My son is a freshman at college this year. We have had a pretty good relationship, but my husband & I enforced curfews, house rules etc until he left for college and turned 18. He is an Honors student and doing well in school however, TODAY he informed me that he dropped his Honors Hilstory class which disqualifies him for the Honors Program :(
I am feeling more than a little depressed, however, because he is a little over an hour away and comes back into town on Thursday nites til Sunday every weekend but we only see him for an hour or two (if that). He comes home because it is a smaller university with lots of tech students whom he thinks are boring (even though he is one of them!) He goes and stays at one of 3 or 4 of his local male friend's houses (sleeps there too) so he can do whatever he wants to (I guess). I know part of it is because he took EVERYTHING (tv/video games/stereo etc) with him when he left for school so his room is empty with "nothing to do". He is obviously REALLY enjoying his freedom, but it hurts my heart because it doesn't feel like he is part of our family anymore. Part of it is that he wants to "party" and he knows we won't approve of that (drinking or smoking pot).
I consider us to be very good parents...definitely not lenient or permissive but not crazy strict either. We have given him plenty of "things", but have taught him the value of working to earn what you want. He has always paid his own car insurance, we matched what he saved for a car and he bought it himself, he has mostly scholarships for college and a small loan in his name. We help him with necessities like toiletries etc. He is using his savings for spending money.
We are going to the mountains for Thanksgiving and he says he doesn't want to come :( He's "done his time on family vacations" and has no interest in going with us anymore. That makes me so sad. We have always had great fun on our family trips (even he admitted that after each trip).
Is this normal or were we such horrible parents that he doesn't want anything to do with us any more? He does check in with us maybe once a week and I text him or call once a week (I'm trying not to hover!). Has anyone experienced this and does it get any better? It is so strange to be a family of 4 now. I miss my son!
I think this is normal remembering my own experiences from when I went to college. Now that I have kids of my own I really need my parents again!
He's spreading his wings Mom. You raised him to do that. Let him be free with no guilt from Mommy and he will be back home visiting when he's ready. I know it hurts at first, but be proud that he has launched. He will soon see that the holidays are meant for going home.... but not until he's ready to do it. You dont want to force him to come and then just sit there being bored, right? Let him go and he will be back, probably with a girl and a grandbaby before you know it... lol... j/k.
Congratulations on raising such a successful young man! My successful young man is 4 hours away at school and will only be home for the breaks. He is having a blast, getting huge grades, meeting new people, trying new things.
He is a (sigh) grown-up now (hahaha yeah right) and makes his own decisions. He has made quality decisions so far, I have to trust (terrifying). His GF lives another 4 hours away in the other direction, sigh. I'm sure he will change his plans this year as far as all the holidays go. He will be missed if he chooses not to be home, and I ALWAYS suggest he and his girlfriend stay HERE, but I'm bracing myself for the impact of his lack of presence.
It is VERY strange for us too, two younger siblings, the chemistry in the house has changed. It's not BAD, it's just different (and change is ALWAYS bad, tehehe). I joke about regretting aiming so high with my kids, I've changed my mind he can live at home and work at the gas station the rest of his life. Of course, I enjoy the bragging rights, I enjoy hearing about all his new adventures. I am SO proud of who he is and pleased with myself for making him that way.
I'm sure you must feel the same way.
So make sure your THOROUGHLY enjoying the next two while they're still home!!
Don't worry Mamma, it'll get easier, right? (I mean I HOPE so too!)
My son will be 19 on Sunday and is back at college for his Sophmore year. He comes home on all the breaks but not on weekends unless it is a long weekend or there is something local he wants to do. He doesn't spend a lot of time at home (except during the day when we are at work) either. For the long breaks, he will say "What do we have going on for Thanksgiving? I got this, this and this ". I will tell him what we as a family and whatever else may be happening that he is free to attend or not. I try to schedule the things as a family at a day/time as to not hinder him too much. I think it is about expectations and courtesy. He is an adult but he also knows he has family obligations. Unless he is working or has prior commitments/plans, he knows he is expected to attend the family things. Example: I told him months in advance that we were going away 4th of July weekend and he could bring a friend. He knew he was expected to go. We ended up taking our nephew instead of a friend because our son waited to long to ask a friend and they had plans. When we've had other things I've told him "if you want to go, we have xyz going on" and he knows those are optional. There are times when I will also tell him I want him home at a certain time or expect him home for dinner...I am still mom and we still support him so he knows he's got it good.
It is hard to let go when you know they are still a child even though they are technically an adult. There is a fine line and sometimes it feels like a tight rope.
I suggest you and your husband have a talk and get on the same page. Then have a talk with your son and let him know that you appreciate and respect that he is a young adult but he is not completely independent yet. (This is especially true if he doesn't work, is on your insurance, etc.). You didn't say if you have other children but if so, include something like your brother/sister still needs to have you around some. See if he has definate plans over Thanksgiving or was just blowing you off to do nothing. Especially if the later is the case, I would inform him that Thanksgiving is a family holiday and he is still a member of your immediate family. You have given him all the freedoms on the weekends but for this family getaway you expect him to be there. I would also establish any other upcoming events/family traditions that are important...Christmas, New Years, family birthdays.
Pick your battles though...if you put your foot down for everything, you defeat your purpose. If you only put it down on the stuff that is truly important it will be much easier to get him to comply. I insist that mine is there for the family get-togethers Christmas Eve and at home Christmas morning and dinner. He knows I would prefer he stay home that day but after the family stuff is done, he can go see friends. Also, the friends are welcome to come over as well. One day, he will have a girlfriend or wife and family and you will need to adjust your traditions a bit.
This is totally normal. He is just exploring his independence. My kids are very young so I am talking from my own experience. I used to come home from college on some weekends and go out with my friends. It may take some years, but eventually he will realize again the importance of family and spend more time with you. As much as it hurts, you have to let him explore at this time in his life. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that you were bad parents (in fact, you were probably great parents which is why he has the confidence to do all he is doing).
Lynn gave you an excellent answer.
I had 8 kids that left and 6 of them come home on a regular basis. The other two live over 1500 miles away and they come home rarely. if they live close enough.
Its tough to let them go, but it happens. We taught our kids about the evils of drugs from the time they were able to understand words. None of them use illegal drugs and all of them avoid other drugs if they can. Always have family activities and they come when the spirit moves them. I've told all my kids if they can't come home because of lack of money to let me know. If I have the money I'll pay for them to drive home. And I have.
Always make them feel welcome. One of the things we have done is to have dinner and game night on Sundays so when they come home no one is "bored" unless they want to be. We make our home a welcome place for our grandkids too. That helps.
I hope this helps. If you want to know more, e-mail me.
BTW, we are going on a family cruise in 2012. 4 of my kids are coming. More may decide to come at a later date.
Good luck to you and yours.
Yes, I am in your shoes! I have sent two children to college, both boys. This is what they do. The run hard and fast to figure out what to do with their freedom. Anything to do with home (mama in particular) seems infantile and they are desperately trying to be adult men.
Yes, it's normal. However it is okay to rein it in sometimes. For Thanksgiving I would tell him this is not a choice. This is a family holiday, you love him and you expect him to be with the family.
It will never be the same, but he will come back to you. Our oldest is out of college and he has become more considerate. The younger is a sophomore and like your son. Sometimes I fear he is just done with us, but in my heart I doubt this is true. He hurts my feelings, but he is learning and experimenting. He is that little bird that Mama had to push out of the nest to learn to fly..... that's his job right now. Yes, it will get better, but it is still hard to let go while knowing when to hang on.
I am surprised that he is coming home every week for 3 days and not enjoying the "college experience" of being away. Exactly who is his friend that he is coming to visit every week and what are they doing? (is it a guy friend or a girl friend or is he staying with his guy friend to visit a girl friend) He sounds like a very responsible person and a good student, but he is trying to stretch his wings and fly. Most college age students come home for Thanksgiving and use that time to catch up with there old high school buddies and hang out. If he is away with your family on a trip, he may miss seeing his old friends or a "special friend" . Could you plan a family trip over the Christmas holidays when there is more time for family time/friend time?
I would tell him that I miss him and the family time you've spent with him. And that you are proud of him. Also if you have other children, tell him how much they miss him too and let them tell him also.
I went through the same scenario with my graduate daughter. NEXT Thanksgiving plan on staying at home and have him invite all his family-less friends over. Make lots of homemade food. Make your home welcoming to him and his friends. Can you put a few bean bag chairs and stereo back in his room so he can hang there with his buds?
And why does he come home so often? Isn't there anything to do at college for him on the weekends? Club sports? Hiking/climbing groups? Thesbian activities? What about the college team games? Even a part time job to keep him earning a little extra income and busy on the weekends.
One recommendation, especially if your paying for college tuition, I believe it is entirely normal to set up some expectations about how often to call home, typically more of a boy thing. They are more clueless about what is proper. Say, if he is not coming home over a weekend, then he should call and let you know what he's up to, who he's hanging out with, how classes were that week, etc.
We as mom's of college kids can vouch for this cycle in the relationship. They need to gain and practice their independence. They will come home again. You did good Mom. You really did. It only seems they are ungrateful on the surface. You blessed him a stable, loving place to launch from :)
He is just growing and gaining his independence. However, if it were me, I would have many talks to him about the pot smoking. It just makes them too lazy and lethargic to do anything. My daughter came back home from college without graduating. Her time was up and she never went to her last class. She was in LA and we live in Vegas and she finally told me she smoked pot all the time during her last trimester and lied around doing nothing. A form of entertainment that got out of her control. She never finished her class, but was fortunate enough to get a job in her field anyway. Now she wants to go back to college for a different degree.
I know they don't want to hear it, but say it anyway, again and again.
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Hello,
I miss my son, too. But you know what.. we raised them to be men, and at some point we have to give them the room to grow into all they can be. I know it's really hard, but I really believe that they will reconnect with us after they've grown a bit. My advice it to give him the space he needs, and don't take it as personal or hurtful.
Peace
I just want to chime in with the other moms who have answered. Yes, it is completely normal to want to be independent from the family at this age. I am also wondering why he comes home every weekend. My son's college actually discourages this, especially for freshman--during parent orientation we were told that our kids needed to spend some time away from us to get used to the college experience.
Does his college have a parent organization? Many do now. You could contact them for moral support. Also, I would insist that he spends Thanksgiving with the family. You can make certain special days "mandatory"--this is how my mother puts it--and be flexible most of the year. But do encourage him to get involved with clubs and organizations on campus.
Can he get back into the honors program if he does well? It's also not unusual for a freshman to feel a little overwhelmed.
First, you are not horrible parents! This kid, who always toed the line, is breaking out! He probably needed to be home for a few more years with loose reign, and then decide that working at pizza delivery was not good enough and he needed an education, and he was ready to knucle down. Right now, he is going crazy, with his new found freedom. I would yank him out if the grades are poor at 1/2 point. Have you given him a car? All expenses paid? Get him a job 2 days of the weekend, too much time on his hands. Pull his expense account down to survival. Want to go to school? Then go and prove yourself. He is just too young and immature to have taken on this responsibility. Maybe he will be ready in 2 yrs. In the meantime,he can go to community college, work, drink beer, stay out all night, and grow up. It costs too much for him to fritter it away, flunk out, and disrespect you. He can also go to the mountains, it is Thanksgiving, a family time and you are not expecting that much of his time!
You are welcome to email me, I have grown 3 kids who all have kids of their own now. 1 out of the 3, did what was expected, but he also got to his phd by starting the first 2 yrs at community college. I am proud of all 3, they are terrific people, but during their early 20", I had lots of grief, just like you. You gave him wings, let him fly, and be there to pick him up, when he splats down. Good luck and God Bless.
