parents...they deserve to be apart of her live. In closing just remember that sometimes the same things we attempt to protect our children from can be the same things that are weapons against us in the end. When she gets old trust me no matter what you do or say, she will know and make her own decisions concerning the situation. But in the meantime you have to take the steps to let go and let God. Once you place it in God's hand...don't be stubborn when He starts to make provisions.
Wishing you the very best!
N.

If you hold on to negative emotion by being upset at your ex for those things he should or shouldn't have done it is only affecting yourself and your family. Neither of you can change what happened in the past, whether you consider it forgiving or just letting go. That doesn't mean that he just gets a clean slate... if he reappears he should have to prove himself to some degree, just give him an honest chance to do so.

As for his parents, they are not their son and your daughter could potentially have a relationship with them that is completely separate from her dad. You could explain to them what your concerns were and why you have not fostered a relationship. Depending on their response and your comfort level you can decide where to go from there.

You can't change the decisions that either you or her father have made previously. Perhaps he didn't pursue seeing her because he didn't want to be disappointed if you didn't follow through. Perhaps he wanted to be in a more stable financial or living position before he initiated a relationship. If he is not contacting you right now then you can wait until he does. If he is not asking to see her and she is not asking questions you don't need to open a can of worms. Your daughter will get angry and upset about the situation when she is older if you don't address any questions about her dad as she grows older, especially if you decide to allow a relationship with her biological grandparents. One day she needs the answers and how you approach that with her will make all the difference in your adult relationship. If he or his parents are not contacting her now but have expressed an interest you can be pretty sure they will do it when she is of age and on her own.

Best of luck

Who cares what the "law says....dead-beat-dad doesn't have any rites to anything in a mothers eyes. As your child grows up and becomes "aware", it will only be confusing and hurtful if he does the dissappearing act. You are an excellent mom and your hubby, and excellent father. Why disrupt your childs happiness and stabilty so this guy can satisfy his curiosity and "play house"? When she is older and can understand what is going on, it will be on him to explain it to her when he doesn't show up. At this point, you will have to be the bearer of bad news and he will just get to hide out. A teenager can handle the truth and can make their own assumptions of what is really going on.
You are doing the right thing by protecting her feelings and HEART! ;)

I experienced the exact same thoughts as you...what happens when the time comes that my daughter has contact with him at an age where I can no longer make decisions for her and he lies to her and tells her I kept her away from him?

So I asked her what she wanted to do and explained that he had let her down (due to his illness - alcholism) before so there could be a chance that he could do it again - however we were going to give him a chance, so she could make up her own mind up which is what she wanted.

He came back into her life, I allowed supervised visits over a period of about 2 months with myself until unfortunately he let her down AGAIN...she dealt with it all very well and said to me mum I don't want to see him, he's not like us and that was 1 year ago. I have always spoken honestly and openly with my daughter about her father (without bad mouthing him yet being honest) and she eventually decided she didn't want anything to do with him, this was her choice, he has since sent her a christmas card, and missed one birthday but she looks at them and puts them to one side without it being a big deal, I do try and talk to her to see if it bothering her as I would'nt want her to feel bad inside and not say anything but she really is not bothered, he himself has done that.

I had allowed her the freedom to see him if she wanted, being 100 percent honest with her and like you, didn't want my daughter whom I have worked hard raising and supporting to grow up and be torn between lies that he may tell her, now she is fully aware of what kind of person he is and doesn't trust him, this isn't what I wanted for my daughter, but as my daughter said at the time 'but mum, he could of changed'.

He let her down, however she saw first hand because she wanted too, (I had asked her previously if she wanted to meet her dad and had told her the reasons why I had kept her away from him) but I felt she was now of an age where she could understand and make her own decisions, the only thing that stood out was the fact that I had done my job of raising her well, as she wasn't prepared to be treated like he wanted to treat her as she had never been treated that way and it didn't effect her as he had never been a big part of her life so therefore he wasn't important, Ii could of been that he had turned his life around and treated her well (which he had the chance too) but unfortunately he hadn't.
I explained to my daughter that being a father is about caring, supporting and wanting the best for your child and that is what makes a 'father' not a person who carries the title 'father' and as my daughter has many people who care very much about her and support her in all she does, she knows the difference.

So I would just be honest, open and ask her your daughter if she has ever wanted to see her biological father and perhaps explain that the outcome of seeing her father should it happen may or maynot be a happy one and that you stopped her seeing her father as you felt he wasn't treating her right and you want the best for her, nothing can take away the fact that you and your husband have been the ones raising and supporting your daughter and I know first hand how scary that is to think that someone could come and unsettle that, but trust in yourself and the fact that you have raised your daughter and that she can handle this and so can you, then like me you can get on with your life and can either engage in a relationship with your daughters father for the better or forget about this man who calls himself a 'father' if he has empty promises.

I too, had grandparents on his side arguing that they wanted to see their grandaughter, but having given them a chance (and not the first time) they didn't act appropriately - once I said they could see her for an hour, in this time I was away I asked that she didn't play in the cul-de-sac as I didn't allow her to play on the street, they then proceeded to ask my daughter to lie to me and say it was ok because 'nanny' said she could (baring in mind, this was a woman who hadn't seen her grandaugter in years and assured me that she wouldn't allow my daughter to play on the street) my daughter rang me on her mobile and told me, I collected her and since then they haven't seen her again, I gave them the chance and they didn't repsect my wishes.

Each case is different and I listened to many people telling me, you have no right in stopping her see her father/grandparents,she will want to see them and you will be blamed for stopping her, in the end I went against my mothers views and chose to do what I did, but it turned out for the best as we both of learnt from it and now my daughter and I can get on with our lives - but only you can decide what is best for you and your family.

Good Luck in whatever you decide. ;0)

I agree that the only one being hurt by the unforgiveness is you...As someone who has held on to hurts for way to long I know that pretty well.
i also know how hard it is to let all that pain go... I've never been in your particular situation, but I have had people I loved and trusted hurt me pretty badly...
as far as letting the grandparents see her...how do you get along with them? or how did you... were they nice, did they sympathize with you more than their son? explain to them why you have been so reluctant to let them see her...what does your husband say about the situation?

One thing I have realized since I became a mother, is that your primary job is to protect that child. I guess it depends on what you went through with this man, meaning if he laid a hand on you, was verbally abusive...If you felt you were doing the right thing by keeping her from her father, then you did. I have a similar situation with my in-laws and they really are only allowed visits about once a month, if even that. They are not good people and i am not going to put my daughter through what my husband went through. But, has your daughter asked about him? I am suprised she hasn't asked to see him. Just wait until she is a teen and tries to use that against you. (I came from a divorced family and always used that I was going to go stay with my dad to get back at my mom, even though my dad was never really there.) Do you find it in your gut to forgive him? If you do, then forgive him. Do you think he would ever hurt your child? mentally or physically? Trust your instinct!!!! You are a good mother, and you will make the right choice. Life is TOO short!!!!! It doesn't sound like he has made an effort, so you might not have to worry about him coming after her legally. You might have to make a decision one way. You don't want him to feel like he can just come and go whenever, he has to understand to make a commitment with his child.
As far as the grandparents go, you maybe could of met them for lunch or brought your daughter over there for a visit,, only if you like them and get along with them, and trust them with your daughter. If you do, you should make an effort for them, it's not their fault about you and their son. You never know, they might agree with you! Besides, a child can never have too many grandparents. I had about 5 sets, and loved Christmas!
Good luck to you!
God Bless!
B.

Ok so yes you need to forgive him because the only person you are hurting by not forgiving him is YOU so let it go she needs to know her father and let her make the decision if she wants him in her life she will soon enough know what kind of Dad he is and yes let her meet her grandparents I know you want to protect her but you will not be able to protect her forever and what if one day she finds out you never let her meet her other family she may be upset with you when all you were doing was protecting her..
tonight pray about it ask God to help you and he will look at what he has done for you so far you are talking about forgiving someone who you probably never thought you would God is working in your life girl!!!!!
GOOD LUCK

The only thing I can say about the father is that he is her father, whether he has acted like it or not, and she may one day want to know him or about him, so I dont think you should cut all ties.
That said, I think that your keeping his parents out of her life is completely wrong, especially if they have wanted to see her. You say you dont want to because he may be there, which I get, but you could go with her, or have them to your house or meet somewhere else where you can control the environment until, if or when, you feel comfortable leaving her alone with them. Just remember that the more people in your daughters life who love her the better of she will be!

Dear F.:
I don't know about your custody situation, but a father has certain rights. 'Rights' means he CAN exercise them but does not have to. You may not be in a position to disallow him seeing his child. Then again, if he does not make an attempt, it does not matter much. However, consider that your common child also has a right to see her dad. I think in some states, the same applies to grandparents, so I would be careful and check your obligations first.

Having said that, it is not good for a parent to be in and out of a child's life. You may prepare your daughter, if he tries to see her, to limit the expectations and the damage of a broken promise. If you actively block a connection, she will eventually hold it against you.

Finally, the forgiveness part is between you and God. I chose not to forgive what happened in my life, because forgiveness implies condoning the events or at least playing their significance down. Look up Hitler and 'policy of appeasement', and you'll soon find out that turning the other cheek just gets you slapped on both sides. You can forgive him on your or his death bed, if you feel like it. For now focus on your child's well-being.

I decided to tell my son whatever he wants to know when he is 18 AND he asks about what happened. Also, even if I was thinking about forgiveness, at least one year should have elapsed without new incidents. Ask yourself whether he has shown a genuine change in behavior and start the clock if so.

That's just my opinion.

Regards,
W.

You know...I am a daughter of an absentee father. My dad was in and out of my life up to age five and then was gone for 12 years after that. He is in my life now but we are not close. I love him because his is my father, but someone else holds the title of daddy for me in my heart and it's not my biological father.
The only advice I can give you is from what I learned from my mom. She did not bad mouth him in front of me. She knew I would form my own opinion of my father. She quit catering to him. If my dad wanted to see me...he had to get off his butt and do it. She never held anything back from me. If I asked about him...she told me the truth. If I didn't ask then she wouldn't volunteer information (probably to protect me from empty promises). My dad eventually did grow up. Yes, during my childhood it did hurt not having him around. I'm not a broken person because of the experience.
You should give the grandparents the opportunity to know their grandchild...but they have to meet you half way. If they make empty promises too then all you can do is tell your daughter that you tried....

Hello F.,

You have every right to want to protect your child from a life of roller coaster let downs from her dad.
When it comes to forgiving him, that is a COMMAND from the Lord. Sometimes I have to tell myself "Less of me, More of thee Lord" You see, it ain't about us. It's all about doing and being what God wants us to be. That He be glorified. Try to look at it from this perspective.....with all of the shortcomings, mistakes, sins or whatever you want to call it that you have encounter, what if the Lord forgave you at the same measure that you have forgiven him.... it ain't easy but with the Lord's help you can do it. Growth in God has no cut-off point, we never GRADUATE. Like me...i'm still striving. We can't do spiritual work in the power of the flesh. To succeed operate in the power of prayer. With all that her dad has done, it's important to remember that he to needs prayer. It is so easy for us to just brush off those who we don't agree with or that live our same lifestyle, but if they are "lost" we have to cry out for them as well. I struggle w/this. As for his parents, if they are caring folks who truly want to bond with thier grandchild and have her utmost concern at heart, I say let them see her. It wouldn't be fair to reject them because their son has issues. Your daughter could be missing out on a loving relationship with them. Keeping all this in mind, I would share my feelings with them.

Be Blessed
I prayer that your relationship w/the Lord grows. He has sure made a differnce in my life. I haven't always had this mentality :)

I think what would be best for ALL of you is to see about your husband adopting your daughter. If he is the one who is there right now, and the biological father doesn't have much to do with her, than I really think it best for you all to go to an attorney and see about that. Any guy can be a father, but it takes a man to be a dad, and it sounds to me like your husband is the man. I am not religious, but I do think you need to forgive your daughter's father- after all, if not for him, she wouldn't be there. Good Luck!!!

I don't have much time this morning before having to go to work, but I just had to repond. Forgive. Please forgive him. God knows what He is doing when He asks us to forgive. It is the only way to move on from a painful situation and allowing God the space to work within you. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness, resentment, anger, and so on. If these things stay inside of you, they will come out eventually - and it could even come out and affect your relationship with other people including your children. Though it is hard, you will find it to be so freeing to forgive. If you just keep reminding yourself of all the terrible things humanity has done and how God could forgive all of us, then you can forgive others. Forgiving him doesn't mean you have to be his best friend. It just means you reached a point to where you make a conscious decision to reject any further pain and free yourself.

Hi F.,

This is a tough situation. And I don't have a brilliant solution to it, unfortunately. But I experienced what your daughter is going through. I grew up only knowing my stepfather. He was with my mother since I was 2 years old. I never met my biological father, but I never missed him either. I've always viewed my stepfather as my "real" dad. My mom never talked about my biological father, so that may have been part of the reason I never thought of him. Soemtimes now I am curious about him (I'm now 23), but I don't feel like I missed out because I had a wonderful dad growing up. He is my real dad in my heart & that's all that matters to me.

I don't know if my father ever tried to see me. If he did, my mother didn't tell me. And if she kept him from me, I don't mind it because she knew that was the best thing to do for me. I call my stepdad's parents Grandma & Grandpa, and they feel like true family to me. I am perfectly content.

Hopefully this helps. The most important factor in this situation is your daughter. Just try to put yourself in her shoes- how will this decision affect her now and years down the road?

S.