Hi everyone, I know you all will lend me the perspective that I need to get through this. For the backstory, DD is 13. She had been friends with Izzy and Sara for years. Well, DD and Sara stopped getting along about two years ago and were no longer friends, and then not long after Izzy moved away. A few months ago, Sara and DD started taking baby steps at trying to be friends (or at least friendly) again. It's been slow but okay. DD is pretty apprehensive because Sara pulled some mean girl stuff when they were friends before and tried to turn lots of other girls against DD and said some very mean things to her. Also- now, Izzy moved back to the area. DD was thrilled about this.
So it's been tentative and sort of weird. All 3 girls have been together a couple of times and it was fine. Izzy and DD have spent some time together over the summer and DD was so happy. So I'm starting to worry a bit because I've seen and heard that Izzy and Sara are spending a lot of time together without inviting DD. Even worse, those two go to school together while DD goes to another school.
Yesterday, the doorbell rang but no one was there. We found a weird note that said 'you must be hungry' and a pile of crackers sitting next to it on the porch. A little after that, hubby saw Izzy and Sara hiding behind another house scouting our porch out- it was them who had put stuff there. Luckily, DD was not home at the time, we threw it all away and did not tell DD. She is realizing that they keep getting together and leaving her out which is enough to handle right now.
I completely realize that I need to let DD handle this and not make it a huge thing. And the funny thing is that DD is a happy kid who tends to do just fine getting through things on her own (imagine that!!). :-) I know we'll have to see how this (8th grade) year plays out, and we'll see how the girls get along. But I worry mostly for next year- high school. DD will join the other two at the same high school. So all 3 girls will be there together. It seems that triangular friendships are always tricky, someone always gets left out, and based on what it going on here it appears that it might be DD.
So, my plan is definitely to not get wrapped up in this issue. And I'm trying to keep DD connected to other friends who will be at the same school as well. My question for those of you with kids in high school or older, how much did friendships change once high school started? In my stressed out mind, everyone already has all the friends they need and don't want anyone new. I know this is silly, but really- did your kdis make a whole new 'batch' of friends? Especially if they struggled with their group of friends entering high school?
Again, I totally know that I need to let DD handle this, and she is not distraught by this. She would tell me if she saw the girls together and ask why I thought they didn't invite her. And once she saw a picture on FB of the two at school wearing matching outfits and she just said "depression". But she is not sulking and miserable, which I know tells me that she knows how to bounce back and handle this herself. I just want to support her in whatever way might be helpful. And for the record, I don't talk to her about all of these concerns, I keep them swirling around in my crazy head. Mostly I want to know that even if this whole situation just goes down the toilet, that she has a chance at brand new, nice friendships in high school.
Getting involved in an activity other than what the two girls are doing, will make all the difference. It's it sad that all they have to do with their lives is try to make some one else miserable?
I'd let it go and encourage your DD to get involved in groups and clubs. She may find a likeminded best pal in the music department. HS blends a lot of kids from different areas and even if she is still friends with these girls (whether or not they spend time together is irrelevant as long as they are not bullying your DD) she may find more people like her. My SD made a best friend in stage crew, which took the sting out of losing friends from MS over a spat about a boy. I'd focus on positives with her and if she needs a hug now and then, give her one. It sounds like your DD may have the better perspective than the ding dong ditch girls.
okay....time for you to let go & let your daughter fly. :)
This time you are spending angsting over her relationships & those of your peers (referring back to your question about schools/Moms/etc).... man, time for you to stop worrying everything to death! Relax, please.
Yes, in H.S. your daughter will make new friends....both good & bad. She will create a new circle through her activities, classmates, &
chance/fate/karma/Grace of God. :) She will embrace new & exciting events/friendships.....& mourn the bad moments. All a part of life.
If your daughter from your own admission bounces back and has a high threshold for moving on then why are you focused on her maintaining a friendship with girls she may no longer have things in common with and who are mean to her?
It seems to be time for your DD to cultivate and create new friendships with a different group of girls. Get her involved in different activities, social circles, and the like and empower her by encouraging her ability to pick her friends wisely. Just because someone was a friend yesterday doesn't mean they will be a friend today or tomorrow. We don't get to choose our family but we do get to choose our friends she can make wise choices and eliminate some fo the drama but not being so close to these seemingly incredibly immature and not friend worthy girls.
Encourage that instead of operating as a fearful mom of an almost high school student. Wishing you and her success through a lifetime.
I would have taken a photo of that stuff on my doorstep.
THEN pointed the phone camera at the bushes and took a photo.
And I would have called out the girls, RIGHT then and there.
Next: sure kids need to muddle through things and figure things out and be all independent and learn about life and friends and etc.
But at some point, a parent is a parent.
And, some kids do NOT know how, to figure things out.
So as a parent you need to observe your child and guide them when need be... and be there for your child to chat with you, about life/problems/issues, etc.
I mean, when/if I had a problem when I was that age, my parents KNEW. My Dad especially because he was so in tune with his kids.
He was not a helicopter, but he also was there for me whenever I had a problem He didn't just tell me "figure it out yourself." Or, "I am hands-off on this..." or "Teenagers need to be left alone with their problems." No, he guided me. And he was also a sounding board for any problems I may have had. And even if I did not come right out and say it, if he knew I had a problem, he'd tell me "Anytime you need to talk or need help, let me know..." or, he'd initiate it, sit me down, and tell me his thoughts about it.
And I was GLAD.
Why?
Because, kids do not always know how to ask their parents for advice.
So if you just leave your kid alone with a problem and think you should not "interfere"... then you also may be missing out on really knowing your kids' cues, for them needing parental help or advice or guidance.
Friendships change throughout the years.
Keep your daughter involved in activities that have her with different groups of friends... church, school, sports, etc.
As for the package at your door, I would not have swept that under the rug. Even if you chose not to let DD know about it, you should have approached the girls and let them know that trespassing and delivering unknown package to someone's door is breaking the law and you will not tolerate it.
We have cameras on our property which have proven who the culprit was when our yard was being vandalized. Things weren't very nice for that group of kids for a while.
First of all - she definitely has a chance at new friendships in high school. Actually, I personally am only really friends with one person I knew before college. Adult life brings so many growth opportunities and new friendships.
But the bigger issue here is - no one should be leaving stuff on your porch. That's crazy. And borderline illegal. If that happens again, you should not just sweep it under the carpet.
I have boys, but yes, the friendships do change in high school. Some for the good, some for the bad!! You will always have to keep any eye on the friend circles no matter what.
Friends will come and go in our lifetime. If your DD is having a hard time, you will just have to explain that to her. Just think, DD will make new friends in HS because it won't just be Izzy & Sara going to that high school but probably other kids going to surrounding middle schools now! She will be ok! This won't be the last issue she has with friends. Let her handle it mom, but also be there to encourage new friendships just like you have and let her fend for herself and chose her friends! Good luck!
My DD had some interesting friendships from middle school that DID NOT survive through high school. My rules regarding balancing sports, extracurricular activities & homework, took care of that. My DD realized early on that it was a balancing act, yours will too. Keep doing what your doing, be supportive, and when you run into another issue like this talk to your DD about what they are doing. Don’t hide it, you’ll never teach her perseverance by hiding.
I'd be on the phone to the parents and let them know what the girls did. Leaving crackers on the porch was some sort of weird thing to do. They need to be reigned in by their parents. Then let daughter handle the rest on her own. She needs to build strong deep friendships so she can get through the years to come.
