Question for Moms with Older Teens

I do not know if the straight to the shower proves anything, but I do think you should ask her, if she thinks she should get birth control pills.

My mom asked me this when I was 16 if I wanted birth control pills. I honestly did not need them, but I liked that she asked and said "if and when I was ready for them to either go on my own and get them, or she would be happy to take me."

You should also give her a box of condoms. A girl can never be too careful.

FYI, I think you are great mom, being able to be proactive about this.

taking her to the doctor for what? to have her hymen examined?
eeeeep!
it's hard to foster an open trusting relationship with your daughter when you a) assume she's lying (by saying she 'denies it' you are not even open to the possibility that she's telling the truth) and b) invading her privacy by relying on a doctor to give you the information you want her to share with you willingly.
as for birth control, your husband is dead wrong. understanding that teens are impulsive and sometimes make wrong decisions is part of parenting. you should always be prepared to deal with the fact that bad decisions are a necessary part of the learning curve, not put one's head in the sand and hope. if your daughter is in love and you think she might be having sex, whether or not you approve is irrelevant. protecting her is the first priority, and that means birth control pills but first and foremost it means condoms. BCPs will not protect against disease.
i don't know how to force your husband to see your point of view. it seems as if creating an atmosphere of open discussion and listening is a challenge all round in your household, and that's the only way i know to resolve things acceptably.
khairete
S.

If you think she is having sex, she probably is. I have a 19 year old that I went through this with. Getting her on the pill is not telling her that it's okay to have sex it's to protect her from getting pregnant. Strongly urge condoms as well. If they want to do it, they will find a way. There is no way we as parents can stop them. Teenagers are resourceful. I would sit her down and have a heart to heart conversation with her about the seriousness of it all. If you have to go over all the consequences in detail with her, do so. Be very blunt about it. Get her into the doctors asap. Meet with the dr first to explain your concerns and then have the dr meet with her. Without you in the room. She is more apt to talk to the dr w/o you in there. Have the dr explain to her in great detail of all the std's she can get and the pregnancy aspect of it. If I remember correctly, the doctor may not be able to specifically tell you about their visit due to confidentiallity (I remember being extremely aggravated over this b/c it is us ultimately responsible but yet we were being kept in the dark). So don't be surprised if that is the case. I would explain to your husband, by not protecting her, we are failing her. She is going to do it whether you want her to or not. Would he rather keep sticking his head in the sand and have her turn up pregnant or worse with an std? We don't have to like it but unfortunately it is what it is. Our children are going to make decisions that we don't agree with. It's heartbreaking I know. But keep an open dialogue with her. Get her protected. Good luck and hang in there mom!

Oh well I had a great answer with insight but somehow it went away!
1) Is doesn't have to be moms of older teens - it can be moms of any teenager middle or high school level.
2) I work with teen parents in a Teen Parent Support/Mentor group. We have had teen moms at the middle school.
3) the answer: Approach your daughter in an non confrontational manner and share with her that you are her mom and you have concerns, tell her what you are seeing and feeling and trust your gut feeling that something is going on possibly. Assure her that you love her and are concerned for her future, you realize that she is becoming a young woman and she may be making decisions that could create hardships in life that are not necessary. Tell her if she is or isn't having sex you want her to be prepared for when she does make that decision. Share your values and beliefs in a non threatening way, but share also that you realize she is growing up and has to make some decisions on her on. Let her know you are there for her but want only her best. Call your local health department and see what they offer, we have a teen matters clinic here in Madison County and there are location in Clarke County also where teens can go with or without parents permission and receive birth control methods. They will share with her about the dangers of STD's and other related info, but even better they will give you the parent these materials to share if you prefer.
Bottom line, you should prefer it to be her decision not yours or your husbands, she will be more likely and responsible if she chooses birth control to take it correctly if it is her idea. Now if you have caught her in the actual act, and you know that she is having sex, I would make an appointment for her with either a gynecologist or health department and take her and let them talk to her in what she hopefully will feel as a non threatening consultation and give her the opportunity to be put on birthcontrol.
4) In Madison County we have a program called "Parent Talk" where we encourage parents to talk to their children at all ages concerning their anatomy and sexuality. The curriculum is called Bird and Bees, Not Fish and Flies. It recommends giving the facts along with your own families values and beliefs all along in your children's lives where they will be comfortable talking with you or another adult in their life about these concerns. Your biggest concern as a parent is the welfare of your child, and you are the best resource they have - share and care.
5) I was a teen parent, my mom had the best intentions but when she found out that I was having sex she came across as very judgemental, I rebelled and wouldn't share with her that we continued to have sex when I said we wouldn't. I was pregnant 4 months later. If the conversation isn't a rational one, then you may want to take charge and insist in going for the appointment for someone else to talk with her about the choices out there.
My oldest daughter was put on birthcontrol at age 15, my youngest daughter now 18 is still not on birth control. I have a better repoire with her and she talks and shares somewhat with me, my eldest was the monkey who closed her eyes, and ears and even though on birth control (did not take it as prescribed) was pregnant at 18. My youngest may or may not be having sex, she says no and that she wouldn't tell me if she was, but I have shared with her over and over not to make the same mistakes that if she is going to have sex please seek birth control methods at the clinic, have her sister take her or whatever is necessary. Ultimately it is her choice, and she is 18 and will be 19 later this summer. I also say prayers for the Lord's guidance and strength in her life ever chance I get.
Good Luck and Best Wishes to you as the mother and to your daughter and her life decisions.

You don't say how old your daughter is.
I'm not sure what you mean by "older" teen, but I work at a hospital and we had a 12 year old give birth not long ago.
Birth control is not permission to have sex. Birth control means you have a chance of NOT being a child having a child.
As a parent, you can't assume anything. You can't assume a shower means sex. You can't assume that she's NOT having sex.
You need to give your daughter the tools to make responsible decisions. And she won't just automatically do that on her own.
At this point, it doesn't matter what you and your husband agree on. I hate to say that, but knowledge is power and girls need to know how to protect their own bodies.
I have a 15 year old son and if you think for one minute we haven't been open about all of this and I will do anything to prevent him from being a father, think again.
It's going to sound corny, but there was a Lifetime movie on last weekend. I forget what it's called but I had watched it with my son before. It was about a boy who had sex ONE time and didn't even like it because it felt awkward and he wasn't ready. Guess what? Pregnant! The girl's family completely shut him out and tried to force him to sign adoption papers.
My point is that kids aren't ready to handle that responsibility.
You should never be afraid to talk about prevention.
That's just my opinion.
I'm not saying to go behind your husband's back, but you need to help your daughter have power and control over her own body, especially if she makes one decision she's not ready for.
There are a zillion decisions she won't be ready to handle if she has a baby.

Best wishes.

My daughter was originally on birth control to regulate her irregular periods. Fortunately, when she did have sex, she voluntarily told me the day after. We have a very open relationship. Sit down with her first. See what's going on. I would explain to your husband that it is much easier to pop a pill, then it is to raise a baby. There are too many young adults that withhold info from parents. They are afraid of our over reaction. If she is active, you can't rewind time, but you can help prevent a life changing situation

Get her the pill and condoms!!!!! Tell your husband he is living in a dream world. Educating your child and protecting her is your job as a parent. Never mind if she becomes pregnant, what if she gets a disease!!!!! Teaching your child to be responsible and have respect for her body will help her to make good choices, just because you give her the tools to keep her safe isn't promoting sex!!!!! My daughter and I have always been open.I taught her to have respect for herself, and not to give into pressure. Constant communication from me and her dad about self respect (and her older brother) really helped. My daughter has had the same boyfriend for 5 years. My husband and I took her for her first gyno appt. (he waited in the car) and the doctor put her on the pill for really bad periods. On the way home my husband said, "Now this doesn't mean you should have sex!!!" She said "I know Dad!!" I have never asked her, but I knew she was, and I know she is safe. Most dad's are not going to be okay with knowing their little girls are having sex, but it is going to happen at some point. As her mom you need to insist that your daughter get the information she needs, and also the tools to protect herself. Your hubby will just have to live with it. TALK TALK TALK to your daughter, and try not to accuse, or judge. This is the time when parenting becomes tough, and you want to keep your relationship with your daughter positive. I have an awesome relationship with my daughter, however I don't ask her the details of her intimate life, I DON'T want to know, I have just always talked to her openly. You can still be her mom, without coming off as a friend. It is a fine line and difficult to do but you can do it. I always wanted my daughter to have the right information as uncomfortable as it can be to have the conversations. It is better then her hearing it from her peers. My daughter is going to be 22 and I feel very close to her. Our relationship is different now because I am past all of the hard work. Good luck to you!!

I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but the way you phrased your question kind of makes it sound like you intend to take her to the doctor to find out if she's a virgin. Yikes! I think you ought to encourage her to go to the doctor, but give her privacy. Remembering back to when I was a teen, I wouldn't even have wanted my mom in the waiting room while I went for a gynecological exam. I understand your concern, and I would be heartbroken to find out my child was having sex at a young age in opposition to the values I had taught her (hypothetically- I only have a son and he's a baby) but beyond being a good example and providing access to medical care, I don't think there's much you can do. You can't really stop her, but you can violate her dignity and alienate her by forcing the issue when she isn't ready to discuss it with you.

I think your daughter is having sex. I would def take her to the doctor and get her on BC. I would also sit her down and explain how just bec she will be on the pill it doesn't protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Maybe you should bring your husband to the doctor as well so he can feel comfortable with it?? I have a 19 yr old and she has been on the pill since 15. She didn't start to have sex till she was 17 though. We put her on it to regulate her period. Shes now away in NY going to college and I am scared to death she will end up pregnant so I've been paying for the script LOL

I don't have teens, but I do remember being one!
When my mother (correctly) assumed I was having sex, she did offer to take me for bc pills, but I wasn't comfortable messing with hormonal contraception at the time. I did genuinely appreciate her intentions though, and it helped with some respect issues we were having.

I'm sorry you and your husband are disagreeing. I understand where he's coming from, even if he is wrong ;-). My only suggestion would be to ask if he waited to have sex until someone gave him "permission" by offering him birth control. Perhaps that will help put it into focus for him.

Umm, Im going to get flagged but its okay.
I'm 16 and I have a boyfriend. It's just a natural habit to go straight to the shower when I get back from his house, or hanging out with him in general. We wrestle (Innocent), and run around the woods behind his house, falling in the creek and stuff like that. My grandma thought the same thing for a while, cause I smelled bad (Bad BO problems).
And if you question it, why not ask his mom's opinion? My grandma and my boyfriends mom arnt on the best terms, because my grandma is over judgemental of him, but my best friends parents have spoken with her boyfriends parents about numerous things.
The doctors also, can only say so much. My hymen was broken through a skateboarding accedent (flipped up between my legs and hurt quite a few things).
Maybe you could also just explain to your daughter that you just want to keep her safe? calmly and not in a manner that makes her feel attacked/cornered?
I'm sorry if any of this was stupid, just trying to help!

*Edit* I have no idea how to help with the birth control thing, I've been on it since I was 14 for period issues. It does bring some bad looks from older people, my grandma's boyfriend thought I was being premiscuous

Where are the boyfriends parents? Not that teens don't always find ways, but does he live alone? You need to TALK to her. In a non-lecturing, open way. If she is having sex already giving her birth control is condoning it, it's being responsible. Would your husband like to be a grandpa? Maybe I could have my friend call him who just became a grandmother at 34 yrs old.......

Whether or not you get her on birth control, she also needs to have condoms so she is protected from a lot more than than pregnancy.

You don't say how old she is and I think that may make a difference in my personal position. I do see your husband's point but I also see yours.

I wouldn't take her to the doctor to find out. Techinically, they don't have to tell YOU anything. I would take her to the doctor for a check up and she can have a conversation with the doctor regarding protecting herself (which often will have more weight then your conversation because the doctor is not emotionally vested and she won't see that as "mom and dad telling me what to do").

You need to TALK to her, inform her, prepare her. Ask to take her to the doctor, but be careful accusing her outwardly of something you only suspect. It will push her away, whether she's guilty or not, if she thinks you wont believe her. I dont think you can force her to get examined, or get any information from the doctor without her consent. She doesnt need permission to have sex, so getting her on birth control isnt exactly allowing something you dont approve of. (Im assuming she isnt 14, you said older teen?) I would try to discuss what a sexual relationship means between people who love each other, etc, but dont ask or pry, it tends to push them away & make them defensive. Both my older girls are on the depo shot, unfortunately there was a time my middle daughter didnt take it, and well, she had a baby 3 months ago. I encouraged condoms for reasons of protection of disease.. but, obviouly that didnt happen. She may not be doing anything. Teenagers are smelly and like to shower.

If you don't get her birth control pills definitely get some condoms. If she is having sex, you don't know who else the boy has had sex with before and what he might have (std). A condom will protect more fully against those than a pill. Also if you do the pill I would go for the shot. I wouldn't want to trust my teenager to take a pill everyday. And I would tell my husband that your not saying its ok. But if she is going to do it, she's going to do it with or without the protection. Would he rather have a healthy daughter or and unhealthy one with a lifetime STD and a baby that you two are having to support until she can get a job, etc.

If she is an older teen (16 or so), even if she isn't having sexual intercourse yet, it is high time for her to see a medical person with whom she feels comfortable enough to discuss sexually-transmitted diseases and birth control options. In my opinion, especially at her age, condoms should be high on the list--as someone else said, the Pill isn't going to protect her from getting herpes, gonorhea, or any of the other illnesses which are epidemic now. Discussing the options doesn't mean she needs to or SHOULD use them at this point, it just provides her with accurate information in a non-judgmental way. A note about 'putting her on birth control'--you probably know better than any of us whether your daughter can be 'made' to do anything she doesn't want to do. You needs to have a conversation in which she decides that she wants to have more information so she can be safe. Good luck!

By "older teen" how old do you mean? If you mean 16 or 17, I would have a discussion with her. While you can forbid her to go to his house if you are sure they are having sex there, they'll find someplace else to do it. I'd let her know that if she is sexually active, you want to be sure that she is properly protected. Maybe she has something for BC already. Maybe they use condoms. Even if she used other birth control, condoms are still necessary! Also, I would never put her on the Pill because teens are notoriously bad about taking it every single day without skipping, and sometimes taking the pill isn't any different than never taking it.
If by older teen, you mean 18-19, nothing for you to do other than let her know that you hope she is protecting herself if they are being intimate. At that age, she is legally an adult and you can't "put" her on birth control or have contact with her doctors. If she is a minor, a doctor will not force her to undergo an exam to tell you if she is sexually active! Not to mention, things other than sex can break the hymen.
Husband is wrong. If she's having sex without protection, she won't stop having sex so she'd be doing it either way and better for your daughter to think that you are okay with her having sex than for you to end up with a grandchild next year. I wouldn't discuss with hubby, I would simply do what needs to be done. IF you strongly suspect she is having sex and haven't done anything to make sure she is using protection, that's like sticking your head in the hand and it's neglectful.

My DD is 14 - and while I don't think she's there yet - it is scary and I know she has a friend who has had sex and acquaintances who have as well. I am certain she hasn't yet becuase she's still very open asking questions and telling me about things she hears about people.

First of all - if your DD is 16 or older HIPAA laws prevent you from finding out ANYTHING about her health status without her permission. Personally I think it's outrageious that as parents we are financialy and legally responsible for them through 18 but have lost the right to have information about any medical status once they attain 16. But that discussion is for another website! So if she's over 16 no doctor will tell you anything - she could have a STD, pregnant, or dealing with a serious emotional problem and you have no rights to know that. All that being said ,really - do you expect to take her to a GYN for a hymen check? Really? Think that one over first.

BAck to stuff my DD tells me - it's frightening. Girls are so convinced that they have no value that they want to please their boyfriends so they'll do anything. These girls have classified anything other than intercourse as not being sex. So oral and anal are, in their minds, not sex. So they convince themselves that they're not having sex, but they instead pleasure thier boyfriends in this way so they can still consider themselves virgins, or tell themselves they're "not sluts" since they're not "really" having sex. While the girls obviously want intimacy and get their juices flowing, the boys jsut can't instantly stop things the way girls can. The boys are still pressuring the girls for some completion - and the girls are doing whatever they think they have to do. So, your DD may be doing other things that she doesn't classify as sex. It's heartbreaking - it really is. The thought of my DD in someone's basement trying to make her boyfriend happy just breaks my heart wide open.

What I know is the best way to give our girls some value and self worth which will help them hold off on this boy-pressure is to have a dad who adores them and cherishes them. All the girls I know who have a good head on their shoulders and can keep boy-girl relationships in perspective are those whose dad's spend time with their girls, hug them, tell them they look beautiful, look into their eyes and acknowledge their accomplishments, go to their sporting events, their art shows, etc. They pick them up from activities, have the boyfriends over for dinner, etc.

Also - do you ahve an ongoing conversation with this boy's parents? My DD doesn't go to anyone's house unless I know that parents will be there and that parents have similar values as we do. My DD had a friend who was a boy (she referred to him as her BF - but since she's not allowed to date yet he wasn't really) and if she was invited to their house for dinner I talked to the mom first. I made sure she undrestood that they are not allowed in bedrooms, etc. the mom explained that she was jsut as conservative as we are and that the LR was the only place they were allowed.

I did find out though that my DD's best friend's parents on the other hand, while conservative are too gullible for me and allow thier kids to go downstairs to the finished basement to hang out with their opposite gender friends - alone - for hours at a time. What is the difference between that and a closed door bedroom?

As for the birht control - I don't know what to tell you. I will face this quandry shortly myself and I don't have a good answer for you. Yes it does seem that you condone sexual intimacy if you take your child for BC - on the other hand, it's so much better to avoid a pregnancy than to have your child raise a child - or far worse, sneak an abortion and live with those consequences for the rest of her life.

Pray about it, take your DD on a long drive where you can talk but not have to look at eachother - ask her about what "friends" are doing and see what her opinions are - that will give you feel for what might really be happening and how her thought process works. Yikes, I'm nearly 52 and the teen years in the 70's were so different - yes, while it was the beginning of the sexual revolution it was still much more innocent a time... I'm so not ready for this time of my DD's life.

I remember being a teen and I have to say I agree with your husband. If you put her on birth control then she has a free ticket whether she is having sex now or not. There has to be consequences to actions. If I had gotten pregnant as a teen I would have had to deal with the consequences. And I do not agree with abortion. I would probably have given the baby up for adoption. If my mom had put me on birth control I would have thought it was not important for me to save myself for my husband. It sounds like you do not want her to have sex at this age and that is good. Explain to her why it is best to wait. And then unfortunately you're going to have to trust her. She is growing up, learning to make her own decisions, and dealing with the effects of those decisions. That is what being an adult is all about. My children are younger now and no, I have not had to deal with this yet but my plan is to always communicate with them and do exactly as I have already shared. I pray all the best for you and your daughter.